Balance

Neil wrote:

I just wanted to reply to your message. When I reference the Us, I am meaning the diabetic has no right to be selfish about his life by refusing to do what is needed. Therefore, I consider any married diabetic male who will not take the steps to be healthy as unethical and irresponsible. Years ago, I decided I had a responsibility to my family, my friends and to this nation to keep fit. If I have to spend huge sums on medical care we all pay because my extra medical costs means higheer insurance rates for everyone. I have not been to a doctor in over a year, and as long as he keeps authorizing my insulin, I have no reason to give my doctor my wallet, cost my insurance company and drive up insurance premiums. My wife has a right to be married to a man who is physically fit, well conditioned from exercise, bright, energetic and goal directed. If I do not take care of myself, that is equal to having an affair, not an affair with another woman, but an affair with nothing but selfishness, and that type of selfishness is rooted a very irresponsible behavior.

Well said! I'll bet a lot of us wish our spouses thought like you!

My hubby goes to see his doctor at least twice a month and sometimes it is twice a week. Just depends on what is going on with him.

On the other hand, I haven't been in 2 years. So I figure we sort of balance out the system. LOL!

But I agree, way too many people (not just diabetics) abuse the medical system by not doing everything they can to keep themselves healthy.

I even send out emails to my friends and tell them if they have a runny nose - please stay home! I cannot take the flu shot due to a prevalance of Guillane Barre syndrome in my family. And I sure don't want to get the flu!

We are having a pretty good week around here. Way too much company with more arriving tomorrow night! I'm hoping next week to have a few days of downtime, and then I have 3 weeks of non-stop houseguests!!!

DW

Neil wrote:

In reality, the nerve damage can be mostly reversed through exercise and using short acting insulin like lispro. I know -- did. Many years ago I was in so much pain that I screamed myself to sleep and begged family members to just shoot me. I got better and brought three children into the world, which proves that sexuality can be returned with insulin. My blood sugar was once over 1000

and later he wrote:

The diabetic can restore his health as I did. If you want my story how I went from wheelchair bound and impotent to perfect health...

Good for you, but I'll guarantee it won't reverse itself in a man who has had diabetes for 33 years and is over age 55. He is way past exercise...and a few other things. I do believe he could stop the progression....but he's simply not willing to do anything towards that end. At best, he will take the pills his doctors prescribe. He eats everything and anything that he wants - including eating out at least once every day, sometimes all 3 meals. He will not exercise and most days he won't even walk to the mailbox.

DW, can you provide me a little advice? I notice that you insert other people's responses into your blog rather than straight posting their responses.

I haven't figured out how to do that without re-typing them. do you have a suggestion? I guess I'm not very PC-smart. tom's wife

I simply highlight, copy and paste. Don't retype a thing! :o)

Oh! the driving thing! One of these days I'll write about that. In the meantime...

5 or 10 years? will he even be alive? between the sugar lows and highs and the crazy driving habits, this is where one really does need to believe in a supreme power. because Tom really tests the limit of "luck" every day.

and contemplating divorce? hah! every day? sometimes hourly! but how do you leave someone who is going to die anyway? That was a little sarcasm, but you get my drift....

I have a few rules. If his mother moves in here - I will leave, no matter how bad he is. Has absolutely nothing to do with his diabetes.....just everything to do with my survival! LOL!!!

If he goes on dialysis and does not take care of himself (keep the incision clean, tubes, etc) or if he expects me to drive him to treatments, I will leave him. That's been my "deal" for years. If he is not going to take care of himself now....I won't be taking care of him then. One has to have "rules" in order to survive both mentally and physically. Will he be alive in 10 years? Probably - because they just keep pumping more drugs into him. :o)

I've been gone the past couple of days visiting family. Came home and it looked like he had not left the sofa. House was a complete mess.....and he wonders why I get upset??? He didn't even take the trash out. Sigh!

DW

A good comment:

I am so glad that you have addressed the driving problem. My diabetic husband is a crazy driver; so much that I am afraid to ride in the car with him. I pray that he doesn't kill us both someday by his recklessness when he gets behind the car.

It is true, that I can never tell if he is at a high or low. He will seem fine when we start off doing errands but as the day goes by his driving gets worse and worse. I have noticed that his driving is worse after he eats lunch. He will not let me drive most of the time and we end up in an argument and I end up staying at home.

At first I thought he was exhibiting passive aggressive behavior toward me by putting me in harms way when he was driving, but I have come to realize that it is the diabetes that makes him see things differently than actual reality.

My dh is in his mid 40's. I cannot imagine what our life will be like in 5 to 10 more years. I am contemplating divorce just to get away from the craziness.

well, you are not alone as I often wonder what my life will be like in 5 to 10 more years and I think I contemplate divorce every single day. But a couple of things I have witnessed with the driving. He used to do all the driving - but not any more. His feet hurt too bad. Or his kidneys/back hurt too bad. So perhaps in 5 years you will be doing all of the driving. :o)

I liked your comment about exhibiting passive agressive behavior.....I used to think my hubby just wanted me dead the way he drove. Then I went through a phase of screaming my head off when he did something crazy behind the wheel. Then I went through a period of refusing to get into the car with him. I think that's when he started thinking about it. He was so mad at first....but I told him I just wasn't going to ride with him when he drove like an agressive crazy man!

Once.....we were somewhere in the middle of a desert and he was doing 125mph. I screamed at him to pull over. I got out. I refused to ride with him. He took off. I just started walking. He came back. But I tell you - I was willing to walk as far as it took before someone picked me up rather than ride at that speed with him behind the wheel!!!

He hasn't driven that fast since.

And to Tom's Wife - HUGE congratulations for starting your own blog!!! You can see it HERE.

how not to get your comment posted here

If you send me a comment and it has a link in it to a website that is trying to sell something...I probably won't post your comment or make a link to it.

I do, however, check them out and if I think it's something valid - I will be happy to share it.

For the most part - I reject this type of comments. Just os you know.

We had a really good couple of days around here. After last weekends melt-down, I think we both deserve some peace and quiet! I've been hosting a guest instructor in my art studio this week. Last night, hubby came down to the basement to say "hi" to all the "girls". I noticed that he could barely walk on the hard concrete floor Poor guy. I think he wants to be involved but just can't physically get himself around. Most of the rest of our house has nice soft carpeting. I just wonder how much longer before he is going to need a wheelchair.

DW - enjoying the calm

No matter how alone you think you are - you aren't

Anonymous wrote:

I just recently came across your blog. Some of your entries could have been written by me, WORD FOR WORD. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

I really wish more wives would blog. When I started this I honestly thought I was all alone. But I have learned that I'm not alone at all in this. While our experiences are all different - there is a common thread in dealing with diabetics who have lows and highs. There is the angst of their memory lapses, dealing with the cruel and cutting words, yet continuing to stay, continuing to love them.

So no matter how alone any of us might think we are at the moment it happens....know that none of us are every really alone.

Now, that being said - it's not just diabetes.....it can be anything that causes grief and pain. I have a good friend here who has a 21 year old son who is threatening suicide. He is in counseling. She left on vacation. The therapist called my friend in a panic because she could not find my friends son and feared he had committed suicide.

This poor woman was 1300 miles away from home. WHAT was the therapist doing calling her? Of course, it put the dear woman into sheer panic and I don't think she has stopped crying, although she is back home now.

My words to her were straight forward. The boy is 21. She was an exceptional mom. He is now responsible for his decisions, for the choices he makes. And while his choices will grieve her, break her heart, rip her soul out....the most important thing she can do is accept that they are his choices and she can no longer change him, fix him, mend him.....it is up to him from now on and has been up to him for the past few years.

And then it hit me.....I could have just as easily been talking about any non-compliant diabetic. We can expend 100% of our energy taking care of them, making sure they eat right, getting them to exercise, trying our best to keep them healthy and compliant. But in the end.....we can't fix them, we can't force them, and we cannot be responsible for the choices that they make.

So the best thing we can do is get on with our lives, live our lives to the fullest, live a prepared life knowing that they might die any second, be always ready for a low or a high, but most important, take care of our own selves - so that we have the energy to take care of them when we have to.

And know that we are never alone

DW

Divorce rates

TW wrote:

I think I may try starting my own blog also, I hope some people will read it also. Any suggestions?

Just do it! Write from the heart. Write the bare bones truth. When it's good, don't forget to write. But when it's bad, spill your guts!

I have no idea how many people see this blog - it's for me. It's simply a record of what I go through. No, I take it back. This is for his kids. When he dies, I will point them here if they want to know what his life was like. They have very little contact with him as they are just too busy with their own lives. But also, I believe they feel that they were abused as kids because he was always yelling at them (lows). I have no doubt it's why his first wife left.

Your next post was:

You know, it would be interesting to know if divorce rates are higher among diabetics than non-diabetics. And whether there is a gender relationship or not. But that is just my curiosity related to know whether or not I'm "normal" or crazy. LOL

You can google this and see that the divorce rate is higher....but I didn't get a number on it. Here's the problem with any of these statistics. Unless you've figured out the whole high/low/anger thing - you'll divorce the guy for a ton of other reasons before you realize you are divorcing him due to his diabetes. Heck, 3 years ago, I would have left in a heartbeat for verbal abuse. And what about the impotence that the drugs bring on? I'll just bet that's a higher statistic than diabetes and women just don't realize it's the disease that is doing this to their husbands

I'm still stuck with the issue that medical examiners list the cause of death as a heart attack.....when we know if they have diabetes this is really a secondary cause of death It's the neuropathy that causes the heart attack. So diabetes should be listed as the primary cause of death.....but that never happens.

We had a pretty good day today. I am still completely drained....but made progress with my cleaning and sorting. Have a very busy week ahead of me with art - classes, workshops and shows. All great fun! Won't be home too much, so anticipating a good week.

DW

and 3 hours later

he is over his low, has apologized, it's like his little fit never happened - he's all sweet and agreeing once again.

I'd really like to take the hammer and hit his thumb good and hard right about now! LOLOL!

Here's what I think I am learning:

1. When in the middle of a heated argument, stand up to him. Do not let him say mean things to you....say them right back to him. In a calm voice. If he calls you a pig, then tell him quietly that it must take one to know one. If he tells you it is his house, not yours, then tell him that you will be most happy to help him remove your name from the deed. Do not let him talk down to you. Fight back. Be loud but don't yell. Be authorative, but don't use an angry voice. Go from loud to quiet. Get right in his face.

He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.

2. Do whatever it takes to get his adrenaline flowing and arguing, talking back in a very very calm voice, refusing to yell, but continuing to make your points, will probably get him so mad his adrenaline will kick into overtime.

His body and brain want him to fight. They know it will get his adrenaline going and get his sugar back up. He probably has no idea why he is yelling, but his body is telling him that he has to do this to survive. Let it happen!

He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.

3. Protect yourself. If he starts to get physically violent, walk away. Get into the car. Leave. If he approaches anywhere close to 3 feet of you, walk away. Tell him the the 3 feet around you is your personal space and he does not have permission to enter it when he is angry.

He actually fell for that! But remember, his sugar is low and you have to treat him like a child.

4. When he decides to stop yelling, make sure you have the last word, no matter how long that takes. He said, "you are a really mean, mean woman to say these things to me" and I said, "and you are just the sweetest man on the face of earth to be standing there yelling at me like you were."

By that time, his sugar has started to rise, he will be exhausted.....

and he will completely forget about all of this in about 30 minutes.

5. Walk away when it is over. Leave the room. If he follows you, wait 3 or 4 minutes, then get up and go to another room. Continue this. He will stop following you. I think it must have something with wanting to apologize but not knowing what they did that they need to apologize for. Yet taking comfort in knowing that you are there next to him.

and he will completely forget that he has been following you in about another 30 minutes.

6. Write it all down. Word for word. Start your own blog. Let other women know they are not alone. Let them read all the different things that you have tried as it will help them realize that not every thing works each time they go low (or high).

and if you don't write it down, you will probably forget about it in a week or two!

7. Know that it is going to happen again.

because he will have forgotten that it happened this time
because he doesn't take care of himself and he has highs and lows
because he has this disease.....and remember, it is HIS disease, not yours.

8. Do not accept his apology, make up, or have sex with him for at least 48 hours. OK, on some level, he knows he did something wrong, he knows he needs to apologize....and my personal opinion is that by rewarding him, I am only encouraging this horrible behavior! Yep, sex is important to any relationship. But so is respect And when he goes low and starts saying horrible things to me....I'm really not in the mood for sex

even when he forgets that anything happened!

9. Most of all, know that you are not alone. Every single spouse of a non-compliant diabetic goes through this on some level every time the diabetic's sugar goes high or low. We just all deal with it in different ways. Some episodes are short, some are drawn out, lengthy, dramatic - that's when I leave and go to a movie.

I can almost count on him apologizing within 3 - 4 hours. I can also count on me not getting over it for 3 or 4 days. It's simply how I process the ugliness of diabetes.

the saddest thing is that we will survive. And most likely - they won't.

DW

It's that low thing again

I just experienced it. He was low. He got upset over something so senseless and screamed his head off at me. Actually got up and "came at me". Got his adrenaline running. And now he's all calm and quiet again.

But I'm raging inside. I think I'm going to start carrying a hammer around and when he goes low, I'll just ask him to put his thumb out on the table and then I'll whack it good and hard.

It serves the same purpose - gets the adrenaline rushing!

And I'd get an ounce of self-satisfaction out of the act of doing it!

LOLOL!!!

DW

I'm enjoying the comments

You know, I have to laugh. Some of the people who read my blog just don't get it, do they?

Diabetic wife is a serious concern for those who conduct research. Sexual impotence results in a default celibacy. Sex is very important to marriages according to counselers who work with couples. I can also suggest an article written by a person who conducts research on this subject.
As we can clearly see, the diabetic condition can not be a "Me" issue but must be an "Us" issue.

How can it be US if he refuses to allow me to go to the doctor with him, refuses to eat right, refuses to exercise. I'm not doing any of that refusing.....but there's very little US in anything that he is doing and not doing, so from my standpoint, this is HIS disease - there is no US at all and that was 100% HIS choice!!!

Tom's wife wrote:

DW - I'm glad for you. It can be so empowering (I don't a better word) to just start doing something. It sounds like you have ambitious plans. I have no doubt that you will accomplish everything you set out to do -- your husband will be so impressed/bowled over/kicked in the pants that he will either join you in the effort or just leave your to your chores. Either way the result will be great! I'll bet it will also be cathartic (sp?) Here on your blog, we have your back. Keep going where your heart leads you.

And Anonymous, my heart goes out to you, its during these difficult "tornadoes" that we want you to know that you don't stand alone.

"we" are out here just hoping you also know that we are supporting you also.

Tom's wife

Thanks TW - someone needs my back - I'll write another post in a few about the "current" events!


Wordygirl wrote:

Hi! My husband was diagnosed with type II six years ago and has not taken it seriously at all. He wasn't having any problems until recently and now we've been to the ER twice in 6mos with blood sugars in the high 400s. Yesterday I was at work when I got the call that he was disoriented and lost parts of his day. I'm absolutely terrified and extremely frustrated and angry. I've been on him since he got diagnosed that he take care of himself but he's 38 and I can't make him do it. Aside from my wanting him to be here for a long while, we have 3 young children that want their dad around. Any suggestions on what I can do to help/support him and keep my sanity?

Well, your statement, "I can't make him do it' is just about the bottom line. And the only options you have are to stay or to leave. If you stay, know that you can't change him. Change has to come from within him.....not from you. If you leave - it's a different set of problems. I'm in no position to offer help at all - I just am here to listen and to write my own experiences. It's just a complete roller coaster, up one moment and down the next, calm, easy days and screaming "hell" days. I always pray that I just make it through this one more incident and I'll be ok..but in the middle of it - I just want to leave, to walk away, to get out.

So far I'm still here.

DW - don't ever apologize to us for not posting - true, we miss you but only if it helps you. If it would ever be helpful to you (YOU!!) tell me if I can help with the blog. You mentioned once that you get lots of stuff that you have to screen out. I'm only offering to help, not to
take anything away from you.

I'm sorry he is so sick and not going/listening to the doctor. being in the car when they drive like that is so scary. and what maybe the hardest part is that there is no warning -- sometimes no way to tell at first when it is just their poor driving skills or their sugar. Grrr!

I'm also sorry about your friend - that makes the stuff with him so much harder. that must be really tough and you are a wonderful person to be helping her. I imagine how close to home it all must hit seeing her "manage" her move and imagining yourself in a similar position. But you still have your health and I commend you on leaving the house when you do -- its the best thing you do -- take care of you!!!

You have written several times about being concerned about moving - but it feels likes a monumental task. One little suggestion, if I may? Why don't you try to find one small thing that you can change now. Maybe you have a junk drawer that you can clean out or maybe he has a box in the basement that he hasn't touched in years. Just address ONE item next week and see if you can decide what to do with it.

See how that goes before moving onto a second item. You don't necessary need to consult with him. if you don't need his help and he won't miss it, it really doesn't matter.

that's my bit for today -- mine is on his best behavior this week because he wants my help. then he travels then I travel. Its a few good weeks for me.

thank you for being here and I'll try to always be here for you

Tom's Wife

Thanks TW! Actually - I have started the "one item" thing! But in a bigger way! LOL! I've been working in our basement this week and making amazing progress (for me). Four HUGE bags to the trash (I think the 59 gallon sized bags!) and 2 bags for the thrift store up and in my car. The hardest part is carrying it all upstairs - but it has to come up and out sooner or later. I am giving myself all winter to clear out the basement.

Hubby has done model trains in the past. All in the basement. So I told him he has til December to decide what he wants to do with them.

a. box them up for storage.
b. give them all away
c. List them on Craig's list or ebay
d donate them

He didn't seem opposed to at least thinking about it. I do think he has come to accept that he probably is not going to get back feelings in his hands and can't really operate tiny little trains.

In the meantime, I am getting stuff cleaned up, sorted through and it really feels good. I have also decided that it will take 2 years to get this house ready to sell....so I am going forward with that as a plan. This winter to clean out the basement. Next spring to get the yard into shape. Summer will be the 3 car garage (I told him we will probably end up selling the ATV as we haven't been out on it at all this year.) Next fall will be the upstairs. And then we should be good after that.

While I know it will be a really slow process - it's a start. I think it's done me good to see my friend go through this.

And thanks for being here for me! Our weekend was just awful....but things seem to be turning back around this week. He has a lot of business meetings and I'm hiding out in the basement! It's the same old roller coaster....just I understand it a bit better!


Anonymous wrote:

Geez! I hope everyone is having a better day! My hubby has had the headaches, backpains, the ups and downs and of course, the driving like a crazy person (I do all the driving now when I am in the car). I just don't get why these men cannot get the fact through their heads that this disease is a road to self destruction and hurts everyone in their path. Well today is another day full of more ups and downs. All are in my thoughts and prayers, just remember to be strong and that it is their disease!

They are sort of like a tornado - going through life - ripping up the path of everyone around them.....and then we scurry around to make it all look normal and happy again......just to have the same tornado come ripping through again - huh? LOLOL!!!

Or I have this image of being on the front seat of a roller coaster...holding on for dear life...knowing that it's there in front of me, it's coming, it's going to upset my stomach and make me want to puke my guts out....anticipating the exact moment it's going to hit.....

Today, we are on a plateau. It's nice.

DW

Tom's wife wrote:
For me, Tom is doing the swings - its my new term -- one day everything is great and he is as sweet as can be -- the next (tonight) he is clearly low and stupid and out of control and just so **#@ stupid, it drives me insane!

He tells me its because he doesn't want to go blind or lose a foot, but when I mention that he could die of a low-induced coma or heart attack - he tells me that he's not worried because I'll save him. Its enough to want to scream! When did I sign up to be a paramedic?


8/31/2009 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...
How is he doing? How are you doing?
Tom's Wife

Well, sorry I haven't been here to post! I've had a hard week - just not motivated to do a thing. So I hear you - I just want to scream! I think this past week it just hit me that we so need to downsize and move to a one level while we still can. What brought that on? Well, I spent a day with a friend who had a pulmanory embolism 3 years ago. She is in a walker. Her husband can barely breathe - they are a bit older - but are in the process of downsizing and moving and neither one of them can physically do it. She is giving things away right and left because she physically can't do anything else. It is beyond sad to watch her part with a lifetime of memories, momentos, furniture, collected dishes, etc.

And then I took a good look around this place and realized that sooner or later, I'm going to have to do the same thing! I can't just wiggle my nose and have it taken care of. But I just don't feel like dealing with any of it right now. Really bad attitude! LOL!!!

How is he doing? Not so great. His back was so bad yesterday that he could barely move. I'm going to guess it is his kidneys. He refused to call his doctor. I left the house for most of the day. I can't sit here and watch him be in so much pain. Nor can I stay here and play gopher girl for everything he wants. If he is not going to go see the doctor - I'm not going to play "nurse" for him. I agree - I don't recall signing up to be his personal paramedic!!!

9/02/2009 6:42 PM
Lilly said...
Just a thought:
Is he (or you) sure it's an optical migraine? When my husband's blood sugar is high, he gets really bad headaches. It also affects his vision. Sometimes, if blood sugar is very high, that person can't see anything.

Well, he has been having these for about 3 years now and when they first started, he did go see the doctor about them and the doc confirmed them and gave him a different medication to take for them - but he only takes this Rx after the optical migraine has started. Fortunately, he still has warning signs as to when they come on.

Note to self:

Yesterday, we were out and he was driving. Made a left hand turn from the far right (2 turn lanes) When he rounded the corner, instead of staying in the far right lane, he turned into the inside lane, cutting off the other driver - forcing him to go into the oncoming left turn lane. I said, "didn't you just cut that guy off?" and he said, "no, he pulled into the wrong lane so I just took this one".

He had not eaten anything in about 9 hours and I KNOW he was in the middle of a major low. I had offered him food several times and he turned it down. Think I need to quit going with him anywhere if he is going to do the driving. But then.....I don't recall signing up to be his chauffeur!

optical migraines

I need to start recording when he has these so I can go back and see if there is a pattern. They seem to be coming on more frequently. He is having one this morning. He cannot see anything.

DW

A good week!

In response to Sue's comment:

tomswife said...
Sue, I'm so sorry. The reason they don't want you to talk with the doctor is because they know they are wrong. They know the doctor will tell you what they are supposed to do. But we all know that's a losing battle anyway. When they are very high or very low, they are not reasonable -- it doesn't matter what is correct -- they are not in their right minds. So welcome to our club, thank goodness for DW, she is our leader in our "little" group of beleaguered wives who know what to do but never quite figure out how to do it.

Good luck!

tom's wife




Anonymous said...
Hi to all. I just read Sue's post... I am so sorry you have to go through this. Been there ... My husband is non-compliant, verbally abusive, on dialysis, waiting for a kidney. He now has "sharko", needs major surgery on his feet (with over a year for recovering for each foot), I am living the nightmare. All I can say is be strong, you know that this is his disease and no matter what you do, he has to make his own decisions. It drives me crazy, but really the truth is ... if he doesn't care enough about his own life, I cannot do a thing about it. You are in my prayers and thoughts!

I had to google "sharko" as I did not know this was another name for Charcot. Thanks for educating me!

Prepare yourself for the foot surgery. My hubby has had 1 and our MBR is on the upper floor. He got himself up there....and then I ran myself ragged running up and down stairs fetching things for him. I have already told him that if he has another foot operation, he is going to rent a hospital bed for the main floor! You are so accurate when you say there isn't a thing we can do for them. But oh! isn't it sad?

My hubby is out of town this week on a business trip and I am having a wonderfully quiet, peaceful week. I made a decision to accomplish absolutely nothing and am doing very well at meeting my goal for the week! LOL!!! Well, I am doing a bit of cleaning, and yardwork, changed all the beds - but all at my own leisure. I just so appreciate the quiet and peace when he is gone....and truly appreciate that he can still travel at this point. When he left on Monday, he was having such severe back pain that I thought he might cancel the trip. But he made it and there haven't been any crisis. It's been a really good week!

Sue wrote:

My husband is the exact image of what you describe. He has high blood pressure and diabetes. He is very verbally abusive just to me every night. He drinks beer and says he can. (Can't ...it shoots his sugar through the sky) He is very agitated and likes to argue every night. Tells me I am not a good wife,etc. (All very unreasonable) Sometimes when he is having an "episode" he smells like ammonia. What is that? He does not smell fruity breathed. I have been to the marriage counselor, to his family and he doesn't do this to them. My kids and I have suffered for over 17 years with this hard headed man in denial. He is always nice in the morning. I do not know how to get him to test his sugar. He is Type II and on a pill which he says he doesn't need. Also, he is going off his BP meds. he says. He will not allow me to talk to his doctor. Why do they scream and rant? over the littles things? Even if I am pleasant, he starts on me twisting the words and making a fight;.I leave the house and pray. Will this ever stop? I think it is diabetes that is poorly managed. (His dad was a very noncomplient diabetic and I had no respect for him...very self centered and pompous.) Mean to my husband's mother.
I wish the doctors would talk to us!
God bless...and I will pray for all of us here.

I think I remember reading something about ammonia and kidney disease - you could probably google it.

Your husband sounds just like mine. That "twisting the words and making a fight" usually happens when mine is starting down a sugar drop. I have learned to say, "I'm hungry, can we go out to eat?" and if I can get food in him within 20 minutes - we usually avert the fight.

It also helped to have his meds all changed around.

Mine won't let me talk to his doctors either. But I made an appointment with a diabetic nurse at the clinic he goes to and was pretty straight forward with her about how miserable my life was. She got his doctor to call him in and that's when they changed his insulin shots around. Fortunately, he will take the shots and all the pills they give him.....he just continues to eat what and when he wants which doesn't help a thing!

My husband's father is a diabetic as well and I see the same things in him that you see in yours. I just pray my husband's son doesn't develop diabetes.....but he seems to be very likely to do just that.

Good luck!

DW

Obamacare for diabetics

This was an interesting article: Neo-Neocon

It shows the video where Obama says we should be taking care of the root cause of what causes amputations in diabetes, rather than performing the amputation.

So yes, a diabetic should diet, exercise, test their blood sugar numerous times a day. But that will not CURE the disease and there are still going to be those who need amputations. It may postpone or prolong the need for an amputation. But he said nothing about the plan's provisions for those who need an amputation

I really liked the paragraph that talks about how smoking is a huge risk factor in diabetic amputations. But Obama didn't mention this. Why? Proably because he's a smoker who hasn't been able to quit. How ironic! He is proposing a health care plan that would look at the root cause ofthe problem and ask people to fix that. Yet what is going to happen to him if he get's cancer from smoking all his life? He doesn't seem to want to quit.

So why should he ask a diabetic to eat healthy, exercise and test numerous times a day?

That just doesn't make sense to me.

Just a few of my random thoughts that this legislation probably should be something that each and every one of us - as the spouses of non-compliant diabetics - seriously start to listen to. Because you know our husbands are not going to start becoming compliant just because there's a reform in national healthcare!

I get the whole concept that taking care of yourself from an early age will reduce health care costs at a later age. But as the President of our nation, I think he should be the first to set the example and show everyone exactly how "easy" that is to do. He should give up smoking, stop eating red meat, and we should see him jogging 7 days a week And he should insist that his wife and daughters follow that example.

One of the things that scares me about the proposed legislation is the fact that it would limit healthcare to those over 55 and that's probably the diabetes category that needs the most care.

Aside from that.....will this mean that a doctor or his representative will now come into your home to make sure you are folloiwng their orders so that they can keep health care costs down? I get that from where he said, "monitors whether they're taking their medications in a timely fashion," How does he plan to monitor medications taken in a timely fashion?

DW

You can only do one thing at a time

Tom's wife wrote: I'm sorry, it just never ends, does it? I don't want to bore you, but my husband's brother (45 years old) came out of drug rehab and decided he would try to live with us. This was against my better judgement because I was not convinced he really wanted to be clean and figured our house may be a place to get away with more of the same.

Anyway, he lasted two weeks, and when my husband and I told him that he had to participate in some type of program in order to stay - he freaked out. complained to his family that I kicked him out -- another brother just kept telling us to ask him to pee in a cup and have him drug tested. his mother said, just go to meetings with him.

with everything I do for my diabetic husband (which they just don't fully comprehend) I just can't take on the intense care needed for another adult man - who may or may not want to really be helping himself.

I'm feeling ok my decisions but the last 3 weeks have been really hard. Now I'm going away for a week of business and it will be a difficult week of long days of meetings, but I'll glad to be along in that hotel room every nite with no one to take care of but me!

thinking of you

Tom's Wife

My mom is pretty funny with some of her quotes. One she likes to use is "everyone puts their pants on the same way - one leg at a time". The other is "you can only do one thing at a time".

And while I often try to do more than one thing at a time (type on the computer and talk on the phone is a good example) I usually make a mistake either talking or typing when I try that!

Tom's wife - you really can't be expected to do more than be there for Tom. You certainly can't allow anyone to guilt you into taking care of anyone else. I was going to say "right now"......but I think I will change that to "ever". I think once I am done caring or my husband...I will have nothing left to give to anyone else.

And I agree with you totally. No one really understands how much goes into taking care of someone who has diabetes. It's almost endless. Or should I say it's constant? Even when you are gone traveling on business - you don't stop caring, calling, checking in, making sure all is well, etc. But I also know the true rest that can come while completely alone in a hotel room. Almost worth $100 to get away one night a week!

While my hubby doesn't travel much any more, he is going to travel next week and suddenly, I am looking forward to a week here alone.

Hang in there. You made a good choice in refusing to care for his brother. One at a time is more than enough!

Linda wrote:

I am new to this -went looking for something on the internet in the form of support. My husband has been a diabetic for over 30 years, had a lower left leg amputation in 2003 and is currently fighting an infection on his right foot (that in itself is a very long story). It is coming along but on Monday his blood sugar was so low that I ended up calling 911. I have not been at ease since. Scared me to death, for sure. Praying alot. I will keep reading this blog. Thank you - I feel so overwhelmed at times.

Linda, my suggestion is that you seek professional counseling. I know you must be really scared that he is going to die or something worse is going to happen....but I think you need to mentally prepare yourself for this. Because it's going to happen sooner or later. He might live for quite some time, but he could go tomorrow and as scary as that is, I think each one of us has to prepare ourselves for that very fact.

My husband had an angina attack in May and still hasn't been to see a doctor for that. It's usually a "warning" that a heart attack could happen or a stroke. I waffle between denial (since his has been doing so well) and reality (because he did have an agina attack).

I pray a lot, too. I think the praying helps calm me down - mabye like meditation. It centers me. And I think we all feel overwhelmed most of the time. It's just such a horrible disease. They can go so low, at the drop of a pen. So fast, and you don't have a moment to prepare yourself. You can be engaged in normal every day living one moment and the next moment, the ambulance is at your door and you are on the way to the hospital. It's so nerve-wracking.

I have days when I think I should wipe my calendar clear and just wait But the therapist I saw told me not to do that. She said that I needed to have something to do to keep me busy every day. That I needed to get a job, volunteer, teach, get out of the house, go somewhere - keep myself busy I took her advice and I think it was good. But I still have moments when I think I should quit everything that I do and be here just for him. I'm sort of glad I didn't take that path

Hope you can get past this and back to a more normal life.

DW

Parkinsons? Or neuropathy?

We went to dinner tonight and when he went to cut his steak, his right hand just started shaking violently. It's hard to describe but I had never seen anything like it before. He laid his hand down on the table, used his left hand to remove the fork from his right hand and let it just lay there. When he went to pick up his fork again, it was still shaking, but much better.

It truly looked like an extremely severe case of parkinsons. I asked him about it. He said that there are no nerves left and sometimes, it depends on the angle of his hand when he picks up his fork, it will just shake like that. He just has to rest it, change the angle and start over.

Scared the crap out of me! I was just glad he didn't have a sharp knife in that hand...he could have cut himself.

I just have to wonder, "what next?" Sigh.

DW

It was a great trip

Yes, I'm back. Was gone 3 weeks. And I have decided that I can't be gone for more than 2 at a time - just too much left unattended here at home while I'm gone.

But I did come back refreshed and renewed. I had a wonderful time - 1/3 at an art conference, 1/3 with family and reunions, 1/3 at a girlfriend's house for a true get-away. I crammed way too much into a short timeframe, but it sure was fun!

The infection in his knee seems to be improving. He had a horrible day yesterday, but today was much better. You can actually literally see the pain in his face these days.

So, my next "problem". I know that we need to downsize and move into a 1 level place before he gets to the point where he can't make the move. But how do I convince him that we need to make the move now? I can totally see a time in our not too distant future where he is going to be unable to do stairs and we are going to have a dialysis machine in our home. He does not see that and doesn't think it's going to happen for years.

We have over 2/3 acre here and I have huge flower beds that I can't really keep up with any more. He can't help at all. I'm managing to get in an hour or 2 every morning....but I see no end in sight and keep thinking that I can't keep up this pace but a couple more years, if that! And no, I can't plow them under or plant grass.....just wouldn't work for the terrain tha we have.

And for the record, he still has not been to see a doctor about the angina attack he had back in May. I'm sure he's not going to go.

DW

Just an update

He has had a bad infection in his left knee and left wrist for the last 4 days. Yesterday he started having an infection in his right knee and said his back hurt so bad he could hardly sit.

Today, he sat in the recliner with a heating pad on his left knee.

I asked him tonight if he thought maybe it was time to go see a doctor and he said, "maybe in a few days or so" - which translated simply means that he's going to wait at least a week and see if the pain is any better.

I've started back doing yardwork - 2 or 3 hours every morning. Someone has to do it. And he simply can't.

DW