If you send me a comment and it has a link in it to a website that is trying to sell something...I probably won't post your comment or make a link to it.
I do, however, check them out and if I think it's something valid - I will be happy to share it.
For the most part - I reject this type of comments. Just os you know.
We had a really good couple of days around here. After last weekends melt-down, I think we both deserve some peace and quiet! I've been hosting a guest instructor in my art studio this week. Last night, hubby came down to the basement to say "hi" to all the "girls". I noticed that he could barely walk on the hard concrete floor Poor guy. I think he wants to be involved but just can't physically get himself around. Most of the rest of our house has nice soft carpeting. I just wonder how much longer before he is going to need a wheelchair.
DW - enjoying the calm
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
No matter how alone you think you are - you aren't
Anonymous wrote:
I just recently came across your blog. Some of your entries could have been written by me, WORD FOR WORD. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.
I really wish more wives would blog. When I started this I honestly thought I was all alone. But I have learned that I'm not alone at all in this. While our experiences are all different - there is a common thread in dealing with diabetics who have lows and highs. There is the angst of their memory lapses, dealing with the cruel and cutting words, yet continuing to stay, continuing to love them.
So no matter how alone any of us might think we are at the moment it happens....know that none of us are every really alone.
Now, that being said - it's not just diabetes.....it can be anything that causes grief and pain. I have a good friend here who has a 21 year old son who is threatening suicide. He is in counseling. She left on vacation. The therapist called my friend in a panic because she could not find my friends son and feared he had committed suicide.
This poor woman was 1300 miles away from home. WHAT was the therapist doing calling her? Of course, it put the dear woman into sheer panic and I don't think she has stopped crying, although she is back home now.
My words to her were straight forward. The boy is 21. She was an exceptional mom. He is now responsible for his decisions, for the choices he makes. And while his choices will grieve her, break her heart, rip her soul out....the most important thing she can do is accept that they are his choices and she can no longer change him, fix him, mend him.....it is up to him from now on and has been up to him for the past few years.
And then it hit me.....I could have just as easily been talking about any non-compliant diabetic. We can expend 100% of our energy taking care of them, making sure they eat right, getting them to exercise, trying our best to keep them healthy and compliant. But in the end.....we can't fix them, we can't force them, and we cannot be responsible for the choices that they make.
So the best thing we can do is get on with our lives, live our lives to the fullest, live a prepared life knowing that they might die any second, be always ready for a low or a high, but most important, take care of our own selves - so that we have the energy to take care of them when we have to.
And know that we are never alone
DW
I just recently came across your blog. Some of your entries could have been written by me, WORD FOR WORD. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.
I really wish more wives would blog. When I started this I honestly thought I was all alone. But I have learned that I'm not alone at all in this. While our experiences are all different - there is a common thread in dealing with diabetics who have lows and highs. There is the angst of their memory lapses, dealing with the cruel and cutting words, yet continuing to stay, continuing to love them.
So no matter how alone any of us might think we are at the moment it happens....know that none of us are every really alone.
Now, that being said - it's not just diabetes.....it can be anything that causes grief and pain. I have a good friend here who has a 21 year old son who is threatening suicide. He is in counseling. She left on vacation. The therapist called my friend in a panic because she could not find my friends son and feared he had committed suicide.
This poor woman was 1300 miles away from home. WHAT was the therapist doing calling her? Of course, it put the dear woman into sheer panic and I don't think she has stopped crying, although she is back home now.
My words to her were straight forward. The boy is 21. She was an exceptional mom. He is now responsible for his decisions, for the choices he makes. And while his choices will grieve her, break her heart, rip her soul out....the most important thing she can do is accept that they are his choices and she can no longer change him, fix him, mend him.....it is up to him from now on and has been up to him for the past few years.
And then it hit me.....I could have just as easily been talking about any non-compliant diabetic. We can expend 100% of our energy taking care of them, making sure they eat right, getting them to exercise, trying our best to keep them healthy and compliant. But in the end.....we can't fix them, we can't force them, and we cannot be responsible for the choices that they make.
So the best thing we can do is get on with our lives, live our lives to the fullest, live a prepared life knowing that they might die any second, be always ready for a low or a high, but most important, take care of our own selves - so that we have the energy to take care of them when we have to.
And know that we are never alone
DW
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Divorce rates
TW wrote:
Just do it! Write from the heart. Write the bare bones truth. When it's good, don't forget to write. But when it's bad, spill your guts!
I have no idea how many people see this blog - it's for me. It's simply a record of what I go through. No, I take it back. This is for his kids. When he dies, I will point them here if they want to know what his life was like. They have very little contact with him as they are just too busy with their own lives. But also, I believe they feel that they were abused as kids because he was always yelling at them (lows). I have no doubt it's why his first wife left.
Your next post was:
You can google this and see that the divorce rate is higher....but I didn't get a number on it. Here's the problem with any of these statistics. Unless you've figured out the whole high/low/anger thing - you'll divorce the guy for a ton of other reasons before you realize you are divorcing him due to his diabetes. Heck, 3 years ago, I would have left in a heartbeat for verbal abuse. And what about the impotence that the drugs bring on? I'll just bet that's a higher statistic than diabetes and women just don't realize it's the disease that is doing this to their husbands
I'm still stuck with the issue that medical examiners list the cause of death as a heart attack.....when we know if they have diabetes this is really a secondary cause of death It's the neuropathy that causes the heart attack. So diabetes should be listed as the primary cause of death.....but that never happens.
We had a pretty good day today. I am still completely drained....but made progress with my cleaning and sorting. Have a very busy week ahead of me with art - classes, workshops and shows. All great fun! Won't be home too much, so anticipating a good week.
DW
I think I may try starting my own blog also, I hope some people will read it also. Any suggestions?
Just do it! Write from the heart. Write the bare bones truth. When it's good, don't forget to write. But when it's bad, spill your guts!
I have no idea how many people see this blog - it's for me. It's simply a record of what I go through. No, I take it back. This is for his kids. When he dies, I will point them here if they want to know what his life was like. They have very little contact with him as they are just too busy with their own lives. But also, I believe they feel that they were abused as kids because he was always yelling at them (lows). I have no doubt it's why his first wife left.
Your next post was:
You know, it would be interesting to know if divorce rates are higher among diabetics than non-diabetics. And whether there is a gender relationship or not. But that is just my curiosity related to know whether or not I'm "normal" or crazy. LOL
You can google this and see that the divorce rate is higher....but I didn't get a number on it. Here's the problem with any of these statistics. Unless you've figured out the whole high/low/anger thing - you'll divorce the guy for a ton of other reasons before you realize you are divorcing him due to his diabetes. Heck, 3 years ago, I would have left in a heartbeat for verbal abuse. And what about the impotence that the drugs bring on? I'll just bet that's a higher statistic than diabetes and women just don't realize it's the disease that is doing this to their husbands
I'm still stuck with the issue that medical examiners list the cause of death as a heart attack.....when we know if they have diabetes this is really a secondary cause of death It's the neuropathy that causes the heart attack. So diabetes should be listed as the primary cause of death.....but that never happens.
We had a pretty good day today. I am still completely drained....but made progress with my cleaning and sorting. Have a very busy week ahead of me with art - classes, workshops and shows. All great fun! Won't be home too much, so anticipating a good week.
DW
Saturday, September 12, 2009
and 3 hours later
he is over his low, has apologized, it's like his little fit never happened - he's all sweet and agreeing once again.
I'd really like to take the hammer and hit his thumb good and hard right about now! LOLOL!
Here's what I think I am learning:
1. When in the middle of a heated argument, stand up to him. Do not let him say mean things to you....say them right back to him. In a calm voice. If he calls you a pig, then tell him quietly that it must take one to know one. If he tells you it is his house, not yours, then tell him that you will be most happy to help him remove your name from the deed. Do not let him talk down to you. Fight back. Be loud but don't yell. Be authorative, but don't use an angry voice. Go from loud to quiet. Get right in his face.
He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.
2. Do whatever it takes to get his adrenaline flowing and arguing, talking back in a very very calm voice, refusing to yell, but continuing to make your points, will probably get him so mad his adrenaline will kick into overtime.
His body and brain want him to fight. They know it will get his adrenaline going and get his sugar back up. He probably has no idea why he is yelling, but his body is telling him that he has to do this to survive. Let it happen!
He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.
3. Protect yourself. If he starts to get physically violent, walk away. Get into the car. Leave. If he approaches anywhere close to 3 feet of you, walk away. Tell him the the 3 feet around you is your personal space and he does not have permission to enter it when he is angry.
He actually fell for that! But remember, his sugar is low and you have to treat him like a child.
4. When he decides to stop yelling, make sure you have the last word, no matter how long that takes. He said, "you are a really mean, mean woman to say these things to me" and I said, "and you are just the sweetest man on the face of earth to be standing there yelling at me like you were."
By that time, his sugar has started to rise, he will be exhausted.....
and he will completely forget about all of this in about 30 minutes.
5. Walk away when it is over. Leave the room. If he follows you, wait 3 or 4 minutes, then get up and go to another room. Continue this. He will stop following you. I think it must have something with wanting to apologize but not knowing what they did that they need to apologize for. Yet taking comfort in knowing that you are there next to him.
and he will completely forget that he has been following you in about another 30 minutes.
6. Write it all down. Word for word. Start your own blog. Let other women know they are not alone. Let them read all the different things that you have tried as it will help them realize that not every thing works each time they go low (or high).
and if you don't write it down, you will probably forget about it in a week or two!
7. Know that it is going to happen again.
because he will have forgotten that it happened this time
because he doesn't take care of himself and he has highs and lows
because he has this disease.....and remember, it is HIS disease, not yours.
8. Do not accept his apology, make up, or have sex with him for at least 48 hours. OK, on some level, he knows he did something wrong, he knows he needs to apologize....and my personal opinion is that by rewarding him, I am only encouraging this horrible behavior! Yep, sex is important to any relationship. But so is respect And when he goes low and starts saying horrible things to me....I'm really not in the mood for sex
even when he forgets that anything happened!
9. Most of all, know that you are not alone. Every single spouse of a non-compliant diabetic goes through this on some level every time the diabetic's sugar goes high or low. We just all deal with it in different ways. Some episodes are short, some are drawn out, lengthy, dramatic - that's when I leave and go to a movie.
I can almost count on him apologizing within 3 - 4 hours. I can also count on me not getting over it for 3 or 4 days. It's simply how I process the ugliness of diabetes.
the saddest thing is that we will survive. And most likely - they won't.
DW
I'd really like to take the hammer and hit his thumb good and hard right about now! LOLOL!
Here's what I think I am learning:
1. When in the middle of a heated argument, stand up to him. Do not let him say mean things to you....say them right back to him. In a calm voice. If he calls you a pig, then tell him quietly that it must take one to know one. If he tells you it is his house, not yours, then tell him that you will be most happy to help him remove your name from the deed. Do not let him talk down to you. Fight back. Be loud but don't yell. Be authorative, but don't use an angry voice. Go from loud to quiet. Get right in his face.
He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.
2. Do whatever it takes to get his adrenaline flowing and arguing, talking back in a very very calm voice, refusing to yell, but continuing to make your points, will probably get him so mad his adrenaline will kick into overtime.
His body and brain want him to fight. They know it will get his adrenaline going and get his sugar back up. He probably has no idea why he is yelling, but his body is telling him that he has to do this to survive. Let it happen!
He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.
3. Protect yourself. If he starts to get physically violent, walk away. Get into the car. Leave. If he approaches anywhere close to 3 feet of you, walk away. Tell him the the 3 feet around you is your personal space and he does not have permission to enter it when he is angry.
He actually fell for that! But remember, his sugar is low and you have to treat him like a child.
4. When he decides to stop yelling, make sure you have the last word, no matter how long that takes. He said, "you are a really mean, mean woman to say these things to me" and I said, "and you are just the sweetest man on the face of earth to be standing there yelling at me like you were."
By that time, his sugar has started to rise, he will be exhausted.....
and he will completely forget about all of this in about 30 minutes.
5. Walk away when it is over. Leave the room. If he follows you, wait 3 or 4 minutes, then get up and go to another room. Continue this. He will stop following you. I think it must have something with wanting to apologize but not knowing what they did that they need to apologize for. Yet taking comfort in knowing that you are there next to him.
and he will completely forget that he has been following you in about another 30 minutes.
6. Write it all down. Word for word. Start your own blog. Let other women know they are not alone. Let them read all the different things that you have tried as it will help them realize that not every thing works each time they go low (or high).
and if you don't write it down, you will probably forget about it in a week or two!
7. Know that it is going to happen again.
because he will have forgotten that it happened this time
because he doesn't take care of himself and he has highs and lows
because he has this disease.....and remember, it is HIS disease, not yours.
8. Do not accept his apology, make up, or have sex with him for at least 48 hours. OK, on some level, he knows he did something wrong, he knows he needs to apologize....and my personal opinion is that by rewarding him, I am only encouraging this horrible behavior! Yep, sex is important to any relationship. But so is respect And when he goes low and starts saying horrible things to me....I'm really not in the mood for sex
even when he forgets that anything happened!
9. Most of all, know that you are not alone. Every single spouse of a non-compliant diabetic goes through this on some level every time the diabetic's sugar goes high or low. We just all deal with it in different ways. Some episodes are short, some are drawn out, lengthy, dramatic - that's when I leave and go to a movie.
I can almost count on him apologizing within 3 - 4 hours. I can also count on me not getting over it for 3 or 4 days. It's simply how I process the ugliness of diabetes.
the saddest thing is that we will survive. And most likely - they won't.
DW
It's that low thing again
I just experienced it. He was low. He got upset over something so senseless and screamed his head off at me. Actually got up and "came at me". Got his adrenaline running. And now he's all calm and quiet again.
But I'm raging inside. I think I'm going to start carrying a hammer around and when he goes low, I'll just ask him to put his thumb out on the table and then I'll whack it good and hard.
It serves the same purpose - gets the adrenaline rushing!
And I'd get an ounce of self-satisfaction out of the act of doing it!
LOLOL!!!
DW
But I'm raging inside. I think I'm going to start carrying a hammer around and when he goes low, I'll just ask him to put his thumb out on the table and then I'll whack it good and hard.
It serves the same purpose - gets the adrenaline rushing!
And I'd get an ounce of self-satisfaction out of the act of doing it!
LOLOL!!!
DW
I'm enjoying the comments
You know, I have to laugh. Some of the people who read my blog just don't get it, do they?
How can it be US if he refuses to allow me to go to the doctor with him, refuses to eat right, refuses to exercise. I'm not doing any of that refusing.....but there's very little US in anything that he is doing and not doing, so from my standpoint, this is HIS disease - there is no US at all and that was 100% HIS choice!!!
Tom's wife wrote:
Thanks TW - someone needs my back - I'll write another post in a few about the "current" events!
Wordygirl wrote:
Well, your statement, "I can't make him do it' is just about the bottom line. And the only options you have are to stay or to leave. If you stay, know that you can't change him. Change has to come from within him.....not from you. If you leave - it's a different set of problems. I'm in no position to offer help at all - I just am here to listen and to write my own experiences. It's just a complete roller coaster, up one moment and down the next, calm, easy days and screaming "hell" days. I always pray that I just make it through this one more incident and I'll be ok..but in the middle of it - I just want to leave, to walk away, to get out.
So far I'm still here.
Diabetic wife is a serious concern for those who conduct research. Sexual impotence results in a default celibacy. Sex is very important to marriages according to counselers who work with couples. I can also suggest an article written by a person who conducts research on this subject.
As we can clearly see, the diabetic condition can not be a "Me" issue but must be an "Us" issue.
How can it be US if he refuses to allow me to go to the doctor with him, refuses to eat right, refuses to exercise. I'm not doing any of that refusing.....but there's very little US in anything that he is doing and not doing, so from my standpoint, this is HIS disease - there is no US at all and that was 100% HIS choice!!!
Tom's wife wrote:
DW - I'm glad for you. It can be so empowering (I don't a better word) to just start doing something. It sounds like you have ambitious plans. I have no doubt that you will accomplish everything you set out to do -- your husband will be so impressed/bowled over/kicked in the pants that he will either join you in the effort or just leave your to your chores. Either way the result will be great! I'll bet it will also be cathartic (sp?) Here on your blog, we have your back. Keep going where your heart leads you.
And Anonymous, my heart goes out to you, its during these difficult "tornadoes" that we want you to know that you don't stand alone.
"we" are out here just hoping you also know that we are supporting you also.
Tom's wife
Thanks TW - someone needs my back - I'll write another post in a few about the "current" events!
Wordygirl wrote:
Hi! My husband was diagnosed with type II six years ago and has not taken it seriously at all. He wasn't having any problems until recently and now we've been to the ER twice in 6mos with blood sugars in the high 400s. Yesterday I was at work when I got the call that he was disoriented and lost parts of his day. I'm absolutely terrified and extremely frustrated and angry. I've been on him since he got diagnosed that he take care of himself but he's 38 and I can't make him do it. Aside from my wanting him to be here for a long while, we have 3 young children that want their dad around. Any suggestions on what I can do to help/support him and keep my sanity?
Well, your statement, "I can't make him do it' is just about the bottom line. And the only options you have are to stay or to leave. If you stay, know that you can't change him. Change has to come from within him.....not from you. If you leave - it's a different set of problems. I'm in no position to offer help at all - I just am here to listen and to write my own experiences. It's just a complete roller coaster, up one moment and down the next, calm, easy days and screaming "hell" days. I always pray that I just make it through this one more incident and I'll be ok..but in the middle of it - I just want to leave, to walk away, to get out.
So far I'm still here.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
DW - don't ever apologize to us for not posting - true, we miss you but only if it helps you. If it would ever be helpful to you (YOU!!) tell me if I can help with the blog. You mentioned once that you get lots of stuff that you have to screen out. I'm only offering to help, not to
take anything away from you.
I'm sorry he is so sick and not going/listening to the doctor. being in the car when they drive like that is so scary. and what maybe the hardest part is that there is no warning -- sometimes no way to tell at first when it is just their poor driving skills or their sugar. Grrr!
I'm also sorry about your friend - that makes the stuff with him so much harder. that must be really tough and you are a wonderful person to be helping her. I imagine how close to home it all must hit seeing her "manage" her move and imagining yourself in a similar position. But you still have your health and I commend you on leaving the house when you do -- its the best thing you do -- take care of you!!!
You have written several times about being concerned about moving - but it feels likes a monumental task. One little suggestion, if I may? Why don't you try to find one small thing that you can change now. Maybe you have a junk drawer that you can clean out or maybe he has a box in the basement that he hasn't touched in years. Just address ONE item next week and see if you can decide what to do with it.
See how that goes before moving onto a second item. You don't necessary need to consult with him. if you don't need his help and he won't miss it, it really doesn't matter.
that's my bit for today -- mine is on his best behavior this week because he wants my help. then he travels then I travel. Its a few good weeks for me.
thank you for being here and I'll try to always be here for you
Tom's Wife
Thanks TW! Actually - I have started the "one item" thing! But in a bigger way! LOL! I've been working in our basement this week and making amazing progress (for me). Four HUGE bags to the trash (I think the 59 gallon sized bags!) and 2 bags for the thrift store up and in my car. The hardest part is carrying it all upstairs - but it has to come up and out sooner or later. I am giving myself all winter to clear out the basement.
Hubby has done model trains in the past. All in the basement. So I told him he has til December to decide what he wants to do with them.
a. box them up for storage.
b. give them all away
c. List them on Craig's list or ebay
d donate them
He didn't seem opposed to at least thinking about it. I do think he has come to accept that he probably is not going to get back feelings in his hands and can't really operate tiny little trains.
In the meantime, I am getting stuff cleaned up, sorted through and it really feels good. I have also decided that it will take 2 years to get this house ready to sell....so I am going forward with that as a plan. This winter to clean out the basement. Next spring to get the yard into shape. Summer will be the 3 car garage (I told him we will probably end up selling the ATV as we haven't been out on it at all this year.) Next fall will be the upstairs. And then we should be good after that.
While I know it will be a really slow process - it's a start. I think it's done me good to see my friend go through this.
And thanks for being here for me! Our weekend was just awful....but things seem to be turning back around this week. He has a lot of business meetings and I'm hiding out in the basement! It's the same old roller coaster....just I understand it a bit better!
Anonymous wrote:
Geez! I hope everyone is having a better day! My hubby has had the headaches, backpains, the ups and downs and of course, the driving like a crazy person (I do all the driving now when I am in the car). I just don't get why these men cannot get the fact through their heads that this disease is a road to self destruction and hurts everyone in their path. Well today is another day full of more ups and downs. All are in my thoughts and prayers, just remember to be strong and that it is their disease!
They are sort of like a tornado - going through life - ripping up the path of everyone around them.....and then we scurry around to make it all look normal and happy again......just to have the same tornado come ripping through again - huh? LOLOL!!!
Or I have this image of being on the front seat of a roller coaster...holding on for dear life...knowing that it's there in front of me, it's coming, it's going to upset my stomach and make me want to puke my guts out....anticipating the exact moment it's going to hit.....
Today, we are on a plateau. It's nice.
DW
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Tom's wife wrote:
For me, Tom is doing the swings - its my new term -- one day everything is great and he is as sweet as can be -- the next (tonight) he is clearly low and stupid and out of control and just so **#@ stupid, it drives me insane!
He tells me its because he doesn't want to go blind or lose a foot, but when I mention that he could die of a low-induced coma or heart attack - he tells me that he's not worried because I'll save him. Its enough to want to scream! When did I sign up to be a paramedic?
8/31/2009 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...
How is he doing? How are you doing?
Tom's Wife
Well, sorry I haven't been here to post! I've had a hard week - just not motivated to do a thing. So I hear you - I just want to scream! I think this past week it just hit me that we so need to downsize and move to a one level while we still can. What brought that on? Well, I spent a day with a friend who had a pulmanory embolism 3 years ago. She is in a walker. Her husband can barely breathe - they are a bit older - but are in the process of downsizing and moving and neither one of them can physically do it. She is giving things away right and left because she physically can't do anything else. It is beyond sad to watch her part with a lifetime of memories, momentos, furniture, collected dishes, etc.
And then I took a good look around this place and realized that sooner or later, I'm going to have to do the same thing! I can't just wiggle my nose and have it taken care of. But I just don't feel like dealing with any of it right now. Really bad attitude! LOL!!!
How is he doing? Not so great. His back was so bad yesterday that he could barely move. I'm going to guess it is his kidneys. He refused to call his doctor. I left the house for most of the day. I can't sit here and watch him be in so much pain. Nor can I stay here and play gopher girl for everything he wants. If he is not going to go see the doctor - I'm not going to play "nurse" for him. I agree - I don't recall signing up to be his personal paramedic!!!
9/02/2009 6:42 PM
Lilly said...
Just a thought:
Is he (or you) sure it's an optical migraine? When my husband's blood sugar is high, he gets really bad headaches. It also affects his vision. Sometimes, if blood sugar is very high, that person can't see anything.
Well, he has been having these for about 3 years now and when they first started, he did go see the doctor about them and the doc confirmed them and gave him a different medication to take for them - but he only takes this Rx after the optical migraine has started. Fortunately, he still has warning signs as to when they come on.
Note to self:
Yesterday, we were out and he was driving. Made a left hand turn from the far right (2 turn lanes) When he rounded the corner, instead of staying in the far right lane, he turned into the inside lane, cutting off the other driver - forcing him to go into the oncoming left turn lane. I said, "didn't you just cut that guy off?" and he said, "no, he pulled into the wrong lane so I just took this one".
He had not eaten anything in about 9 hours and I KNOW he was in the middle of a major low. I had offered him food several times and he turned it down. Think I need to quit going with him anywhere if he is going to do the driving. But then.....I don't recall signing up to be his chauffeur!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
optical migraines
I need to start recording when he has these so I can go back and see if there is a pattern. They seem to be coming on more frequently. He is having one this morning. He cannot see anything.
DW
DW
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A good week!
In response to Sue's comment:
I had to google "sharko" as I did not know this was another name for Charcot. Thanks for educating me!
Prepare yourself for the foot surgery. My hubby has had 1 and our MBR is on the upper floor. He got himself up there....and then I ran myself ragged running up and down stairs fetching things for him. I have already told him that if he has another foot operation, he is going to rent a hospital bed for the main floor! You are so accurate when you say there isn't a thing we can do for them. But oh! isn't it sad?
My hubby is out of town this week on a business trip and I am having a wonderfully quiet, peaceful week. I made a decision to accomplish absolutely nothing and am doing very well at meeting my goal for the week! LOL!!! Well, I am doing a bit of cleaning, and yardwork, changed all the beds - but all at my own leisure. I just so appreciate the quiet and peace when he is gone....and truly appreciate that he can still travel at this point. When he left on Monday, he was having such severe back pain that I thought he might cancel the trip. But he made it and there haven't been any crisis. It's been a really good week!
tomswife said...
Sue, I'm so sorry. The reason they don't want you to talk with the doctor is because they know they are wrong. They know the doctor will tell you what they are supposed to do. But we all know that's a losing battle anyway. When they are very high or very low, they are not reasonable -- it doesn't matter what is correct -- they are not in their right minds. So welcome to our club, thank goodness for DW, she is our leader in our "little" group of beleaguered wives who know what to do but never quite figure out how to do it.
Good luck!
tom's wife
Anonymous said...
Hi to all. I just read Sue's post... I am so sorry you have to go through this. Been there ... My husband is non-compliant, verbally abusive, on dialysis, waiting for a kidney. He now has "sharko", needs major surgery on his feet (with over a year for recovering for each foot), I am living the nightmare. All I can say is be strong, you know that this is his disease and no matter what you do, he has to make his own decisions. It drives me crazy, but really the truth is ... if he doesn't care enough about his own life, I cannot do a thing about it. You are in my prayers and thoughts!
I had to google "sharko" as I did not know this was another name for Charcot. Thanks for educating me!
Prepare yourself for the foot surgery. My hubby has had 1 and our MBR is on the upper floor. He got himself up there....and then I ran myself ragged running up and down stairs fetching things for him. I have already told him that if he has another foot operation, he is going to rent a hospital bed for the main floor! You are so accurate when you say there isn't a thing we can do for them. But oh! isn't it sad?
My hubby is out of town this week on a business trip and I am having a wonderfully quiet, peaceful week. I made a decision to accomplish absolutely nothing and am doing very well at meeting my goal for the week! LOL!!! Well, I am doing a bit of cleaning, and yardwork, changed all the beds - but all at my own leisure. I just so appreciate the quiet and peace when he is gone....and truly appreciate that he can still travel at this point. When he left on Monday, he was having such severe back pain that I thought he might cancel the trip. But he made it and there haven't been any crisis. It's been a really good week!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sue wrote:
My husband is the exact image of what you describe. He has high blood pressure and diabetes. He is very verbally abusive just to me every night. He drinks beer and says he can. (Can't ...it shoots his sugar through the sky) He is very agitated and likes to argue every night. Tells me I am not a good wife,etc. (All very unreasonable) Sometimes when he is having an "episode" he smells like ammonia. What is that? He does not smell fruity breathed. I have been to the marriage counselor, to his family and he doesn't do this to them. My kids and I have suffered for over 17 years with this hard headed man in denial. He is always nice in the morning. I do not know how to get him to test his sugar. He is Type II and on a pill which he says he doesn't need. Also, he is going off his BP meds. he says. He will not allow me to talk to his doctor. Why do they scream and rant? over the littles things? Even if I am pleasant, he starts on me twisting the words and making a fight;.I leave the house and pray. Will this ever stop? I think it is diabetes that is poorly managed. (His dad was a very noncomplient diabetic and I had no respect for him...very self centered and pompous.) Mean to my husband's mother.
I wish the doctors would talk to us!
God bless...and I will pray for all of us here.
I think I remember reading something about ammonia and kidney disease - you could probably google it.
Your husband sounds just like mine. That "twisting the words and making a fight" usually happens when mine is starting down a sugar drop. I have learned to say, "I'm hungry, can we go out to eat?" and if I can get food in him within 20 minutes - we usually avert the fight.
It also helped to have his meds all changed around.
Mine won't let me talk to his doctors either. But I made an appointment with a diabetic nurse at the clinic he goes to and was pretty straight forward with her about how miserable my life was. She got his doctor to call him in and that's when they changed his insulin shots around. Fortunately, he will take the shots and all the pills they give him.....he just continues to eat what and when he wants which doesn't help a thing!
My husband's father is a diabetic as well and I see the same things in him that you see in yours. I just pray my husband's son doesn't develop diabetes.....but he seems to be very likely to do just that.
Good luck!
DW
Monday, August 17, 2009
Obamacare for diabetics
This was an interesting article: Neo-Neocon
It shows the video where Obama says we should be taking care of the root cause of what causes amputations in diabetes, rather than performing the amputation.
So yes, a diabetic should diet, exercise, test their blood sugar numerous times a day. But that will not CURE the disease and there are still going to be those who need amputations. It may postpone or prolong the need for an amputation. But he said nothing about the plan's provisions for those who need an amputation
I really liked the paragraph that talks about how smoking is a huge risk factor in diabetic amputations. But Obama didn't mention this. Why? Proably because he's a smoker who hasn't been able to quit. How ironic! He is proposing a health care plan that would look at the root cause ofthe problem and ask people to fix that. Yet what is going to happen to him if he get's cancer from smoking all his life? He doesn't seem to want to quit.
So why should he ask a diabetic to eat healthy, exercise and test numerous times a day?
That just doesn't make sense to me.
Just a few of my random thoughts that this legislation probably should be something that each and every one of us - as the spouses of non-compliant diabetics - seriously start to listen to. Because you know our husbands are not going to start becoming compliant just because there's a reform in national healthcare!
I get the whole concept that taking care of yourself from an early age will reduce health care costs at a later age. But as the President of our nation, I think he should be the first to set the example and show everyone exactly how "easy" that is to do. He should give up smoking, stop eating red meat, and we should see him jogging 7 days a week And he should insist that his wife and daughters follow that example.
One of the things that scares me about the proposed legislation is the fact that it would limit healthcare to those over 55 and that's probably the diabetes category that needs the most care.
Aside from that.....will this mean that a doctor or his representative will now come into your home to make sure you are folloiwng their orders so that they can keep health care costs down? I get that from where he said, "monitors whether they're taking their medications in a timely fashion," How does he plan to monitor medications taken in a timely fashion?
DW
It shows the video where Obama says we should be taking care of the root cause of what causes amputations in diabetes, rather than performing the amputation.
So yes, a diabetic should diet, exercise, test their blood sugar numerous times a day. But that will not CURE the disease and there are still going to be those who need amputations. It may postpone or prolong the need for an amputation. But he said nothing about the plan's provisions for those who need an amputation
I really liked the paragraph that talks about how smoking is a huge risk factor in diabetic amputations. But Obama didn't mention this. Why? Proably because he's a smoker who hasn't been able to quit. How ironic! He is proposing a health care plan that would look at the root cause ofthe problem and ask people to fix that. Yet what is going to happen to him if he get's cancer from smoking all his life? He doesn't seem to want to quit.
So why should he ask a diabetic to eat healthy, exercise and test numerous times a day?
That just doesn't make sense to me.
Just a few of my random thoughts that this legislation probably should be something that each and every one of us - as the spouses of non-compliant diabetics - seriously start to listen to. Because you know our husbands are not going to start becoming compliant just because there's a reform in national healthcare!
I get the whole concept that taking care of yourself from an early age will reduce health care costs at a later age. But as the President of our nation, I think he should be the first to set the example and show everyone exactly how "easy" that is to do. He should give up smoking, stop eating red meat, and we should see him jogging 7 days a week And he should insist that his wife and daughters follow that example.
One of the things that scares me about the proposed legislation is the fact that it would limit healthcare to those over 55 and that's probably the diabetes category that needs the most care.
Aside from that.....will this mean that a doctor or his representative will now come into your home to make sure you are folloiwng their orders so that they can keep health care costs down? I get that from where he said, "monitors whether they're taking their medications in a timely fashion," How does he plan to monitor medications taken in a timely fashion?
DW
You can only do one thing at a time
Tom's wife wrote: I'm sorry, it just never ends, does it? I don't want to bore you, but my husband's brother (45 years old) came out of drug rehab and decided he would try to live with us. This was against my better judgement because I was not convinced he really wanted to be clean and figured our house may be a place to get away with more of the same.
Anyway, he lasted two weeks, and when my husband and I told him that he had to participate in some type of program in order to stay - he freaked out. complained to his family that I kicked him out -- another brother just kept telling us to ask him to pee in a cup and have him drug tested. his mother said, just go to meetings with him.
with everything I do for my diabetic husband (which they just don't fully comprehend) I just can't take on the intense care needed for another adult man - who may or may not want to really be helping himself.
I'm feeling ok my decisions but the last 3 weeks have been really hard. Now I'm going away for a week of business and it will be a difficult week of long days of meetings, but I'll glad to be along in that hotel room every nite with no one to take care of but me!
thinking of you
Tom's Wife
My mom is pretty funny with some of her quotes. One she likes to use is "everyone puts their pants on the same way - one leg at a time". The other is "you can only do one thing at a time".
And while I often try to do more than one thing at a time (type on the computer and talk on the phone is a good example) I usually make a mistake either talking or typing when I try that!
Tom's wife - you really can't be expected to do more than be there for Tom. You certainly can't allow anyone to guilt you into taking care of anyone else. I was going to say "right now"......but I think I will change that to "ever". I think once I am done caring or my husband...I will have nothing left to give to anyone else.
And I agree with you totally. No one really understands how much goes into taking care of someone who has diabetes. It's almost endless. Or should I say it's constant? Even when you are gone traveling on business - you don't stop caring, calling, checking in, making sure all is well, etc. But I also know the true rest that can come while completely alone in a hotel room. Almost worth $100 to get away one night a week!
While my hubby doesn't travel much any more, he is going to travel next week and suddenly, I am looking forward to a week here alone.
Hang in there. You made a good choice in refusing to care for his brother. One at a time is more than enough!
Linda wrote:
I am new to this -went looking for something on the internet in the form of support. My husband has been a diabetic for over 30 years, had a lower left leg amputation in 2003 and is currently fighting an infection on his right foot (that in itself is a very long story). It is coming along but on Monday his blood sugar was so low that I ended up calling 911. I have not been at ease since. Scared me to death, for sure. Praying alot. I will keep reading this blog. Thank you - I feel so overwhelmed at times.
Linda, my suggestion is that you seek professional counseling. I know you must be really scared that he is going to die or something worse is going to happen....but I think you need to mentally prepare yourself for this. Because it's going to happen sooner or later. He might live for quite some time, but he could go tomorrow and as scary as that is, I think each one of us has to prepare ourselves for that very fact.
My husband had an angina attack in May and still hasn't been to see a doctor for that. It's usually a "warning" that a heart attack could happen or a stroke. I waffle between denial (since his has been doing so well) and reality (because he did have an agina attack).
I pray a lot, too. I think the praying helps calm me down - mabye like meditation. It centers me. And I think we all feel overwhelmed most of the time. It's just such a horrible disease. They can go so low, at the drop of a pen. So fast, and you don't have a moment to prepare yourself. You can be engaged in normal every day living one moment and the next moment, the ambulance is at your door and you are on the way to the hospital. It's so nerve-wracking.
I have days when I think I should wipe my calendar clear and just wait But the therapist I saw told me not to do that. She said that I needed to have something to do to keep me busy every day. That I needed to get a job, volunteer, teach, get out of the house, go somewhere - keep myself busy I took her advice and I think it was good. But I still have moments when I think I should quit everything that I do and be here just for him. I'm sort of glad I didn't take that path
Hope you can get past this and back to a more normal life.
DW
Friday, August 14, 2009
Parkinsons? Or neuropathy?
We went to dinner tonight and when he went to cut his steak, his right hand just started shaking violently. It's hard to describe but I had never seen anything like it before. He laid his hand down on the table, used his left hand to remove the fork from his right hand and let it just lay there. When he went to pick up his fork again, it was still shaking, but much better.
It truly looked like an extremely severe case of parkinsons. I asked him about it. He said that there are no nerves left and sometimes, it depends on the angle of his hand when he picks up his fork, it will just shake like that. He just has to rest it, change the angle and start over.
Scared the crap out of me! I was just glad he didn't have a sharp knife in that hand...he could have cut himself.
I just have to wonder, "what next?" Sigh.
DW
It truly looked like an extremely severe case of parkinsons. I asked him about it. He said that there are no nerves left and sometimes, it depends on the angle of his hand when he picks up his fork, it will just shake like that. He just has to rest it, change the angle and start over.
Scared the crap out of me! I was just glad he didn't have a sharp knife in that hand...he could have cut himself.
I just have to wonder, "what next?" Sigh.
DW
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
It was a great trip
Yes, I'm back. Was gone 3 weeks. And I have decided that I can't be gone for more than 2 at a time - just too much left unattended here at home while I'm gone.
But I did come back refreshed and renewed. I had a wonderful time - 1/3 at an art conference, 1/3 with family and reunions, 1/3 at a girlfriend's house for a true get-away. I crammed way too much into a short timeframe, but it sure was fun!
The infection in his knee seems to be improving. He had a horrible day yesterday, but today was much better. You can actually literally see the pain in his face these days.
So, my next "problem". I know that we need to downsize and move into a 1 level place before he gets to the point where he can't make the move. But how do I convince him that we need to make the move now? I can totally see a time in our not too distant future where he is going to be unable to do stairs and we are going to have a dialysis machine in our home. He does not see that and doesn't think it's going to happen for years.
We have over 2/3 acre here and I have huge flower beds that I can't really keep up with any more. He can't help at all. I'm managing to get in an hour or 2 every morning....but I see no end in sight and keep thinking that I can't keep up this pace but a couple more years, if that! And no, I can't plow them under or plant grass.....just wouldn't work for the terrain tha we have.
And for the record, he still has not been to see a doctor about the angina attack he had back in May. I'm sure he's not going to go.
DW
But I did come back refreshed and renewed. I had a wonderful time - 1/3 at an art conference, 1/3 with family and reunions, 1/3 at a girlfriend's house for a true get-away. I crammed way too much into a short timeframe, but it sure was fun!
The infection in his knee seems to be improving. He had a horrible day yesterday, but today was much better. You can actually literally see the pain in his face these days.
So, my next "problem". I know that we need to downsize and move into a 1 level place before he gets to the point where he can't make the move. But how do I convince him that we need to make the move now? I can totally see a time in our not too distant future where he is going to be unable to do stairs and we are going to have a dialysis machine in our home. He does not see that and doesn't think it's going to happen for years.
We have over 2/3 acre here and I have huge flower beds that I can't really keep up with any more. He can't help at all. I'm managing to get in an hour or 2 every morning....but I see no end in sight and keep thinking that I can't keep up this pace but a couple more years, if that! And no, I can't plow them under or plant grass.....just wouldn't work for the terrain tha we have.
And for the record, he still has not been to see a doctor about the angina attack he had back in May. I'm sure he's not going to go.
DW
Monday, August 10, 2009
Just an update
He has had a bad infection in his left knee and left wrist for the last 4 days. Yesterday he started having an infection in his right knee and said his back hurt so bad he could hardly sit.
Today, he sat in the recliner with a heating pad on his left knee.
I asked him tonight if he thought maybe it was time to go see a doctor and he said, "maybe in a few days or so" - which translated simply means that he's going to wait at least a week and see if the pain is any better.
I've started back doing yardwork - 2 or 3 hours every morning. Someone has to do it. And he simply can't.
DW
Today, he sat in the recliner with a heating pad on his left knee.
I asked him tonight if he thought maybe it was time to go see a doctor and he said, "maybe in a few days or so" - which translated simply means that he's going to wait at least a week and see if the pain is any better.
I've started back doing yardwork - 2 or 3 hours every morning. Someone has to do it. And he simply can't.
DW
Thursday, August 06, 2009
My sister
is perhaps the best monitor of what's going on with my husband. She only sees him once every couple of months.....not every day like I do. So when there are gradual changes in him physically - she notices them. Simply because they are so gradual, I'm unaware of them.
She was down today and commented on his labored breathing. I had not noticed that at all....until she mentioned it. He is still suffering from an infection in both knees and his left wrist and I had to wonder if the labored breathing is just part of his pain level. She didn't think so. She thinks it's due to his weight which I am going to guess is up to about 300# at this point. Might be around 275.
She also pointed out how often he said today that I was never around....that I was always traveling....that he missed me when I wasn't here. Well, we have both been traveling more this year in the past...but it's not just me. He was in gone a week on business, then 3 weeks at his parent's house and now he is going to be gone a week or 2 on business.....and I was gone 3 weeks on business. So yeah...we haven't been together much in the last 3 months, but it's interesting that he sees it as just me being gone! LOL!!
He did pass on dessert tonight and said that he has learned sugar brings on his joint infections and irritate them and I thought that was great! I think this is the first time he has passed on dessert. At the same time, it's an indicator that the pain is substantial enough that he's willing to make changes in his diet to improve it. That's good!
She was down today and commented on his labored breathing. I had not noticed that at all....until she mentioned it. He is still suffering from an infection in both knees and his left wrist and I had to wonder if the labored breathing is just part of his pain level. She didn't think so. She thinks it's due to his weight which I am going to guess is up to about 300# at this point. Might be around 275.
She also pointed out how often he said today that I was never around....that I was always traveling....that he missed me when I wasn't here. Well, we have both been traveling more this year in the past...but it's not just me. He was in gone a week on business, then 3 weeks at his parent's house and now he is going to be gone a week or 2 on business.....and I was gone 3 weeks on business. So yeah...we haven't been together much in the last 3 months, but it's interesting that he sees it as just me being gone! LOL!!
He did pass on dessert tonight and said that he has learned sugar brings on his joint infections and irritate them and I thought that was great! I think this is the first time he has passed on dessert. At the same time, it's an indicator that the pain is substantial enough that he's willing to make changes in his diet to improve it. That's good!
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
more infections
I've been traveling and teaching the past few weeks and am back home. He actually did pretty well while I was gone. Only a couple of minor crisis! But he has a pretty bad infection in his left knee and left wrist and a really bad looking spot on his left ankle. I honestly don't know how the poor guy manages to move at all.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Type 2 Diabetes IS A DISEASE!!!
Anonymous made a comment to my blog "My inacurate picture"
I think there is something major wrong with "anonymous" who obviously did not read all of the previous post. The discussion was an argument from a diabetic that diabetes is not a disease. It does not matter whether you have type 1 or type 2.....any type of diabetes is a DISEASE.
Disease:
1. a pathological condition of a part, organ or system of an organism resulting from various causes such as infection, genetic defect or environmental stress and characterized by an identifiable gorup of signs or smptoms.
Tell me what part of Type 2 Diabetes does not meet that description?
2. an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning.
Hmmm.....I think it meets that definition as well.
Now, I realize anyone can find a thousand websites that will say that diabetes is not a disease....but each one of those sites fail to give you a dictionary definition of what a disease is. Go figure!!!
Wikipedia calls both types a disease
Answers.com calls type 2 a disease
I could go on forever. Whoever it is that doesn't want you to understand that you have a DISEASE needs help. The first part of any process to get past grief is to acknowledge that you have a disease. As long as you are in denial...how do you expect to recover. And anyone assisting you - keeping you in that state of denial is not helping you one bit at all.
Perhaps if ALL diabetics realized that they are dealing with a DISEASE.....they might start to understand the serious complications it can cause.
And perhaps the anonymous writer would like to explain to me how type 2 cannot be considered a disease when the CDC - a national agency - says that it is!
If you have this DISEASE....I suggest that rather than try to prove me right or wrong on a topic....you READ, READ, READ.
And quit trying to argue your way out of this disease. You have it. Admit it. Deal with it. Get on with life!!!
oh, if you were just trying to make sure I understood type 2 is not an autoimmune disorder....oh duh! You really really really think I don't know that? I think you just made yourself look completely illiterate. :o
Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disorder
Type 2 diabetes is not
Just to clarify
I think there is something major wrong with "anonymous" who obviously did not read all of the previous post. The discussion was an argument from a diabetic that diabetes is not a disease. It does not matter whether you have type 1 or type 2.....any type of diabetes is a DISEASE.
Disease:
1. a pathological condition of a part, organ or system of an organism resulting from various causes such as infection, genetic defect or environmental stress and characterized by an identifiable gorup of signs or smptoms.
Tell me what part of Type 2 Diabetes does not meet that description?
2. an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning.
Hmmm.....I think it meets that definition as well.
Now, I realize anyone can find a thousand websites that will say that diabetes is not a disease....but each one of those sites fail to give you a dictionary definition of what a disease is. Go figure!!!
Wikipedia calls both types a disease
Answers.com calls type 2 a disease
I could go on forever. Whoever it is that doesn't want you to understand that you have a DISEASE needs help. The first part of any process to get past grief is to acknowledge that you have a disease. As long as you are in denial...how do you expect to recover. And anyone assisting you - keeping you in that state of denial is not helping you one bit at all.
Perhaps if ALL diabetics realized that they are dealing with a DISEASE.....they might start to understand the serious complications it can cause.
And perhaps the anonymous writer would like to explain to me how type 2 cannot be considered a disease when the CDC - a national agency - says that it is!
If you have this DISEASE....I suggest that rather than try to prove me right or wrong on a topic....you READ, READ, READ.
And quit trying to argue your way out of this disease. You have it. Admit it. Deal with it. Get on with life!!!
oh, if you were just trying to make sure I understood type 2 is not an autoimmune disorder....oh duh! You really really really think I don't know that? I think you just made yourself look completely illiterate. :o
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