Tom's wife wrote:
For me, Tom is doing the swings - its my new term -- one day everything is great and he is as sweet as can be -- the next (tonight) he is clearly low and stupid and out of control and just so **#@ stupid, it drives me insane!

He tells me its because he doesn't want to go blind or lose a foot, but when I mention that he could die of a low-induced coma or heart attack - he tells me that he's not worried because I'll save him. Its enough to want to scream! When did I sign up to be a paramedic?


8/31/2009 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...
How is he doing? How are you doing?
Tom's Wife

Well, sorry I haven't been here to post! I've had a hard week - just not motivated to do a thing. So I hear you - I just want to scream! I think this past week it just hit me that we so need to downsize and move to a one level while we still can. What brought that on? Well, I spent a day with a friend who had a pulmanory embolism 3 years ago. She is in a walker. Her husband can barely breathe - they are a bit older - but are in the process of downsizing and moving and neither one of them can physically do it. She is giving things away right and left because she physically can't do anything else. It is beyond sad to watch her part with a lifetime of memories, momentos, furniture, collected dishes, etc.

And then I took a good look around this place and realized that sooner or later, I'm going to have to do the same thing! I can't just wiggle my nose and have it taken care of. But I just don't feel like dealing with any of it right now. Really bad attitude! LOL!!!

How is he doing? Not so great. His back was so bad yesterday that he could barely move. I'm going to guess it is his kidneys. He refused to call his doctor. I left the house for most of the day. I can't sit here and watch him be in so much pain. Nor can I stay here and play gopher girl for everything he wants. If he is not going to go see the doctor - I'm not going to play "nurse" for him. I agree - I don't recall signing up to be his personal paramedic!!!

9/02/2009 6:42 PM
Lilly said...
Just a thought:
Is he (or you) sure it's an optical migraine? When my husband's blood sugar is high, he gets really bad headaches. It also affects his vision. Sometimes, if blood sugar is very high, that person can't see anything.

Well, he has been having these for about 3 years now and when they first started, he did go see the doctor about them and the doc confirmed them and gave him a different medication to take for them - but he only takes this Rx after the optical migraine has started. Fortunately, he still has warning signs as to when they come on.

Note to self:

Yesterday, we were out and he was driving. Made a left hand turn from the far right (2 turn lanes) When he rounded the corner, instead of staying in the far right lane, he turned into the inside lane, cutting off the other driver - forcing him to go into the oncoming left turn lane. I said, "didn't you just cut that guy off?" and he said, "no, he pulled into the wrong lane so I just took this one".

He had not eaten anything in about 9 hours and I KNOW he was in the middle of a major low. I had offered him food several times and he turned it down. Think I need to quit going with him anywhere if he is going to do the driving. But then.....I don't recall signing up to be his chauffeur!

optical migraines

I need to start recording when he has these so I can go back and see if there is a pattern. They seem to be coming on more frequently. He is having one this morning. He cannot see anything.

DW

A good week!

In response to Sue's comment:

tomswife said...
Sue, I'm so sorry. The reason they don't want you to talk with the doctor is because they know they are wrong. They know the doctor will tell you what they are supposed to do. But we all know that's a losing battle anyway. When they are very high or very low, they are not reasonable -- it doesn't matter what is correct -- they are not in their right minds. So welcome to our club, thank goodness for DW, she is our leader in our "little" group of beleaguered wives who know what to do but never quite figure out how to do it.

Good luck!

tom's wife




Anonymous said...
Hi to all. I just read Sue's post... I am so sorry you have to go through this. Been there ... My husband is non-compliant, verbally abusive, on dialysis, waiting for a kidney. He now has "sharko", needs major surgery on his feet (with over a year for recovering for each foot), I am living the nightmare. All I can say is be strong, you know that this is his disease and no matter what you do, he has to make his own decisions. It drives me crazy, but really the truth is ... if he doesn't care enough about his own life, I cannot do a thing about it. You are in my prayers and thoughts!

I had to google "sharko" as I did not know this was another name for Charcot. Thanks for educating me!

Prepare yourself for the foot surgery. My hubby has had 1 and our MBR is on the upper floor. He got himself up there....and then I ran myself ragged running up and down stairs fetching things for him. I have already told him that if he has another foot operation, he is going to rent a hospital bed for the main floor! You are so accurate when you say there isn't a thing we can do for them. But oh! isn't it sad?

My hubby is out of town this week on a business trip and I am having a wonderfully quiet, peaceful week. I made a decision to accomplish absolutely nothing and am doing very well at meeting my goal for the week! LOL!!! Well, I am doing a bit of cleaning, and yardwork, changed all the beds - but all at my own leisure. I just so appreciate the quiet and peace when he is gone....and truly appreciate that he can still travel at this point. When he left on Monday, he was having such severe back pain that I thought he might cancel the trip. But he made it and there haven't been any crisis. It's been a really good week!

Sue wrote:

My husband is the exact image of what you describe. He has high blood pressure and diabetes. He is very verbally abusive just to me every night. He drinks beer and says he can. (Can't ...it shoots his sugar through the sky) He is very agitated and likes to argue every night. Tells me I am not a good wife,etc. (All very unreasonable) Sometimes when he is having an "episode" he smells like ammonia. What is that? He does not smell fruity breathed. I have been to the marriage counselor, to his family and he doesn't do this to them. My kids and I have suffered for over 17 years with this hard headed man in denial. He is always nice in the morning. I do not know how to get him to test his sugar. He is Type II and on a pill which he says he doesn't need. Also, he is going off his BP meds. he says. He will not allow me to talk to his doctor. Why do they scream and rant? over the littles things? Even if I am pleasant, he starts on me twisting the words and making a fight;.I leave the house and pray. Will this ever stop? I think it is diabetes that is poorly managed. (His dad was a very noncomplient diabetic and I had no respect for him...very self centered and pompous.) Mean to my husband's mother.
I wish the doctors would talk to us!
God bless...and I will pray for all of us here.

I think I remember reading something about ammonia and kidney disease - you could probably google it.

Your husband sounds just like mine. That "twisting the words and making a fight" usually happens when mine is starting down a sugar drop. I have learned to say, "I'm hungry, can we go out to eat?" and if I can get food in him within 20 minutes - we usually avert the fight.

It also helped to have his meds all changed around.

Mine won't let me talk to his doctors either. But I made an appointment with a diabetic nurse at the clinic he goes to and was pretty straight forward with her about how miserable my life was. She got his doctor to call him in and that's when they changed his insulin shots around. Fortunately, he will take the shots and all the pills they give him.....he just continues to eat what and when he wants which doesn't help a thing!

My husband's father is a diabetic as well and I see the same things in him that you see in yours. I just pray my husband's son doesn't develop diabetes.....but he seems to be very likely to do just that.

Good luck!

DW

Obamacare for diabetics

This was an interesting article: Neo-Neocon

It shows the video where Obama says we should be taking care of the root cause of what causes amputations in diabetes, rather than performing the amputation.

So yes, a diabetic should diet, exercise, test their blood sugar numerous times a day. But that will not CURE the disease and there are still going to be those who need amputations. It may postpone or prolong the need for an amputation. But he said nothing about the plan's provisions for those who need an amputation

I really liked the paragraph that talks about how smoking is a huge risk factor in diabetic amputations. But Obama didn't mention this. Why? Proably because he's a smoker who hasn't been able to quit. How ironic! He is proposing a health care plan that would look at the root cause ofthe problem and ask people to fix that. Yet what is going to happen to him if he get's cancer from smoking all his life? He doesn't seem to want to quit.

So why should he ask a diabetic to eat healthy, exercise and test numerous times a day?

That just doesn't make sense to me.

Just a few of my random thoughts that this legislation probably should be something that each and every one of us - as the spouses of non-compliant diabetics - seriously start to listen to. Because you know our husbands are not going to start becoming compliant just because there's a reform in national healthcare!

I get the whole concept that taking care of yourself from an early age will reduce health care costs at a later age. But as the President of our nation, I think he should be the first to set the example and show everyone exactly how "easy" that is to do. He should give up smoking, stop eating red meat, and we should see him jogging 7 days a week And he should insist that his wife and daughters follow that example.

One of the things that scares me about the proposed legislation is the fact that it would limit healthcare to those over 55 and that's probably the diabetes category that needs the most care.

Aside from that.....will this mean that a doctor or his representative will now come into your home to make sure you are folloiwng their orders so that they can keep health care costs down? I get that from where he said, "monitors whether they're taking their medications in a timely fashion," How does he plan to monitor medications taken in a timely fashion?

DW

You can only do one thing at a time

Tom's wife wrote: I'm sorry, it just never ends, does it? I don't want to bore you, but my husband's brother (45 years old) came out of drug rehab and decided he would try to live with us. This was against my better judgement because I was not convinced he really wanted to be clean and figured our house may be a place to get away with more of the same.

Anyway, he lasted two weeks, and when my husband and I told him that he had to participate in some type of program in order to stay - he freaked out. complained to his family that I kicked him out -- another brother just kept telling us to ask him to pee in a cup and have him drug tested. his mother said, just go to meetings with him.

with everything I do for my diabetic husband (which they just don't fully comprehend) I just can't take on the intense care needed for another adult man - who may or may not want to really be helping himself.

I'm feeling ok my decisions but the last 3 weeks have been really hard. Now I'm going away for a week of business and it will be a difficult week of long days of meetings, but I'll glad to be along in that hotel room every nite with no one to take care of but me!

thinking of you

Tom's Wife

My mom is pretty funny with some of her quotes. One she likes to use is "everyone puts their pants on the same way - one leg at a time". The other is "you can only do one thing at a time".

And while I often try to do more than one thing at a time (type on the computer and talk on the phone is a good example) I usually make a mistake either talking or typing when I try that!

Tom's wife - you really can't be expected to do more than be there for Tom. You certainly can't allow anyone to guilt you into taking care of anyone else. I was going to say "right now"......but I think I will change that to "ever". I think once I am done caring or my husband...I will have nothing left to give to anyone else.

And I agree with you totally. No one really understands how much goes into taking care of someone who has diabetes. It's almost endless. Or should I say it's constant? Even when you are gone traveling on business - you don't stop caring, calling, checking in, making sure all is well, etc. But I also know the true rest that can come while completely alone in a hotel room. Almost worth $100 to get away one night a week!

While my hubby doesn't travel much any more, he is going to travel next week and suddenly, I am looking forward to a week here alone.

Hang in there. You made a good choice in refusing to care for his brother. One at a time is more than enough!

Linda wrote:

I am new to this -went looking for something on the internet in the form of support. My husband has been a diabetic for over 30 years, had a lower left leg amputation in 2003 and is currently fighting an infection on his right foot (that in itself is a very long story). It is coming along but on Monday his blood sugar was so low that I ended up calling 911. I have not been at ease since. Scared me to death, for sure. Praying alot. I will keep reading this blog. Thank you - I feel so overwhelmed at times.

Linda, my suggestion is that you seek professional counseling. I know you must be really scared that he is going to die or something worse is going to happen....but I think you need to mentally prepare yourself for this. Because it's going to happen sooner or later. He might live for quite some time, but he could go tomorrow and as scary as that is, I think each one of us has to prepare ourselves for that very fact.

My husband had an angina attack in May and still hasn't been to see a doctor for that. It's usually a "warning" that a heart attack could happen or a stroke. I waffle between denial (since his has been doing so well) and reality (because he did have an agina attack).

I pray a lot, too. I think the praying helps calm me down - mabye like meditation. It centers me. And I think we all feel overwhelmed most of the time. It's just such a horrible disease. They can go so low, at the drop of a pen. So fast, and you don't have a moment to prepare yourself. You can be engaged in normal every day living one moment and the next moment, the ambulance is at your door and you are on the way to the hospital. It's so nerve-wracking.

I have days when I think I should wipe my calendar clear and just wait But the therapist I saw told me not to do that. She said that I needed to have something to do to keep me busy every day. That I needed to get a job, volunteer, teach, get out of the house, go somewhere - keep myself busy I took her advice and I think it was good. But I still have moments when I think I should quit everything that I do and be here just for him. I'm sort of glad I didn't take that path

Hope you can get past this and back to a more normal life.

DW

Parkinsons? Or neuropathy?

We went to dinner tonight and when he went to cut his steak, his right hand just started shaking violently. It's hard to describe but I had never seen anything like it before. He laid his hand down on the table, used his left hand to remove the fork from his right hand and let it just lay there. When he went to pick up his fork again, it was still shaking, but much better.

It truly looked like an extremely severe case of parkinsons. I asked him about it. He said that there are no nerves left and sometimes, it depends on the angle of his hand when he picks up his fork, it will just shake like that. He just has to rest it, change the angle and start over.

Scared the crap out of me! I was just glad he didn't have a sharp knife in that hand...he could have cut himself.

I just have to wonder, "what next?" Sigh.

DW

It was a great trip

Yes, I'm back. Was gone 3 weeks. And I have decided that I can't be gone for more than 2 at a time - just too much left unattended here at home while I'm gone.

But I did come back refreshed and renewed. I had a wonderful time - 1/3 at an art conference, 1/3 with family and reunions, 1/3 at a girlfriend's house for a true get-away. I crammed way too much into a short timeframe, but it sure was fun!

The infection in his knee seems to be improving. He had a horrible day yesterday, but today was much better. You can actually literally see the pain in his face these days.

So, my next "problem". I know that we need to downsize and move into a 1 level place before he gets to the point where he can't make the move. But how do I convince him that we need to make the move now? I can totally see a time in our not too distant future where he is going to be unable to do stairs and we are going to have a dialysis machine in our home. He does not see that and doesn't think it's going to happen for years.

We have over 2/3 acre here and I have huge flower beds that I can't really keep up with any more. He can't help at all. I'm managing to get in an hour or 2 every morning....but I see no end in sight and keep thinking that I can't keep up this pace but a couple more years, if that! And no, I can't plow them under or plant grass.....just wouldn't work for the terrain tha we have.

And for the record, he still has not been to see a doctor about the angina attack he had back in May. I'm sure he's not going to go.

DW

Just an update

He has had a bad infection in his left knee and left wrist for the last 4 days. Yesterday he started having an infection in his right knee and said his back hurt so bad he could hardly sit.

Today, he sat in the recliner with a heating pad on his left knee.

I asked him tonight if he thought maybe it was time to go see a doctor and he said, "maybe in a few days or so" - which translated simply means that he's going to wait at least a week and see if the pain is any better.

I've started back doing yardwork - 2 or 3 hours every morning. Someone has to do it. And he simply can't.

DW

My sister

is perhaps the best monitor of what's going on with my husband. She only sees him once every couple of months.....not every day like I do. So when there are gradual changes in him physically - she notices them. Simply because they are so gradual, I'm unaware of them.

She was down today and commented on his labored breathing. I had not noticed that at all....until she mentioned it. He is still suffering from an infection in both knees and his left wrist and I had to wonder if the labored breathing is just part of his pain level. She didn't think so. She thinks it's due to his weight which I am going to guess is up to about 300# at this point. Might be around 275.

She also pointed out how often he said today that I was never around....that I was always traveling....that he missed me when I wasn't here. Well, we have both been traveling more this year in the past...but it's not just me. He was in gone a week on business, then 3 weeks at his parent's house and now he is going to be gone a week or 2 on business.....and I was gone 3 weeks on business. So yeah...we haven't been together much in the last 3 months, but it's interesting that he sees it as just me being gone! LOL!!

He did pass on dessert tonight and said that he has learned sugar brings on his joint infections and irritate them and I thought that was great! I think this is the first time he has passed on dessert. At the same time, it's an indicator that the pain is substantial enough that he's willing to make changes in his diet to improve it. That's good!

more infections

I've been traveling and teaching the past few weeks and am back home. He actually did pretty well while I was gone. Only a couple of minor crisis! But he has a pretty bad infection in his left knee and left wrist and a really bad looking spot on his left ankle. I honestly don't know how the poor guy manages to move at all.

Type 2 Diabetes IS A DISEASE!!!

Anonymous made a comment to my blog "My inacurate picture"

Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disorder

Type 2 diabetes is not

Just to clarify

I think there is something major wrong with "anonymous" who obviously did not read all of the previous post. The discussion was an argument from a diabetic that diabetes is not a disease. It does not matter whether you have type 1 or type 2.....any type of diabetes is a DISEASE.

Disease:

1. a pathological condition of a part, organ or system of an organism resulting from various causes such as infection, genetic defect or environmental stress and characterized by an identifiable gorup of signs or smptoms.

Tell me what part of Type 2 Diabetes does not meet that description?

2. an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning.

Hmmm.....I think it meets that definition as well.

Now, I realize anyone can find a thousand websites that will say that diabetes is not a disease....but each one of those sites fail to give you a dictionary definition of what a disease is. Go figure!!!

Wikipedia calls both types a disease

Answers.com calls type 2 a disease

I could go on forever. Whoever it is that doesn't want you to understand that you have a DISEASE needs help. The first part of any process to get past grief is to acknowledge that you have a disease. As long as you are in denial...how do you expect to recover. And anyone assisting you - keeping you in that state of denial is not helping you one bit at all.

Perhaps if ALL diabetics realized that they are dealing with a DISEASE.....they might start to understand the serious complications it can cause.

And perhaps the anonymous writer would like to explain to me how type 2 cannot be considered a disease when the CDC - a national agency - says that it is!

If you have this DISEASE....I suggest that rather than try to prove me right or wrong on a topic....you READ, READ, READ.

And quit trying to argue your way out of this disease. You have it. Admit it. Deal with it. Get on with life!!!

oh, if you were just trying to make sure I understood type 2 is not an autoimmune disorder....oh duh! You really really really think I don't know that? I think you just made yourself look completely illiterate. :o

How a "high" might be a "low"

Jim wrote:

You said:
"Why is it that so often when they go low, they think they are high? I wonder with neuropahy and their lack of sensation....do the sensations they have get mixed up?"

I'm only a Type 2 diabetic, but I've experienced many extreme lows and a few extreme highs. At either extreme, my thinking get so muddled that I don't know what's going on.

Thank you Jim for explaining that. It would explain why somone who is low might think they are high and vice versa.

thank you thank you thank you. you are now my haven. and yes, he was "just fine" today. when I asked him (he got up and went to work before I woke up) he wondered why I would ask. He goes through an episode like that and wakes up feeling terrific having had a wonderfully deep sleep. Its so unfair!

But now it is Friday, and I plan on sleeping as much this weekend as possible.

take care,
tom's wife

Well, I'm glad to here he is better. And I hope you get tons of rest this weekend!



I will be gone starting tomorrow until the second week of August. I will check in if/when possible. May each of you have a joyful, stressless summer!

DW

Dear Tom's wife

For all of you who think I make this stuff up, read her post:

I'm so glad that works for you. As for me, I wrote to you earlier this week that my dh had two low sugar twice while driving with me during the last 7 days. Well, last night he had a MAJOR low. I got home about 9:30 pm and didn't realize at first that he was low, he chatted (a little more than usual - I should have figured it out based on that :|) But then I looked at his eyes and realized he was low and asked him to check his blood. He did and told me it was 135. I believed him (why am I so stupid?) As it got to 11 pm he just kept getting worse, saying weirder and weirder things.

So I tried to get him to test again, but he said his glucose monitor was broken and he wouldn't let me get close to his pump which has a testing device on it. I couldn't find a spare device either.

Frankly, he is just too strong for me and I can't fight him. But I don't need to test him to know he is low -- his behavior and the way he looks is enough for me. something is terribly wrong.

So, I told him if everything was broken I would take him to the hospital, they have working devices. No, that wasn't ok with him. so, I said I would call 911. No, that's not ok. So I gave him OJ. He threw it on the floor. Was I trying to kill him? too much sugar is the problem -- he thinks he is high.

well, I have seen him high and I've seen him low, and let me tell you. He was low -- very low.

Finally we got what MAYBE was a fairly accurate test and this was about 20 minutes after maybe 4 oz of OJ. His glucose was 53.

Then he decided it was 11 pm and time for bed. So he turned off all the lights and went to bed. Ignoring me completely. Frankly, I don't know how he made it up the stairs, I thought he was going to fall back down.

But I stayed calm, he kept asking me what time it was, what day it was, and even what year it was. Geez. by this time, I'm exhausted, my work is really stressful right now, my father is dying of cancer, and my mom is really depressed. why does he do this what always seems like the worst times to me?

So he went to sleep and was up all night making sure he was alive. I know I'm not supposed to do that. That if he chooses to do this to himself I can't change this. but, its just so hard.

thanks for letting me "talk" to someone who really understands. when I told my sister a shortened version all she said was, this is really old isn't it. I didn't hear much sympathy in her voice. Nor, as you reference, much humor.

thank you for giving me the forum to share.

You poor dear! Yes, it does get really really really old....but that doesn't mean it is going to go away or get better or get easier. And yes, you are not supposed to stay awake all night long to see if he is alive or dead. But when you love someone, how can you not stay awake and worry? It's like second nature. It's what we do.

You didn't mention how he was today. I hope better. Why is it that so often when they go low, they think they are high? I wonder with neuropahy and their lack of sensation....do the sensations they have get mixed up? That would seem to make sense.

I really want to move to a ranch house. Stairs scare me to death. One low and he could go tumbling down and break his neck. Other's may laugh and pass it off...but I really do understand what it's like as you watch their every step, wondering if it will be their last.

The sad thing is that one of these days, it will be their last. Brought on quicker than necessary because they refuse to take care of themselves. My blessing at the moment is that I don't work. So if I'm up all night long, I can usually get in an afternoon nap. I don't know how you mangage to go to work every day. I'll keep you in my prayers!

DW

Maybe this is the answer......

I don't know, but I'm sitting here giggling. I have given my husband a HUGE project to do. I'm off to present at an international conference next week and I actually managed to put together a movie with 16 tutorials in it. So I asked him if he could produce it as a DVD with titles, chapters....just like a real DVD. And that I would put his name in the credits as "producer".

He has been so happy all week! He bought some new equipment that writes the title right on the cover of the DVD and of course, it was too long for a normal DVD so he ordered in some new dual layer DVDs. He has had setbacks...but he has kept at it and today managed to get 10 done and they are just perfect!

So maybe the answer is to load him up with tons and tons of things to do that he enjoys (he loves anything to do with animation and movies) and he won't have time to get "low". It seems to have worked for the past 4 days!

And I have to say that other than the intro segment where you can see me talking....the entire DVD is extremely professional! I'm tickled with the results and I think he's as pleased as can be. I will just keep the compliments coming in as it gets distributed at the conference next week.

I've already told him that when I get home in 3 weeks, I want to do a second DVD with more advanced technique tutorials.....so he's out looking for better equipment to help him through the process!!!

Funny guy!

DW

Death by chocolate, beer and hamburgers

My pals tease that we are going to have to write a book and call it

"death by chocolate, beer and hamburgers"

I'll feed mine chocolate
The one who's husband is an alcoholic is going to pour beer down him
And another one who's husband has high cholesterol is going to stuff hamburgers down him.

Could be the perfect crime novel!!!

I think it's the laughter of good friends that get me through the bad times.

So my advice might be to surround yourself with women who can support you and be there for you when life falls apart.

I probably have not mentioned here the incredibly amazing network of female friends that I have where I live. They totally understand my situation and can often recognize a low before I do.

But more than anything, they bring laughter into my life.

And laughter heals so much!

Almost too long

Here's a rather lengthy post:

I just ran across your blog today and it was a relief to learn more about this disease. I am fairly new at this. I have only been married to my diabetic husband for 7 years and he has only been diagnosed for about 4 years. We should have seen it coming because his mom, dad, and maternal grandmother had diabetes. We do not check his sugar very often, but it is always very high. I have read that over time a diabetic that has high blood sugar will eventually start going from high to low and begin that cycle. I have always contributed his anger to his diabetes, but I see on your site that your husband's episodes are when his sugar is low. Can this happen if it is high? We use natural remedies for all of our illnesses and this is the biggest medical thing that has happened to us. He does not want to go on meds (I don't want him to either, because they cause more problems)but he hasn't been the best at doing the cinnamon, garlic, dandelion, and other herbs plus the vitamin supplements. His job keeps him from being able to exercise regularly and, being a former Marine, he misses that discipline. He drives a truck and has to be certified every so often and that's when he takes a prescription so he can get the signature and then he gets off the meds.

Being young and inexperienced with this condition, I am not as familiar with the many problems that your husband has. Of course I worry about our future and that is mostly because of our children. I am a homemaker and when we began our family we chose to homeschool. We sacrifice many luxuries so that we can afford to live on his income. We refuse to put our three children (and one on the way)in daycare or public school. The reason I can not call this "his disease" and not mine is that we are one. If he gets ill and can no longer work, then I would have to go to work and not be able to care for our children. If he dies I will have to find someone else to take us in and become a husband and father to us. I have reminded him of this often and at times I ask him who his choice for my future husband would be. This is my way of reminding him that he is our provider and that we need him to stay healthy.


I hope I can encourage you as much as you have educated me. Sometimes I sense a bitterness and a coldness in your attitude and at other times I can feel the love you have for your husband. I am married to a "command man" meaning that he is demanding, expects to be waited on, and determined not to be nagged or led by a woman. I don't expect to ever change him because that is how God made him and it is up to God to change him. I can not neg him into "compliance" any more than I can make the stars move in the sky. When I do try that approach it just makes things worse. It is hard on me at times, but I married him for better or worse. It is definitely worse when he is angry and blaming me for things that I have no control over. It would have been easier to marry a "steady man" but I did not know about these things then.

I do love my husband and for that reason I stand beside him. If he chooses to refuse treatment, if he becomes sick, if he get disabled because of this disease, I will treat him every day as if he were the man of my dreams. I will lift him up in prayer and pray for God to change him. I may even pray that God does "whatever it takes" to wakt him up and make him take charge of his disease. When he can't get a certificate to drive and loses his job I will pray for God's mercy and another job. When he dies I will mourn and then I will move on - for the sake of my children. He knows what he is doing and I will allow him to be a man. But I will not say to him that he is alone in his battle. I can not tell him that this is not my disease. He needs me to be his anchor and his support. I am his help meet (a helper suitable to him) and I will meet his needs. I will check his blood sugar whenever he wants it checked - he does not want to check his own. I will buy foods that are good for him and not buy sweets except for special occasions, even when he mentions every week that he wants me to bake a cake or pie. When he wants to pig out I will let him and not nag. But I will continue to tell his daughters to tell daddy, "We don't want you to die from diabetes." And I will occasionally say, "I wonder if so-and-so from high school has ever married?...."

I wish that you could bring yourself to feel this way. Perhaps he would be changed by your honor and respect and renewed concern. I can tell you are afraid to lose him, but I think you have built a wall that has allowed you not to feel that sometimes. It's easy to say "it's not my disease" when it doesn't affect you, but everything my husband does affects me.

I suppose you think I will grow older and wiser as a diabetic's wife and become bitter and hard-hearted over the years. I plan on fighting that attitude by becoming all that my husband needs me to be - until the end. I play on growing wiser in ways to help support and encourage my husband. I am not saying these things to disrespect you, but I just wish you could feel the joy involved in being such a helper to your husband. I am not saying that he deserves to get everything he wants, but you already know that it does no good to go against him. So why not let him destroy himself, endure a little disrespect, and enjoy the time you have left with your husband. I know you have needs - all wives do. But it is a glorious thing to put someone else's needs above your own. Although he may not say it he needs you now more than ever. Perhaps if you would act a little more vulnerable he would realize that you need him to stick around a little longer. You could do some research on natural remedies. It is proven (if you look in the right places) that drugs for diabetes cause heart problems. All man-made drugs lead to further complications and side effects. He is in a rut and can't get out. Maybe you can be his salvation.

There is a tea called "Dr. Cinnamon Tea" www.bulkherbstore.com) that is supposed to be good for diabetics. There is a great book on marriage call "Created To Be His Help Meet" that has shown me how to love and honor my husband-no matter how bad it gets. (www.nogreaterjoy.org) I can not control him, but I can control myself. I choose to be a blessing rather than a curse to my husband.

You may think I am trying to be mean and hurt your feelings. I really am not. I completely believe what you say you are going through and I can understand how it feels-to a smaller extent. I also think our husbands react a lot to our attitudes and that we can change a lot just by letting them lead. I guess I will stop now. I hope I didn't upset you. I truly do think you can change your husband's outlook.
-RD

I think you must be quite young and have much to learn about life and about living with this disease. Your husband has had diabetes for 4 years, mine has had it for 35 years. Huge difference in what the disease does to the body over time.

When my hubby goes high, he gets very nervous, like being on edge, maybe aggitated is a better word, so yes, he get's angry then as well. But it's a different kind of anger. Maybe "high" is an aggitated, nervous anger and "low" is a bad mood anger. I can't explain it, but it's different. Yet it can happen at both ends of the spectrum.

Do you understand that each of your children will have a good chance of inheriting this disease as well? Best thing you can do is start a family nutrition program now. And stick with it like a religion.

I understand what it means "that the 2 shall be 1". And of course, you will sense bitterness and coldness in my attitude - probably more often than not. After your husband has been incontinent for months and the mattress smells of urine....we'll see how your bitterness level is! :o) I think it comes with time. But yes, I do love him. Still.

I will have to disagree on "this is how God made him and it is up to God to change him". God did NOT make my husband like this....his non-compliance has made him like this! His refusal to exercise, monitor his blood levels, eat right...that's all that has made him like this. God created a perfectly healthy man, added diabetes and let the man decide how to handle it. I think "my man" failed misearably!

"I will pray to God to change him". Good luck!

Not sure it's such a good idea to have your daughter get in the middle of all this by having her tell her daddy she doesn't want him to die. I may be manipulative, but I don't think I'd ever do that! And I certainly never "threaten" my husband that I might marry someone else when he dies. He knows well that if I leave it will be because he refuses to take care of himself.

You may not ever get bitter and hard-hearted. I don't think I am that at all. I tend to think I'm realistic. I know he is not going to change, so I don't pray for that. I know that he is not going to take better care of himself. Part of that comes with age. If he hasn't made changes in the past 35 years.....it's not going to happen now. Maybe that's realizm and that wins out over optimism and hope over the years.

Hmmmm....and explain to me the joy in assisting him when I clean up soiled matresses? Nope...I just don't see that! It must be your youth! LOL!!!

As far as a wife that has needs, my dear, you need to understand that when the nerve endings die.....that includes those which make sexual relations possible. If the drugs don't put an end to that.....the neuropathy will. Not even viagra will help that after a few years. I fear you have much to learn. But I think it's really good that you are getting involved now so you will know what is going to happen and you can go forward with no surprises.

Youth and innocence are such bliss! Read though all the past blogs and comments. You will see that a diabetic who is non-compliant is not about to take natural remedies either. And I'm not sure natural remedies are going to help while he continues to consume bags of candy and potato chips.

I don't know why you think I'm a curse to my husband, but I find that funny! I doubt he would think that at all. I am his best friend and he is mine. When he is having normal sugar levels, he is complete fun to be around. You haven't upset me at all. I just see this as the total distance between youth, naivity hope.......and age, experience and knowledge.

Good luck at changing your husband through prayer, support, whatever it takes. Print this out and read it in about 35 years. It might be fun!!!

Diabetics Anonymous? Who would attend?

Another comment:

Hi--with HIPPA laws, I wonder what kind of effect this could have, but is there any way you could contact your husband's diabetes doctor (I can't remember if he sees an endocrinologist or not) and tell them that you would like the doctor to have your husband consider doing a trial of a continuous glucose monitor? I've done 2 day trials in the past, and the results can be really eye opening. You could print out the results and then show your husband exactly where he is going low and exactly how it coincides with his behavior. If the doctor pooh-poohs the idea, explain exactly why you think it is needed (the family history with his daughters, your own experiences, etc.).

Also, I don't know where you are based, but some of the larger medical centers have therapists on site who have backgrounds in diabetes. Would it be worth contacting one to get coping tips for living with a noncompliant diabetic?(Maybe they'd do phone sessions if you're not local). I know you say it's not your disease, but it's like how Al-Anon is for relatives of alcoholics--it'd be to learn how to better deal with someone who has a particular disease.

We have insurance through separate companies, so I can only talk to my own insurance providors. If you read back through my blogs, you will see that I have been to diabetic counselors, nurses and nutritionists - educating myself as much as I can and coming up with a wide variety of ways to deal with life as a spouse of a non-compliant diabetic.

He does not see an endocrinologist - and I have asked him to do so on a number of occassions.

He would never consent to even a trial of a continuous glucose monitor. I have asked him in the past. We have done the manual testing with a grid and a scale comparing lows to moods. Under a nurse's supervision. It made him etremely angry. He knows the problem exists. He simply chosed to ignore it.

Interesting comparing being a spouse of a non-compliant diabetic to being the spouse of an alcoholic. I think we'd have to put that as an alcoholic on his last legs! My brother-in-law is an alcoholic and I would take that any day of the year over this. I know you are trying to be kind - maybe we could start a diabetics anonymous. I just don't see anyone attending.

In Alcoholics anonymous, the alcoholic admits they are an alcoholic. The apologize to others for what they have done to them. They attempt to quit drinking.

My husband is in total denial as to what diabetes is doing to him. He has never apologized to me for what he puts me through. And he's not about to quit this inch-by-inch suicide mission he is on. He ate a box of girl scout cookies 10 minutes ago.

Edona wrote:

I feel for you. I thank you. My DH would never blog, let alone read a blog, but he would completely understand the shoes you walk in. I've been Type 1 diabetic for 37 years. My DH and I have been married for 15+ years. I always, always thank him for marrying me, because I know it was probably one of the hardest things he's ever done. But, he's stood by me. He's picked me up when I've fallen (on floors, through shower doors, etc..) with a low blood sugar. He's learned to tone me out when I'm ranting with a high and he can set his clock to the minute when I come down the hallway after a shower and a pump change and my sentence starts with "Guess what...?" He and our two kids all shout in unison... "you hate diabetes!". Sorry about the stalker. They're out there! And, there do seem to be a lot of angry ones.

Thank you!!! It is amazingly wonderful to read from someone who knows what they put their spouse through. Thank you from all of us!!!

Lyrehca said...
I know your husband would probably never consider anything like this, but there *is* a warning system that gives you an alarm when you're heading low (or high): the Dexcom continuous glucose monitor.

It would be interesting for your husband to do a trial run of one for a week to see exactly where his blood sugar is all the time.

You know it! He's nt going to ever do anything like this......but I would love it if he would. He probably is not a good candidate for any type of continuous monitor as he would never clean it. How sad is that?

You know, I do sometimes wonder if there is an element of the fact that we are talking about men -- you know the Y chromosome.

I never thought of my husband as the macho type but he is a caretaker and he really does need to be in charge and he likes to be the car-driver and (ok, I'll stop, you get the idea)

Now that I spent the weekend on the internet looking for on-line opportunities to "chat" and seeing your response - I get it. first, some people are SO defensive - they don't understand that we aren't really saying these things so much as a criticism of them but as a place to go to share our feelings and get validation for what we feel. Of course, we think they are wrong -- because so much of what they do, well is wrong. But that's not the point of this space -- its really to share.

I looked on one website (I won't name it you probably know) and they are all about being "kind" to each other. Well that's all well and good but it really doesn't help when you are desperate and scared and think you are the only woman in the world who thinks that she is the most horrible being because she can't handle one more time when her husband hits bottom.

and we do appreciate you filtering out the screaming "jims" who want to make us feel bad. we are not bad, we are burdened and loving and caring and we try so hard to do the right thing.

we know its difficult for them that's why its so difficult for us. otherwise it would be easy for us to leave when they abuse us so terribly. who else would put up with the type of emotional garbage we get?

Now I'll stop and leave you alone.

You are terrific I wish you a wonderful trip. Tom's wife

Dear Tom's Wife. It's just not online....the diabetics I meet in person are completely defensive. Some of my art pals are starting to open up and talk to me about it. A couple have even acknowledged their denial. Most of them are women who don't "have the time" to eat right or test. I find that a bit humorous as I think we all still have 24 hours in a day!!!

I tend to call a spade a spade and just don't go in for that touchy-feely stuff. Doesn't seem to help me one iota when he slides of the chair into a coma on the floor. And as you said, when you are scared to death....no help in being kind and polite and politically correct at that moment either. I have often wondered what a non-compliant diabetic does when no one is around. And I know that is exactly why my hubby often comments that his worst fear in all of life is that he will die alone.

Thanks for your post. There really is comfort in knowing we are not a lone and in understanding the moment-by-moment battles we each face.

DW