Denial

A comment I received:

I too am in denial about the suffering we are all subject too when an angry, out-of-control diabetic person is at the center of the drama (and needs to be). I keep telling myself that he is not really like this - it is the disease that makes him this way, but after a while...what's the difference? Your thoughts and actions come to define you. I am now finding that I have to develop a shell and become and uncaring to cope. And that makes me hard on my children and myself. So here we are. If I am to apply the same idea, well them I have become just as difficult to live with as a result. Sad and incompetent is how I feel. Thank you for sharing your experience. It does help.

This is just my opinion, but I think denial can last forever. I think it is a coping mechanism. But it's not just the spouse/family of a non-compliant or out-of-control diabetic - it's everyone around them.

Think about it. Their doctor has to be in denial. They don't make them chart their sugar 8 times a day. They don't ask to see the "log". They don't tell them they have put on way too much weight since the last visit. All they seem to want to do is get the patient out of the office as fast as they can.

Their boss must be in denial. I'm sure the same ranting and raving goes on at work that goes on here. He's never been disciplined. It's just called "his mood".

The sad fact is that he is exactly like this. Whether brought on by sugar levels, or his own personality - it is who he is. Yes, the disease started it. Maybe the disease continues it. But it is who they are. "the center of the drama" - oh my, what a perfect description! LOL!!!

They do like to make everyone around them feel totally inept and incompetent, huh? Haven't quite figured that one out.

Put on a shell? Well, that's one way to put it. I prefer to say that every time he tries to put his monkey on my back, I fling it right back to him. LOL! This is his disease. This is his problem. I've said this before and I'll put it here again.....I have learned to simply tell him that he does not have permission to yell at me. He does not have permission to blame me. And when his mood gets really bad, then I run to Walmart, or the grocery or somewhere....just leave for a couple of hours. Because usually when I come home - he's past that mood.

Of course I'm copinq quite well right now because he's gone! LOL! Just read my past blogs and see how many, many times I have not coped. That's when I come here to vent.

I guess I need to write one more thing here. For the past 2 months, he has been making joking comments that he is going to quit his job and go live under a bridge. He will say that he has picked out his spot, that he's found one that has a power outlet. I want to think that he is joking, so I simply tell him he can go whenever he wants, but don't think I'll be there with you! But I wonder what is going through his mind that he has started this line of joking. He is now morbidly obese, his kidneys are at 20%.....I just wonder how long he has left and if in his mind this is his way of coping.

Yep, denial. It really is a safe place to be when things get bad.

I also know that there are 5 stages of grief and we, as spouses, need to grieve the loss of our normal life, the normalness of our spouses, etc. And I also know that we can get to step 4, fall back to 1, progress to 3, fall back to 2.....that it can take years to process the grief of loss. And that's what we are doing, so denial is a natural part of that process. We just need to work to get ourselves out of denial and on to the next step.

DW