About 3 years ago, we took a cruise and stopped in a little known port on the south coast of Mexico.....way the heck down there. A new port, little used. Absolutely fell in love with the place and swore we would go back.
So yesterday, I got one of those last minute deals where they haven't filled up the plane.....to this very place...at such a cheap rate I couldn't believe it! I showed it to hubby and he said, "book it!" OK...."last minute" is very literal. We leave in 2 days!!!
We've been running around trying to get stuff together. We both love to snorkel. It's a very relaxing thing as you just float on top of the ocean and look down at all the beauty below. Hubby tried on his fins.....of course they don't fit. His feet are so swollen these days. He has decided to just rent a pair when we get there.
I'm just so beside myself that he agreed to do something. And even if he just sits in the hotel room, sleeps and relaxes....there will not be much to stop me from going out exploring and seeing the area. I can hardly wait!
And on a different positive note. I have started a 21 day "give it up" thing. About 4 weeks ago, I gave up soda and sugar. I made it 21 days and obviously am still not using it. Amazing the difference in my own life. One week ago, I started walking 3 miles a day. Will continue that for 21 days (and then past that, of course). In 2 more weeks, I hope to give up white flour.
With these changes, he is grudgingly making a few changes. I refuse to cook 2 different meals, so he has to eat salad with me or get up and fix his own meal. So at least that gets him off the sofa! I told him that I don't care what he eats, but he has to be supportive of me. I haven't seen a bag of candy in a week. Now if I could just explain to him that I don't want potato chips in the house......
And I've told him I'm not going out to eat except once a week. Well, we've been out twice this week and will obviously eat out next week, but when we get back home....it's back to fixing salads and grilling chicken and fish here.
OK...I will settle for baby steps. He walked 4 blocks with me this week as I told him I need to get in 10K steps per day and I was only at 9500....and wanted to take the dogs for a walk, but couldn't handle both of them at once. So he joined me. I think I see many days in the future where I just can't get in 10K steps! :o)
This blog is very good for me as when I reread it, I see that I am the one who has a life and I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. Hopefully with the changes that I make, he will follow. Who knows? I've decided it's worth a try.
Plus....I'm feeling better. I know that I need to build muscle. I need to increase my circulation. So walking is it for me. I hope to get to 5 miles a day....but I also know that will take time.
It takes me an hour to walk 3 miles. And I realized today that is a full hour I have away from the house....with time to think, time to be alone, time to pray. It's time that I need.
He's been a bit grumpy about all of this. But I keep reminding him that I need to be healthy. I tell him that I'm doing this so I will feel better. And he hasn't argued with that too much.
But I still find entire bags of potato chips that he downed in one setting. Sigh.
Maybe next week I can get him to walk with me on the beach. Now that would be fun!!!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Notes/Fatigue and back ache
Today was one of those "we just have to do yard work" days. I noticed that he kept sitting down on the steps so when we broke to get some lunch, I asked if he was OK. He said that he is just totally wiped out and feels weak. I asked if it could be one of the new drugs that he is on or a combination of drugs and he looked a bit surprised, thought a moment and then agreed that it could be. So I suggested that he let his doctors know the next time they see him. He said that he thought he might have low iron. And I reminded him that they could also do something for that.
Then we were talking about contacting landscapers to re-do our yard. I think we want more trees and border hedges. I threw out a couple of ideas and he said that there was no way we could do it ourselves, his back hurt him too much. He said, "Just bending over picking up the few branches you trimmed just about killed me."
Well, that just doesn't seem quite right because I had been bending over picking up branches, twigs and leaves for about 2 hours and he had only done about 5 minutes.
I wonder if at this age, the less you do, the less you are able to do? Has he lost muscle from sleeping so much? Will he ever be able to regain it if he wanted.
So, at lunch, I asked him what his thoughts were about getting a bowflex machine and he said that might not be a bad idea. I know that I could use some muscle building help and it's obvious that he can. My question is....would we use it? I guess we'll find out!
Then we were talking about contacting landscapers to re-do our yard. I think we want more trees and border hedges. I threw out a couple of ideas and he said that there was no way we could do it ourselves, his back hurt him too much. He said, "Just bending over picking up the few branches you trimmed just about killed me."
Well, that just doesn't seem quite right because I had been bending over picking up branches, twigs and leaves for about 2 hours and he had only done about 5 minutes.
I wonder if at this age, the less you do, the less you are able to do? Has he lost muscle from sleeping so much? Will he ever be able to regain it if he wanted.
So, at lunch, I asked him what his thoughts were about getting a bowflex machine and he said that might not be a bad idea. I know that I could use some muscle building help and it's obvious that he can. My question is....would we use it? I guess we'll find out!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Notes/Swollen temple
Yesterday, hubby had a swollen left temple, very painful, tender to touch and a really bad headache. I asked him to contact his doctor, but he did not.
Today, it was a little better. But he was tired. Slept most of the time from 5 pm - 9 pm.
Not sticking to his low purine diet. Had steak last night and again tonight.
He seems to be sinking deeper into a depression.
Just logging my notes
Today, it was a little better. But he was tired. Slept most of the time from 5 pm - 9 pm.
Not sticking to his low purine diet. Had steak last night and again tonight.
He seems to be sinking deeper into a depression.
Just logging my notes
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Normal A1c and daily highs and lows
When I visit the diabetic nutritionist, she continues to explain to me that although my husband's a1c is within normal range, every time he has a low, he has to be having a high at some point in order to balance the a1c to a normal range. And that those continued highs and lows are not so good for everything else that is going on in his body right now.
He thinks that because his a1c is normal, everything that is going on in his body is related to anything other than his diabetis.
He is such a brilliant man in so many areas, but his logic fails to present itself when it comes to this disease. This past weekend, he said he was having a low and reached for a piece of cake at a relative's house. I noticed that he did not test his blood sugar, so I ponder if he simply just wanted a piece of cake and knew I would see him eat it? or if he was really having a low.....and why did he not notice the "high" that he must have had to balance out his a1c?
Yesterday, we went out to lunch and he did eat a healthy lunch, but then topped it off with a huge piece of chocolate cake and ice cream.
With so many medical problems, I have to wonder if he's not trying to speed up the process, the natural progression of this disease by eating like this. Or is it just beyond the realm of possibilty for him to believe that he can halt the progression? He says that with a normal a1c, there is no need for him to prick himself at all.
There are weeks like this when I think this is the lull before the storm. What will I do if he goes blind? Will I stay? Would I be able to provide care for him? What will I do if the surgeon he is scheduled to visit recommends amputating his feet? There are days when it's almost too much to think about. There are days when I refuse to think about it at all. And there are days when I just get so angry and upset because he won't even try to halt the progression of this disease.
I think today needs to be a day for me to just put it all out of my head and find something constructive to do. One of the greatest things about blogging is that I can write down my fears.....and then stop thinking about them. Writing....it can be such good therapy!
He thinks that because his a1c is normal, everything that is going on in his body is related to anything other than his diabetis.
He is such a brilliant man in so many areas, but his logic fails to present itself when it comes to this disease. This past weekend, he said he was having a low and reached for a piece of cake at a relative's house. I noticed that he did not test his blood sugar, so I ponder if he simply just wanted a piece of cake and knew I would see him eat it? or if he was really having a low.....and why did he not notice the "high" that he must have had to balance out his a1c?
Yesterday, we went out to lunch and he did eat a healthy lunch, but then topped it off with a huge piece of chocolate cake and ice cream.
With so many medical problems, I have to wonder if he's not trying to speed up the process, the natural progression of this disease by eating like this. Or is it just beyond the realm of possibilty for him to believe that he can halt the progression? He says that with a normal a1c, there is no need for him to prick himself at all.
There are weeks like this when I think this is the lull before the storm. What will I do if he goes blind? Will I stay? Would I be able to provide care for him? What will I do if the surgeon he is scheduled to visit recommends amputating his feet? There are days when it's almost too much to think about. There are days when I refuse to think about it at all. And there are days when I just get so angry and upset because he won't even try to halt the progression of this disease.
I think today needs to be a day for me to just put it all out of my head and find something constructive to do. One of the greatest things about blogging is that I can write down my fears.....and then stop thinking about them. Writing....it can be such good therapy!
Monday, May 28, 2007
More spouses.....
A friend found this link and sent it to me:
http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/thread/88751.aspx
So perhaps spouses are starting to speak out about uncontolled diabetes and a person's unwillingness to take care of themselves.
My hubby already has neuropathy, kidney failure, erectile dysfunction, tophi gout, high blood pressure, loss of nerve endings/feelings and loss of eyesight.
He will not eat a thing all day long and then eat a bag of Dove chocolate because his sugar is low.
One person wrote "I told him I've been a caregiver all my life and dont feel like seeing you dieing".
I can certainly understand where this person is coming from.
Another wife wrote: " I TRY VERY HARD TO FIX THE KINDS OF FOODS HE SHOULD EAT. HE EATS WHAT I FIX AND THEN GOES TO THE STORE AND GET COOKIES OR CANDY AND EATS THAT".
Oh, that is just so familiar!
Someone suggest printing out facts from the internet. I have tried that. Hubby says you can find anything to prove anything on the internet. And he is probably right on that one. But you would think something from the Mayo Clinic would have an impact on him...but it doesn't.
It is so sad to read about the other diabetics who do not take care of themselves. It makes me want to cry because I know exactly what the spouses are going through.
______________
Hubby informed me that he has a cataract coming on one eye. He has had cornea transplant and already wears soft lenses over hard lenses and reading glasses for close up work. I read somewhere that high blood sugars raises the risk of cataract by 40%. His doctors have told him to pay attention to it and when he starts to notice a loss of vision they will discuss it more. He has also been told that he may need new cornea transplants in the near future.
I guess I hadn't thought much about the risk of him going blind...but I know it's possible.
All the signs are there. He just can't "see" what his continued eating pattern does to him. He had cake and pie on Saturday.
http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/thread/88751.aspx
So perhaps spouses are starting to speak out about uncontolled diabetes and a person's unwillingness to take care of themselves.
My hubby already has neuropathy, kidney failure, erectile dysfunction, tophi gout, high blood pressure, loss of nerve endings/feelings and loss of eyesight.
He will not eat a thing all day long and then eat a bag of Dove chocolate because his sugar is low.
One person wrote "I told him I've been a caregiver all my life and dont feel like seeing you dieing".
I can certainly understand where this person is coming from.
Another wife wrote: " I TRY VERY HARD TO FIX THE KINDS OF FOODS HE SHOULD EAT. HE EATS WHAT I FIX AND THEN GOES TO THE STORE AND GET COOKIES OR CANDY AND EATS THAT".
Oh, that is just so familiar!
Someone suggest printing out facts from the internet. I have tried that. Hubby says you can find anything to prove anything on the internet. And he is probably right on that one. But you would think something from the Mayo Clinic would have an impact on him...but it doesn't.
It is so sad to read about the other diabetics who do not take care of themselves. It makes me want to cry because I know exactly what the spouses are going through.
______________
Hubby informed me that he has a cataract coming on one eye. He has had cornea transplant and already wears soft lenses over hard lenses and reading glasses for close up work. I read somewhere that high blood sugars raises the risk of cataract by 40%. His doctors have told him to pay attention to it and when he starts to notice a loss of vision they will discuss it more. He has also been told that he may need new cornea transplants in the near future.
I guess I hadn't thought much about the risk of him going blind...but I know it's possible.
All the signs are there. He just can't "see" what his continued eating pattern does to him. He had cake and pie on Saturday.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Day 12 of my altered life
No soda, no sugar, no chocolate, no fried foods, nothing but healthy eating. And loads of water.
Next step is to add walking and exercise. Taking it slow. Living one day hour by hour. But I am feeling so much better.
Maybe simply because I'm making time to do something solely for me. Maybe because I am eating healthy.
Maybe just because it's time.
Next step is to add walking and exercise. Taking it slow. Living one day hour by hour. But I am feeling so much better.
Maybe simply because I'm making time to do something solely for me. Maybe because I am eating healthy.
Maybe just because it's time.
The power of prayer.....
There is a verse in the Bible that says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. I have never doubted that, but I have always realized how tiny and insignificant my faith is as I can't begin to move a mountain.
But I do have faith in the power of prayer. And sometimes it just shocks me. And I don't know why because I continue to keep that verse in the foremost part of my thoughts.
Last night, my cousin and my sister spent the night in the guest bedroom. That meant I slept with my hubby. I think he was quite happy, but I was dreading it because of the flopping, tossing, turning and snoring. I finally went up to bed about midnight and put in my earplugs and just started praying. I prayed for Jehovah to heal this man that I love. I prayed for open passages so he could breathe without snoring. I prayed for calmed nerves so his legs wouldn't jump on the bed. I fell asleep praying....
and I woke up at 5:30 am. Refreshed, rested, ready to go!
I want to work on increasing my faith....I want it to grow from the size of an microscopic amoeba to something greater than that. I don't need to move a mountain, but I do need to have the faith that this will all work out.
Somewhere I have a mustard seed necklace that was my Grandmother's. I need to go find that.
But I do have faith in the power of prayer. And sometimes it just shocks me. And I don't know why because I continue to keep that verse in the foremost part of my thoughts.
Last night, my cousin and my sister spent the night in the guest bedroom. That meant I slept with my hubby. I think he was quite happy, but I was dreading it because of the flopping, tossing, turning and snoring. I finally went up to bed about midnight and put in my earplugs and just started praying. I prayed for Jehovah to heal this man that I love. I prayed for open passages so he could breathe without snoring. I prayed for calmed nerves so his legs wouldn't jump on the bed. I fell asleep praying....
and I woke up at 5:30 am. Refreshed, rested, ready to go!
I want to work on increasing my faith....I want it to grow from the size of an microscopic amoeba to something greater than that. I don't need to move a mountain, but I do need to have the faith that this will all work out.
Somewhere I have a mustard seed necklace that was my Grandmother's. I need to go find that.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Ear plugs??? EAR PLUGS?????
LOLOL! Sorry, I just had to type that. Someone posted a response to an earlier post that ear plugs are needed even with a CPAP machine. Oh me...I wish I had a machine that measures decibles.....he's totally over the limit. OK....when he is in bed on the second floor and I am in the basement, with 3 doors shut between us, I can still hear him snore. Just imagine what it's like to be in bed next to him! No one sleeps!
Last night, I laid here and just watched him. He was sleeping on his stomach. Snoring loudly. But his lower leg would raise up, rotate in a circle a couple of times and then just bang back down to the bed so hard it would bounce me up off the bed. Now, I know this sounds strange, but I know he was sound asleep as he was snoring quite deeply (translate that loud). And this didn't happen once, it repeated over and over until I finally just got up and went to sleep on the sofa.
But it totally amazed me that his foot would raise straight up from the knee, perpendicular to his leg, rotate in a circle anywhere from 1 to 3 times and then just as if it lost all sense of being, drop with a dead weight to the bed.
And I can't believe it didn't wake him up.
I asked him this morning if he knew he was doing that and I don't think he believed me at all....it was just so bizzare.
Ear plugs won't do a thing to solve the tidal wave that leg of his creates! I so hope the sleep study will turn up something.
Good news. We rode 5 hours on the ATV today over very rugged terrain. I know he is sore and exhausted....but he was outside doing something! I'm planning at least 2 rides for next weekend. However, I think I may be the one who is in the most pain at the moment! LOL! It's really hard when the body gets old, but the brain doesn't. I still think I can do all the things I did when I was 18. Well, I'm not giving up this sport just yet.
And by the way. Day 8 with no diet soda for me! Yeah!
Last night, I laid here and just watched him. He was sleeping on his stomach. Snoring loudly. But his lower leg would raise up, rotate in a circle a couple of times and then just bang back down to the bed so hard it would bounce me up off the bed. Now, I know this sounds strange, but I know he was sound asleep as he was snoring quite deeply (translate that loud). And this didn't happen once, it repeated over and over until I finally just got up and went to sleep on the sofa.
But it totally amazed me that his foot would raise straight up from the knee, perpendicular to his leg, rotate in a circle anywhere from 1 to 3 times and then just as if it lost all sense of being, drop with a dead weight to the bed.
And I can't believe it didn't wake him up.
I asked him this morning if he knew he was doing that and I don't think he believed me at all....it was just so bizzare.
Ear plugs won't do a thing to solve the tidal wave that leg of his creates! I so hope the sleep study will turn up something.
Good news. We rode 5 hours on the ATV today over very rugged terrain. I know he is sore and exhausted....but he was outside doing something! I'm planning at least 2 rides for next weekend. However, I think I may be the one who is in the most pain at the moment! LOL! It's really hard when the body gets old, but the brain doesn't. I still think I can do all the things I did when I was 18. Well, I'm not giving up this sport just yet.
And by the way. Day 8 with no diet soda for me! Yeah!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Long distance lows
What do you do when you are 3 hours away and you know he is having a low?
The plans are that he drive up this evening with the ATV and we go out tomorrow with my sis and her hubby. Granted, we have not been out since last fall and this is an unplanned trip. He has called me numerous times looking for things that he needs for the ride. Goves, goggles, etc.
So he calls me a little bit ago and says, "I am really getting tired of this Easter egg hunt you are taking me on. Where did you put the trailer hitch?" I said, "I wouldn't have put it anywhere, you would have put it up." And he said, "You took it off the truck." And I said, "No, that's something you would have done." And he replied, "I don't know why you take it off, but you always take it off the truck." And I said, "I don't need this, goodbye."
Now...a bit of logic thinking. The truck is his. I have a 4WD vehicle. "My" trailer hitch is on my vehicle. So why on earth would I take his off? and leave mine on? So I can tell he is not thinking well and therefore, must be in a low. I'm not there, so I can't tell for sure. But the one thing I do know is that I have never taken the trailer hitch off his truck. I would have no reason to do that.
So once again, I'm sure he has not eaten a thing all day long, (I wasn't there to fix meals for him) he is trying to do something and it's not working for him, so he is calling me, 3 hours away from him, and blaming all the problems on me.
Well, that tells me a couple of things. I can't escape his lows no matter where I am. And it reinforces what a lovely week I've had.
I think if he calls me one more time, I will just tell him nicely to stay home. It's just not worth the frustration of all this.
And I have had such a lovely week. So much that I am dreading going home. Now, isn't that sad?
No answers needed....I'm just thinking out loud, and documenting yet one more incident because I know he will not remember that he blamed me for this.
Note to self. When you get home, go buy some type of shelving for the garage where everything is out in the open. Most likely he looked inside the tub and there was a jacket or blanket on top that he did not bother to remove. So you need to put everything out in the open where it can be easily found.
The plans are that he drive up this evening with the ATV and we go out tomorrow with my sis and her hubby. Granted, we have not been out since last fall and this is an unplanned trip. He has called me numerous times looking for things that he needs for the ride. Goves, goggles, etc.
So he calls me a little bit ago and says, "I am really getting tired of this Easter egg hunt you are taking me on. Where did you put the trailer hitch?" I said, "I wouldn't have put it anywhere, you would have put it up." And he said, "You took it off the truck." And I said, "No, that's something you would have done." And he replied, "I don't know why you take it off, but you always take it off the truck." And I said, "I don't need this, goodbye."
Now...a bit of logic thinking. The truck is his. I have a 4WD vehicle. "My" trailer hitch is on my vehicle. So why on earth would I take his off? and leave mine on? So I can tell he is not thinking well and therefore, must be in a low. I'm not there, so I can't tell for sure. But the one thing I do know is that I have never taken the trailer hitch off his truck. I would have no reason to do that.
So once again, I'm sure he has not eaten a thing all day long, (I wasn't there to fix meals for him) he is trying to do something and it's not working for him, so he is calling me, 3 hours away from him, and blaming all the problems on me.
Well, that tells me a couple of things. I can't escape his lows no matter where I am. And it reinforces what a lovely week I've had.
I think if he calls me one more time, I will just tell him nicely to stay home. It's just not worth the frustration of all this.
And I have had such a lovely week. So much that I am dreading going home. Now, isn't that sad?
No answers needed....I'm just thinking out loud, and documenting yet one more incident because I know he will not remember that he blamed me for this.
Note to self. When you get home, go buy some type of shelving for the garage where everything is out in the open. Most likely he looked inside the tub and there was a jacket or blanket on top that he did not bother to remove. So you need to put everything out in the open where it can be easily found.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Day 5 of my new altered life
So, I left home last Saturday. Took a leisurely drive up through the mountains. Spent the night at mom's and celebrated Mother's Day with her. Then took another 3 hour drive up a different mountain highway to get to a small place where 2 of my sisters live. I have been here all week. It has been a slice of heaven! One of my sisters and I are starting a jewelry making business. So we have been designing and creating prototypes all week long.
When I left home, I decided to give no soda a try. Today is day 5. I will survive! LOL! I also decided to totally alter the way I eat. Day 5. I will survive that as well! I am hoping that when I get home, I can continue doing good things for me, regardless of what else goes on in my life.
Hubby is driving up tomorrow and we will spend the weekend out exploring the surrounding hills on our ATVs. It will get him outside which is so good for him! And good for me as well!
It's been such a nice week. I've slept 8 - 10 hours every night. So I'm starting to feel a bit more rested. We've been in constant contact via cell phone calls...but it's just been a nice reprieve to be away, to have time to think, to be creative with my sister. We've had lunch with our other sister almost every day, so that's been fun, too.
And we've been walking every day.
I think I've just decided that hubby can eat all the bags of Dove chocolate that he wants. I'm going to get serious and take off my extra 25 pounds, do good things for me and put good things in my body. Hmmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I'm having too much hope that it will rub off on him? Nope! I'm doing this for me, not for him. I'll be fixing salad for me and he will be cooking for himself! Well, unless he wants salad with me!
Feels good!
When I left home, I decided to give no soda a try. Today is day 5. I will survive! LOL! I also decided to totally alter the way I eat. Day 5. I will survive that as well! I am hoping that when I get home, I can continue doing good things for me, regardless of what else goes on in my life.
Hubby is driving up tomorrow and we will spend the weekend out exploring the surrounding hills on our ATVs. It will get him outside which is so good for him! And good for me as well!
It's been such a nice week. I've slept 8 - 10 hours every night. So I'm starting to feel a bit more rested. We've been in constant contact via cell phone calls...but it's just been a nice reprieve to be away, to have time to think, to be creative with my sister. We've had lunch with our other sister almost every day, so that's been fun, too.
And we've been walking every day.
I think I've just decided that hubby can eat all the bags of Dove chocolate that he wants. I'm going to get serious and take off my extra 25 pounds, do good things for me and put good things in my body. Hmmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I'm having too much hope that it will rub off on him? Nope! I'm doing this for me, not for him. I'll be fixing salad for me and he will be cooking for himself! Well, unless he wants salad with me!
Feels good!
Friday, May 11, 2007
And the doctor said......
Well, he finally had his appointment with his doctor today. He has rescheduled it for 3 months now! So here's the outcome:
1. They are scheduling him for a sleep study (good!). He does scare me to death when he quits breathing in the middle of the night.
2. They are scheduling him to see a surgeon about the bunions on his feet. Not so sure how I feel about this one as I think it is tophi gout....but we will wait and see what the surgeon says.
3. Scheudling him to see a foot doctor since the uric acid levels continue to go down, but the swelling and nodules are still in his feet (different bumps and lumps from the ones the doctor thinks are bunions)
4. His prostate is enlarged. He has been having a weak urine sream. And they gave him 2 more prescriptions to handle this.
5. They told him to lose weight and to exercise.
And sent him off for a slew more labs that we won't know about for a week or so.
No new A1c yet. No new kidney function yet. Sigh.
I was out all day long and came home to find him with a bag of Dove chocolate in his hands. Sigh.
Life goes on. It's dinner out and a movie tonight.
1. They are scheduling him for a sleep study (good!). He does scare me to death when he quits breathing in the middle of the night.
2. They are scheduling him to see a surgeon about the bunions on his feet. Not so sure how I feel about this one as I think it is tophi gout....but we will wait and see what the surgeon says.
3. Scheudling him to see a foot doctor since the uric acid levels continue to go down, but the swelling and nodules are still in his feet (different bumps and lumps from the ones the doctor thinks are bunions)
4. His prostate is enlarged. He has been having a weak urine sream. And they gave him 2 more prescriptions to handle this.
5. They told him to lose weight and to exercise.
And sent him off for a slew more labs that we won't know about for a week or so.
No new A1c yet. No new kidney function yet. Sigh.
I was out all day long and came home to find him with a bag of Dove chocolate in his hands. Sigh.
Life goes on. It's dinner out and a movie tonight.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Why are diabetics so sensitive?
Recently I have been inundated with posts that I have not allowed. They seem to be coming from rather young, type 1 diabetics. People trying to tell me, the spouse of a type 2 diabetic, how to take care of him.
I was told that my question "Does diabetes make you lazy?" is an "unfair question". HELLO!!! It is a question. Not a statement, not an opinion..just a question!!! How on earth can a question be unfair....unless you are reading it as a statement!
I was told that "diabetes doesn't make anyone anything except a person with a disfunctional pancreas". OK....what about a pair of non-functioning kidneys? What about all the other things that diabetes makes a person? What about the emotional things it makes a person? Aren't there just a myriad of things that diabetes "makes" a person? I think the author of that comment must be in denial about all the things that diabetes is.
Note: the words "I think" should be read "this is just my opinion, it is not a statement, and it is not a general statement about all diabetics"!!!
I was told that I have "strong words against diabetes". Sorry, my words are about the results of diabetes....not about diabetes itself. Read carefully....I am writing about the impact that this disease has on a spouse. And it is my PERSONAL story of what happens in this single, solitary family.
But I may change my mind on that one. If having diabetes gives you the "right" to write stuff like this to me....then perhaps you need to sit back and look internally to who you are.
Someone wrote to me "I belive diabetes management is best done when there are multiple people "assisting" the person with the disease. Not doing it for them, not hand holding them every step of the way, but doing what they can to make the burden just a little easier and less lonely."
Well, I will respond to that comment with this: Who is here "assisting" me when he is having a low and is screaming at me to get out of the house? Who is making that a little less lonely? It sure as heck is not him! He can't even remember that he did it....let alone be there for me. Life is a 2-way street. It is give and take. It's not just all take, take, take.....which IS how it is in this house.
There needs to be some balance here. If you have this disease, this blog is not something you are going to want to read....unless you want to make life for your spouse a little easier. If you have type 1, I doubt this blog is for you either.
If you really want to know the frustrations that your spouse might be feeling, if you really want to hear the voice of a woman who is married to a man who does not take care of his out-of-control diabetes, keep reading. If you have highs and lows and don't remember what happened, then read here. If your spouse tells you things that you don't remember, or you don't believe, then read here.
I will continue to write my own, very personal, thoughts on this disease as a view that most of you may not want to hear. I will continue to moderate comments and I will not allow any that come from angry diabetics. Sorry, it's my blog and I will set my own rules. I just wanted to post this to clarify where I am coming from.
That being said, may all of you women have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. If you are the spouse to a diabetic, I especially hope your day is calm and level...you deserve that at least one day a year!
I was told that my question "Does diabetes make you lazy?" is an "unfair question". HELLO!!! It is a question. Not a statement, not an opinion..just a question!!! How on earth can a question be unfair....unless you are reading it as a statement!
I was told that "diabetes doesn't make anyone anything except a person with a disfunctional pancreas". OK....what about a pair of non-functioning kidneys? What about all the other things that diabetes makes a person? What about the emotional things it makes a person? Aren't there just a myriad of things that diabetes "makes" a person? I think the author of that comment must be in denial about all the things that diabetes is.
Note: the words "I think" should be read "this is just my opinion, it is not a statement, and it is not a general statement about all diabetics"!!!
I was told that I have "strong words against diabetes". Sorry, my words are about the results of diabetes....not about diabetes itself. Read carefully....I am writing about the impact that this disease has on a spouse. And it is my PERSONAL story of what happens in this single, solitary family.
But I may change my mind on that one. If having diabetes gives you the "right" to write stuff like this to me....then perhaps you need to sit back and look internally to who you are.
Someone wrote to me "I belive diabetes management is best done when there are multiple people "assisting" the person with the disease. Not doing it for them, not hand holding them every step of the way, but doing what they can to make the burden just a little easier and less lonely."
Well, I will respond to that comment with this: Who is here "assisting" me when he is having a low and is screaming at me to get out of the house? Who is making that a little less lonely? It sure as heck is not him! He can't even remember that he did it....let alone be there for me. Life is a 2-way street. It is give and take. It's not just all take, take, take.....which IS how it is in this house.
There needs to be some balance here. If you have this disease, this blog is not something you are going to want to read....unless you want to make life for your spouse a little easier. If you have type 1, I doubt this blog is for you either.
If you really want to know the frustrations that your spouse might be feeling, if you really want to hear the voice of a woman who is married to a man who does not take care of his out-of-control diabetes, keep reading. If you have highs and lows and don't remember what happened, then read here. If your spouse tells you things that you don't remember, or you don't believe, then read here.
I will continue to write my own, very personal, thoughts on this disease as a view that most of you may not want to hear. I will continue to moderate comments and I will not allow any that come from angry diabetics. Sorry, it's my blog and I will set my own rules. I just wanted to post this to clarify where I am coming from.
That being said, may all of you women have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. If you are the spouse to a diabetic, I especially hope your day is calm and level...you deserve that at least one day a year!
Things do change.
We live 15 hours by car from my in-laws, or it's 6 hours to fly/drive. In the 33 years since my husband left home, he has always been with his mother on Mother's Day. It's the one thing he made quite clear when we got married. And that's always been fine with me.
He told me today that his knees and hips hurt too much to even try and fly down and there's no way that he's driving. Now, before some of you jump the gun and decide to write and tell me this has nothing to do with his diabetes, let me explain that for him, it does. His kidney function is down to 30%. That means that his kidneys cannot remove uric acid from his blood. So it deposits the uric acid crystal in his joints. His joints swell and become red and inflammed. And they hurt him so bad that he cannot walk. Sometimes it presents itself as gouty lumps and he has surgery to have them removed when they exceed the size of a grapefruit. Usually those appear on his elbow.
He has started taking drugs for this and he's been about 50/50 recently on his low purine diet. I'd say that he has a hamburger, hotdog or steak once a week....but that is down from 5-6 times a week in the past.
So things do change. Sadly. His parents are in their late 70s and I know that his mom looks forward to having him with her on Mother's day. But if he can't make a 6 hour trip right now...that tells me that his pain level is much worse that he is letting on.
It just makes you wonder where he will be a year from now?
He told me today that his knees and hips hurt too much to even try and fly down and there's no way that he's driving. Now, before some of you jump the gun and decide to write and tell me this has nothing to do with his diabetes, let me explain that for him, it does. His kidney function is down to 30%. That means that his kidneys cannot remove uric acid from his blood. So it deposits the uric acid crystal in his joints. His joints swell and become red and inflammed. And they hurt him so bad that he cannot walk. Sometimes it presents itself as gouty lumps and he has surgery to have them removed when they exceed the size of a grapefruit. Usually those appear on his elbow.
He has started taking drugs for this and he's been about 50/50 recently on his low purine diet. I'd say that he has a hamburger, hotdog or steak once a week....but that is down from 5-6 times a week in the past.
So things do change. Sadly. His parents are in their late 70s and I know that his mom looks forward to having him with her on Mother's day. But if he can't make a 6 hour trip right now...that tells me that his pain level is much worse that he is letting on.
It just makes you wonder where he will be a year from now?
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Drugs
Several have asked me to post the drugs hubby takes. As best I can tell, here they are.
I'd have to go back and look at my notes, but on the Novolin, he does both at 6 am, then one at 6 pm and the other one at 10 pm and I'm not sure of the doseages.
Gemfibrozil 600MG x2/day for cholesterol
Simvastatin 40MG x1/2/day for cholesterol
Clindamycin 150mg x3/day for infection
Novolin R 100U/ML
Novolin N 100U/ML
Allopurinol 100mg x4/day for gout
Furosemide 20mg x 1/day for fluid retention
Lisinopril 20mg x 1/day fro high blood pressure
Tramadol 50mg x 1 every 6 hours for pain
So in addition to diabetes, he is being treated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and tophus gout. The Clindamycin is for the infections in his joints. He also does a lot of Tylenol arthritis and Pepcid AC. And I think that's it.
Kidney function is holding at 30%
He has postponed his March physical once again. Now it is scheduled for this Friday. He is complaining that his hips and knees hurt so bad he can barely walk or sit. I'm pretty sure it's because of the gnarls on his feet and he walks on the outside edges of his feet....that would be enough to throw off anyone's knees and hips.
Good news....he found a pair of shoes to fit his feet. Size 10 WWW at SAS. First time in 3 years that he has had "real" shoes on his feet. WWW in order to fit around all the gnarly growths on his feet. They only had one pair, so he has ordered a second pair and hopefully they will arrive this week.
Another quiet day as he went into the office. I plan to get loads done!
I'd have to go back and look at my notes, but on the Novolin, he does both at 6 am, then one at 6 pm and the other one at 10 pm and I'm not sure of the doseages.
Gemfibrozil 600MG x2/day for cholesterol
Simvastatin 40MG x1/2/day for cholesterol
Clindamycin 150mg x3/day for infection
Novolin R 100U/ML
Novolin N 100U/ML
Allopurinol 100mg x4/day for gout
Furosemide 20mg x 1/day for fluid retention
Lisinopril 20mg x 1/day fro high blood pressure
Tramadol 50mg x 1 every 6 hours for pain
So in addition to diabetes, he is being treated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and tophus gout. The Clindamycin is for the infections in his joints. He also does a lot of Tylenol arthritis and Pepcid AC. And I think that's it.
Kidney function is holding at 30%
He has postponed his March physical once again. Now it is scheduled for this Friday. He is complaining that his hips and knees hurt so bad he can barely walk or sit. I'm pretty sure it's because of the gnarls on his feet and he walks on the outside edges of his feet....that would be enough to throw off anyone's knees and hips.
Good news....he found a pair of shoes to fit his feet. Size 10 WWW at SAS. First time in 3 years that he has had "real" shoes on his feet. WWW in order to fit around all the gnarly growths on his feet. They only had one pair, so he has ordered a second pair and hopefully they will arrive this week.
Another quiet day as he went into the office. I plan to get loads done!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Only a few more hours....
and hubby returns from his business trip. I have to say, the past 5 days have been sheer bliss. There have been moments when I have just sat here on the sofa and listened to the quiet. I've not had to fix him a darn thing in 5 whole days! I've not had to look at his feet, watch him hobble, take him the phone.....and it has been a little slice of heaven!
What have I done? Well, 2 days were spent with my best friend at a local event we attended. I spent a whole day out shopping. Did a little yardwork and visited another friend. OK...I think I had a touch of a normal life this week!
I did not have to pick up after him, or clean up after him. When I pulled something out of the pantry, it got put back. When I dropped something on the floor, I reached over and picked it up. I think at times, his pain level must be so high that he just can't do simple tasks like that. But on the other hand, he could go out and get himself one of those little grabber thingies! LOL!
Does diabetes make a person lazy? Where is the defining point between living a normal life (picking up the piece of envelope that dropped on the floor) and being in so much pain that you can't bend over to pick it up....or "using" the disease as an excuse to not pick it up?
Good question, huh?
When does a diabetic "give up" and decide to eat all the greasy french fries and sugary drinks that they want rather than saying "no" and eating the right foods?
Do some diabetics never make that choice because they remain in denial that they have this disease?
Do some diabetics consciously make a choice to live the remainder of their lives exactly as they want because they would rather live life to the fullest than die taking a zillion drugs to contol their lives?
Do some diabetics make their choices based on religious beliefs? I went to high school with a gal who's dad died from this disease because he refused to take any type of drugs whatsoever based on their religion. He was a pretty young man when he died. He had 7 children.
Do diabetics have the right to make those kinds of decisions when they have children and spouses that have to deal with the outcome of those decisions?
Feel free to answer those questions.....but I'm going to sit here and contend that spouses and children have the primary rights when it comes to a diabetic and the decisions that they make because I have learned that he cannot remember, and when he is in a low or a high, he cannot make a "healthy" choice for himself.
So....he's on a business trip with a bunch of his work peers. You KNOW he has been eating fried hamburgers, french fries, ice cream sundaes all week long! I dread what will arrive home today as I'm sure he will be on a total sugar high for the next few days.
For the next couple of hours, I'm going to sit here in the quiet solitude of this house and just listen to the silence!
What have I done? Well, 2 days were spent with my best friend at a local event we attended. I spent a whole day out shopping. Did a little yardwork and visited another friend. OK...I think I had a touch of a normal life this week!
I did not have to pick up after him, or clean up after him. When I pulled something out of the pantry, it got put back. When I dropped something on the floor, I reached over and picked it up. I think at times, his pain level must be so high that he just can't do simple tasks like that. But on the other hand, he could go out and get himself one of those little grabber thingies! LOL!
Does diabetes make a person lazy? Where is the defining point between living a normal life (picking up the piece of envelope that dropped on the floor) and being in so much pain that you can't bend over to pick it up....or "using" the disease as an excuse to not pick it up?
Good question, huh?
When does a diabetic "give up" and decide to eat all the greasy french fries and sugary drinks that they want rather than saying "no" and eating the right foods?
Do some diabetics never make that choice because they remain in denial that they have this disease?
Do some diabetics consciously make a choice to live the remainder of their lives exactly as they want because they would rather live life to the fullest than die taking a zillion drugs to contol their lives?
Do some diabetics make their choices based on religious beliefs? I went to high school with a gal who's dad died from this disease because he refused to take any type of drugs whatsoever based on their religion. He was a pretty young man when he died. He had 7 children.
Do diabetics have the right to make those kinds of decisions when they have children and spouses that have to deal with the outcome of those decisions?
Feel free to answer those questions.....but I'm going to sit here and contend that spouses and children have the primary rights when it comes to a diabetic and the decisions that they make because I have learned that he cannot remember, and when he is in a low or a high, he cannot make a "healthy" choice for himself.
So....he's on a business trip with a bunch of his work peers. You KNOW he has been eating fried hamburgers, french fries, ice cream sundaes all week long! I dread what will arrive home today as I'm sure he will be on a total sugar high for the next few days.
For the next couple of hours, I'm going to sit here in the quiet solitude of this house and just listen to the silence!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
It's NOT my job!!!!
Someone posted the following in response to one of my comments:
"If you thought he was low, why didn't you ask him to test and have him eat something sugary?"
and it got my dander up just a tad!
Why on earth does anyone out there think it's the spouse's job to do this?????
OK....if the diabetic individual was doing everything in their power to take care of themselves, i.e., eating healthy, testing, drinking fluids, keeping meds on schedule, exercising, getting therapy.....then I could see perhaps doing this to help them.
But when the patient refuses to do anything to help themselves.....why on earth would you think that the spouse is responsible to help them?
Sorry, I just don't get this one at all.
Sorry, but he has to grow up, get out of his denial, get past his grief, and get on with his life. I cannot do that for him. And I'm not about to put myself into the path of his wrath by suggesting there is any problem with his diabetes! I do need to protect myself.
But seriously. He's not going to take care of himself. Why is it my job to take care of him? Yes, I love him dearly. But he is not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35 or..... he is more than old enough and capable enough to test his own blood, eat healthy, exercise and so on. But since he denies there is a problem......he certainly is not going to do anything to fix something that's not broken.
Sad, isn't it?
"If you thought he was low, why didn't you ask him to test and have him eat something sugary?"
and it got my dander up just a tad!
Why on earth does anyone out there think it's the spouse's job to do this?????
OK....if the diabetic individual was doing everything in their power to take care of themselves, i.e., eating healthy, testing, drinking fluids, keeping meds on schedule, exercising, getting therapy.....then I could see perhaps doing this to help them.
But when the patient refuses to do anything to help themselves.....why on earth would you think that the spouse is responsible to help them?
Sorry, I just don't get this one at all.
Sorry, but he has to grow up, get out of his denial, get past his grief, and get on with his life. I cannot do that for him. And I'm not about to put myself into the path of his wrath by suggesting there is any problem with his diabetes! I do need to protect myself.
But seriously. He's not going to take care of himself. Why is it my job to take care of him? Yes, I love him dearly. But he is not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35 or..... he is more than old enough and capable enough to test his own blood, eat healthy, exercise and so on. But since he denies there is a problem......he certainly is not going to do anything to fix something that's not broken.
Sad, isn't it?
Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!
Second issue this morning. I spent yesterday out with a dear friend. We were driving in the car and like a lightening bolt...it hit me that hubby was supposed to go in for his physical on Thursday (the day before). He either lied to me (he really did not have his annual physical scheduled for Thursday) or he spaced it out and did not go. We were both home all day long on Thursday.
This was supposed to be the visit where he gets his new A1c....and they give him a new kidney function level. I really do not think he "forgot"....I think it was never scheduled.
I think the guy is totally incapable of telling me the truth when it comes to his diabetes. But why lie? Why?
And of course....today is NOT going to be the day I ask him anything! LOL!
Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE this disease?????
This was supposed to be the visit where he gets his new A1c....and they give him a new kidney function level. I really do not think he "forgot"....I think it was never scheduled.
I think the guy is totally incapable of telling me the truth when it comes to his diabetes. But why lie? Why?
And of course....today is NOT going to be the day I ask him anything! LOL!
Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE this disease?????
Weekend War?
I tried sleeping in the same room with him last night. Why? Why on earth do I think that I need to sleep with him just because I'm married to him? Went to bed about 10 pm. Put on the headsets and started to watch a movie on my little DVD player to drown out the TV. He had the volume set to 33 which is not all that bad...my headsets will muffle the surround sound.
Next thing I know....I'm hearing guns and booms and I look up...he's upped his volume to 44! I should have known right then and there he was going into a crash. But you know....some things I just never learn. So I simply turned up the volume on my DVD player and started to snooze off.
About midnight, he got up, banged the doors on his wardrobe, turned off the TV and left the room. Absolutely no idea what he was doing other than the door banging totally work me up.
Fell right back to sleep.
About 3:30 am....I woke up to a thud on the bed. He was throwing those heavy foam pillows on the bed. I just laid there...trying to get out of my sleepy fog. He flopped down on the bed so hard that I raised off my side of the bed. I still just laid there. About 10 minutes later, he was snoring and of course....I was wide awake.
So I decided to just get up and come work in my studio.
At 6:45 am, I hear a thud....a door bang...and then I hear the alarm on my cell phone. It was ringing. He had gotten out of bed. Walked over to my makeup table, unplugged it, gone all the way back across the bedroom, opened the door, walked out into the hall, and thrown it over the balcony onto the sofa downstairs in the living room!!!!
Yet he couldn't just open the flap and turn it off????
I'm in the basement and I hear it ring, so I go upstairs to find it. Went all the way to the upstairs as that's where I'd left it plugged in. Not there. Still ringing. Find it on the sofa. Go back upstairs and ask him, "did you throw my cell phone downstairs?" He says, "no." I said, "You did too!" He said, "No I did not". I said, "I heard you open the door and I heard it hit the sofa!" He said, "I turned it off and 10 minutes later it rang again. You do the same thing to my alarm clock." I said, "I have NEVER thrown your alarm clock down stairs!!!" And I walked out of the room cursing him all the way down the stairs.
It has NOTHING to do with him throwing the cell phone down on the sofa. It has EVERYTHING to do with him waking me up at 3:30 and I quietly leave the room....but if I (via my cell phone) wake him up...he HAS to make a scene.
Weekend war? I think it just started.
Age 10? I think he is there. So my question this morning...has there been any kind of study done to show that a diabetic who is having complete and total out-of-control sugar levels reverts to the IQ and age of a 10 year old? I swear. There has to be come coorelationship to this. I cannot believe that a 50something year old man will pick up a cell phone and throw it over the balcony just because he can't figure out how to turn it off. I KNOW he's in the middle of a low. I just know it.
The other day, he commented that I treat him like a child.
Well...duh! He's certainly acting like a child today!
He's gone back to bed and I'm leaving here in half an hour and may just be gone all day long. I'm so not going to deal with him this weekend. NOT even going to try!
I HATE this disease.
Next thing I know....I'm hearing guns and booms and I look up...he's upped his volume to 44! I should have known right then and there he was going into a crash. But you know....some things I just never learn. So I simply turned up the volume on my DVD player and started to snooze off.
About midnight, he got up, banged the doors on his wardrobe, turned off the TV and left the room. Absolutely no idea what he was doing other than the door banging totally work me up.
Fell right back to sleep.
About 3:30 am....I woke up to a thud on the bed. He was throwing those heavy foam pillows on the bed. I just laid there...trying to get out of my sleepy fog. He flopped down on the bed so hard that I raised off my side of the bed. I still just laid there. About 10 minutes later, he was snoring and of course....I was wide awake.
So I decided to just get up and come work in my studio.
At 6:45 am, I hear a thud....a door bang...and then I hear the alarm on my cell phone. It was ringing. He had gotten out of bed. Walked over to my makeup table, unplugged it, gone all the way back across the bedroom, opened the door, walked out into the hall, and thrown it over the balcony onto the sofa downstairs in the living room!!!!
Yet he couldn't just open the flap and turn it off????
I'm in the basement and I hear it ring, so I go upstairs to find it. Went all the way to the upstairs as that's where I'd left it plugged in. Not there. Still ringing. Find it on the sofa. Go back upstairs and ask him, "did you throw my cell phone downstairs?" He says, "no." I said, "You did too!" He said, "No I did not". I said, "I heard you open the door and I heard it hit the sofa!" He said, "I turned it off and 10 minutes later it rang again. You do the same thing to my alarm clock." I said, "I have NEVER thrown your alarm clock down stairs!!!" And I walked out of the room cursing him all the way down the stairs.
It has NOTHING to do with him throwing the cell phone down on the sofa. It has EVERYTHING to do with him waking me up at 3:30 and I quietly leave the room....but if I (via my cell phone) wake him up...he HAS to make a scene.
Weekend war? I think it just started.
Age 10? I think he is there. So my question this morning...has there been any kind of study done to show that a diabetic who is having complete and total out-of-control sugar levels reverts to the IQ and age of a 10 year old? I swear. There has to be come coorelationship to this. I cannot believe that a 50something year old man will pick up a cell phone and throw it over the balcony just because he can't figure out how to turn it off. I KNOW he's in the middle of a low. I just know it.
The other day, he commented that I treat him like a child.
Well...duh! He's certainly acting like a child today!
He's gone back to bed and I'm leaving here in half an hour and may just be gone all day long. I'm so not going to deal with him this weekend. NOT even going to try!
I HATE this disease.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Marijuana and diabetis
I've done all the research on this that's available on the internet. Marijuana does provide pain relief. BUT it also impacts the release of glucose into the body and sets off yet another rollercoaster affect. Sort of the same thing as if you hit your finger with a hammer and started screaming....there's that rush that forces the body to generate glucose and release it.....which follows with a low.
But he seems to think the occassional relief of pain is worth the roller coaster ride.
After all....he's inside the ride...he's not on the outside watching the total destruction that's going on.
Anyone else watching the ride, wondering when the body is going to go fly off and hit a brick wall and come to a screatching stop?
But he seems to think the occassional relief of pain is worth the roller coaster ride.
After all....he's inside the ride...he's not on the outside watching the total destruction that's going on.
Anyone else watching the ride, wondering when the body is going to go fly off and hit a brick wall and come to a screatching stop?
Monday, April 23, 2007
Drama! Drama! Drama!!!
NEVER ask a diabetic a question! My new rule. He called me into his office as his company has changed life insurance carriers and he can up his insurance one time without a physical. He wanted to know if he should do that. I said I couldn't see why not. So with that as the lead in, I asked him if I could join him for his next physical. And he totally blew up at me, yelling and screaming. Which was interrpted by a business call.
So I give up. I will not ask him again and I will not be going with him to his physical.
I got up and came to my studio and just sat here. I nearly started a blog. I knew that as soon as his meeting was over, he would be down here apologizing, kissing me. And he was.
It's this total, constant roller coaster of emotions that I cannot deal with. Yes....I created the roller coaster. I did not need to ask him if I could go to his physical. But it really is "my" disease in that I have no idea what the prognosis is, I do not know what drugs he is taking let alone the contradictions of these drugs....and I would like to know.
But I guess I will continue to live in the dark, and continue to learn as much as I can about this disease.
So I give up. I will not ask him again and I will not be going with him to his physical.
I got up and came to my studio and just sat here. I nearly started a blog. I knew that as soon as his meeting was over, he would be down here apologizing, kissing me. And he was.
It's this total, constant roller coaster of emotions that I cannot deal with. Yes....I created the roller coaster. I did not need to ask him if I could go to his physical. But it really is "my" disease in that I have no idea what the prognosis is, I do not know what drugs he is taking let alone the contradictions of these drugs....and I would like to know.
But I guess I will continue to live in the dark, and continue to learn as much as I can about this disease.
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