Went to meet with the orthopedic surgeon yesterday afternoon. I liked the guy. He did a very thorough exam. I think he knows what he wants to do, but he ordered 5 more sets of xrays. I think he wants to make sure before he tells us what he thinks the next steps are.
Of concern was the fact that our HMO did an MRI - hubby was laying down, and this does not show what happens to the back when he stands up. So we need standing xrays to compare to the MRIs.
It was interesting to see how you can view cross sections of the vertebra and see them lined up at the same time. Hubby has substantial narrowing of the spinal colum, degeneration of numerous vertebra, curvature of the spine.
The most interesting finding is that he has lost a full inch in height in the last year. Wow!! That was a shocker to both of us!
I have never doubted his back pain. But now I wonder how he even manages to walk after seeing everything that is wrong with it.
So, we wait. The HMO has to approve, then schedule the new xrays. We are supposed to ask to have the films, then hand carry them back to the surgeon and will have a second consult with him.
After that, hubby has to make the decision whether he wants to have back surgery or not. I simply want to know what the recovery time is and how surgery will impact his dibetes.
More wait and see.
DW
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Brain fog
Mary wrote:
And I have to say "I so understand!" Today was not good here. I went out to the garage to get something and noticed a huge pile of something that did not look good at all on a wood shelf that I use as sort of a workbench. I have drills and a grinder and a bin for screws on it. I called hubby to have him come take a look at it. He said, "oh, I spilled some battery acid there."
So, the battery acid was eating into the wood and was festering up. I was so upset. I got a paint scraper out and scraped as much as I could into the trash. That's when I saw the acid was eating the wood away. $100 shelves. I absolutely could not believe that he just left it there, didn't even try to clean it up. I put baking soda on it, made a paste, took the shelves apart, got the wood outside and hosed it down. Of course, I ran out of baking soda and had to run to the store for more. The acid had eaten almost half way through the shelf, but I think I got it all off the wood. I flipped the board over and put the shelves back together and then put everything back on the shelf.
I called my sister and vented. If I had a job, I would leave him today. It took me 2 hours out of what was already a really busy day to clean up a mess that he made. I know, I know - his back hurt. He would do it when he felt better. The problem is that he is never going to feel better and if I didn't clean it up - it would have eaten all the way through the board. So, no big deal - cut a new board! But why me. Why do I have to do it all? Why do I have to clean up all of his messes just because he doesn't feel up to it? I just wanted to scream.
And I know he doesn't feel good. But to just walk away and leave BATTERY ACID????? He could have told me when it happened. No, I'm sure he was in a sugar low or high and just not thinking. It happens so much. Most of the time I just ignore it. But battery acid????
I wonder what will be next? What will he forget? What will he get confused about? What will he overlook?
So Mary, I am right there with you. I understand completely. I don't know what we can do - other than keep an ever watchful eye, try to find the spills before they eat the wood up, try to stay one step ahead of everything, and try to NOT get worn out.
Tonight....I'm worn out!
Lynn wrote:
He won't quit work
He won't take depression meds
He won't go to counseling
His doctors are actually quite optimistic. He isn't.
He could qualify for disability.....but I sort of think work might be better for him at the moment. At least it gives him something to do and keeps his mind busy.
I'm pretty sure he's given up. I do my best to stay happy and optimistic around him (when I'm not seething mad about battery acid!) When I do get mad, I find a project to work on - today was cleaning in the basement. I have a goal. Get everything up out of the basement while I can still do stairs myself! It's a good goal. Forcing me to sort through things. Keeps me away from him!
I've been doing tons of research on depression, mood swings, impacts of various drugs. He has his moments when he still seems perfectly ok. But lately, we've been experiencing more and more forgetful moments. Missed appointments. Getting times and dates of appointments mixed up. Missing meetings. I try to keep a calendar and when I remind him of something - he actually argues that it's not on that date. Then when he misses it, he apologizes. We've had a huge increase in stuff like that going on. I try to remind him. But he can be pretty stubborn on most days!
I still try to find humor in it all. Some days it takes more effort than others. The good thing about the battery acid is that I got that shelf cleaned off! LOL!!! One more thing I can cross off my "to do" list. Maybe he should pour some battery acid on the window sills as I need to repaint most of them! :o)
DW
I got scared this morning. DH is a Type 2 and he tested high this morning. He ate his usual breakfast of sugary cereal even though I offered to cook eggs for him. He was trying to type on the computer keyboard and I watched him trying to distinguish the numbers from the letters. He would type something and then realize that is wasn't right and then try again. All the time he was doing this he was asking me the same question over and over (What is his email address? What is his password? Lucky for him that I have a good memory). I told him that he was not acting right. I asked him if he was feeling okay and if he was having a problem with confusion. His response was silence. He would not or could not articulate what he was going through. I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER. No response. He just kept on trying to figure out his keyboard typing. He is very computer literate and never had any problems until today. I helped him get into his email account so he could read his messages.
And I have to say "I so understand!" Today was not good here. I went out to the garage to get something and noticed a huge pile of something that did not look good at all on a wood shelf that I use as sort of a workbench. I have drills and a grinder and a bin for screws on it. I called hubby to have him come take a look at it. He said, "oh, I spilled some battery acid there."
So, the battery acid was eating into the wood and was festering up. I was so upset. I got a paint scraper out and scraped as much as I could into the trash. That's when I saw the acid was eating the wood away. $100 shelves. I absolutely could not believe that he just left it there, didn't even try to clean it up. I put baking soda on it, made a paste, took the shelves apart, got the wood outside and hosed it down. Of course, I ran out of baking soda and had to run to the store for more. The acid had eaten almost half way through the shelf, but I think I got it all off the wood. I flipped the board over and put the shelves back together and then put everything back on the shelf.
I called my sister and vented. If I had a job, I would leave him today. It took me 2 hours out of what was already a really busy day to clean up a mess that he made. I know, I know - his back hurt. He would do it when he felt better. The problem is that he is never going to feel better and if I didn't clean it up - it would have eaten all the way through the board. So, no big deal - cut a new board! But why me. Why do I have to do it all? Why do I have to clean up all of his messes just because he doesn't feel up to it? I just wanted to scream.
And I know he doesn't feel good. But to just walk away and leave BATTERY ACID????? He could have told me when it happened. No, I'm sure he was in a sugar low or high and just not thinking. It happens so much. Most of the time I just ignore it. But battery acid????
I wonder what will be next? What will he forget? What will he get confused about? What will he overlook?
So Mary, I am right there with you. I understand completely. I don't know what we can do - other than keep an ever watchful eye, try to find the spills before they eat the wood up, try to stay one step ahead of everything, and try to NOT get worn out.
Tonight....I'm worn out!
Lynn wrote:
I am scared for you. It sounds like he is giving up and just doing whatever he wants to do, barring consequences...don't his doctors give him hope? Just wondering. Is the work too much? too much stress to work and take care of himself...just a thought...is there a way he can get disability? just another thought...what about depression meds...if he isn't on them would he consider it? these are just thoughts that have popped into my head as I feel concerned for my cyber sister...I am scared for you two. HUGS and LOVE.In a nutshell:
He won't quit work
He won't take depression meds
He won't go to counseling
His doctors are actually quite optimistic. He isn't.
He could qualify for disability.....but I sort of think work might be better for him at the moment. At least it gives him something to do and keeps his mind busy.
I'm pretty sure he's given up. I do my best to stay happy and optimistic around him (when I'm not seething mad about battery acid!) When I do get mad, I find a project to work on - today was cleaning in the basement. I have a goal. Get everything up out of the basement while I can still do stairs myself! It's a good goal. Forcing me to sort through things. Keeps me away from him!
I've been doing tons of research on depression, mood swings, impacts of various drugs. He has his moments when he still seems perfectly ok. But lately, we've been experiencing more and more forgetful moments. Missed appointments. Getting times and dates of appointments mixed up. Missing meetings. I try to keep a calendar and when I remind him of something - he actually argues that it's not on that date. Then when he misses it, he apologizes. We've had a huge increase in stuff like that going on. I try to remind him. But he can be pretty stubborn on most days!
I still try to find humor in it all. Some days it takes more effort than others. The good thing about the battery acid is that I got that shelf cleaned off! LOL!!! One more thing I can cross off my "to do" list. Maybe he should pour some battery acid on the window sills as I need to repaint most of them! :o)
DW
Friday, September 03, 2010
Today, I'm scared
We all have our moments. They come and they go. Today - I'm scared.
He is depressed. I know this is common for post open heart surgery. I know he needs counseling. He won't go. I can't help him.
He said all he wants to do for the next 5 days is sleep.
Part of this has to be because he is back eating all the crap he wants. Not exercising. Loading up on sweets.
With increased medical bills due to the surgery, back, all the specialists, office visits and prescriptions.....we have had to cut way back in other areas and this is contributing to his depression.
He is gaining weight and quite puffy looking. His eyes look especially swollen to me. I am noticing that sweet uric smell in our bedroom once again. He says he doesn't smell it, but I sure do. There was a TV series out here while back with a grim reeper.....and I feel like this smell is his grim reeper. It's almost a warning that kidney failure is around the corner once again.
It is so sad to see him in such a state. But I know I can't do anything except be here for him. I am doing my best to keep busy and active, fill my day with projects and outings. But in the background - he is overshadowing everything.
He went to bed at 1 pm, it's now 3 pm. He was supposed to be off work today, but got called into major meetings starting at 6 am this morning.
I'm scared that the infection in the venous ulcer in his ankle is spreading.
I'm scared that he is reverting back to kidney failure.
I'm scared that something else is going on with his heart and he is not getting sufficient oxygen to the brain. (He's acting much like he did before he had bypass surgery).
I'm just scared.
And I realize that it's ok to be scared. As long as I don't allow the fear to consume me. As long as I don't allow the emotions to overcome me to the point that I can't function. Or to stop living my own life.
Too hot to do yardwork, so I'm going to read a good book this afternoon. Have already had a visit from an art pal today and went to a warehouse sale.
But in between all that....I just wanted to note that I'm scared. And that I don't think he's doing well at all.
DW
He is depressed. I know this is common for post open heart surgery. I know he needs counseling. He won't go. I can't help him.
He said all he wants to do for the next 5 days is sleep.
Part of this has to be because he is back eating all the crap he wants. Not exercising. Loading up on sweets.
With increased medical bills due to the surgery, back, all the specialists, office visits and prescriptions.....we have had to cut way back in other areas and this is contributing to his depression.
He is gaining weight and quite puffy looking. His eyes look especially swollen to me. I am noticing that sweet uric smell in our bedroom once again. He says he doesn't smell it, but I sure do. There was a TV series out here while back with a grim reeper.....and I feel like this smell is his grim reeper. It's almost a warning that kidney failure is around the corner once again.
It is so sad to see him in such a state. But I know I can't do anything except be here for him. I am doing my best to keep busy and active, fill my day with projects and outings. But in the background - he is overshadowing everything.
He went to bed at 1 pm, it's now 3 pm. He was supposed to be off work today, but got called into major meetings starting at 6 am this morning.
I'm scared that the infection in the venous ulcer in his ankle is spreading.
I'm scared that he is reverting back to kidney failure.
I'm scared that something else is going on with his heart and he is not getting sufficient oxygen to the brain. (He's acting much like he did before he had bypass surgery).
I'm just scared.
And I realize that it's ok to be scared. As long as I don't allow the fear to consume me. As long as I don't allow the emotions to overcome me to the point that I can't function. Or to stop living my own life.
Too hot to do yardwork, so I'm going to read a good book this afternoon. Have already had a visit from an art pal today and went to a warehouse sale.
But in between all that....I just wanted to note that I'm scared. And that I don't think he's doing well at all.
DW
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
venous ulcer
As expected, it'snot healing. So his physician referred him to the wound care center last Wednesday. When he went to make the appointment, they told him they couldn't get him in until 9/14.
So for the next 2 weeks, we simply wait and hope that the infection doesn't spread. It is just amazing to me that our healthcare system is so completely stupid!
His back pain has increased. Probably because he is favoring his leg.
The neurosurgeon is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon who is supposed to schedule a consult appt by the end of this week.
We talked a little bit today about back surgery. 50% chance it won't help at all. Chance he might be paralyzed. I told him all we can do is see what the new surgeon has to say.
He is sleeping more and more. Always tired. I think the pain is wearing him out.
My sister surprised us with an overnight visit last night. Always fun!
He is taking 5 days off over Labor Day weekend and just wants to stay home.
The blessing in all this is that he can still work.
DW
So for the next 2 weeks, we simply wait and hope that the infection doesn't spread. It is just amazing to me that our healthcare system is so completely stupid!
His back pain has increased. Probably because he is favoring his leg.
The neurosurgeon is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon who is supposed to schedule a consult appt by the end of this week.
We talked a little bit today about back surgery. 50% chance it won't help at all. Chance he might be paralyzed. I told him all we can do is see what the new surgeon has to say.
He is sleeping more and more. Always tired. I think the pain is wearing him out.
My sister surprised us with an overnight visit last night. Always fun!
He is taking 5 days off over Labor Day weekend and just wants to stay home.
The blessing in all this is that he can still work.
DW
Monday, August 23, 2010
The dicotomy of being away
I love being alone
but I worry about him being alone
I don't have to do anything for him
but I worry about him having to do everything for himself
I can eat whatever I want
but I worry about what he's eating
I sleep so well
but wonder if he is sleeping at all
I don't have to see the ulcer on his leg
but I wonder if he is doing what he needs to do to take care of it
When I call him and he doesn't answer the phone
I wonder if he's in a sugar coma
the list could go on
if you are the wife of a diabetic, I think you know.
DW
but I worry about him being alone
I don't have to do anything for him
but I worry about him having to do everything for himself
I can eat whatever I want
but I worry about what he's eating
I sleep so well
but wonder if he is sleeping at all
I don't have to see the ulcer on his leg
but I wonder if he is doing what he needs to do to take care of it
When I call him and he doesn't answer the phone
I wonder if he's in a sugar coma
the list could go on
if you are the wife of a diabetic, I think you know.
DW
Friday, August 20, 2010
update on venus ulcer and more
Lilly wrote:
He has to be going high because he's still at 6.2 overall and having lows. But he's not testing any more. Probably hasn't tested in 2 months now.
I have escaped to my sisters (2 hours away) for 5 days. I have 2 sisters who live in the same town, so the 3 of us have a weekend planned of chick flicks, shopping and resting. It's the best therapy on earth. And I'm close enough that if I absolutely need to go home, I can, but far enough away to get a break.
Went with him to the doctor's yesterday and they took off the unna boot. Doc thinks there may be new cell growth, so they wrapped it back up and we wait another week. If there was new cells, then we should see major progress in another week. If it wasn't, then he will go to the wound care center. His leg was totally shriveled up from being wrapped so tight. I thought it looked even more infected, but the doctor thought it was new cell growth. So we wait another week.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
DW
I think between fighting that, the irritation of the unna boot, eating crap again, sugars going high and low, I needed to get away.
Just wondering: If he has been eating whatever he wants, his blood sugar is probably way too high at times. I know that my husband (Type 1, not Type 2) can get extremely verbally abusive at both extremes: too high, or too low, and I'm not always sure which it is, until he passes out (or just keeps ranting). Sadly, when he decides to sleep all day and I am at home, I enjoy the peace and quiet. And he wonders why I don't try to wake him! I am also avoiding being in the same room with him more and more, to keep from being yelled at or criticized for senseless things. (He also tells me he's not yelling; I'm yelling at him!) Simply being on survival mode is NOT the way I want things to be all the time, but this is my reality right now. I don't want to leave a chronically ill husband, but some days . . . !
He has to be going high because he's still at 6.2 overall and having lows. But he's not testing any more. Probably hasn't tested in 2 months now.
I have escaped to my sisters (2 hours away) for 5 days. I have 2 sisters who live in the same town, so the 3 of us have a weekend planned of chick flicks, shopping and resting. It's the best therapy on earth. And I'm close enough that if I absolutely need to go home, I can, but far enough away to get a break.
Went with him to the doctor's yesterday and they took off the unna boot. Doc thinks there may be new cell growth, so they wrapped it back up and we wait another week. If there was new cells, then we should see major progress in another week. If it wasn't, then he will go to the wound care center. His leg was totally shriveled up from being wrapped so tight. I thought it looked even more infected, but the doctor thought it was new cell growth. So we wait another week.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
DW
I think between fighting that, the irritation of the unna boot, eating crap again, sugars going high and low, I needed to get away.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
So today, he couldn't.....
plug in an extension cord on one side of the garage and run it to the other. Literally! He waited until I got home from the store, then started yellng at me because I had moved something in the garage. The GFI popped 3 times and he had to go to the basement each time to reset it. I asked him why he didn't run an extension cord from another outlet and he just started screaming at me. I said, "you don't need to get mad and yell!" to which he replied that I was yelling at him....and I hadn't even raised my voice - just asked a question.
So as he stormed into the house and slammed the door, I said, "oh, go eat some sugar!" LOL! No, I don't think he heard me. But I'm sure he's in a low. Just a quick post as I'm out the door to go run some more errands. I am NOT going to sit in this house with him in this mood. I don't need it and I don't deserve it.
Guess I should also note that the incision in his ankle where they took the vein out has now turned into a venous ulcer. I had been telling him that he needed to go to the doctor and he refused. Finally this week, when it started oozing, he made an appointment. They put an unna boot on it - for 2 weeks. If it doesn't improve, then he has to go to the wound care center. You know, he doesn't even consider stuff like what might happen if the infection goes to his bone. He just ignores it until he can't. So I'm sure he's upset about that as well. He is supposed to elevate his leg 4 times a day for 30 minutes each....and if he had been doing this since surgery....well, ok....
I'm off to run errands and simply escape from his wrath for a little bit today!
DW
So as he stormed into the house and slammed the door, I said, "oh, go eat some sugar!" LOL! No, I don't think he heard me. But I'm sure he's in a low. Just a quick post as I'm out the door to go run some more errands. I am NOT going to sit in this house with him in this mood. I don't need it and I don't deserve it.
Guess I should also note that the incision in his ankle where they took the vein out has now turned into a venous ulcer. I had been telling him that he needed to go to the doctor and he refused. Finally this week, when it started oozing, he made an appointment. They put an unna boot on it - for 2 weeks. If it doesn't improve, then he has to go to the wound care center. You know, he doesn't even consider stuff like what might happen if the infection goes to his bone. He just ignores it until he can't. So I'm sure he's upset about that as well. He is supposed to elevate his leg 4 times a day for 30 minutes each....and if he had been doing this since surgery....well, ok....
I'm off to run errands and simply escape from his wrath for a little bit today!
DW
Monday, August 09, 2010
the job hunt
I think I need to go back to work. Not for the money. But to get out of the house every single day. To get away from his constant depression. To associate with something outside of the realm of diabetes.
Sad.
But I have decided this is what I need to do.
So I applied for my first job today.
My goal is to apply for one job a day, 5 days a week.
Do I care what I do?
Not really.
As long as it is "doing" something!
He is very non-communicative again today.
I want to go back to vacationland and escape this!
Maybe I will start sleeping days and be awake all night.
Just so we don't run into each other! LOL!
Broke a tooth off last week and have to go to the dentist next.
Hope all the DWs out there have a peaceful day!
Sad.
But I have decided this is what I need to do.
So I applied for my first job today.
My goal is to apply for one job a day, 5 days a week.
Do I care what I do?
Not really.
As long as it is "doing" something!
He is very non-communicative again today.
I want to go back to vacationland and escape this!
Maybe I will start sleeping days and be awake all night.
Just so we don't run into each other! LOL!
Broke a tooth off last week and have to go to the dentist next.
Hope all the DWs out there have a peaceful day!
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Did it work?
Yes and no! The pain on one side of his back/hip is better. The pain on the other side is much worse. After 3 weeks - it just doesn't seem to have helped him that much. I had a mini weekend getaway with another artist pal and came home to an utter bear of a guy. Ugh! I mean every little word is a pain to him. He's completely and totally intolerable. I'm just positive he ate whatever he wanted while I was gone and now it's back to veggi burgers, no potato chips, no chocolate....and he's just plain mad at me!
He said my brother was here and they went out to eat and a local sports bar where they serve nothing but deep fried comfort food! Just what both guys needed. ha ha!
But you know what, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. He is in miserable pain because he STILL refuses to take care of himself.
He had the TV on this evening so loud it was shaking the house. I asked him to turn it down just a notch. You can't begin to imagine how angry he got with me. He finally put on his headsets. Now, I assume this means he is going deaf and will just yell at me even more because he can't hear what I'm saying.
I did have a wonderful weekend away and am so appreciative of my friends who keep me sane!
DW
He said my brother was here and they went out to eat and a local sports bar where they serve nothing but deep fried comfort food! Just what both guys needed. ha ha!
But you know what, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. He is in miserable pain because he STILL refuses to take care of himself.
He had the TV on this evening so loud it was shaking the house. I asked him to turn it down just a notch. You can't begin to imagine how angry he got with me. He finally put on his headsets. Now, I assume this means he is going deaf and will just yell at me even more because he can't hear what I'm saying.
I did have a wonderful weekend away and am so appreciative of my friends who keep me sane!
DW
Thursday, July 15, 2010
FINALLY!!!
This afternoon, he gets his first cortisone injection in his back! Took them long enough, huh? But we are both excited and hoping that he has a peaceful weekend. I'm just not sure I'll know what to do with a guy that's not in pain! LOL!
His heart seems to be working just great. Diabetes is as under control as it has ever been. Glucose is still too high. He's back to eating whatever he wants - out of control, so I'm going to try to reign that in this weekend with a round of grilled seafood and healthy cooking. Now, if I can just get him to cooperate!
Will try to post the results of the injection as soon as we know. Just praying that he at least gets 24 hours of relief. A couple months would be wonderful!
DW
His heart seems to be working just great. Diabetes is as under control as it has ever been. Glucose is still too high. He's back to eating whatever he wants - out of control, so I'm going to try to reign that in this weekend with a round of grilled seafood and healthy cooking. Now, if I can just get him to cooperate!
Will try to post the results of the injection as soon as we know. Just praying that he at least gets 24 hours of relief. A couple months would be wonderful!
DW
Friday, June 25, 2010
Pain
How much pain can one person take? Poor hubby. I worry about him day and night. He simply can't do the physical therapy they want him to do for his back. He is in somuch pain that he vomits. How sad is that?
And yes, that much pain has an impact on his glucose levels. Even with as many lows as he had after his heart surgery, his A1c is still at 6.9. Sigh. That means that for all those lows....it's going really high at other times. Sigh.
But pain management is the number one priority at the moment. He is not functioning at all. Sleeping way too much. Probably not eating enough. Not eating in a timely manner. Not sleeping because of the pain.
I want to cry for him, but I know it won't do any good. His daughter was here for father's day last weekend, and he really couldn't enjoy her company because he was in so much pain.
When will it end? Well, we are hoping they will try cortisone injections about mid July. But that's almost another month of waiting. Of intense pain. Of being sick to the stomach.
I can tell that the pain is wearing him thin. He doesn't have any humor left. He has no patience. He is getting more and more depressed.
How much pain can he take? I simply hope he can last another month.
DW
And yes, that much pain has an impact on his glucose levels. Even with as many lows as he had after his heart surgery, his A1c is still at 6.9. Sigh. That means that for all those lows....it's going really high at other times. Sigh.
But pain management is the number one priority at the moment. He is not functioning at all. Sleeping way too much. Probably not eating enough. Not eating in a timely manner. Not sleeping because of the pain.
I want to cry for him, but I know it won't do any good. His daughter was here for father's day last weekend, and he really couldn't enjoy her company because he was in so much pain.
When will it end? Well, we are hoping they will try cortisone injections about mid July. But that's almost another month of waiting. Of intense pain. Of being sick to the stomach.
I can tell that the pain is wearing him thin. He doesn't have any humor left. He has no patience. He is getting more and more depressed.
How much pain can he take? I simply hope he can last another month.
DW
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Maintaining
Lab results came back the same, so that is good. While labs aren't "good" by normal standards, it is good that they haven't changed/gotten worse. He is attempting to do the physical therapy for his back, but the exercises are so painful, he gets nauseated. Then he doesn't eat. Then his glucose drops. I'm not sure it's worth doing them over. He contacted the neurosurgeon's office and they told him to keep doing them, regardless of the pain. So rather than every day, was do them together, then wait 2 days and do them again. Takes that long for the pain to subside.
So, with all this pain, he is getting rather depressed and cranky. He's less and less interested in doing anything. Wants to eat what he wants. And I feel so sorry for him because I know if I were in so much pain I got sick to my stomach - I'd give up on everything else.
But beyond that, we are maintaining. It seems like we are growing closer to each other through all this. He seems to (for the first time) be caring about what my emotions and needs are. I think we both have agreed that we don't know what to do about his back and the pain.
His daughter came down for Father's Day weekend and he is enjoying her company. Good diversion for him.
DW
So, with all this pain, he is getting rather depressed and cranky. He's less and less interested in doing anything. Wants to eat what he wants. And I feel so sorry for him because I know if I were in so much pain I got sick to my stomach - I'd give up on everything else.
But beyond that, we are maintaining. It seems like we are growing closer to each other through all this. He seems to (for the first time) be caring about what my emotions and needs are. I think we both have agreed that we don't know what to do about his back and the pain.
His daughter came down for Father's Day weekend and he is enjoying her company. Good diversion for him.
DW
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Is life good, or am I just numb?
LOL! I think I'm just numb. But I do get tired of posting the same thing over and over. His heart is mending. He is not exercising. He's quit testing his sugar 8 times a day. He's back to eating the same old crap.
And I'm back to being numb about it all. I just don't care. Surgery drained me. I need more time to recover. My therapy - gardening. I hate it....but it's something to occupy my time and since it's summer - it's good. Plus, it gets me out of the house 3 hours a day and away from all this.
Just tired of it
He has done the PT for his back 1 time in the last 2 weeks and says it causes him too much pain to do it. But he won't call the doctor and tell him that the PT is increasing his back pain.
Yet as long as he doesn't yell at me over stupid stuff, as long as I don't see the result of sugar lows....I'm good. I can live like this I know, I know - he could drop dead any second...but then we all can. I wish he would change. I pray every day that he will change. But he hasn't and he won't. Not even a triple bypass with a TMR woke this guy up for good....just for a few weeks.
Life goes on and overall, it's all good at the moment.
DW
And I'm back to being numb about it all. I just don't care. Surgery drained me. I need more time to recover. My therapy - gardening. I hate it....but it's something to occupy my time and since it's summer - it's good. Plus, it gets me out of the house 3 hours a day and away from all this.
Just tired of it
He has done the PT for his back 1 time in the last 2 weeks and says it causes him too much pain to do it. But he won't call the doctor and tell him that the PT is increasing his back pain.
Yet as long as he doesn't yell at me over stupid stuff, as long as I don't see the result of sugar lows....I'm good. I can live like this I know, I know - he could drop dead any second...but then we all can. I wish he would change. I pray every day that he will change. But he hasn't and he won't. Not even a triple bypass with a TMR woke this guy up for good....just for a few weeks.
Life goes on and overall, it's all good at the moment.
DW
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Baby steps
Lynn wrote:
I know what you are saying....but in all of that, I got "car accidentin April" and immediately wondered if you hubby was behind the wheel? I rarely let mine drive if I'm in the car. Anyone who has sugar lows as often as he does has no business driving. Judgment is clouded during a hypo. Decisions/reactions are not as quick as they should be. Mental confusion prevails. And since you just don't know when a low is going to hit and he can't seem to forecast them these days, it scares the crap out of me to let him even think about driving.
Interestingly enough, I think he is a little afraid himself. He doesn't seem to have much of a problem with me doing all the driving. Now, part of that could be due to his back pain, but I just think he's more comfortable with me driving.
PT on his back starts Tuesday. We've had a hectic couple of weeks and today we are getting back on our serious nutrition plan. Yes, I know, if we stopped eating chocolate, we could drop that 50 pounds. So here's what is proving to be successful for us. Together, we are down 50 pounds right now. And maintaining. We simply count sodium. Under 2000 mg per day. It is nearly impossible to do. You can't eat out and keep that goal. You can't eat any processed foods. It's mostly fresh fruit and veggies. And it's amazing how good I feel - just keeping my sodium at that level. Granted, we go over a lot. And we do keep an eye on calories, carbs, fat, sugar, etc. But if you keep the sodium down, everything else will stay down.
As hubby says, it doesn't matter how bad we are right now....it's still so much better than before his surgery. I've lost 20 pounds and would like to take another 20 off. But I will confess, it is really hard to keep that sodium under 2000 mg per day! Extremely bland diet.
And, we have kicked up the exercise. Age is working hard against us, as is arthritis. But again, it doesn't matter how "bad" we are at exercise - we are still way ahead of where we were!
I keep thinking baby steps. We just do a little every day- it's more than what we were doing.
DW
This is incredible...I MUST be Hellen Keller because I even took a swig of what I thought was a can of soda but it was a spit bottle and almost threw up so I tolerate a lot...but then again, I do get the addiction thingie as well, since I am a sugar addict when I get started...can pound a half bag of Tootsie Rolls and have, a pound of chocolate a day, and have...but when I grew a stone the size of a mini football in my kidney and had to have it lithotripsied it was my wake up call...I don't know...hubby and I joke about "don't judge me" and I hope he quits again, but he took it up after we had a car accident in April and he suffered a subdural hematoma and has been chewing again since. When I shared the info. I expected him to quit right then, but he was already off the Diet soda and trying to make other dietary changes/habits so he said, I will when I am ready...but I do get it because I would drop the 50 pounds I need to drop already if I really worked at it...oh, frustrating as hell because YES, love is blind. But I would rather have the love than not.
Speaking of love...I LOVE that I have met you and the other wife of a diabetic 2. HUGS
I know what you are saying....but in all of that, I got "car accidentin April" and immediately wondered if you hubby was behind the wheel? I rarely let mine drive if I'm in the car. Anyone who has sugar lows as often as he does has no business driving. Judgment is clouded during a hypo. Decisions/reactions are not as quick as they should be. Mental confusion prevails. And since you just don't know when a low is going to hit and he can't seem to forecast them these days, it scares the crap out of me to let him even think about driving.
Interestingly enough, I think he is a little afraid himself. He doesn't seem to have much of a problem with me doing all the driving. Now, part of that could be due to his back pain, but I just think he's more comfortable with me driving.
PT on his back starts Tuesday. We've had a hectic couple of weeks and today we are getting back on our serious nutrition plan. Yes, I know, if we stopped eating chocolate, we could drop that 50 pounds. So here's what is proving to be successful for us. Together, we are down 50 pounds right now. And maintaining. We simply count sodium. Under 2000 mg per day. It is nearly impossible to do. You can't eat out and keep that goal. You can't eat any processed foods. It's mostly fresh fruit and veggies. And it's amazing how good I feel - just keeping my sodium at that level. Granted, we go over a lot. And we do keep an eye on calories, carbs, fat, sugar, etc. But if you keep the sodium down, everything else will stay down.
As hubby says, it doesn't matter how bad we are right now....it's still so much better than before his surgery. I've lost 20 pounds and would like to take another 20 off. But I will confess, it is really hard to keep that sodium under 2000 mg per day! Extremely bland diet.
And, we have kicked up the exercise. Age is working hard against us, as is arthritis. But again, it doesn't matter how "bad" we are at exercise - we are still way ahead of where we were!
I keep thinking baby steps. We just do a little every day- it's more than what we were doing.
DW
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Smoking with diabetes
Lynn wrote:
Which got me to thinking. Hubby always so proudly tells his doctors that he has never smoked. Never picked up a cigarette in his life. I just cringe when he says that. I just think he is so incredibly stupid....and so are his doctors.
I have come to learn that you have to ask very specific questions, very detailed questions - you have to think like his brain and ok - that's impossible to do!
When you ask him if he has ever smoked, he assumes you mean cigarettes. And he always answers "I have never smoked a cigarette in my life".
But what they do not ask him is, "have you ever smoked a joint? Have you ever smoked marijuana? Have you ever eaten marijuana in a brownie or other food?"
I just wonder if he would tell the truth then.
He thinks marijuana is medicinal. Now, quite honestly, he hasn't smoked any in about the last 9 months. But before that, every weekend, and before that....all the time, whenever he had any pain at all.
I know the impact it has on his diabetes. He denies it all.
How can the doctors possibly help him when he refuses to be honest with them? You would think slashing him open, ripping his ribcage apart, hooking him up to a heart/lung machine.....that he would get the hint?
Not this guy! He still answers the question that he has never smoked in his life.
And ya wonder why I get stressed? LOLOL!
As for chewing - I would leave him for certain! Dated a guy about 35 years ago who would spit the chew in the back yard and I stepped in it once - barefoot! That ended that relationship! Funny how when I was so young, I wouldn't put up with anything like that.....and now I tolerate so much. It really is true that love is blind.
DW
I googled "living with a diabetic" and ultimately I came to your blog. I am so glad I did. I too have lived with my hubby for 38 years, and much of it has been since he was diagnosed as being diabetic and I didn't realize how much of a stress it has put on me being married to his condition. I am looking for support and think I have found it here...We love them, we are trying to help them, but we are human and need another person with our situation to vent, share, and understand with.
Thank you for this blog. HUGS
and then another comment:
Hubby chews tobacco and until the other day I didn't realize that nicotine messes with insulin...I googled the information and sat down with him to share it...he is hooked, has been for years, has quit a few times but goes back to it...has always been asked if he smokes and he truthfully says he does not but I didn't realize it wasn't the act of smoking they were getting at but the nicotine...I have been nagging and he seems to take it okay, but he keeps pointing out that he will quit again when he is ready to...frustrating as hell to see him dip into the can of chew when now I know it isn't helping him at all...denial is a #@$#!@$#~
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps.
Which got me to thinking. Hubby always so proudly tells his doctors that he has never smoked. Never picked up a cigarette in his life. I just cringe when he says that. I just think he is so incredibly stupid....and so are his doctors.
I have come to learn that you have to ask very specific questions, very detailed questions - you have to think like his brain and ok - that's impossible to do!
When you ask him if he has ever smoked, he assumes you mean cigarettes. And he always answers "I have never smoked a cigarette in my life".
But what they do not ask him is, "have you ever smoked a joint? Have you ever smoked marijuana? Have you ever eaten marijuana in a brownie or other food?"
I just wonder if he would tell the truth then.
He thinks marijuana is medicinal. Now, quite honestly, he hasn't smoked any in about the last 9 months. But before that, every weekend, and before that....all the time, whenever he had any pain at all.
I know the impact it has on his diabetes. He denies it all.
How can the doctors possibly help him when he refuses to be honest with them? You would think slashing him open, ripping his ribcage apart, hooking him up to a heart/lung machine.....that he would get the hint?
Not this guy! He still answers the question that he has never smoked in his life.
And ya wonder why I get stressed? LOLOL!
As for chewing - I would leave him for certain! Dated a guy about 35 years ago who would spit the chew in the back yard and I stepped in it once - barefoot! That ended that relationship! Funny how when I was so young, I wouldn't put up with anything like that.....and now I tolerate so much. It really is true that love is blind.
DW
Thursday, May 27, 2010
and the journey continues
He will start physical therapy on his back in 2 weeks. Well, that's the consult visit with that department. He meets with them and they tell him what's next. He was pretty upset last night talking about it. Said he had spend $300 on co-pays for PT for his heart just to go walk on a treadmill and ride a bike. And I said, "but you aren't doing it now....and you did it there."
I'm not sure he got my point. He has not walked in the week and a half since cardiac PT released him. Do I treat him like a child and remind him every day that he needs to go walk? When I do mention it, he says, "I know" and that's it. I can't physically make him do it. It's just so frustrating to stand by and watch him slowy revert back to his old ways. I think I was a little over-optimistic that he would figure this out and change. Now, I'm not so sure.
And he refused to test himself last night, but I'm sure he had a low. We hav a basket to put fish in on the grill and he couldn't get it to open. I didn't think much of that, but then he couldn't get a sealed package of fish to open using a pair of scissors. I knew he was low when that happened. He started yelling at me and I simply left the room.
I can't help him. I can't save him. Just so sad.
DW
I'm not sure he got my point. He has not walked in the week and a half since cardiac PT released him. Do I treat him like a child and remind him every day that he needs to go walk? When I do mention it, he says, "I know" and that's it. I can't physically make him do it. It's just so frustrating to stand by and watch him slowy revert back to his old ways. I think I was a little over-optimistic that he would figure this out and change. Now, I'm not so sure.
And he refused to test himself last night, but I'm sure he had a low. We hav a basket to put fish in on the grill and he couldn't get it to open. I didn't think much of that, but then he couldn't get a sealed package of fish to open using a pair of scissors. I knew he was low when that happened. He started yelling at me and I simply left the room.
I can't help him. I can't save him. Just so sad.
DW
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Getting my life back
Today, I taught an art class. We made dichroic glass pendants. One of my favorite things to do. It's the first class I've been able to schedule/teach this year. And it feels wonderful!
Hubby celebrated by going to a local bakery and buying a chocolate carmel cake for the students. Of course, they loved him to pieces! And he didn't eat any at all. So I thought that was huge progess. He can have sweets in the house, and won't eat them. Yeah for him!!!
While his back is still causing him incredible pain, we are both trying hard to get back into the routine of life. Yet that routine has been altered. Daily walks, eating healthy, treadmill and recumbant bike, exercises, healthy snacks. I think we are past fighting it all and have accepted it as a way of life. He is still testing numerous times a day, taking his insulin on a very strict schedule, eating snacks when he starts to go low....and it has made a huge difference in everything else in life.
And while we both know that this could end any time because his kidney function is so low and dialysis is looming just around the corner, I think both of us are enjoying this phase.
Art is a release for me. A place that I can escape to, play, have fun, create something, share what I know with someone else, teach them how to do something that they love. I have really missed it this year and am so happy to be back. It's been a really great day.
May you each have a great day. We all need them every once in awhile - just to remind us what life is really like!
DW
Hubby celebrated by going to a local bakery and buying a chocolate carmel cake for the students. Of course, they loved him to pieces! And he didn't eat any at all. So I thought that was huge progess. He can have sweets in the house, and won't eat them. Yeah for him!!!
While his back is still causing him incredible pain, we are both trying hard to get back into the routine of life. Yet that routine has been altered. Daily walks, eating healthy, treadmill and recumbant bike, exercises, healthy snacks. I think we are past fighting it all and have accepted it as a way of life. He is still testing numerous times a day, taking his insulin on a very strict schedule, eating snacks when he starts to go low....and it has made a huge difference in everything else in life.
And while we both know that this could end any time because his kidney function is so low and dialysis is looming just around the corner, I think both of us are enjoying this phase.
Art is a release for me. A place that I can escape to, play, have fun, create something, share what I know with someone else, teach them how to do something that they love. I have really missed it this year and am so happy to be back. It's been a really great day.
May you each have a great day. We all need them every once in awhile - just to remind us what life is really like!
DW
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Catching up
I know - been awhile! So, post cardiac physical therapy is completed and he has a call in to neurology so he can start PT for his back. While I feel pretty certain that his heart is back in gear, it's really hard to tell because of the back pain. He is walking every other day, and really trying hard to eat right. But the pain overwhelms him most days. He's so grumpy. And yes, I know, if I were in that much pain, I'd be just a completly miserable person all the time - just like he is. But I think he tends to forget that I'm here. That I have needs. That this is a partnership. Not just a one-sided story.
But then, because of his pain, how can he even consider me?
So I try to understand, be patient, carve out a life of my own. It's sad. It's hard. It's lonely.
He is sill under a weight lifting restriction and it is taking it's toll on me. But I am resting when I need to, sitting on the heating pad, eating healthy and doing all the things I need to do to take care of me.
Mostly, I wake up, and take each day just one step at a time. I don't think much about the future or the past. I just try to do what needs to be done to get through today. And I make lists. That eventually get thrown away because I realize they will never get done, and that's ok.
Finding pleasure in little things has become important. But I feel like I'm old before my time. There is so much we have changed this year and so much we still continue to change. So much activity that we have had to give up. And I sit here and know that the only reason we give it up is because of his health. Sort of sad the things you do in the name of love.
Trying to find joy in the things you can still do is often times quite hard. Especially when that list has dwindled down to so few things. Limitations - not a word I have ever accepted. But when he says "no" - then it's either go it alone, or give it up. And some things are just no fun when done alone!
Aside from that, life is ok. He is here. He is functioning. We went out the other night and a man wheeled his wife in. She was younger than me and had had an obvious stroke. Was paralized for the most part. He sat there and fed her and talked to her and laughed with her. It was interesting to watch them. Made me so grateful that hubby is where he is.
That's the lesson in life I'm learning over and over every single day. That there is always someone else much worse off than we are and we just need to be grateful for what we have left - even if it isn't what we had yesterday.
DW
But then, because of his pain, how can he even consider me?
So I try to understand, be patient, carve out a life of my own. It's sad. It's hard. It's lonely.
He is sill under a weight lifting restriction and it is taking it's toll on me. But I am resting when I need to, sitting on the heating pad, eating healthy and doing all the things I need to do to take care of me.
Mostly, I wake up, and take each day just one step at a time. I don't think much about the future or the past. I just try to do what needs to be done to get through today. And I make lists. That eventually get thrown away because I realize they will never get done, and that's ok.
Finding pleasure in little things has become important. But I feel like I'm old before my time. There is so much we have changed this year and so much we still continue to change. So much activity that we have had to give up. And I sit here and know that the only reason we give it up is because of his health. Sort of sad the things you do in the name of love.
Trying to find joy in the things you can still do is often times quite hard. Especially when that list has dwindled down to so few things. Limitations - not a word I have ever accepted. But when he says "no" - then it's either go it alone, or give it up. And some things are just no fun when done alone!
Aside from that, life is ok. He is here. He is functioning. We went out the other night and a man wheeled his wife in. She was younger than me and had had an obvious stroke. Was paralized for the most part. He sat there and fed her and talked to her and laughed with her. It was interesting to watch them. Made me so grateful that hubby is where he is.
That's the lesson in life I'm learning over and over every single day. That there is always someone else much worse off than we are and we just need to be grateful for what we have left - even if it isn't what we had yesterday.
DW
Friday, May 07, 2010
Cardiologists visit
So, 8 weeks post op and in to see the cardiologist today. She is pleased. In 4 more weeks, he can do anything - meaning that we start the process of getting his back fixed.
She agreed that she is going to see him in 6 months, then once every year. I loved her for that! She said sometimes they release you for 5 years, but because he has diabetes - once a year.
She still thinks that he has had a heart attack at some time in the past. At the bottom of his heart - a place that doesn't show up on an echocardiogram. I think I agree based on the fact that the surgeon said there was no blood flowing to that part of the heart and very few healthy veins down there.
I feel like thisis my alert, my wake up call - that while he is better, he is not out of the woods and will never be out of the woods. Amazing how intricate the heart is. Even more amazing is what they can do these days to help it work longer.
DW
She agreed that she is going to see him in 6 months, then once every year. I loved her for that! She said sometimes they release you for 5 years, but because he has diabetes - once a year.
She still thinks that he has had a heart attack at some time in the past. At the bottom of his heart - a place that doesn't show up on an echocardiogram. I think I agree based on the fact that the surgeon said there was no blood flowing to that part of the heart and very few healthy veins down there.
I feel like thisis my alert, my wake up call - that while he is better, he is not out of the woods and will never be out of the woods. Amazing how intricate the heart is. Even more amazing is what they can do these days to help it work longer.
DW
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Physical Therapy post vacation
We had a pretty good trip after getting off to a rugged start. His meds arrived the next day. He walked every morning. Did pretty good with eating the right foods. Did some exercises with hand weights. Tested and kept is sugars pretty even. No lows as he was able to divert them each time. Our host were so gracious and grilled fish of some type most nights. When we ate out, he had salads most meals. So it was a great trip. We even got some rest in.
Came home and he started back iin physical therapy yesterday I don't know if it's because he switched back to a treadmill rather than walking on the ground, or if it was being away from the recumbant bike for a week, but he did something to his back. He could hardly move last night. The pain was so intense I really thought he was going to cry and he has a very very high threshold for pain as it is. He was taking narcotics and they didn't even phase him.
Today has been a little better. So hopefully whatever happened will start to heal.
When he's in that much pain - I want to cry myself. It just brings life to a screeching halt. No one gets any sleep. He was up til 1 am, up at 3, at 4, and at 6 am. So we are both exhausted today, of course.
Other than that, everything seems to be good. Almost too good. We have a f/u visit with the cardiologist tomorrow and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's a good visit as well,
DW
Came home and he started back iin physical therapy yesterday I don't know if it's because he switched back to a treadmill rather than walking on the ground, or if it was being away from the recumbant bike for a week, but he did something to his back. He could hardly move last night. The pain was so intense I really thought he was going to cry and he has a very very high threshold for pain as it is. He was taking narcotics and they didn't even phase him.
Today has been a little better. So hopefully whatever happened will start to heal.
When he's in that much pain - I want to cry myself. It just brings life to a screeching halt. No one gets any sleep. He was up til 1 am, up at 3, at 4, and at 6 am. So we are both exhausted today, of course.
Other than that, everything seems to be good. Almost too good. We have a f/u visit with the cardiologist tomorrow and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's a good visit as well,
DW
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