back home

I had a wonderful trip with my youngest sister.  A much needed break from life for both of us as she takes care of our elderly mom.  I must say that hubby did perfect while we were gone.  No crisis or emergencies.  He took the next step towards back surgery.  Looks like it will be a 2 day process.  6 hours of surgery on a Friday with an incision through his stomach, they put the intestines aside and reach the back from the front, then another 6 hour surgery on Monday where they go in from the back to finish up the process.

That way, he is not under anesthesia too long, less chance of risk.  He will be in the hospital for a week, being fed via an IV.  If he doesn't resume regular food within 8 days, he will be transferred to a nursing home.

I'm thinking with all the complications from diabetes....what are the risks that he will be in a nursing home for an extended period of time?  It took about 8 days after his heart surgery for his systems to fire back up normally.  Now they want to do 2 operations, back to back?  More than I can wrap my brain around at the moment!  I will give it a week or so to sink in, but he did quite well - he recorded the doctor's visit for me and took photos of the models.

They want to fuse 4 discs, insert rods, bolts and a cage.  He keeps asking me what he should do and I can't answer him.  I don't see how he can continue with his current level of pain.  He's basically immobile, so he can't even exercise. He's probably put on 40-50 pounds since his open heart surgery which is not helping a thing, but since he can't even walk more than a few steps, he's bound to gain even more weight.

The earliest they can do the surgery is going to be the end of January.  He could easily gain another 50 pounds by then.    And it's so sad because eating is the only thing left that he truly enjoys that he's physically able to do.

I talked to him a little about just giving up and getting a wheel chair.  He's not willing to do that.  I'm not sure I'm ready to go through such an intensive surgery and what appears to be an extremely long recovery period - maybe 9 months or longer.  I told him to go ahead and contact the surgeon and get surgery scheduled.  We can always decide not to do it.  I need more information as I'm still not certain what type of research to do.

So while I had a nice break for the last 2 weeks, I certainly got myself tossed right back into the middle of everything in less than 2 seconds!  LOL!!!

Choices and decisions.....it's part of what diabetes is all about.

DW

Update

Leaving Tuesday. Gone till 10/28.

Venous ulcer has shrunk another 1cm. The rightndirection. We don't go back tom that dr. For 4 weeks.

He has an appt with the neurosurgeon on the 18th while I am gone. I really hope they want to do surgery.

I found a jar of icing in the back of the fridge tonight! Didn't say a word. Think it's really funny that he's hiding the sweet stuff. If it was me and I was going ton hide something sweet, it sure wouldn't be icing!! LOL!!

Sorry for the typos. I'm trying to blog from my new iPad...it is a learning curve but I love it!

Packing is done. Moff to relax and watch a movie. Indulged and had my hair professionally trimmed and colored yesterday. It feels great!!

Hopeneveryone has a great few weeks. I will be keeping notes from my phone calls with hubby and post when I return.

Dw

Be happy! Eat what you want!

I'm getting ready to go on a trip overseas with my sister.  So I won't be around much for the next month.  It's the trip of a lifetime and I'm beyond excited about it.

I also won't be around to take care of him.

And he decided today that he needs to be able to eat easy-to-fix food while I'm gone.

He stocked up on soft pretzels, cookies, pizza, taquitos.....get the idea?

And I didn't say a word.

Yesterday, he said that the only thing he has left that he enjoys doing is eating.

So I am giving in and giving up for the next month.

He can eat whatever he wants.

Just be happy.

I am letting go. Truly.  Letting go.  He can simply do what he wants - eating and otherwise.

I'm going to be on the other side of the globe.  I can't help him.  He might as well enjoy the time I'm away!

1 pound of peanut M&Ms

Costco sized boxes of cookies

Hamburger helper

His dietitian would have a heart attack.

I tell myself not to think about it.  So I'll write it down here in the event we need to know later.

I'm excited to be going.  Scared to death to be leaving him.  Worried about what might happen.

Telling myself I'm not going to worry.  Nothing I can do about it from there.

But we all know you can't not worry.  :o)

DW

Mary wrote:

Hi DW, I deal with similar issues at my home too. One of my friends mentioned early onset of Alzheimer's disease. I am wondering if diabetic symptoms mimic Alzheimer's symptoms. My husband exhibits nearly all of these symptoms (plus the diabetic symptoms) and he is 48 years old! MaryM *** Here are the symptoms of Alzheimer's from mayoclinic.com Memory loss Everyone has occasional lapses in memory. It's normal to forget where you put your car keys or to blank on the names of people whom you rarely see. But the memory problems associated with Alzheimer's disease persist and worsen. People with Alzheimer's may: * Repeat things * Often forget conversations or appointments * Routinely misplace things, often putting them in illogical locations * Eventually forget the names of family members and everyday objects Problems with abstract thinking People with Alzheimer's may initially have trouble balancing their checkbook, a problem that progresses to trouble recognizing and dealing with numbers. Difficulty finding the right word It may be a challenge for those with Alzheimer's to find the right words to express thoughts or even follow conversations. Eventually, reading and writing also are affected. Disorientation People with Alzheimer's disease often lose their sense of time and dates, and may find themselves lost in familiar surroundings. Loss of judgment Solving everyday problems, such as knowing what to do if food on the stove is burning, becomes increasingly difficult, eventually impossible. Alzheimer's is characterized by greater difficulty in doing things that require planning, decision making and judgment. Difficulty performing familiar tasks Once-routine tasks that require sequential steps, such as cooking, become a struggle as the disease progresses. Eventually, people with advanced Alzheimer's may forget how to do even the most basic things. Personality changes People with Alzheimer's may exhibit: * Mood swings * Distrust in others * Increased stubbornness * Social withdrawal * Depression * Anxiety * Aggressiveness ****

Mary - I am no medical expert.  BUT....here are my thoughts on this.  A person who has diabetes for a long time is a person who is in the normal aging process.  But that process might get speeded up because of the damage diabetes can do.  We know that neuropathy is the loss of feeling in the extremities.  We know that the nerve endings start to die off in the feet, toes, fingers, hands.  And we also know that nerve endings start to die off in other parts of the body, such as the intestines.  Diabetics can go blind.  They seem to lose all types of normal body functions as the disease progresses.

So it would make sense to me that as the nerve endings start to die off in the extremities, there is damage being done to the nerve endings in the brain.  Why would diabetes be selective to what/which nerve endings it attacks?  I think it's such an extremely slow process that we don't notice it. And because it's tied into aging, we often think - oh, he's just getting older - at a much younger rate.

People are so eager to discredit what this disease does to the body.  And yes, if you are compliant, follow the doctor's orders, you can slow it down.  You can even get it into remission.  But if you are noncompliant....you simply speed up the process and the progression of the disease.

So, is it Alzheimer's , or is it just the progression of the disease?  Does one aggrivate the other?  Does one assist and aggitate the other?  I can only guess that it does.  Makes sense to me.

I grew up with a family that went to a Church of Christ - did not believe in any type of medicine.  The father became diabetic.  Did not do anything.  It wasn't many years and the saying was "he blew up".  His kidneys stopped functioning, he retained everything that went in, and he puffed up like a whale and died.  So I know first hand that medication can dramatically slow down the prognosis of this disease.  I also know what it does....and will do..in the long run....because this is what diabetes is.  High sugar eats away and the veins and arteries, and every inch of the body.

Hope that makes sense!


Today was my birthday.  The "real" reason he gave me the ipad.  :o)  It was a very good day for both of us.  We sort of took the day off and just enjoyed each other.  Even did a little bit of talking about the future and the need to downsize and get rid of stuff.   It's so nice to have a good day every now and then.  Reminds you how much you love them and how hopeful you are for even more good days like this!

DW

Support

I must be feeling chatty tonight.  2 blogs in one day?  That means I can go a week without posting again!  ha ha!

A very wise person once told me this:

You need a source of support.  It can come from your spouse and/or family.  It can come from your work.  Or it can come from your church.  But one of those 3 places has to provide you support.  And if you don't have that or can't find it, you will probably fall apart.

I have thought about that often over the years.  There have been times in my life when work was just pathetic....but my family life was wonderful.  I can think of times when my marital relationship was in the tubes, but I was on a high at the office.

And I remember once, in 1992, when I had nothing.  I had been laid off from a job, was going through a divorce, had moved 1000 miles away from family, church, friends - and I do think I had a breakdown that year.

So, in looking back, I think I have to agree with that very wise person - we absolutely have to find support from one of those sources in our life.

Right now, I have such an amazing network of friends.  They insure that we go out at least twice a week - often it's more than that.  I don't work, but my art is my therapy and I get wonderful support from those who see it and appreciate it.   I am surrounded by family who really lift me up on a daily basis.  And because I have all that, I have the strength to help hubby and care for him and be alert to changes in him.

I also spend an hour each morning in Bible study and prayer.  And I am clinging more and more to the strength of my spiritual support as I try to ready myself for our future.

As I think back over my life, I have always had spiritual support.  Even in 1992.  But I will confess it was probably at an all time low that year as well.

If you are the wife of a diabetic and you are not getting support from work, family, religion or friends....you have a difficult rope to tow.  Trying to take care of a diabetic almost demands that you find support somewhere else, as I just don't see it coming from the diabetic.  Maybe I should put that differently.  We have to be strong for them.  Support them.  Care for them.  So we have to find our own support from somewhere else.

Years ago, I didn't know how to find support.  But I have learned.  It comes from setting goals in our own life, volunteering to help others, giving back to others, joining a new group and meeting new people, writing our thoughts in a journal, praying, praying for others, and taking time out just for you.

I didn't start this blog to find support.  But in the process of writing about my life, I have made so many friends, and have gained so much support.  It's truly nice to know that we are not alone.  But I have also found support in my family, my art, and my faith.  Hope you all will find it, too.

DW

and another low

I should have recognized it

All the symptoms

Anxious.  Needy.  Demanding.

He needed a certain, specific power adapter.

First said my brother had it.  I quietly said I had already asked him and he didn't have it

Then said I had to find it.

Mind you, it's for something of his....that I never use.

I looked in all the usual places - where we keep extra power adapters.  Nothing fit.

Then I got out all the travel converters thinking something might work.

Went to the garage and went through 2 huge bins of electrical wires and stuff.

(Wondering why any one man needs to keep all this stuff?)

He came out to the garage.  Stood right in front of me.  So close, I couldn't move.  So I asked him politely to move aside so I could get to the bins.  He snorted.  Sighed.  Harumphed. You know how they do.

Went to the basement and went through 4 boxes of electrical stuff.  In the process I found about 30 different power adapters.  Brought them all inside and/or upstairs.

Nothing worked.

By now, he is so agitated, I realize it's a sugar low.  Why this isn't my first reaction I will never know.  I think I am ever optimistic!

Found a bag of candy and opened it up and offered him some.

In 10 minutes, he was a perfect gentleman once again.

I think I just realized why my in-laws pantry looks like a candy store.  My MIL got smart years ago!  ha ha!

I'm still trying to do the healthy route....but I may give up and just feed him chocolate.

He sure is nicer!

He cut 2 different adapters apart and wired them together and got what he needed working to work.

It's 10:55 pm.  I have just spent the last hour and a half of my life looking for something that he probably would have found himself if he ever just put things back where they belong.  Not this guy.  He's an electrical nightmare!  :o)

But I do think the problem is ME.  I think I will never learn to think diabetes first.  I will never learn to suspect diabetes until we are half way through an ordeal.  And don't bother ask why I even started to help him tonight. I'm just a complete idiot!  Maybe one of these days I'll learn to say "NO" to him!  But I doubt it.

So where's the line between love - and we do it because we love them, and waking up and realizing their stupid behavior is due to a sugar imbalance?  Something I probably will never know.

DW

PS, I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow and filling the pantry with chocolate.

(just kidding!)

24 hours later

he was his usual apologetic self.  It always happens. And then I remembered...just before his outburst, he had come downstairs and walked into the kitchen and gotten something to eat.  So I thought back.  He had fixed himself one of those soft pretzels about 4 pm.  So he wasn't hungry for dinner and didn't eat.  But then came down and got a bag of potato chips.  So I'm pretty sure he was in the middle of another sugar low.  And that was the basis for his outburst.

I printed out some information about depression and anger and left it on his desk.  He never made a comment about it the next morning.

He went to the apple store and bought me an ipad.

He almost always buys something when he wants to apologize.

Is it worth staying for?

Hardly!

And I told him that while I appreciated it so much, it didn't make up for his outburst.

Will it stop him from doing it again?

Probably not.

No matter how much I want to leave, I probably won't.  I love him for all the good moments.  I love him for the man I know is there, somewhere....that shows himself every now and then....the guy I fell in love with.

Diabetes. Has to be the world's worst disease.

DW

The wound is better!

Ahhhh....the roller coaster ride - again.

The wound is better.  It appears to be healing.  While it still looks horrible, I can see it closing.  I can also tell it will be a lengthy process.

He did the extra 5 sets of xrays on his back.

The neurosurgeon is out on vacation for 2 weeks.....so we wait.

Always a rollercoaster.

2 days ago he said he wanted to go to the movies on Saturday night.  We even picked out the time/movie to go see. I remember saying, "I thought we weren't going out to the movies anymore."  He replied, "It's your birthday, I thought we'd do something nice".  (birthday is not for another week, but I was happy he wanted to go out)

I went to lunch with a pal today and when I came home, I asked what time we were going to leave to go out.

He looked at me like I was crazy and he said, "go out where?"

I said that I thought we were going to the movies

He said he never said that.

I reminded him of the movie he had said he wanted to go see and the time.

He said, "I asked you IF we went to the movies, what would we go see."

I told him that his implication was that we were going to the movies on Friday night.

He got mad and started yelling at me that he had the right to change his mind.

I simply said that he should tell me when he changes his mind so I know what ot plan for

Then he really got mad and started accusing me of changing my mind all the time and never telling him.  Of course, I change my mind....but I do tell him.  I told him it just didn't matter any more.  I went to bed and took a 2 hour nap.  No, it didn't help.  But he is absolutely exhausting.  The word games he plays, his ability to turn everything on me - make every tiny detail my fault.  If I could just get a job, I would leave him.  But no luck on the job front, that's for sure.

So I stay.  In a place I truly do not want to be.  Never planned this.  Never asked for this.  Never agreed to this.  I know he hurts.  I know he is depressed.  I know he is exhausted.  But it is 100% his problem, not mine and I am tired of being his scape goat - his excuse, I am tired of being blamed for everything wrong with his life.

Maybe I just need a 4 hour nap!  LOL!
DW

wound is worse

Tuesday, we went to the wound care center for the venous ulcer on his leg.  They presribed a treatment plan.  2 days later the ulcer is noticeably worse. He is supposed to call the doctor if it gets worse.  He did not call.

I want to throw up.

For a million reasons.

Because he refuses to do what they tell him to do.

Because of how bad the wound looks.

Because the "what-if" of it all makes me a nervous wreck.

I somehow think if I throw up, I will feel better.

Now, how stupid is that????!!!

DW

good or bad?

We had the consult with the ortho surgeon on Friday.  They said if we didn't hear from our HMO by today to call them.  So he did.  Turns out the surgeon took hubby's files home with him over the weeekend, so the request to do more xrays didn't get submitted.  Surgeon will be back tomorrow.

So the question is - is it good or bad?  Good that the surgeon was concerned enough to take the medical record home to review over the weekend?  Bad that the condition warrants the surgeon to take it home and study?

I simply told hubby that I thought this was a very good surgeon - someone who cared enough to look more closely at the medical record, and thus we should listen to his final recommendation and take it to heart.  He agreed.

In the meantime, hubby has started having nightmares.  Really bad ones.  Bizzare ones.  Scary ones.  He wakes up and cannot go back to sleep because he is afraid the dream will come back.

I wonder if it's a side affect of one of his medications.

I suggested he call his physician.

He didn't.

In direct contrast, I have been sleeping like a log, getting excellent rest, no dreams and getting my rest.  Hopefully that will continue and I can stay one step ahead of everything else.

He is back in his depression.  He did not leave the house all weekend long.  Did not want to go to the movies or out to eat.  Absolutely nothing.  Just watched movies all weekend long.

I had plenty of things going on and stayed quite busy, yet still concerned about his level of depression.  He continues to refuse to see anyone about it.

The anger outbursts are increasing, but still manageable.  I can understand a lot of it.  Worrying about his back, dealing with the pain.  I think he's pretty much sitting on the edge.  But nothing I can do other than listen and be here for him.  So life goes on.  Overall, it was a quiet weekend.

DW

Surgeon visit

Went to meet with the orthopedic surgeon yesterday afternoon.  I liked the guy.  He did a very thorough exam.  I think he knows what he wants to do, but he ordered  5 more sets of xrays.  I think he wants to make sure before he tells us what he thinks the next steps are.

Of concern was the fact that our HMO did an MRI - hubby was laying down, and this does not show what happens to the back when he stands up.  So we need standing xrays to compare to the MRIs.

It was interesting to see how you can view cross sections of the vertebra and see them lined up at the same time.  Hubby has substantial narrowing of the spinal colum, degeneration of numerous vertebra, curvature of the spine.

The most interesting finding is that he has lost a full inch in height in the last year.  Wow!! That was a shocker to both of us!

I have never doubted his back pain.  But now I wonder how he even manages to walk after seeing everything that is wrong with it.

So, we wait.  The HMO has to approve, then schedule the new xrays.  We are supposed to ask to have the films, then hand carry them back to the surgeon and will have a second consult with him.

After that, hubby has to make the decision whether he wants to have back surgery or not.  I simply want to know what the recovery time is and how surgery will impact his dibetes.

More wait and see.

DW

Brain fog

Mary wrote:

I got scared this morning. DH is a Type 2 and he tested high this morning. He ate his usual breakfast of sugary cereal even though I offered to cook eggs for him. He was trying to type on the computer keyboard and I watched him trying to distinguish the numbers from the letters. He would type something and then realize that is wasn't right and then try again. All the time he was doing this he was asking me the same question over and over (What is his email address? What is his password? Lucky for him that I have a good memory). I told him that he was not acting right. I asked him if he was feeling okay and if he was having a problem with confusion. His response was silence. He would not or could not articulate what he was going through. I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER. No response. He just kept on trying to figure out his keyboard typing. He is very computer literate and never had any problems until today. I helped him get into his email account so he could read his messages.

And I have to say "I so understand!" Today was not good here.  I went out to the garage to get something and noticed a huge pile of something that did not look good at all on a wood shelf that I use as sort of a workbench.  I have drills and a grinder and a bin for screws on it.  I called hubby to have him come take a look at it.  He said, "oh, I spilled some battery acid there."

So, the battery acid was eating into the wood and was festering up.  I was so upset.  I got a paint scraper out and scraped as much as I could into the trash.  That's when I saw the acid was eating the wood away.  $100 shelves.  I absolutely could not believe that he just left it there, didn't even try to clean it up.  I put baking soda on it, made a paste, took the shelves apart, got the wood outside and hosed it down.  Of course, I ran out of baking soda and had to run to the store for more.  The acid had eaten almost half way through the shelf, but I think I got it all off the wood.  I flipped the board over and put the shelves back together and then put everything back on the shelf.

I called my sister and vented.  If I had a job, I would leave him today.  It took me 2 hours out of what was already a really busy day to clean up a mess that he made.  I know, I know - his back hurt.  He would do it when he felt better.  The problem is that he is never going to feel better and if I didn't clean it up - it would have eaten all the way through the board.  So, no big deal - cut a new board!  But why me. Why do I have to do it all?  Why do I have to clean up all of his messes just because he doesn't feel up to it?  I just wanted to scream.

And I know he doesn't feel good.  But to just walk away and leave BATTERY ACID?????  He could have told me when it happened.  No, I'm sure he was in a sugar low or high and just not thinking.  It happens so much.  Most of the time I just ignore it.  But battery acid????

I wonder what will be next?  What will he forget?  What will he get confused about?  What will he overlook?

So Mary, I am right there with you.  I understand completely.  I don't know what we can do - other than keep an ever watchful eye, try to find the spills before they eat the wood up, try to stay one step ahead of everything, and try to NOT get worn out.

Tonight....I'm worn out!

Lynn wrote:

I am scared for you. It sounds like he is giving up and just doing whatever he wants to do, barring consequences...don't his doctors give him hope? Just wondering. Is the work too much? too much stress to work and take care of himself...just a thought...is there a way he can get disability? just another thought...what about depression meds...if he isn't on them would he consider it? these are just thoughts that have popped into my head as I feel concerned for my cyber sister...I am scared for you two. HUGS and LOVE.

In a nutshell:
He won't quit work
He won't take depression meds
He won't go to counseling
His doctors are actually quite optimistic.  He isn't.
He could qualify for disability.....but I sort of think work might be better for him at the moment.  At least it gives him something to do and keeps his mind busy.

I'm pretty sure he's given up.  I do my best to stay happy and optimistic around him (when I'm not seething mad about battery acid!)  When I do get mad, I find a project to work on - today was cleaning in the basement.  I have a goal.  Get everything up out of the basement while I can still do stairs myself!  It's a good goal.  Forcing me to sort through things.  Keeps me away from him!

I've been doing tons of research on depression, mood swings, impacts of various drugs.  He has his moments when he still seems perfectly ok.  But lately, we've been experiencing more and more forgetful moments.  Missed appointments.  Getting times and dates of appointments mixed up.  Missing meetings.  I try to keep a calendar and when I remind him of something - he actually argues that it's not on that date.  Then when he misses it, he apologizes.  We've had a huge increase in stuff like that going on.  I try to remind him.  But he can be pretty stubborn on most days!

I still try to find humor in it all.  Some days it takes more effort than others.  The good thing about the battery acid is that I got that shelf cleaned off!  LOL!!!  One more thing I can cross off my "to do" list.  Maybe he should pour some battery acid on the window sills as I need to repaint most of them!  :o)

DW

Today, I'm scared

We all have our moments. They come and they go. Today - I'm scared.

He is depressed. I know this is common for post open heart surgery. I know he needs counseling. He won't go. I can't help him.

He said all he wants to do for the next 5 days is sleep.

Part of this has to be because he is back eating all the crap he wants. Not exercising. Loading up on sweets.

With increased medical bills due to the surgery, back, all the specialists, office visits and prescriptions.....we have had to cut way back in other areas and this is contributing to his depression.

He is gaining weight and quite puffy looking. His eyes look especially swollen to me. I am noticing that sweet uric smell in our bedroom once again. He says he doesn't smell it, but I sure do. There was a TV series out here while back with a grim reeper.....and I feel like this smell is his grim reeper. It's almost a warning that kidney failure is around the corner once again.

It is so sad to see him in such a state. But I know I can't do anything except be here for him. I am doing my best to keep busy and active, fill my day with projects and outings. But in the background - he is overshadowing everything.

He went to bed at 1 pm, it's now 3 pm. He was supposed to be off work today, but got called into major meetings starting at 6 am this morning.

I'm scared that the infection in the venous ulcer in his ankle is spreading.

I'm scared that he is reverting back to kidney failure.

I'm scared that something else is going on with his heart and he is not getting sufficient oxygen to the brain. (He's acting much like he did before he had bypass surgery).

I'm just scared.

And I realize that it's ok to be scared. As long as I don't allow the fear to consume me. As long as I don't allow the emotions to overcome me to the point that I can't function. Or to stop living my own life.

Too hot to do yardwork, so I'm going to read a good book this afternoon. Have already had a visit from an art pal today and went to a warehouse sale.

But in between all that....I just wanted to note that I'm scared. And that I don't think he's doing well at all.

DW

venous ulcer

As expected, it'snot healing. So his physician referred him to the wound care center last Wednesday. When he went to make the appointment, they told him they couldn't get him in until 9/14.

So for the next 2 weeks, we simply wait and hope that the infection doesn't spread. It is just amazing to me that our healthcare system is so completely stupid!

His back pain has increased. Probably because he is favoring his leg.

The neurosurgeon is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon who is supposed to schedule a consult appt by the end of this week.

We talked a little bit today about back surgery. 50% chance it won't help at all. Chance he might be paralyzed. I told him all we can do is see what the new surgeon has to say.

He is sleeping more and more. Always tired. I think the pain is wearing him out.

My sister surprised us with an overnight visit last night. Always fun!

He is taking 5 days off over Labor Day weekend and just wants to stay home.

The blessing in all this is that he can still work.

DW

The dicotomy of being away

I love being alone
but I worry about him being alone

I don't have to do anything for him
but I worry about him having to do everything for himself

I can eat whatever I want
but I worry about what he's eating

I sleep so well
but wonder if he is sleeping at all

I don't have to see the ulcer on his leg
but I wonder if he is doing what he needs to do to take care of it

When I call him and he doesn't answer the phone
I wonder if he's in a sugar coma

the list could go on

if you are the wife of a diabetic, I think you know.

DW

update on venus ulcer and more

Lilly wrote:

Just wondering: If he has been eating whatever he wants, his blood sugar is probably way too high at times. I know that my husband (Type 1, not Type 2) can get extremely verbally abusive at both extremes: too high, or too low, and I'm not always sure which it is, until he passes out (or just keeps ranting). Sadly, when he decides to sleep all day and I am at home, I enjoy the peace and quiet. And he wonders why I don't try to wake him! I am also avoiding being in the same room with him more and more, to keep from being yelled at or criticized for senseless things. (He also tells me he's not yelling; I'm yelling at him!) Simply being on survival mode is NOT the way I want things to be all the time, but this is my reality right now. I don't want to leave a chronically ill husband, but some days . . . !

He has to be going high because he's still at 6.2 overall and having lows. But he's not testing any more. Probably hasn't tested in 2 months now.

I have escaped to my sisters (2 hours away) for 5 days. I have 2 sisters who live in the same town, so the 3 of us have a weekend planned of chick flicks, shopping and resting. It's the best therapy on earth. And I'm close enough that if I absolutely need to go home, I can, but far enough away to get a break.

Went with him to the doctor's yesterday and they took off the unna boot. Doc thinks there may be new cell growth, so they wrapped it back up and we wait another week. If there was new cells, then we should see major progress in another week. If it wasn't, then he will go to the wound care center. His leg was totally shriveled up from being wrapped so tight. I thought it looked even more infected, but the doctor thought it was new cell growth. So we wait another week.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

DW

I think between fighting that, the irritation of the unna boot, eating crap again, sugars going high and low, I needed to get away.

So today, he couldn't.....

plug in an extension cord on one side of the garage and run it to the other. Literally! He waited until I got home from the store, then started yellng at me because I had moved something in the garage. The GFI popped 3 times and he had to go to the basement each time to reset it. I asked him why he didn't run an extension cord from another outlet and he just started screaming at me. I said, "you don't need to get mad and yell!" to which he replied that I was yelling at him....and I hadn't even raised my voice - just asked a question.

So as he stormed into the house and slammed the door, I said, "oh, go eat some sugar!" LOL! No, I don't think he heard me. But I'm sure he's in a low. Just a quick post as I'm out the door to go run some more errands. I am NOT going to sit in this house with him in this mood. I don't need it and I don't deserve it.

Guess I should also note that the incision in his ankle where they took the vein out has now turned into a venous ulcer. I had been telling him that he needed to go to the doctor and he refused. Finally this week, when it started oozing, he made an appointment. They put an unna boot on it - for 2 weeks. If it doesn't improve, then he has to go to the wound care center. You know, he doesn't even consider stuff like what might happen if the infection goes to his bone. He just ignores it until he can't. So I'm sure he's upset about that as well. He is supposed to elevate his leg 4 times a day for 30 minutes each....and if he had been doing this since surgery....well, ok....

I'm off to run errands and simply escape from his wrath for a little bit today!

DW

the job hunt

I think I need to go back to work. Not for the money. But to get out of the house every single day. To get away from his constant depression. To associate with something outside of the realm of diabetes.

Sad.

But I have decided this is what I need to do.

So I applied for my first job today.

My goal is to apply for one job a day, 5 days a week.

Do I care what I do?

Not really.

As long as it is "doing" something!

He is very non-communicative again today.

I want to go back to vacationland and escape this!

Maybe I will start sleeping days and be awake all night.

Just so we don't run into each other! LOL!

Broke a tooth off last week and have to go to the dentist next.

Hope all the DWs out there have a peaceful day!

Did it work?

Yes and no! The pain on one side of his back/hip is better. The pain on the other side is much worse. After 3 weeks - it just doesn't seem to have helped him that much. I had a mini weekend getaway with another artist pal and came home to an utter bear of a guy. Ugh! I mean every little word is a pain to him. He's completely and totally intolerable. I'm just positive he ate whatever he wanted while I was gone and now it's back to veggi burgers, no potato chips, no chocolate....and he's just plain mad at me!

He said my brother was here and they went out to eat and a local sports bar where they serve nothing but deep fried comfort food! Just what both guys needed. ha ha!

But you know what, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. He is in miserable pain because he STILL refuses to take care of himself.

He had the TV on this evening so loud it was shaking the house. I asked him to turn it down just a notch. You can't begin to imagine how angry he got with me. He finally put on his headsets. Now, I assume this means he is going deaf and will just yell at me even more because he can't hear what I'm saying.

I did have a wonderful weekend away and am so appreciative of my friends who keep me sane!

DW

FINALLY!!!

This afternoon, he gets his first cortisone injection in his back! Took them long enough, huh? But we are both excited and hoping that he has a peaceful weekend. I'm just not sure I'll know what to do with a guy that's not in pain! LOL!

His heart seems to be working just great. Diabetes is as under control as it has ever been. Glucose is still too high. He's back to eating whatever he wants - out of control, so I'm going to try to reign that in this weekend with a round of grilled seafood and healthy cooking. Now, if I can just get him to cooperate!

Will try to post the results of the injection as soon as we know. Just praying that he at least gets 24 hours of relief. A couple months would be wonderful!

DW