Nervous- but not nervous

As the wife of a diabetic, I thought I would sit here today and write my thoughts about tomorrow. I tell myself over and over that it is wasted energy to worry. Yet I think you need to have some kind of plan in the event something goes wrong.

What if he has a heart attack during the procedure? Check. Have my list of people to call first.

What if he has a stroke? Check Have the medical/financial power of attny and the DNR ready to take with me.

What if his kidneys fail? Well, that's on the insurance will have to take care of, but we have space for a home dialysis system here.

What if he needs surgery in a week or so? Check. Calendar is clear the rest of the month.

What if everything goes ok and they find absolutely nothing wrong with his heart? Check. Praise Jehovah!

I think I understand all of the risks involved since he is so far progressed with his diabetes. I don't see an option, I think it's a test he has to undergo. I think my greatest worry and his biggest risk is that of kidney failure. I realize that it can come back. It can be permanent.

He does not seem to have any of these thoughts at all. It's almost as though he thinks he's going in for a simple xray and that's all it will be.

I don't think I'm really worried - I'm just trying to cover all the bases and be prepared for any outcome....if one can be prepared. I do have great confidence (too much so?) in his providers that they will make the best decisions moment by moment.

However....as the spouse of a diabetic....these are not worries that I would have ever considered before I met this man. His risk in this procedure is MUCH greater than someone who does not have diabetes. At this age, he most likely would not even be considered for this process. It wouldn't happen for another 20 years....as an average...of what statistics show us. But neuropathy and high glucose increase the damage that occurs in arteries, thus bringing this on at a much earlier age.

He does not want to make a big deal out of this. I have informed a few close friends and my family that I might need to call on them should he end up with an extended stay in the hospital. As advised, he is packing an overnight bag. He took the first does of a liquid med this morning that is supposed to help protect his kidneys. He said it was absolutely horrid. The smell is still in the house and quite rank. Interesting that something that smelly could protect anything.

I think mostly, it's hard to put my feelings into words today. Worried, but trying not to worry. Nervous, but really not nervous (because I know that no matter what happens, it will be ok). Optimistic - because I have to be that way for him to help keep his spirits high. Jovial - because he endures stress best with jokes. So a complete roller coaster of emotions today - that I probably wouldn't have if he didn't have diabetes.

Bottom line. I have learned that no matter what happens in life, we somehow manage to survive it. So no matter what happens tomorrow, it will be ok.

DW