Change?

We have booked a cruise for this fall and he has started a diet. He has stuck with it for 4 whole days! And he says that on June 1, tomorrow, he is going to start and exercise program. Of course, I am joining him. I am soooo excited! I hope and pray this is what he needs to turn his eating around and take off the 50 pounds he has put on in the past year.

Good things this week!

DW

quiet week

Things are going pretty well. He still has lows and I go for a walk, get out of the house, etc. His next round of medical appointments starts some time in June. We are eating out less, eating more fresh fruit and veggies. He promised to walk today, but didn't. We'll see if he walks tomorrow.

He's back

Pretty funny. He liked what i had done with the dining room. But claimed the guest bedroom is too "feminine". Well...it's where I sleep now...what did he expect? LOL!

He is sleeping. I knew he would. Travel drains him. He carried his bag upstairs and then had to sit on the corner of the bed for 10 minutes trying to get his breath. I almost asked him if he needs oxygen. His toe is still horribly infected and it almost looks like he has a gout infection in his right foot. He said that both of his hands are just wracked with pain. Well, that's a new one for me, but I took a look and sure enough, he has gout nodules all over his fingers, just like on the bottom of his feet.

Poor guy! I can't even imagine what is next. But we will continue to take this one day at a time.

Cpap machine

Sometimes, I just don't notice much in life. Today, for some reason, I woke up and saw his cpap machine sitting beside his bed. That means he went on this trip without it.

One more indication to me that he has no inclination whatsoever to take care of himself.

update

he flew home Monday and back out this morning. This is a business trip and he's gone for a week. He wasn't home long enough for anything to be discussed...but I'm making changes in my own life. Going to cut back, clean out, downsize so we can hopefully sell this house next year and move into a condo...or a 1 level house.

He has a horrible infection in the 2nd toe on his left foot. Is oozing puss. He is limping when he walks. We did go to the store yesterday and he bought new walking shorts....size 40 waist. 3 years ago his waist was 34. He did not use his CPap either night he was home. But he only had one giant Milky Way bar. I can only imagine what he will eat this next week. Somehow, I just don't care. I plan to just enjoy the solitude, work in my studio, continue to finish remodeling the guest bedroom, and take care of me.

DW

Mother's Day

He has flown to be with his mom....I spent today with mine. Tomorrow, I plan a very quiet day of solitude, totally alone, in my own home. My "gift" to me on Mother's Day!

I think it will be wonderful!

I'm sure my boys will call. But other than that, I plan to sit back and enjoy the quiet. Perhaps a long bubble bath, maybe a full day of chick flicks.

I wish each of you a truly peaceful, quiet, non-stressful day.

DW

How can he not know?

It truly does amaze me at times. Ok, all of the time. I joined his staff for a "happy hour" last night and one of his employees was telling me how my hubby was slurring all of his words in a staff meeting 2 weeks ago. I explained that was the meds he wason for his cracked ribs.

My hubby is sitting right there and he says, "I did not slur my words!"

So not only have I told him that he did, but a co-worker also told him. And he still doesn't remember, or worse yet, believe, that he slurred them so bad no one could understand a thing he was saying.

I'm starting to think that the nerve endings in his brain cells are dead! LOL!

And ok, I have to LOL or I'd be sitting here crying.

Current status:

Sleeps in til about 8 am, gets on morning business calls. Takes a long nap from about 10 am - 1 pm, eats a bite, gets on afternoon calls. Day ends about 4 pm and he takes a nap til 6 pm. Dinner. Upstairs in bed to watch more TV about 7:30 pm.

His eyes are looking quite pink around the eyelid this week. But the rest of him is a grey/white. Still in depends 24/7. The tale-tell signs of the toilet bowls are an indication that bowel incontinence is still here. I don't think the meds are helping a bit. He's been on them at least 6 weeks now. No idea how he thinks he going to take 2 trips in the next 2-3 weeks. We will see how he manages.

I plan to bury myself in my art and with my friends while he is away. :o)

Home

I think the man missed me! LOL! But he is in pretty bad shape. His ribs have not healed. Every sneeze, cough, movement makes him wince. I can almost feel the pain. Poor guy.

On the drive home from the airport, I just decided to be gutsy. Told him all the changes I wanted to make. He didn't agree. But he did not disagree. I told him I'm going to go to every medical appointment he has...I don't care what it is. And that he should call his doctor tomorrow and get and OK to fly to visit his parents this week as I don't think he's well enough to go. Wasn't really a demanding conversation as I was joking quite a bit. But I do think he at least heard me. We'll see what happens. But I'm going to push him tomorrow to call his doctor.

He's just so happy to have me home I think he'll do anything I ask....for the next 2-3 days.

Why do I stay?

L wrote:

"May I ask, honestly, why you won't consider leaving permanently?

You are very frank in your blog about your unhappiness and your husband's inability to change his ways. It sounds like you are really a different person being apart from him.

What keeps you there? Is it shared history? Religion? A fear of how he will manage without you?"

Well, in all honesty, I have truly, deeply, honestly considered leaving him. More than once. And it was a huge part of my extended 3 week vacation right now. I needed time to think and come to a turning point in my life. Religion has no part in this. Fearing how he will manage without me isn't a consideration either. Shared history is a big part. Love is a huge factor. I truly do love him. When he is "normal" he is a complete delight to be around. When I have the man I fell in love with....I am at my happiest.

And for now, the times that he is still "here" are worth staying for. I know...love is blind! LOL!

I think what I have learned these past 3 weeks is that yes, I need to take care of the caregiver (me). I need to take a few more breaks. I need to develop a little more of a career/job/occupation for me. I don't know if that will be in art...or if I will return to the workforce. But I need to do something to have a goal, or a reason to be busy a little bit more.

Aren't we all different when we are away from our spouses? I know I'm more rested. I do believe I'm finally over my pneumonia. My chest feels fine....not tight like it was. No wheezing sounds. It's warm here and I've been out walking as well which is great. I forget how much I miss walking when I get cooped up inside the house during the winter snow months. And I've been surrounded by great friends, lots of creative play, loads of smiles and warm hugs, happy reunions and such.

I'm going home tomorrow and I'm going to stay. But somehow, I feel in my bones that things are going to be different. Maybe they have to be. And I can hear a little something in his voice. He had a sneezing attack yesterday and really hurt his ribs again, so he took another pain pill...it made him loopy again. Today, he said he wanted me to come home and tell him if he was ok or not. I told him that from the sound of his voice alone, I could tell that he still had the drugs in him and I asked him to not take another one of them until after I got home. Do not need him driving to the airport under the influence of something so strong. 22 hours after he took the pill, he was still slurring his words. Truly scary.

But my saving grace is the fact that I do know I can walk out any time. I won't do it on the spur of the moment. I will take another break and seriously think about it. But I do have that option. Every single one of us has that option every day of our lives. And I can stay another day knowing that I have that option.

DW

Surviving vs Living

I thought the comment that ended in "we all survive" was so interesting. It got me to thinking about this. Yes, I do know that as spouses of diabetics...we all survive. But do we live?

I've got just a few more days before I go back home. I have been "living"......TRULY living....for the first time in a long time, while here. I haven't had to listen to his angry outbursts. No one has been flopping their body in my bed at night. No sleep apnea with all it's gasps for air. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night for a single thing. Haven't seen a needle, a pricker, any prescription bottle.....

I have been living.

And it's been wonderful.

I don't want to go back to "surviving". I want to continue "Living".

But I know if I go back to him, which I will do, I will go back to just surviving.

I do feel renewed. And I'm hoping it will last a few weeks!

I will probably go into a depression and a deep funk when I get back. You all will have to pull me out of it! :o)

For the moment....I'm going to enjoy the heck out of the next few days!!!

How to contact me

Anonymous. I was starting to worry and am glad you signed on. But I understand, it is a huge risk.

My whole blog is a HUGE risk on my part and it's a very big part of why I do so much to keep my ID hidden. If my hubby could ever prove this was me (like he is going to go search the net regarding non compliant diabetics???) he would kick me out in a heartbeat! And probably threaten me in the process.

A few of my close friends know about this blog. No one else in my immediate life.

But....you can email me :

diabeteswife@yahoo.com

I will check there about once a week to see if I have any notes. And I can share my telephone number that way.

I get tons of anonymous emails, so be sure to let me know who you are!

And anyone can create an email acount via yahoo. I know many do not like to use yahoo....but it really is a safe way to email via the internet in an anonymous fashion.

I know that talking...just hearing another voice, does matter. Knowing that we are not alone...that there are others who share our same fears and concerns, hearing their stories....does help.

I think in the 2 years that I have blogged here, only one other spouse has posted that they stayed with the diabetic until death. I can certainly understand why. It is not an easy journey.

And yes, I know you love him. Just as much as I love mine. But love does not make this an easy life at all. It doesn't ease the pain...if anything, it might make it more difficult to sit there and watch the person you love so much let their life go one cell at a time because they won't follow the rules!

I had dinner last night with a very special friend of mine. He used to be my church choir director. He is a diabetic. He said about a year ago he got so frustrated with all the meds that he quit them cold turkey. His sugar went up to 600!!! I just about came unglued! I told him everything that was going on with my husband and said, "Do you want to be walking around in depends all day long in 6 years???" I could see in his eyes that the "light" was turned on. I think he made some life changing choices last night. It was the first time I had told anyone about my hubby's depends. But I do not want another person to go through this. He is 6 years younger than my husband.

I feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it! LOLOL!

I think I'm almost ready to go home! 3 more days of teaching classes and shopping, resting by the seashore. It's all been amazingly wonderful!!!

DW

Researching insulin pumps

I guess I should share some of my past "medical research" history. I raised a son who was a severe asthmatic before internet access....and a son who had a severe seizure disorder. In the days before patient advocates. I was their only advocate and spent hours in medical libraries doing research on both their medical conditions. And simply asking pointed questions to their providers in order to get them to think about proper treatment plans.

So I've done the research on this as well. And when someone who provides medical equipment wants to post that 100% of thier patients have had success with their pumps....I will simply hit the "reject" button.

Why? Mainly because I want to hear from the SPOUSE....NOT the patient...that it was a success!

Have I learned my lesson with this disease or what? Non-compliant diabetics are in such denial they will claim success with anything and everything! So if you are a provider....take note, start surveying the spouses. IF the patient even still has a spouse! Talk to the children, How about co-workers? A much better judge of "success" than the patient.

And "Joel", I have an MBA. I know full well that you can make statistics say anything you want. :o) My hubby has a perfect a1c because he has enough highs and lows during a 24 hour period that they balance out to a normal average. So much for numbers!

to quote part of what you wrote, "Diabetes is just a word, not a sentence". I disagree. Diabetes IS a sentence. Every remaining moment of your life totally depends on whether you choose to be compliant or non-compliant. Your moods, your anger, your attitude....is all completely controlled by whether you manage your highs and lows, or choose not to manage them. Diabetes in a non-compliant person is truly a sentence for their spouse and their family.

Anonymous: Yes, it probably is too late for an insulin pump for hubby. If you took one look at his feet, you would wonder how he has managed to escape amputation to this point. Again, hubby refuses to test even once a day. He will only test when he "thinks" he is high. Sigh.

Christine. I think from my research, you are right on. Thank you fo rposting what you wrote. My hubby is not willing to do any o fthis. Perhaps his physicians recognize this and it's why they do not push him to get a pump. Count carbs? He would just guess and enter a number. So I agree, he would be worse off doing things like that.

I know many of you do not believe me, but I am seriously trying to paint a picture of what life is like with a totally non-compliant diabetic. I'm sure each one is different. But I'm getting enough comments from other spouses to start to think there are quite a few common threads that we all experience. Perhaps it's just a whole different world trying to live with someone who is non-compliant. Probably much like an alcoholic who won't quit drinking and is drinking himself to death.

Today, he was in a pretty foul mood on the phone. I could tell he's not doing well. So I'm glad I'm still on "vacation" and don't have to deal with his moods. I'm almost dreading going home. 5 more days of peace and quiet. I'll enjoy every moment of what's left!

Now, you also need to remember that I have a husband who's test strips...the Rx box....is dated 2001!!! That should give you a clue as to how often he will test himself. To even think that he might test once a day? let alone 6 - 8 times a day.....simply put....insane! He is NOT about to do that. So how could putting him on a pump work? It would truly have to be 100% maintenance free. Testing equals maintenance.

insulin pumps

I thought I'd write about them today. My hubby does not have one and REFUSES to get one. Why?

They require "work".

They are not 100% maintenance free.

It is an outward sign of anotherwise unseen disease.

It is an admission that you have this disease, so you really can no longer deny it.

Now remember, this is a man who will tell you that diabetes is a disease of the pancreas AND NOTHING ELSE!!!

And although his kidney function is down to 25%....he will repeat over an over that this is NOT diabetes because diabetes only impacts the pancreas.

He truly is brilliant at finding ways to deny there is anything wrong with him at all. And I do have to giggle....ok, admit it...what guy ever admits his own faults? And I'm sure my hubby sees his low functioning kidneys as a "fault".

And once again, I cannot make life choices for him. He has to do them himself. He has heard the advice of his doctors. He refuses to accept what they tell him is best for him. So no pump for now for all the reasons above. I'm living with a man who has made a choice to die, to live the remaining time he has the way he wants, gobbling down one bag of potato chips and chasing that with a bag of chocolate!

How sad is that?

A joyful day!

I started out getting early to the store where I am teaching while on "vacation". And the owner gifted me with a craft tool that retails for $150.00! What a great way to start my day!

I've taught at this store before and today, the class was filled with women who I've met in the past. So it was nothing short of a grande reunion.

Then 3 more "old" pals showed up to interrupt the class with so much fun, my jaws still hurt from smiling!

I used to live in this city and have been gone for quite some time....so it's always fun to come "home" and see so many of my friends. Women who knew me "pre diabetes". Women who are very blunt about asking me about the dark circles under my eyes....and rather than explaining.. I just laugh and tell them it's my old age!

There was so much joy today. Such a nice change. So refreshing. So uplifting to know that I can still find this in my life. Truly helps to renew the spirit and refresh the soul!

Joy. Have you found it lately?

Ahhhhhh....

Ever have one of those "ah......" moments? I'm having one now! Alone in my bedroom at my girlfriend's house. Quiet. Peaceful. No one next to me with restless leg syndrome or sleep apnea. No one snoring. No one wearing depends. It's just plain quiet.

How I have missed this! To the point where I almost forgot what it was. I can think. I can clear my head. I am just wrapping myself up in the peace, the quiet, the tranquility of all of this.

It's truly wonderful. Refreshing. Energizing. I may have to come back every 2-3 months and get my spirit refreshed! I still have 6 more days here and I plan to enjoy every single moment of it!

Ahhhhh........

:o)

The truly scary part of being the spouse of a diabetic

Dear Anonymous. Rather than go back to the other blogs, I'm going to respond to your comments in a new blog. It's the easiest way I know how.

First...is he still gone? I was a little confused on that one. Did he move out? If it were me, I would get an attorney. I can't begin to fathom and angry diabetic, moving out in a huff, leaving me with children at home. More on that below.

You wrote:

" I have had some issues in dealing with some of the things my normally loving husband said to me during one of his last outbursts. I've been really down. He attacked me on every level - being a parent, my family, my business, my housekeeping, my friendships, and finally my faith. Then he sleeps it off, doesn't really apologize (because I don't think he remembers anything or he's a expert on everyone else) and expects me to just pick myself up by my boot straps & smile & laugh"

That was me 2 years ago. And yes, the words hurt so much that I would cry for days on end. That old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt" just is not true. Words hurt to the very core of your being as they are nothing less than abuse. And of course he sleeps it off and then expects you to forget just like he has forgotten all about it.

I think it's one of the hardest things a spouse has to endure. The tirades that occur during a low that the diabetic will never remember....but are like a fresh stab to the heart forever to you.

" I have 2 children, so I have to keep a good front for them. He expects the whole world to revolve around him - his day, his recreation, his needs. In my last post I shared I have no one to talk to. Well he stormed out this morning. I was in a wonderful mood - beautiful day. He packed up all of his clothes & he's gone. This was all because when he got up in the middle of the night I asked him if he remembered to take his meds. I ask him this about once a week. He yelled at me, Have you taken yours? I don't take any. Thankfully, our teenage children are oblivious."

You may think your children are oblivious. But they are not. In some fashion, their father's anger is abuse and they are growing up with that. If you read one of my recent posts where I was chatting with the adult child of a diabetic father...she knew she grew up with abuse but had not associated it with her father's sugar lows and was shocked when I explained that he probably had no recollection of it. Yet she remembers it so vividly.

You do have me to talk to now, and a lot of other spouses who are slowly coming forward. I think a natural evolution of abuse is to think it's all our fault, that we are the "imperfect" spouse, that we "deserve" this kind of treatment, or that there is something "wrong" with us. We tend to clam up. To "believe" it is all our fault. Trust me, I was right where you are 2 years ago. I just cried so much my hubby told me I was insane. Of course....he also blamed everything on "my midlife crisis" and to this day...he thinks "I'm better because menopause is over". He is so completely clueless. I am better because I have gotten therapy, I've done the research, I know it is HIM and not me, and I am making choices based on facts, not his emotional outbursts.

It was extremely scary for me to "stand up" to him the first dozen times I tried. But I was (and still am) ready to walk out in a heartbeat. And I think once he realized that, things slowly started to change.

But back to your children. I'm only beginning to realize the full impact of my husband's scenario. His father is a diabetic. So my husband proably grew up in a household with these sugar-low-induced-outbursts. Shall we call them SLIOs? My husband has had diabetes since he was 22 years old. So I am sure he then had the same SLIOs towards his own 2 children. His kids are now in their mid 30s and are both pre-diabetic. His son has 2 daughters. So can you see the pattern that continues throughout the generations?

The difference is that I have identified his SLIOs for the most part and have come to learn that I can either insist we immediately go out to eat (and feign hunger on my part) or I can have my own fight-to-get-your-sugar-high with him. (Laughing here as we need an acronym for that one, too!) But every once in awhile I totally space it out and miss one of his SLIOs.....but eventually I figure out what is going on. And at that point, I realize that it is NOT HIM saying those mean words. It is his body's way of trying to let me know that his sugar is down and I need to help him out.

OK....it's my way of staying sane. Because on some level, he must think those awful things about me if he is going to say them in a low. But I swear, he does not remember saying them at all, will deny he ever said anything that horrible to me and thinks I think them up in my head!

Most of my husband's SLIOs come when I'm at my happiest. When I least expect them. Hmmmm.......

"I was so happy last week that he (after me insisting this was his sugar levels AND he wants to prove me wrong) made an appt to go to Mayo. He has been once before without me. (I didn't know he was going.) The doctor (I think) scolded him pretty bad & told him if he didn't drop 20 or more lbs & get in shape he was getting a pump. So he hasn't been back, just continues to eat and eat. Finally I took the initiative 2 weeks ago in desperation to visit my own doctor. I was really scared, and don't laugh, that he was going to check me into a mental health clinic to save face for himself. Now remember I have not shared what I have been going through with anyone for almost 2 years. He told me he called all of these places about me. HE HAS diagnosed me as bipolar because I "cry all the time". He has never taken 1 medical related course in his life! I admit his outburst the week before, the one I wrote about in my first post, that I really fell apart. I have never had anyone talk that way to me. It was all over me interjecting to suggest my daughter wanted a hard shell taco instead of a soft shell taco. He called me down in front of the waitress like a 2 year old. I just got up & went to the car. All the way home he screamed & screamed. I found myself retreating into myself. I was scared & I hated myself for letting someone talk to me that way and I've heard the same things so many times - stupid, crazy, not good enough, not religious enough... I think I was just about there! I stayed up most of the night just praying. Sad to say, I haven't done alot of that lately."

I really want to cry for you and with you. I can't begin to tell you how many, many, many times this happened to me. Like you, I really thought I was the insane one. My husband was forever telling me that I needed mental help. He could make me cry at the drop of a pin. I realize now it's because I was scared, I had no idea what was happening, I felt like our marriage was falling apart, that it was me...that I wasn't a good enough wife....everything you just wrote. Everything he said belittled me. Everything was my fault. Oh goodness....if he couldn't find an ink pen it was because I had taken all of them! And pray? well...my knees had callouses! I was "weepy" for nearly 2 years. I NEVER talked about any of it to anyone....not even my sisters who I am very close to. I totally fell apart....with each outburst....and it even got to the point where I fell apart if he just looked at me with an angry look.

I didn't want to endure another outburst. I couldn't even handle the thought of it. I remember laying awake in the middle of the night thinking that if I get up to go to the bathroom and I wake him up, he will get so mad at me.....and I would just lay there until I was in such physical pain...and then lay there until he was snoring so loud I hoped I could get up without waking him up. You get to where your whole life is just eggshells and you have no idea what it is that is going to cause an outburst.

Someone asked me a couple of years ago why I had such black circles under my eyes. That was a turning point for me. I realized it was impacting my health and if someone else could tell there was something physically wrong with me, I had to get help. Well...the black circles were from stress and lack of sleep...NOT from him hitting me! Guess I should clarify that!

"The next day one of the people who work under him at his job approached ME & she said things had been terrible for her. I was put in a very awkward position. I told her to do her job and not argue with him. He guessed by something she said that she and I had talked. I have never lied to my husband. I explained to him how it came down and he said I was not to discuss anything else with her. The next day he made me an appt. to go to Mayo, too. After this morning's incident, I've thought about it, and I canceled my appt. and I'm going back to my own doctor here. I feel like the whole reason for me wanting to go with him in the first place was to be there for him & possibly get some information on helping him. I would never go behind his back, but I feel like he wants the docs there to find something on me to take the pressure off of himself."

Your advice to his employee was very good. Do your job. Don't argue. I have started telling my husband that he needs to call so and so back and apologize to them. Or I will ask, "do you realize you were just yelling at that person?" I think we are past the stage where you are....my husband has started to realize that he does not remember some of these things. But I also have learned to tune in and listen to his work conversations (he works from home most of the time) around 10 am....when he seems to take a dive in his sugar levels.

And good for you for cancelling your appointment! Trust me, as women, we know our own bodies so much better than anyone else, so go with your gut feeling on that one.

My husband still will not allow me to go to the doc with him. He will even lie to me point blank about which appointment he is going to in order to keep me away. "It's just the eye doctor today." and then 3 hours later, "well, I messed up, it was the neuropathy guy"! Can you believe he LIES to me? Just proof that he does not want me to know what they are telling him. Well...one, I won't let him lie to the doc and 2, I would then know what he's NOT doing! Such a child!

"I know I'm rambling, but this is the only outlet I have. I can't sleep. I am worried about him. I don't know anyone I can confide in that could talk to him. He is known for being a expert negotiator and a problem solver in our community. What kind of credibility would I have? I'm getting worried how this is affecting his memory, judgement, & decisions as it pertains to our business, too. When he left this morning, he yelled he had had enough & was calling a lawyer. I am heartbroken or am I just in a bad, bad dream."

Sad to say, this is not a bad dream. This is very real. The good thing...you will survive. IF IF IF YOU take steps to protect yourself! Get a lawyer. Go see a psychiatrist. Go through the entire battery of exams to PROVE YOU ARE SANE as he is most likely going to accuse you of being insane. Find a diabetic nurse who will provide you with some counseling. Join a diabetic support group. Even though he may leave you.....he is still the father of your children and a support group can help all of you deal with him and his outbursts even when he is not living with you.

Uncontrolled sugar levels WILL destroy ALL of the nerve endings in his body. So, that is not just the nerve endings that go to his fingers and toes....it will attack the nerve endings in his intestines, his heart, his brain. He will forget things, make bad decisions. It will eventually (if it remains out of control) impact decisions, judgement, driving...everything. He may slip into a coma and not even know it if he is lucky enough to just "wake up". The first time, if like my hubby, he will just deny it happened...even when it happens with a house full of people. And when I called 911 to a neighbor's house when non of us could revive him..he still got pissed at me for doing that! But at least he couldn't deny it happened because the EMTs made him go to the hospital, his levels were so low.

You know, it doesn't matter how good of a negotiator he is, or how important he is. Uncontrolled diabetes will take him down. He needs to do what the doctors tell him to do and he might be able to correct or stall the progression of this disease. But if he refuses to do that....just like my husband is refusing to make any changes at all....then you have 2 choices. You can stay with him or you can leave him. If you stay with him, you have to step up to the plate. I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that he no longer has permission to talk to me in a negative way. And when he starts in, I just say to him in a very loud, stern voice (like I were yelling at a 10 year old) "YOU STILL do not have my permission to talk to me like that". And if he keeps it up, I will get my jacket and keys and walk out. I got that from a therapist and it has worked. Yet I know that any day I may have to leave him permanently. So far, it seems to be working. I just no longer allow him to talk to me in that manner. But I am the one who had to tell him that he could not do that.

What do I have to lose? Anything I say to him in a true sugar low...he is not going to remember.

Think about the example you are setting for your daughter. If you allow your spouse to talk to you in a demeaning manner in front of her, if you clam up and "take it"....you are teaching her that is what she must do if it happens to her. And/or you are teaching both your son and daughter that it is proper behavior to talk to other human beings in that manner. I have learned that it is up to each of us to stop the cycle of abuse....even when it is SLIO related.

Shall I end by repeating, I am not a counselor, therapist, doctor. I only tell you what has worked for me and each situation is different and it could be disastrous for you. I cannot give you advice. Only tell you about my life. Just know you are not alone. There are hundreds of us, probably thousands of us....but I think very few who stay with a non-compliant diabetic until the very end. A choice that I will continue to negotiate every single day.

recovery

He seems to be doing much better tonight and on the mend. He even went out today....so if he can drive he is OK. I wish he would not drive when he is taking such potent drugs, but he said he only took them before he went to sleep last night and he did not sound nearly as groggy this morning.

So I give him til Saturday before the next crisis hits! Have to wonder what it will be. LOL!

Almost funny

He is on such potent drugs than he just sounds high when I call him. I was a little worried that he's not eating, so I called my neighbor and she took him some chicken soup and checked in on him. She said he was pretty loopy when she got there this afternoon after work, but that after eating, he seemed to improve a little. I'm sure she will continue to check in on him now that she knows I'm gone and he's got 3 cracked ribs.

He called just a little bit ago and said he had a bout of hiccups and it nearly killed him. So I suggested that he take his last dose of the pain meds today and just go to bed.

I've never heard him sound quite like he does with these meds. They must be knocking him for a loop. His voice is all slurred....wish I had a tape recorder. I doubt he will remember much of this at all. Heck, he may not even remember that I'm not at home! LOLOL!

3 cracked ribs

from coughing. Well, at least it wasn't a heart attack! The doc gave him some pain meds and a cough suppressant and sent him home. He is supposed to stay in bed. Well...I'm sure that since the cat (me) is gone, that mice (him) will play! Hopefully he got some sleep last night. Our last call was around 2 am and I told him I'd wait til he called me today so he can sleep in.

Maybe next time his mom calls him crying, he will think twice about jumping on a plane to go rush to see her. Maybe he will remember how sick he got on this last trip and now this. But most likely as soon as he's well, he won't even remember this!

He's at the hospital

and I'm sitting here waiting for him to call. He said he had some kind of coughing attack about 2 pm today. He called me then and he said the pain was so severe, he felt like something "popped" and he could hardly breathe. I told him to call his doctor. He called back and they told him to go to ER. But he said he wasn't going.

So I checked in with him about every hour this afternoon and about 9 pm....he couldn't even breathe, so I insisted that he take himself over to ER. He can be such a pain sometimes. He called and he is there and he's just having his little hissy fit about being there. But at least he got himself there. I imagine he cracked a rib coughing....but he does need to be checked out. I checked and I can get a flight out in the morning and be there by 10:30 am. So I'll jsut sit tight and wait til I hear back from him.

In the meantime, I had a totally fun day today, teaching art. Great stress relief!

DW