He just won't remember getting mad, yelling, hollering, making all kinds of accusations towards me. And in about 4 - 6 hours, he will wonder what's wrong with me. Do I tell him I'm just sad from this morning? Do I repeat what he said to me and let him deny it? Do I just go about my day and let him think all is well with the world?
The words hurt. No matter how much you tell yourself that they don't hurt....they continue to cut through you like a knife. And while I "know" that it is not him...it is his sugar low....somewhere deep inside him, he must think these things about me or he would not say them during a low.
And then I have to ask the question.....is this really what he thinks of me? Does the truth surface when he is angry, in the middle of a low, and just frustrated with everything in life?
And if this is really what he thinks of me, then why am I here? How can I love him like I do? Why do I care?
Is it because I am denying this is the truth? Because I cover it up with the excuse of a diabetic low? Because he continues to claim these are words he never said? Yet he said them. And he must truly mean them on some level.
I am truly sad today. I want to cry. But what is the point? I still have 2 options. Stay with him or leave him. I tell myself it's just one morning in a week that has been pretty ok. So stay. But then I wonder....when will the next "one" hit? How long will it last, what will he say that will cut to my bones once again...how much of this can I take?
DW
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
buy a tape recorder and keep it handy, then the next time turn it on to record him. later play it back to him so he can hear what he has said.
I'm a Type 1 diabetic, and I've had a few bad lows since I've been living with my husband. I tend to be quite cranky, mean, and hateful during these times, and afterwards I feel wretched - he doesn't deserve to be mistreated, and me being low doesn't take away the attitude I gave him while I was low..! While I haven't said anything really hurtful to him, I have hurt his feelings by being a total pain in the arse during my bad lows. I'm sure your husband feels badly, but he might not realize how deeply his words hurt you - especially if he doesn't remember what he said. It may he good to tell him what he said to you and to let him know how deeply it hurt you so that he knows that this is something that puts additional strain on your relationship with him. Does he know you're questioning whether or not you should stay with him? I'm so sorry you're having such a sad day; I hope things improve and tomorrow is a better day. Take care of yourself!
I've repeated the, "It's the disease talking and not him" mantra over and over, but you're right, it still hurts. I used to think too that there must be some truth to the words, but a doctor I worked for reminded me of how normally meek and mild women will swear like sailors and curse everyone out when they give birth. He also gave the example of how some people get when they come out of anesthesia or when their electrolytes are out of balance. I choose to believe that it is the disease because that's the only way I can deal with it.
This may sound like a big hassle, but have you considered wearing or carrying a small, voice-activated recorder. You'd probably have lots of wasted tape before he blows again, but at least at some point you'd have evidence that he couldn't dispute.
Hang in there and we'll pray that tomorrow's a brighter day!
"And then I have to ask the question.....is this really what he thinks of me? Does the truth surface when he is angry, in the middle of a low, and just frustrated with everything in life?"
Yup. And guess what, he remembers it too. It's low blood sugar, not amnesia.
"And if this is really what he thinks of me, then why am I here? How can I love him like I do? Why do I care?"
Good question, and one that only you can answer. He doesn't respect you, and why should he if you don't respect yourself enough to stand up to him.
Sorry to be harsh, but it's hard to read how much you clearly care for him and how poorly he treats you.
I am so sorry but I think I deleted a couple of comments that I meant to publish. I'm working with a new method of reaching this site since I'm still having a headache with Safari...if you would post again I will be a bit more careful!
To the rest, thank you for your comments. I've had thoughts about a tape recorder...I'll post those later. I like the honest disparity of the comments....he doesn't remember, yet he does, it's not amnesia. I've often wondered about that. Does he just say that he doesn't remember...or does he truly not remember?
I do know that he does feel badly as you said, Lauren. At least he tells me he does. And he is usually quite sweet and sympathetic and apologetic. Not today. I assume he's still in his low. Ha! I pretty much spent most of the day in my studio....which turned out to be a blessing as I got tons done. But I also know we are not speaking to each other, so maybe this time he does remember exactly what he said.
And no, he does not know that I question whether to stay with him or not. Well....we did talk about it a few months back when we saw a therapist, but not since then. Perhaps it's time to discuss it again just to let him know where I am.
Anne, you hit hard. But I appreciate that. I had not thought from the angle that he does not respect me. Simply because I write everything off to his diabetic lows. I will give your words some serious thought. Thank you, truly, thank you.
I am exhausted from my emotions today. I need a good night's rest. Tomorrow is a new day. I will try to think more clearly. He will be back at "work" from his office here at home and I will spend most of the day in my studio as I have more deadlines. The "good" thing is that it's been several weeks since we've had one of these episodes. Although it doesn't help...it' helps to have a good breather between them.
DW
DW, thank you for your blog. I read it often, and I must say that sometimes I blanch a bit at what you have to say.
As a type-1 diabetic who has chosen to thrive in the face of a sometimes difficult situation, I have a hard time reading about people who do just the opposite - and I can't stand to see people blame their bad behavior on their diabetes.
I have had some bad lows on occasion, and I have certainly been bitchy during those lows, but not once have I said something hurtful and claimed to not remember it. It seems to me that your husband is not unlike an alcoholic claiming to not remember something he said/did because he was "too drunk".
I am sorry that you live with such a person, and I believe that you deserve better. It seems to me that your husband's problem is not diabetes, but rather the lifestyle choices he has made in the past and continues to make. It's obvious to me that you are an intelligent and creative woman who enjoys living life, and you deserve to be with someone of an equal caliber.
I have met many type-2 diabetics who choose to take control and live a happier, healthier life. I have also had the pleasure of meeting a type-2 diabetic who, when diagnosed, made the difficult but necessary decision to completely overhaul his lifestyle while he still had the ability to reverse the progression of the disease (and has had no sign of diabetes for years). While it is extremely rare for someone to completely rid themselves of type-2 diabetes, I firmly believe that a healthy lifestyle is the key to good control - and I applaud you for your efforts to encourage your husband to take control.
However, you should not feel responsible for his failure to do so - and you deserve to be with someone who respects himself and you enough to not continue down this path. Don't let him make excuses for his behavior, and don't let him play the victim. He only has himself to blame for his problems - not the diabetes.
All my best to you.
Post a Comment