Suddenly....I'm just depressed.

My sister was here this weekend. And this morning, she wanted to take me out to breakfast. So we went. She really laid into me and I think I needed it.....but she's gone home now and I just feel so alone. So I need to write to get this out of my system.

She said that she was concerned about the amount of weight my husband has put on so far this year. I said, "I know." She said, "no, you live with him every day and you don't notice the change like we do when we only see him once every couple of months."

Which is true, I know.

She said that his upper arms are so big he can barely drive. Ok. I had not noticed that at all. I do know that his jean size have gone from a 36 waist to a 45 waist. Only because he asked me to go buy him new jeans. I also know that there is nothing in his closet that he can fit into.

I remember hearing about a diabetic when we were kids growing up. His religion prevented him from getting medical treatment. And I remember at church, they said he "blew up". I later asked mom what that meant and she said he just swelled up so much that the circulation shut off and he died.

Is my husband "blowing up"??

And then my sis said that she didn't want me to get in a fight with my hubby, but she thought that I needed to know that she saw him take a bag of candy and throw it on the very top shelf in the kitchen cabinet (where I would never look because it's too tall for me to get into.)

So, is he trying to die? Is he stuffing himself with sugar, eating it behind my back, hiding it in the house.....because he wants to die?

And that's what has thrown me into a blue funk this afternoon. Half of me says....just feed him all the sugar he wants. The other half of me says that I should go find the bag of candy, put it in the trash, and take the trash to the dump! And then there's that part of me that's the nurturing, mothering caregiver that wants to do whatever I can to help him through this. And the other part of me that says, NOT MY DISEASE....and just take a nap!

Somewhere in the middle of all these emotions...there has to be some balance. But I sure haven't found it yet.

I just want to smack every single person who has diabetes that does not take care of themselves and shake them by their ears and scream into their faces...."IT IS TOO MY DISEASE.....YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE!"

OK. I will get past this. One step at a time. But right now....I'm pretty pissed off that he's hiding candy.

I also need to note that he went to the bathroom last night and did not flush the toilet. His urine is near blood red.

And he took off his depends and tossed them onto the puppy's potty pad and just left them there in the corner of the bedroom. OK....yeah, just a little rage over that one. I am NOT his maid and I am NOT going to go around and pick up his depends after him. And I cannot believe he has gotten to this point....too lazy to throw away his own depends?

I am about 2 shakes away from walking out on him today and never looking back. But I'm so completely exhusted and drained that it's not going to be today. All I can do is say a prayer that the good Lord will see me through this round of emotions.

My sister also said that she has noticed a huge change in his personality. He does not care about anything. She says it's like he is in a drug induced fog. I told her that I've noticed he does not answer me when I say something more often than not. And it's true....it's like he is in a fog. He doesn't seem to be interested in anything much anymore. Except watching movies on TV.

It's good to have sisters who come visit on ocassion and can tell you thinks that you miss when you live with this on a day to day basis. Right now, I'm just very tired, and very depressed.

DW

DW