It's been about 3 months since I posted here. Mostly because my laptop crashed and I lost the link. But also because I've been traveling and he's been gone as well. Life has been good. Then I returned from San Deigo to a house smelling of dog urine and all "hell" broke loose!
So, I understand that he doesn't feel well. I understand that he has the flu. I don't understand not changing the pads for the dogs. I don't understand not letting them go outside. I feel certain that he just sat in his chair watching TV the whole time I was gone.
And I had no plans of saying a word. Just going to clean up all the messes. But he wanted to know what was wrong. THREE times I told him nothing. Then after he kept asking, I said, "do you really want to know?" and he said "Yes".
My mistake. I should have known that he was out of balance. Completely, totally, insanely out of whack! And the end result was a tirade of accusations towards me, another screaming match, him yelling at me to move out, just get out, just leave!!! The verbal abuse that flowed from his mouth is something I've not heard to date, so I know he is getting worse. I sat on the corner of the bed and did not cry this time. I listened and listened and then told him that he is the only person who can make himself happy, that I do not have any control over what he is feeling.
Yes...duh! That only made him angrier. I've written down everything he said in a word document because it's just too personal to put here. But I see a pattern. He is getting sicker. He is not taking care of himself. He is having major bouts of pain. And he is doing nothing to manage any of it.
As I was driving home from my last trip, it hit me, in the middle of the road, that he IS dieing. And I am NOT. That is the difference between us. With his kidney function down to 30%, and his complete denial (he still thinks insulin shots alone will cure him) he has done nothing to change the path he is on. I cannot change it for him. So he is dieing. And I am not. And that is the division between the 2 of us. Oh, I do realize that I could die long before he does! LOL! But my body is taking the normal aging route where his is expedited due to this disease and he unwillingness to manage it.
The rest of the weekend was spent with him sitting in front of his TV, watching movies because he is literally unable to do anything else. I walked 3 miles each day. Did a bit of yard work. Have decided to quit all soda (yeah!) quit all sugar (yeah!) and eat healthy (Weight Watchers for me.) At least in doing something I consider positive, I hope to put his latest outburst behind me and move forward.
I do believe that with this disease, if the person who has it is not willing to work to heal themselves, time does nothing but make it worse. My question is, how many more times will I have to endure his outbursts? I survive by knowing it is the disease, not the loving man I once married, that is being so verbally abusive towards me. I am just the vehicle that his anger gets dumped into. But how long this vehicle remains I cannot say. After all, I am human, too.
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2 comments:
My how I identify with you! I am 60 and dh 65. I have to remind him to do every blood sugar test, cook all his meals, write down all his food, figure carbs, etc. etc. I too have been told how many times that it is HIS DISEASE. I quit doing all of this for one year and his diabetes became so much worse. I just got back from taking students to Europe for two weeks and some days when my daughter came over and made him check it was over 300. Of course the dog groomer said he sat at the kitchen table and ate an entire bag of choc chip cookies while she groomed our yorkies. Mood swings are so similar to your dh's. I was in tears when I read your posts. I am still teaching....better than staying home all day...huh?? You need a pat on the back though...at least you realize it is the sugar that makes him so angry, hateful, etc. I unfortunately let him push my buttons and then I say too much back which I later regret. My dh and his doctor really got into it last week and he did say he doesn't want to die and that he will start trying harder...I wonder when. He will just pick up a banana, a cookie, etc. just like it won't affect him at all. Hang in there...it is so good to know there are other wives with the same frustration and yes, anger, that their husbands still seem to be in denial. You sound soooo creative..wish you were nearby and would give me some ideas for my house!! Get that paint out and start brushing! it will be beautiful!
Oh my, I am so sorry that I made you cry. But I do know there are moments when the only thing left is tears. I wish we lived close as I so need someone to talk with. In the past 24 hours, hubby has eaten a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies, a bag of potato chips, and a chocolate ice cream sundae. He made the comment this past weekend, "If I'm going to die, I'm going to live life like I want too".
Sigh.
Oh...the house is still not painted! LOL! But at least I have a goal...to finish it one day soon! :o)
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