from my heart

I went upstairs tonight to go to bed, and he had on a pair of depends. I wish I could write what is in my heart...but I'm not sure I can find the words to express myself. At first I thought it was due to bladder incontinence. But then I realized...it's bowel incontinence.

I've done quite a bit of research on this, trying to prepare myself mentally. One of the websites that has more information than most is the Joslin Diabetes Center

And his neuropathy is getting worse. So it does not surprise me. Yet it does. I guess I just wasn't ready to see my husband in depends at this point of our lives.

I can see the outward signs of this disease in his charcot's food, his gout, and his impaired vision. So I don't know why I continue to deny that the same types of things have to be going on inside his body.

Of the types of neuropathy listed on the website above, he has been diagnosed so far with:


sensory neuropathy
distal neuropathy
bladder neuropathy
postural hypotension
charcot joint
impotence

The nerve endings are dying. "It can take up to two years for the pain of neuropathy - which is caused by ongoing damage to the nerve - to be replaced by the numbness that occurs when the nerve cells are more severely damaged. " He has already lost feeling and sensation in most of his fingers and in his feet.

So as I look at him tonight, I do understand (yet fear) that the nerve endings inside of his body are dying. And perhaps that explains why he is in so much pain all of the time.

But what happens as more and more of his nerve endings die off? How long before dialysis. And what "real" value would a kidney transplant be? Just prolong his agony? A kidney will only process the waste in his system. It won't alter the fact that his pancreas no longer produces insulin. It could not reverse the loss that he has already suffered.

I know this sounds horribly selfish, but tonight, I am having a difficult time comprehending that he is now in depends. But at the same time, I am so grateful that he took the initiative to wear them on his own.

I just have to wonder, what next?

DW

Note: He changed his mind on eating healthy. 5 days ago I posted that he had agreed to diet (translate - eat healthier) and then the next day he changed his mind. He probably had a pound of chocolate yesterday, Easter Sunday. And no, I did not buy any of it.