It was NOT cancer. It WAS a diabetic dermopathy. Like I suspected. Isn't it amazing what you can learn from the internet? There are some pretty accurate photos that tell me exactly what is going on with his body. So sad that he doesn't car enough to study, research and learn. I guess I want to know what to expect next.
He has his major 6 month lab tests coming up on the 20th. He will get a new a1c, and we'll learn how all the other levels are doing. It will be interesting to see where we are. He acknowledged today the he has "restless leg syndrome"....I sort of had to chuckle. I'm not sure if that's what he has...but I haven't slept in the same bed with him in a month because every time I try...he jumps and bounces so much that I'm awake all night long. I asked him if he would consider talking to his doctor about sleep apne. He didn't answer me yes or no....but at least the thought is out there. I know he quits breathing several times every night. But again....he has to want to help himself. But I think it doesn't hurt to put the thoughts out there.
My design work is keeping me quite busy, spending late nights in my studio and traveling a bit. A particularily busy week this week. He says that he "misses me", but I continue to explain that I need to build a life, that my life doesn't stop because he doesn't want to go on. So today, he actually got up and walked on the treadmill for 5 minutes. And said he was going to try to walk some every day and ride the stationary bicycle. I felt like doing a victory dance!
He has had about 3 weeks of severe back pain....seems to need more and more naps. Is it the pain wearing him out? Or is something else going on? He is now working from home almost full time, will set alarms for meetings and sleep between phone calls. So far it seems to be working.
And he did say that he is thinking about trying to work for 3 more years, and then filing for disability. At least he has a goal....being able to work for 3 more years. I think that is good!
He also agreed to try to do one more trip through Europe. Mostly on the trains. I know it really is a struggle for him to move that much, but he would like to see the south of France, and I want to go back to Germany. So hopefully we can do that this fall....again, something to look forward to.
In general, all is quiet and I just wanted to check in and report that it wasn't cancer.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Melanoma or diabetic dermopathy or something else?
He has a spot on his left arm that he claims is skin cancer. He has had some of these burnt off in the past. His dad, also a diabetic, gets them and goes in every 3 months to have them all burned off. But about 4 weeks ago, this one developed a yellow tint to the edges, then started to grow as a lump. He scratches it, so the top is now a scab and it's hard to say what it might look like if he did not scratch it.
He went to a doctor today (finally, even though it was just a GP) and they are going to biopsy it tomorrow. He is certain that it is malignant cancer.
I think (due to the yellow edge around the scab) that it looks more like diabetic dermopathy or tophaceous gout.
I'm starting to think I should go to med school....just so I can understand what's going on. He is in complete denial that anything can be related to or caused by diabetes. I'm pretty sure everything new that is happening to him has some direct connection to his diabetes. I'd guess the answer is somewhere between those 2 factors.
It is exhausting some days just trying to stay one step ahead of what is happening to his body. There is still no change in his acceptance of this disease. I think there has been a change in me. This blog has been so good for me. It's at least a place where I can express my feelings rather than bottling them all up inside of me. I find myself getting out more, doing things with friends, creating a life for me. Perhaps I just got consumed with his disease and needed a few people to remind me that it's all his...not mine!
He went to a doctor today (finally, even though it was just a GP) and they are going to biopsy it tomorrow. He is certain that it is malignant cancer.
I think (due to the yellow edge around the scab) that it looks more like diabetic dermopathy or tophaceous gout.
I'm starting to think I should go to med school....just so I can understand what's going on. He is in complete denial that anything can be related to or caused by diabetes. I'm pretty sure everything new that is happening to him has some direct connection to his diabetes. I'd guess the answer is somewhere between those 2 factors.
It is exhausting some days just trying to stay one step ahead of what is happening to his body. There is still no change in his acceptance of this disease. I think there has been a change in me. This blog has been so good for me. It's at least a place where I can express my feelings rather than bottling them all up inside of me. I find myself getting out more, doing things with friends, creating a life for me. Perhaps I just got consumed with his disease and needed a few people to remind me that it's all his...not mine!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I am just so tired today!
And I know it's because I did not get any sleep at all last night. Because he was not sleeping. He would get up, toss, turn, flop....to the point the entire bed bounced several times over. He had gas so bad the puppies would run out from under the blankets, jump down onto the floor, go under the bed, then come back up and crawl under the blankets....until the next episode. And I was too tired to get up and leave the room but I finally did around 4 am.
I'm pretty sure the gas is a result of an eating binge consisting of Dove chocolate, Girl Scout cookies, potato chips and chips and salsa. Yep...for about 4 hours last night he couldn't quit eating junk food.
Sarah, I so understand about staying away to stay sane. I don't know how much longer I can sit here and watch this man kill himself. But today, I am just too tired to even think about leaving him.
And I can tell that he has gone to "that place" in his mind. Example. He hates going to the grocery store. We talked yesterday about going sometime today. But from past patterns, I know he has to work up to it and it's usually after lunch, late afternoon, before we go. So I got up, put on my painting clothes (yes, the wall painting is going quite slow, but I am on my second room!) and he sees me in these clothes and decides he wants to go to the grocery now.
Had I dressed to go shopping....he would not want to go til later.
It's a total no-win situation with him. So I simply told him I was painting this morning while the sun light is good and that we can go to the store later today, or he can go without me. Of course....he's angry. Of course, it's 9:30am and he hasn't had a thing to eat today.....after a sugar binge last night. And I don't think he got any better sleep than I did.
I'm starting to think it's time for another visit to therapy. He has started on another spending binge and he is looking to purchase some huge ticket items. We can afford the debt....but will he live to pay it off? His credit line is so good no one seems to turn him down. Why is it there's not some red flag at the bank that says "man with diabetes....may not live to pay this back"?
Buying is a sign of sure depression in my mind. He is trying to make his life better by buying something new. Or is it that he knows he is going to die and doesn't care about the debt/mess he leaves behind for me?
We do not need new things. He needs counseling, he needs help, he needs to get out of his denial, to process his own grief, to accept this disease and to learn how to control it and live with it. But a 4 hour sugar binge just sends him into a downward spiral. Hitting rock bottom for him only seems to initiate a spending binge.
Is there anyone else out there who is living with an out-of-control diabetic? How do you sit there and watch them destroy themselves and their family one step at a time? Do you just give up and walk away? Or are you like me, so tired you can't function?
His feet seem to be getting worse. In my mind, I have nicknamed him "the hobbler". He walks on the outsides of his feet, I'm sure to relieve the pain. The lumps seem to come and go in different places, some bigger than others. The drugs do not seem to be eliminating them at all. He wants to do less and less....and thus I seem to be doing more and more. Maybe that's why I'm so tired?
Today, I'm going to clean out paperwork. Really...it's a form of therapy for me. Doesn't require any physical activity and I will feel good when it's all organized and I can find stuff when I need it.
And maybe take a long nap this afternoon and just send him to the store alone! LOL!
I'm pretty sure the gas is a result of an eating binge consisting of Dove chocolate, Girl Scout cookies, potato chips and chips and salsa. Yep...for about 4 hours last night he couldn't quit eating junk food.
Sarah, I so understand about staying away to stay sane. I don't know how much longer I can sit here and watch this man kill himself. But today, I am just too tired to even think about leaving him.
And I can tell that he has gone to "that place" in his mind. Example. He hates going to the grocery store. We talked yesterday about going sometime today. But from past patterns, I know he has to work up to it and it's usually after lunch, late afternoon, before we go. So I got up, put on my painting clothes (yes, the wall painting is going quite slow, but I am on my second room!) and he sees me in these clothes and decides he wants to go to the grocery now.
Had I dressed to go shopping....he would not want to go til later.
It's a total no-win situation with him. So I simply told him I was painting this morning while the sun light is good and that we can go to the store later today, or he can go without me. Of course....he's angry. Of course, it's 9:30am and he hasn't had a thing to eat today.....after a sugar binge last night. And I don't think he got any better sleep than I did.
I'm starting to think it's time for another visit to therapy. He has started on another spending binge and he is looking to purchase some huge ticket items. We can afford the debt....but will he live to pay it off? His credit line is so good no one seems to turn him down. Why is it there's not some red flag at the bank that says "man with diabetes....may not live to pay this back"?
Buying is a sign of sure depression in my mind. He is trying to make his life better by buying something new. Or is it that he knows he is going to die and doesn't care about the debt/mess he leaves behind for me?
We do not need new things. He needs counseling, he needs help, he needs to get out of his denial, to process his own grief, to accept this disease and to learn how to control it and live with it. But a 4 hour sugar binge just sends him into a downward spiral. Hitting rock bottom for him only seems to initiate a spending binge.
Is there anyone else out there who is living with an out-of-control diabetic? How do you sit there and watch them destroy themselves and their family one step at a time? Do you just give up and walk away? Or are you like me, so tired you can't function?
His feet seem to be getting worse. In my mind, I have nicknamed him "the hobbler". He walks on the outsides of his feet, I'm sure to relieve the pain. The lumps seem to come and go in different places, some bigger than others. The drugs do not seem to be eliminating them at all. He wants to do less and less....and thus I seem to be doing more and more. Maybe that's why I'm so tired?
Today, I'm going to clean out paperwork. Really...it's a form of therapy for me. Doesn't require any physical activity and I will feel good when it's all organized and I can find stuff when I need it.
And maybe take a long nap this afternoon and just send him to the store alone! LOL!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
And he says, "Look, my feet are better"......
and I'm thinking "your eyesight is getting worse!" But I didn't say it! LOLOL!
I swear, I do not see any improvement in his feet at all....but perhaps they are feeling better, so I'm going to take this as a positive note in our battle to hang onto all 10 toes! I see him hobble and am not so sure there is any improvement. But life goes on. And I am really pushing him to be a bit more active, to do things, to get out and about.
We made it to LA and San Diego and back in the past few weeks and that is great. I know there were moments when he wanted to give up, but he was a real trooper, helping me out with my projects and work. Travel is always so hard as it's nearly impossible to eat right. I give him credit for really trying to stick to a low purine diet. I just need to convince him that a serving is closer to 3 ounces than 10 ounces! LOLOL! And I need to convince him that when it says 4 servings per week....that doesn't mean you can change the day you "start" your week on whenever you want!
My, he can be funny and taxing at the same time!
I am moving forward with my life. Painting the walls in our house once again. Trying to bring in some color, make things a bit brighter. I've started with the "exercise" room which used to be a guest bedroom. Painted the walls eggplant and peri. OK...shades of purple which is his favorite color. Yes...in the hopes that he will go into the room more often! I have a TV on the wall and a treadmill and bicycle. Now...if I can just get him to use them! I'd love to add a bowflex and then the room would be done. Well, I still need to find a suitable lamp....then it will be done.
Next I'm starting in on the dining area. I'm so tired of plain off-white walls and long for color. And painting walls seems to be quite theraputic for me. Sort of like I'm getting the house ready to sell because I know the day is coming when he is going to be in a wheelchair and we can't stay here.
At the same time, I've relocated my space to the basement where I can spread out....and most importantly, I am not at his fingertips. He will have to get up and fetch his own drink of water, his lunch....I've told him I'm going to work from 8 - 5 every day in the basement.....and he is on his own. Maybe he will decide to start going into the office a bit more if I'm not a holler away! :o)
So, life goes on. At least the screaming and yelling seems to be put at bay for the moment. He does not seem to be quite so frustrated. But I know his blood sugar is still totally out of control and I know he is not eating right. And yes, I do think he is committing suicide one day at a time. But it is a bit like living with an alcoholic. I can't help him. No one can. And until he wants to help himself....all I can do is take care of me.
Hope you all are doing better as well.
I swear, I do not see any improvement in his feet at all....but perhaps they are feeling better, so I'm going to take this as a positive note in our battle to hang onto all 10 toes! I see him hobble and am not so sure there is any improvement. But life goes on. And I am really pushing him to be a bit more active, to do things, to get out and about.
We made it to LA and San Diego and back in the past few weeks and that is great. I know there were moments when he wanted to give up, but he was a real trooper, helping me out with my projects and work. Travel is always so hard as it's nearly impossible to eat right. I give him credit for really trying to stick to a low purine diet. I just need to convince him that a serving is closer to 3 ounces than 10 ounces! LOLOL! And I need to convince him that when it says 4 servings per week....that doesn't mean you can change the day you "start" your week on whenever you want!
My, he can be funny and taxing at the same time!
I am moving forward with my life. Painting the walls in our house once again. Trying to bring in some color, make things a bit brighter. I've started with the "exercise" room which used to be a guest bedroom. Painted the walls eggplant and peri. OK...shades of purple which is his favorite color. Yes...in the hopes that he will go into the room more often! I have a TV on the wall and a treadmill and bicycle. Now...if I can just get him to use them! I'd love to add a bowflex and then the room would be done. Well, I still need to find a suitable lamp....then it will be done.
Next I'm starting in on the dining area. I'm so tired of plain off-white walls and long for color. And painting walls seems to be quite theraputic for me. Sort of like I'm getting the house ready to sell because I know the day is coming when he is going to be in a wheelchair and we can't stay here.
At the same time, I've relocated my space to the basement where I can spread out....and most importantly, I am not at his fingertips. He will have to get up and fetch his own drink of water, his lunch....I've told him I'm going to work from 8 - 5 every day in the basement.....and he is on his own. Maybe he will decide to start going into the office a bit more if I'm not a holler away! :o)
So, life goes on. At least the screaming and yelling seems to be put at bay for the moment. He does not seem to be quite so frustrated. But I know his blood sugar is still totally out of control and I know he is not eating right. And yes, I do think he is committing suicide one day at a time. But it is a bit like living with an alcoholic. I can't help him. No one can. And until he wants to help himself....all I can do is take care of me.
Hope you all are doing better as well.
Monday, January 15, 2007
January update
My gosh, I can't believe the month is almost half over already. Hubby's toe got so horrible that he took one of his needles and popped it! I know...how dangerous is that? It drained forever, then collapsed inwards, turned totally black...and then healed! I could hardly believe my eyes. But it was only temporary...it has started to swell, fester, turn red all over again.
Of course, now he will set a pattern and just pop it again when it gets so painful he can't stand it.
He "said" his doctor's visit was cancelled....but I'm beginning to wonder if he ever had one? He was supposed to reschedule today and did not. He is the worst person ever when it comes to going to see his MDs.
Our Christmas Eve was the absolute worst night of my life. His mother had a "melt down" (remember, she's the drama queen) while his dad and he were both going through sugar lows. Everyone was yelling and his mom was crying. I literally packed my bags up and told him I was heading home. Interesting how that shocked the insulin back into his system and he returned to a somewhat sane person. I stayed and the rest of our visit to his parents was halfway sane.
Things have been pretty calm since we returned. I think he realized that maybe he can't be there for every holiday, that when he is sick, he needs to just stay home and take care of himself. So all in all, the trip was an eye-opener and good for both of us.
His feet are still just horrible, but he is making a great effort to walk and do things. We leave in a week to go to southern California on a business/pleasure trip, so I'm very hopeful that we can make this trip and things will be good.
He has been pretty good at sticking to the low purine diet. But he is still eating way too much sugar/sweets. I feel sorry for him because I know how badly he wants a hamburger. And I'm so pleased that he has not given in. He's been on this new plan for 3 weeks now. At least it is a step in the right direction!
Of course, now he will set a pattern and just pop it again when it gets so painful he can't stand it.
He "said" his doctor's visit was cancelled....but I'm beginning to wonder if he ever had one? He was supposed to reschedule today and did not. He is the worst person ever when it comes to going to see his MDs.
Our Christmas Eve was the absolute worst night of my life. His mother had a "melt down" (remember, she's the drama queen) while his dad and he were both going through sugar lows. Everyone was yelling and his mom was crying. I literally packed my bags up and told him I was heading home. Interesting how that shocked the insulin back into his system and he returned to a somewhat sane person. I stayed and the rest of our visit to his parents was halfway sane.
Things have been pretty calm since we returned. I think he realized that maybe he can't be there for every holiday, that when he is sick, he needs to just stay home and take care of himself. So all in all, the trip was an eye-opener and good for both of us.
His feet are still just horrible, but he is making a great effort to walk and do things. We leave in a week to go to southern California on a business/pleasure trip, so I'm very hopeful that we can make this trip and things will be good.
He has been pretty good at sticking to the low purine diet. But he is still eating way too much sugar/sweets. I feel sorry for him because I know how badly he wants a hamburger. And I'm so pleased that he has not given in. He's been on this new plan for 3 weeks now. At least it is a step in the right direction!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Holiday Stress
1. Wednesday am it started snowing. We were supposed to leave Thursday for a 15 hour drive to spend Christmas with his parents. By Thursday noon, we had 29" of snow and were busy blowing the stuff out of our driveway and most of our neighbors.
2. Friday morning, we decided to leave to beat the next front that was coming through. Hubby brought his bags downstairs and said, "I feel light headed and I can't get my breath." So I ordered him to just sit in the chair for a bit. About an hour later, he said he was fine and we took off. I argued that we didn't have to leave right then. We could wait til he felt better. We could wait at least a day until the snow had melted off the roads a bit more. Nope...there was another front coming through and we had to leave right then!
3. About 3 hours down the road, he asked me if I could drive. I said sure. Little did I know that he was terribly sick and I would end up driving almost the entire 12 additional hours. We drove til 8 pm and pulled over and got a hotel. We had been stopping almost every hour for him to go to the restroom. Severe diahrrea again. By the time we got to the hotel, he was running a fever, probably 102 - 103. Skin on fire. Not eating or drinking. Up all night long.
4. Next morning, same conditions for him. I have my laptop and start researching online and think it's a reaction to the colchicine and/or allopurinol they started him on about 2 1/2 weeks ago. In the back of my mind I seemed to remember reading about possible severe diahrrea, stomach cramps, burning sensations.....
5. I end up driving the entire 5 more hours to our destination while he sleeps almost the entire way, still stopping about once an hour for the restrooms.
6. We get to his parents house and he nearly collapses. I run to the store for some Peptol Bismol and a few things that he wants. Come back, he is no better. Find his mom's thermometer and his temp is at 102. Start him on tylenol. He has now not eaten in about 2 days and I'm certain we are heading for a major sugar crash, so I start talking to him about that. What can he eat? How is he going to prevent a sugar crash if he takes his insulin and doesn't eat? He assures me he will take care of it! I run back to the store for fruit and juice bars....the only thing he wants.
7. 10 pm...major sugar crash. good thing I had picked up a hershey's bar while at the store. Good news, his fever broke, and is back down to normal. Not nearly as many trips to the bathroom during the night.
8. His feet are looking worse than ever. He says it's because the swelling has started to go down, so all the nodules are more pronounced. I think it's because his kidneys are failing even more and the uric acid is going more and more into his body. He could barely walk at times during the potty breaks on the trip down. He couldn't even go to the grocery store to get what he needed. Seriously...TWO trips out on the night before the night before Chrismas? WHO in their right mind wants to fight all those shoppers? :o)
9. Wondering if some of the lumps and bumps on his feet are from gout...and some are from cholesterol deposits? How can you tell the difference? There are huge mounds that are yellow, and then small boils with yellow tips. totally red and inflamed looking around both. And then the sheer-skinned boils on his toe and now one on the side of his other foot. Just not good, no matter how you look at it.
So, my question. What is it in this man (or any person for that matter) that makes them feel an obligation to be with their mom and dad on Christmas Day when they are so ill themselves that they can barely function? He certainly will not enjoy the holiday and has only increased their stress as they know how sick he is. And it's not as though he is a child and about to receive a zillion presents...the man buys anything that he wants anyway! It's not for the holiday spirit as we are just going to have sandwiches for lunch for Christmas day. They are in their late 70s. His grandmother is in her 90s and lives with them. No one wants or needs a huge holiday meal. We could literally have waited a month and come down and perhaps had a better time and enjoyed each other's company even more. When (if ever) will he come to understand that his health is more critical and more important than the celebration of a holiday on a specific day? That you can celebrate life any day of the year...as long as you are alive?
And maybe my biggest question. He has severe diahrrea, a temp of 102, hasn't eaten in a couple of days....and STILL will not call his doctors.
From what I have read (and jump in here and help me out anytime!) his kidney function is so low that his kidneys can no longer process waste, so he is basically peeing inside himself...thus the build up of uric acid crystals? I think it's time for me to go research ESRD. How do you know if/when you are there?
I feel like I am slowly watching death take over this man. And I feel helpless as I cannot even get him to call the doctor when he is so obviously ill.
And what if they amputate his toe? If his toe can't heal...how can the stitches heal? And now the sore on the other foot...will they be carving out that part of that foot as well? The very thought of it really does make me feel nauseated. I read somewhere that he would have to wear a boot for 6 months and not be able to drive?
Well, yes, I guess I'm feeling a bit frustrated this morning, so I'm here blogging to get it out of my system!
I truly hope that your holiday is going better than mine! From my heart to yours, may you be blessed with a wonderful spirit-filled day!
2. Friday morning, we decided to leave to beat the next front that was coming through. Hubby brought his bags downstairs and said, "I feel light headed and I can't get my breath." So I ordered him to just sit in the chair for a bit. About an hour later, he said he was fine and we took off. I argued that we didn't have to leave right then. We could wait til he felt better. We could wait at least a day until the snow had melted off the roads a bit more. Nope...there was another front coming through and we had to leave right then!
3. About 3 hours down the road, he asked me if I could drive. I said sure. Little did I know that he was terribly sick and I would end up driving almost the entire 12 additional hours. We drove til 8 pm and pulled over and got a hotel. We had been stopping almost every hour for him to go to the restroom. Severe diahrrea again. By the time we got to the hotel, he was running a fever, probably 102 - 103. Skin on fire. Not eating or drinking. Up all night long.
4. Next morning, same conditions for him. I have my laptop and start researching online and think it's a reaction to the colchicine and/or allopurinol they started him on about 2 1/2 weeks ago. In the back of my mind I seemed to remember reading about possible severe diahrrea, stomach cramps, burning sensations.....
5. I end up driving the entire 5 more hours to our destination while he sleeps almost the entire way, still stopping about once an hour for the restrooms.
6. We get to his parents house and he nearly collapses. I run to the store for some Peptol Bismol and a few things that he wants. Come back, he is no better. Find his mom's thermometer and his temp is at 102. Start him on tylenol. He has now not eaten in about 2 days and I'm certain we are heading for a major sugar crash, so I start talking to him about that. What can he eat? How is he going to prevent a sugar crash if he takes his insulin and doesn't eat? He assures me he will take care of it! I run back to the store for fruit and juice bars....the only thing he wants.
7. 10 pm...major sugar crash. good thing I had picked up a hershey's bar while at the store. Good news, his fever broke, and is back down to normal. Not nearly as many trips to the bathroom during the night.
8. His feet are looking worse than ever. He says it's because the swelling has started to go down, so all the nodules are more pronounced. I think it's because his kidneys are failing even more and the uric acid is going more and more into his body. He could barely walk at times during the potty breaks on the trip down. He couldn't even go to the grocery store to get what he needed. Seriously...TWO trips out on the night before the night before Chrismas? WHO in their right mind wants to fight all those shoppers? :o)
9. Wondering if some of the lumps and bumps on his feet are from gout...and some are from cholesterol deposits? How can you tell the difference? There are huge mounds that are yellow, and then small boils with yellow tips. totally red and inflamed looking around both. And then the sheer-skinned boils on his toe and now one on the side of his other foot. Just not good, no matter how you look at it.
So, my question. What is it in this man (or any person for that matter) that makes them feel an obligation to be with their mom and dad on Christmas Day when they are so ill themselves that they can barely function? He certainly will not enjoy the holiday and has only increased their stress as they know how sick he is. And it's not as though he is a child and about to receive a zillion presents...the man buys anything that he wants anyway! It's not for the holiday spirit as we are just going to have sandwiches for lunch for Christmas day. They are in their late 70s. His grandmother is in her 90s and lives with them. No one wants or needs a huge holiday meal. We could literally have waited a month and come down and perhaps had a better time and enjoyed each other's company even more. When (if ever) will he come to understand that his health is more critical and more important than the celebration of a holiday on a specific day? That you can celebrate life any day of the year...as long as you are alive?
And maybe my biggest question. He has severe diahrrea, a temp of 102, hasn't eaten in a couple of days....and STILL will not call his doctors.
From what I have read (and jump in here and help me out anytime!) his kidney function is so low that his kidneys can no longer process waste, so he is basically peeing inside himself...thus the build up of uric acid crystals? I think it's time for me to go research ESRD. How do you know if/when you are there?
I feel like I am slowly watching death take over this man. And I feel helpless as I cannot even get him to call the doctor when he is so obviously ill.
And what if they amputate his toe? If his toe can't heal...how can the stitches heal? And now the sore on the other foot...will they be carving out that part of that foot as well? The very thought of it really does make me feel nauseated. I read somewhere that he would have to wear a boot for 6 months and not be able to drive?
Well, yes, I guess I'm feeling a bit frustrated this morning, so I'm here blogging to get it out of my system!
I truly hope that your holiday is going better than mine! From my heart to yours, may you be blessed with a wonderful spirit-filled day!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
5 Days on, 1 Day off!
Well, we are making progress. He stuck to his low purine diet for 5 days, but sort of blew it tonight having shrimp, which is shellfish....and he didn't even think about it! But we will get back on tomorrow. I'm pretty proud of him for sticking to it for 5 days without a single trespass!
When I suggested that we just become vegetarians...I think he nearly lost it! So, we will just label ourselves as "low purine" people and see if we can stick to it for the next 5 days.
And so far, the only adverse reaction to his new drugs are the sleepiness. He just needs more and more naps throughout the day.
When I suggested that we just become vegetarians...I think he nearly lost it! So, we will just label ourselves as "low purine" people and see if we can stick to it for the next 5 days.
And so far, the only adverse reaction to his new drugs are the sleepiness. He just needs more and more naps throughout the day.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Uric Acid and toe amputation
Well, he went to another doctor this week who told him his uric acid should be below 6 and it's over 11. If he doesn't get it down within the next 3 weeks, his toe will need to be amputated.
This doctor started him on 2 new drugs which are supposed to create even more diahrrea. Oh dear. And make him sleepy. The doctor told him even if he gets the uric acid to start to come down, it will take 10 years to get his feel straigtened out. So I suggested that 10 more years WITH his feet is better than having part amputated in 3 weeks. We will just have to survive the diahrrea and drowsiness somehow.
Enough to put the damper on even the brightest holiday season.
We have started the low purine diet. Any suggestions for great entrees that do not include meat, beans, sugar, cheese, eggs (need to get his cholesterol down as well). I think we will live on peanut butter for awhile!
Here's hoping your loved ones count 10 toes this holiday season.
This doctor started him on 2 new drugs which are supposed to create even more diahrrea. Oh dear. And make him sleepy. The doctor told him even if he gets the uric acid to start to come down, it will take 10 years to get his feel straigtened out. So I suggested that 10 more years WITH his feet is better than having part amputated in 3 weeks. We will just have to survive the diahrrea and drowsiness somehow.
Enough to put the damper on even the brightest holiday season.
We have started the low purine diet. Any suggestions for great entrees that do not include meat, beans, sugar, cheese, eggs (need to get his cholesterol down as well). I think we will live on peanut butter for awhile!
Here's hoping your loved ones count 10 toes this holiday season.
Monday, November 27, 2006
My rights as a spouse of a diabetic
Do I have any? This is going to be tough for me to put into diplomatic words! LOL! I want to be serious...but this tiny little voice in my head just keeps repeating...."you have no rights.....you have no rights...." And yep, the annonymous poster who said I did not have the right to toss hubby's viagra got me to thinking....what are my rights?
I think I should have the right to live day by day without anyone screaming and hollering at me. I think I should be able to make it from sun up to sunset without my spouse getting completely and totally pissed off...just because he is in a low. I think I should have the right to have a normal conversation with him..to discuss my feelings and emotions....and not have to worry about the time of day it is, if he is having a low or a high, if he has eaten recently. And mostly (read my past blogs) I think I should have the right to sleep in my own bed without someone else having an accident, waking me up in the middle of the night and asking me to change the sheets.
You can see where I am headed with this post. There are a lot of things that a healthy couple just take for granted. There are a lot of things that you would think would not even need to be thought of as "rights". But when you make the decision to stick with a spouse who has this disease....and ride the roller coaster of uncontrolled blood sugars....you actually give up all rights that you might ever have had.
The poster said that tossing out his viagra was a violation of trust. Trust me...it has absolutely nothing to do with "trust" and everything to do with survival. Viagra is not a necessary medical drug. And I stand by my thought that it should never be prescribed to someone who has such uncontrolled blood sugars. But when I think about it...what doctor (most being men) would have the guts to tell another guy he's not going to prescribe him viagra until he gets his BS under control? We all know you can get it online. I must get 400 emails a day offering it to me!!!
Which is more important...trust in a marriage...or survival of a marriage? Excellent question and I suppose the answer would depend on your ultimate goal. For me, in the past, there have been so many times when just mere survival was the highest goal.
Does my husband go around and take things of mine and destroy them? Oh....well, once again....I "should" have the right to have personal property that is mine...that is left alone....that is not picked up and thrown against the wall and shattered into a hundred pieces when he is having a low. Once again..no, I do not have that "right". I pretty much have sold or given away anything that is breakable.
When a diabetic is in a true low...they do not know at all what they are doing. And they will not remember what they did. It's like you need a video camera, yet when you show them the film they will accuse you of having an actor do the piece. You just cannot win.
Why do I stay? Why am I willing to forego any rights that a normal wife might have? Why am I still here? Why do I put up with this? Trust me....I ask myself that a hundred times some days! And it does not help when my family and friends all tell me to give up and leave. My own mom said to me just recently, "I do not know how you do it...I couldn't."
I think part of it is the nurturing that comes naturally for women. We just want to take care of him, solve the problems, make him all better. Admitting that I cannot do that is part of my battle with this disease. And once you admit that....then what is the real reason you stay? I sure don't believe "love will overcome" this!
In so many ways, diabetes presents itself as an abusive marriage. If not physically abusive during lows and highs, then at least verbally and mentally abusive. Yet can you blame the person with the disease? Not when they do not remember what they say or do.
So let me refresh that comment...."I should have the right to a normal conversation/dinner/evening with my spouse". If anyone gives my husband a drug that will cause his blood sugars to elevate or drop....then surely I have the right to toss out that drug....as long as it is not mandatory for his health.
Really....who for one second thinks that the spouse of a diabetic has any rights? Well...maybe the right to walk out and never look back. Problem is...I still love him.
I think I should have the right to live day by day without anyone screaming and hollering at me. I think I should be able to make it from sun up to sunset without my spouse getting completely and totally pissed off...just because he is in a low. I think I should have the right to have a normal conversation with him..to discuss my feelings and emotions....and not have to worry about the time of day it is, if he is having a low or a high, if he has eaten recently. And mostly (read my past blogs) I think I should have the right to sleep in my own bed without someone else having an accident, waking me up in the middle of the night and asking me to change the sheets.
You can see where I am headed with this post. There are a lot of things that a healthy couple just take for granted. There are a lot of things that you would think would not even need to be thought of as "rights". But when you make the decision to stick with a spouse who has this disease....and ride the roller coaster of uncontrolled blood sugars....you actually give up all rights that you might ever have had.
The poster said that tossing out his viagra was a violation of trust. Trust me...it has absolutely nothing to do with "trust" and everything to do with survival. Viagra is not a necessary medical drug. And I stand by my thought that it should never be prescribed to someone who has such uncontrolled blood sugars. But when I think about it...what doctor (most being men) would have the guts to tell another guy he's not going to prescribe him viagra until he gets his BS under control? We all know you can get it online. I must get 400 emails a day offering it to me!!!
Which is more important...trust in a marriage...or survival of a marriage? Excellent question and I suppose the answer would depend on your ultimate goal. For me, in the past, there have been so many times when just mere survival was the highest goal.
Does my husband go around and take things of mine and destroy them? Oh....well, once again....I "should" have the right to have personal property that is mine...that is left alone....that is not picked up and thrown against the wall and shattered into a hundred pieces when he is having a low. Once again..no, I do not have that "right". I pretty much have sold or given away anything that is breakable.
When a diabetic is in a true low...they do not know at all what they are doing. And they will not remember what they did. It's like you need a video camera, yet when you show them the film they will accuse you of having an actor do the piece. You just cannot win.
Why do I stay? Why am I willing to forego any rights that a normal wife might have? Why am I still here? Why do I put up with this? Trust me....I ask myself that a hundred times some days! And it does not help when my family and friends all tell me to give up and leave. My own mom said to me just recently, "I do not know how you do it...I couldn't."
I think part of it is the nurturing that comes naturally for women. We just want to take care of him, solve the problems, make him all better. Admitting that I cannot do that is part of my battle with this disease. And once you admit that....then what is the real reason you stay? I sure don't believe "love will overcome" this!
In so many ways, diabetes presents itself as an abusive marriage. If not physically abusive during lows and highs, then at least verbally and mentally abusive. Yet can you blame the person with the disease? Not when they do not remember what they say or do.
So let me refresh that comment...."I should have the right to a normal conversation/dinner/evening with my spouse". If anyone gives my husband a drug that will cause his blood sugars to elevate or drop....then surely I have the right to toss out that drug....as long as it is not mandatory for his health.
Really....who for one second thinks that the spouse of a diabetic has any rights? Well...maybe the right to walk out and never look back. Problem is...I still love him.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Low Purine Diet
I have finally found a website that shows photos that look similar to hubby's feet. The huge lump on the right photo....well, my hubby has multiple lumps like this on both feet.
http://www.arthritis.co.za/gout.html
Yes...you wonder how he walks at all. Well...not well. He mostly just limps. I do know that he has a very high pain threshold and I wonder if that isn't from years of dealing with this problem...being told that there was nothing that could be done...it was his Scottish DNA!
Upon further reading, I have found where these are quite dangerous for diabetics because sores can start from the inside and work their way outward.
In addition to these, he has all the little boils on his feet. The look like this:
http://health-pictures.com/conditions2/Carbuncle-picture.htm
But I believe they are caused by uric acid build up. I'm still doing my research on these.
Thinking today is the day to share some of my research....this site is very informative, yet rather scary....about memory loss in uncontrolled sugar levels.
http://www.diabetesselfmanagement.com/article.cfm?AID=367&SSL=n&page=1
And then I found this site, which particularily helped me to understand all the nerves that can be damaged by uncontrolled diabetes. I had really only heard about feet and eyes. This explains a lot of the diarrhea....as I'm sure the nerves in his stomach and intestines have been affected at this point.
http://diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/neuropathies/#types
What scares me is the damage that you cannot see. I see his feet every day. I do not see what's going on in his heart. We know that his kidneys are down to 30% function. What else has been damaged?
Tomorrow we are going to start the low purine diet. I pray that he can stick with it for 6 weeks at least. He said that he would like to lose 10 pounds. He probably needs to lose 40-50 pounds if not more. OK...I'm just saying that he needs to lose that much within the next year...and then we can go from there.
Problem is that he literally can't walk....due to his feet....so dieting without exercise has to be to get healthy so that he can exercise to diet to lose weight. What a cycle!!!
I am not really looking forward to this holiday season because I know he will indulge in sugar....but perhaps if he will stick to this eating plan...he will see the benefits...and start to understand that diet and nutrition can have an impact on diabetes. Remember...he's the guy who's doctors tell him a carb is a carb is a carb....and he'd much rather get his carbs all from cookies, cake and donuts!
http://www.arthritis.co.za/gout.html
Yes...you wonder how he walks at all. Well...not well. He mostly just limps. I do know that he has a very high pain threshold and I wonder if that isn't from years of dealing with this problem...being told that there was nothing that could be done...it was his Scottish DNA!
Upon further reading, I have found where these are quite dangerous for diabetics because sores can start from the inside and work their way outward.
In addition to these, he has all the little boils on his feet. The look like this:
http://health-pictures.com/conditions2/Carbuncle-picture.htm
But I believe they are caused by uric acid build up. I'm still doing my research on these.
Thinking today is the day to share some of my research....this site is very informative, yet rather scary....about memory loss in uncontrolled sugar levels.
http://www.diabetesselfmanagement.com/article.cfm?AID=367&SSL=n&page=1
And then I found this site, which particularily helped me to understand all the nerves that can be damaged by uncontrolled diabetes. I had really only heard about feet and eyes. This explains a lot of the diarrhea....as I'm sure the nerves in his stomach and intestines have been affected at this point.
http://diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/neuropathies/#types
What scares me is the damage that you cannot see. I see his feet every day. I do not see what's going on in his heart. We know that his kidneys are down to 30% function. What else has been damaged?
Tomorrow we are going to start the low purine diet. I pray that he can stick with it for 6 weeks at least. He said that he would like to lose 10 pounds. He probably needs to lose 40-50 pounds if not more. OK...I'm just saying that he needs to lose that much within the next year...and then we can go from there.
Problem is that he literally can't walk....due to his feet....so dieting without exercise has to be to get healthy so that he can exercise to diet to lose weight. What a cycle!!!
I am not really looking forward to this holiday season because I know he will indulge in sugar....but perhaps if he will stick to this eating plan...he will see the benefits...and start to understand that diet and nutrition can have an impact on diabetes. Remember...he's the guy who's doctors tell him a carb is a carb is a carb....and he'd much rather get his carbs all from cookies, cake and donuts!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Viagra and Diabetes
OK...one of my husband's STUPID doctors prescribed Viagra for him because yes, he was having problems.
Now...I am NOT a doctor..but I'm NOT stupid either! Let's do the math here.
Increased exercise, increased excitement....release of glucose into the blood......
and the cycle continues
in a man who does NOT have his blood sugars under control at all (see previous blogs).
WHAT IS THE POINT of prescribing this to a man who goes up and down and is in that cycle where his "ups" cause his "downs"???
Sorry...but this is just one of those situations that left me laughing.
I threw the Viagra in the trash! I do NOT NEED MORE lows....where he screams and yells at me...then completely forgets what he's done!
No sex is THAT good! LOLOL!
We need to get his blood sugars under control FIRST. THEN we can work on restoring other functions!!!
Now...I am NOT a doctor..but I'm NOT stupid either! Let's do the math here.
Increased exercise, increased excitement....release of glucose into the blood......
and the cycle continues
in a man who does NOT have his blood sugars under control at all (see previous blogs).
WHAT IS THE POINT of prescribing this to a man who goes up and down and is in that cycle where his "ups" cause his "downs"???
Sorry...but this is just one of those situations that left me laughing.
I threw the Viagra in the trash! I do NOT NEED MORE lows....where he screams and yells at me...then completely forgets what he's done!
No sex is THAT good! LOLOL!
We need to get his blood sugars under control FIRST. THEN we can work on restoring other functions!!!
Thanksgiving day update
I know I have not posted here in ages...I just have not felt like it. Interesting. Sometimes writing can be such great therapy...at other times it can be the hardest, most difficult thing to do. Probably because writing forces me to face truth....head on.
A few days ago I walked into this house, was walking up the stairs and thought, "I smell death". It was a total awakening. It shook me to my bones. So it is time for me to write here. But first, thanks to those of you who have posted worrying about us.
Hubby has severe chronic tophasus (sp?) gout on his 2nd toe. I had never seen anything so horrible in my entire life and when I saw it....I made him call the doctor. They put him on an antibiotic and it is improving, slowly....but my goodness! I do not understand how he could ever let it get to that point. It just happened overnight. I had been traveling for work for about 3 weeks...home 3 days a week, gone 4 days a week....and had not had a moment to look at his feet. Ok...I will not let that happen again! But my never ending question....why does he not take care of himself?
On a side note, I have been working on my certification in Art Clay Silver....following the therapist's recommendation that I get a life of my own! ACS is clay that you shape and fire in a kiln. The clay burns off and the remainder is .999 fine silver. I went for my senior certification...3 fun filled days up in a cabin in the mountains, with my sister....and one of the items I created was a pendant with a backwards question mark made of hammered, heated brass in the center of it. The instructor informed me that my question mark was in backwards and I needed to start over. I said, "No, I want it that way." And when she asked me why, I replied, "because the question cannot be answered!"
And yes, I was thinking of the question that never ends for me....why does he not take better care of himself?
I have 2 thoughts on this and please, feel free to chime in with your thoughts.
One...he has decided that he is going to die and he just wants to live the rest of his life the way he wants. He has accepted his course, is not going to try to improve or prevent deterioration, and is just going to do what he wants from here on out. As evidenced by the cheesecake, pumpkin pie, chocolate muffins and who knows what else that I did not see him put in his mouth today. I often wonder if I had this disease, might I make a similar decision? It is WORK to eat healthy, force an aching body to exercise, deal with pain....and it's often easier to just not work at getting well. So you give up and just do the best you can with what you have.
Two...he is still in denial. I wonder about that. We had a discussion just yesterday where he is blaming his HMO for the deterioration in his condition the past 2 years. He said, "3 years ago we did the ......marathon and I was in the best shape ever. I have just gone so far downhill since then. It's all their fault because they switched all my meds." (and that's about when he switched to his current HMO). But I said to him, "No, sweetie, your kidney function was down to 30% when you switched HMOs. They HAD to take you off the meds and put your on insulin as your kidneys could no longer handle the pills. Your health was deteriorating with the old HMO....and they never let you know."
Dead silence. He KNEW I was factual.
That sort of told me that this guy is still totally in denial...trying to put blame on someone, anyone, and not dealing with what is happening to his body.
Sexual dysfunction? Oh...we are so there already. And it just doesn't seem to bother him. We constantly say that we "should" make love....but every time either one of us initiates it, he is too sore, too tired, sick....the list is endless. I have come to accept it as part of what this disease does to a person. I've done the research.
I've also learned that the huge lumps on his feet that 2 different doctors at 2 different HMOs told him were due to his gnarly Scottish ancestry are in fact related to the gout. And that the white pussy boils on his feet are probably uric crystals due to kidney failure. But you know...who am I? Just the wife....not the doctor....so I'm not listened too at all!
In my research, I read that he should be on a low purin diet....so I have started that in a very subliminal way....fixing pasta without meat....stuff like that. Purged the kitchen of a lot of stuff! Oh...we wives...we can be so devious! :o)
Part of me is torn between me finding a life of my own and me wanting to help him get well. But slowly, I am coming to realize that the decision has to be his alone and I can't have much (if any) input into it. I know he is probably on a path of self destruction. I know he will most likely be dead in 5 - 10 years. I honestly think in many ways I have started to grieve the loss of him in my life. I know I grieve the loss of our activities together as there are so many things that we cannot do. At the same time, I am seeking out things that we can do together.
We purchased a new ATV in August and did manage a few weekend rides. Something he can do and he enjoys, even though he got tired quite often. Changing his shots to 3 per day (6 am, 6 pm and 10 pm) has helped some of the really "lows" that he was having. And I know I am getting better at identifying the lows when they start to hit him and offer him a snack.
There are many nights when I get up and go sleep on the sofa as he thrashes quite harshly....to the point that I cannot sleep. I lay there and just cry. Again...part of my own personal grieving. I love this man dearly. And watching death is not easy, nor anything that I welcome in my life. Longing to do the things that I love, but unable to do them with me....it's my greatest heartache.
Today, we drove 3 hours to have Thanksgiving with my family. I am so glad that we went and everyone got to see him. I am so thankful that he is here with me this year and that we can still do things like drive 3 hours to visit family. Even if he wore socks and sandals.....and we kept all the little kids away from his feet....it has come down to enjoying the simple things in life with him....as long as I have him.
Note to self...reread this the next time he totally pisses you off!!!
I think with the daily business of diabetis, as his wife, and a person who does not have this awful disease, I do forget to be thankful that he is still here with me. In the middle of a sugar low, when he is ugly and yelling....I'm not really thankful for much of anything!
For anyone reading this who does have this disease, I hope you will read this and know that I am just one spouse....there are probably millions of us out there that have to deal with this disease on a daily basis. It is not easy. There are days when I think I can't stay with him another second. But then, there is Thanksgiving, when we pause for a moment, and even in the midst of all that we do not have, I can be thankful for what we do have.
Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!
A few days ago I walked into this house, was walking up the stairs and thought, "I smell death". It was a total awakening. It shook me to my bones. So it is time for me to write here. But first, thanks to those of you who have posted worrying about us.
Hubby has severe chronic tophasus (sp?) gout on his 2nd toe. I had never seen anything so horrible in my entire life and when I saw it....I made him call the doctor. They put him on an antibiotic and it is improving, slowly....but my goodness! I do not understand how he could ever let it get to that point. It just happened overnight. I had been traveling for work for about 3 weeks...home 3 days a week, gone 4 days a week....and had not had a moment to look at his feet. Ok...I will not let that happen again! But my never ending question....why does he not take care of himself?
On a side note, I have been working on my certification in Art Clay Silver....following the therapist's recommendation that I get a life of my own! ACS is clay that you shape and fire in a kiln. The clay burns off and the remainder is .999 fine silver. I went for my senior certification...3 fun filled days up in a cabin in the mountains, with my sister....and one of the items I created was a pendant with a backwards question mark made of hammered, heated brass in the center of it. The instructor informed me that my question mark was in backwards and I needed to start over. I said, "No, I want it that way." And when she asked me why, I replied, "because the question cannot be answered!"
And yes, I was thinking of the question that never ends for me....why does he not take better care of himself?
I have 2 thoughts on this and please, feel free to chime in with your thoughts.
One...he has decided that he is going to die and he just wants to live the rest of his life the way he wants. He has accepted his course, is not going to try to improve or prevent deterioration, and is just going to do what he wants from here on out. As evidenced by the cheesecake, pumpkin pie, chocolate muffins and who knows what else that I did not see him put in his mouth today. I often wonder if I had this disease, might I make a similar decision? It is WORK to eat healthy, force an aching body to exercise, deal with pain....and it's often easier to just not work at getting well. So you give up and just do the best you can with what you have.
Two...he is still in denial. I wonder about that. We had a discussion just yesterday where he is blaming his HMO for the deterioration in his condition the past 2 years. He said, "3 years ago we did the ......marathon and I was in the best shape ever. I have just gone so far downhill since then. It's all their fault because they switched all my meds." (and that's about when he switched to his current HMO). But I said to him, "No, sweetie, your kidney function was down to 30% when you switched HMOs. They HAD to take you off the meds and put your on insulin as your kidneys could no longer handle the pills. Your health was deteriorating with the old HMO....and they never let you know."
Dead silence. He KNEW I was factual.
That sort of told me that this guy is still totally in denial...trying to put blame on someone, anyone, and not dealing with what is happening to his body.
Sexual dysfunction? Oh...we are so there already. And it just doesn't seem to bother him. We constantly say that we "should" make love....but every time either one of us initiates it, he is too sore, too tired, sick....the list is endless. I have come to accept it as part of what this disease does to a person. I've done the research.
I've also learned that the huge lumps on his feet that 2 different doctors at 2 different HMOs told him were due to his gnarly Scottish ancestry are in fact related to the gout. And that the white pussy boils on his feet are probably uric crystals due to kidney failure. But you know...who am I? Just the wife....not the doctor....so I'm not listened too at all!
In my research, I read that he should be on a low purin diet....so I have started that in a very subliminal way....fixing pasta without meat....stuff like that. Purged the kitchen of a lot of stuff! Oh...we wives...we can be so devious! :o)
Part of me is torn between me finding a life of my own and me wanting to help him get well. But slowly, I am coming to realize that the decision has to be his alone and I can't have much (if any) input into it. I know he is probably on a path of self destruction. I know he will most likely be dead in 5 - 10 years. I honestly think in many ways I have started to grieve the loss of him in my life. I know I grieve the loss of our activities together as there are so many things that we cannot do. At the same time, I am seeking out things that we can do together.
We purchased a new ATV in August and did manage a few weekend rides. Something he can do and he enjoys, even though he got tired quite often. Changing his shots to 3 per day (6 am, 6 pm and 10 pm) has helped some of the really "lows" that he was having. And I know I am getting better at identifying the lows when they start to hit him and offer him a snack.
There are many nights when I get up and go sleep on the sofa as he thrashes quite harshly....to the point that I cannot sleep. I lay there and just cry. Again...part of my own personal grieving. I love this man dearly. And watching death is not easy, nor anything that I welcome in my life. Longing to do the things that I love, but unable to do them with me....it's my greatest heartache.
Today, we drove 3 hours to have Thanksgiving with my family. I am so glad that we went and everyone got to see him. I am so thankful that he is here with me this year and that we can still do things like drive 3 hours to visit family. Even if he wore socks and sandals.....and we kept all the little kids away from his feet....it has come down to enjoying the simple things in life with him....as long as I have him.
Note to self...reread this the next time he totally pisses you off!!!
I think with the daily business of diabetis, as his wife, and a person who does not have this awful disease, I do forget to be thankful that he is still here with me. In the middle of a sugar low, when he is ugly and yelling....I'm not really thankful for much of anything!
For anyone reading this who does have this disease, I hope you will read this and know that I am just one spouse....there are probably millions of us out there that have to deal with this disease on a daily basis. It is not easy. There are days when I think I can't stay with him another second. But then, there is Thanksgiving, when we pause for a moment, and even in the midst of all that we do not have, I can be thankful for what we do have.
Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Our joint visit to a diabetic nutritionist
I had pre-typed up most of my questions for today's visit. Here are the answers:
Q. My husband had one doctor who told him the lumps on his feet were due to his Scottish heritage. Yet I have read online that they are due to uncontrolled diabetes.
A. Dr. took one look at his feet and said she was not comfortable with them at all. She is going to call his doctor and get an RX for infection ordered for him.
Q. Is the infection in his hand related to gout? I have read that it is.
A. It is most likely related to uncontrolled sugar. The antibiotic should help this as well.
Q. He has had the blister/boil on his toe for weeks now. How long can his body tolerate this before the toe “dies”?
A. A sore like this can be there for quite a long time without the tissue going dead.
Q. When you test your blood sugar, how accurate is the reading? Is there a lag time to events that impact blood sugar? We have a tunnel on I-70, just east of Idaho Springs, and every time you come through it east-bound, everyone slams on their brakes. Sometimes it starts 50 miles west of the tunnel. You never see what made the first car slam on their brakes. But you know that a normal driver would not slam on their brakes to go through a 2 lane tunnel in the middle of the day! Is it possible that a person could be in the process of crashing but their blood sugar levels read normal because that hasn’t caught up with what is already going on inside the body?
A. There is no lag time. As long as your meter is accurate, it is accurate at that moment. But you would need to take it every moment…to know what is going on all the time.
Q. If you only test 3 – 4 times a day, what about all the other moments in the day? I understand that testing gives you a gauge, a measurement, but can you test and be normal and then 30 minutes later be crashing? Is it possible even if it’s not common?
A. You only get a reading for the specific moment that you test. It is possible to crash 30 minutes after a normal reading, depending on what’s going on.
Q. What is the impact that adrenaline has on blood sugar?
A. It goes up.
Q. If you smash your thumb really hard and adrenaline rushes in your body….doesn’t that have an impact on insulin/blood levels?
A. Yes, it goes up.
Q. I’m going to assume it would be a much more acute impact than and event that occurs that has a slower change in release of adrenaline in the system, like an argument with a co-worker or a fight with your spouse?
A. Your blood sugar will go up when adrenaline goes up.
Q. If there are tiny little events that occur all day long that release adrenaline into your system, does the “build up” of these events have an impact on insulin/blood sugar levels?
A. Yes, it goes up.
Q. How fast does the body react to this type of adrenaline build up?
A. No real answer given to this question.
Q. Does weather have an impact on insulin/blood sugar levels? For instance, if it is over 100 degrees, and you go outside for a bit, will there be a change? And if so, is the inverse true that when you go back inside into air conditioning there is a change? I’m simply asking because there is no AC at his parents house and he seems to need more sleep when he is there.
A. She did not know of this, but thought that secondary issues could cause blood sugar to change. For instance, if it is really hot, and you don’t drink enough water, and you become dehydrated, there would be a change in blood sugar. It is often the secondary conditions that cause changes in the blood levels, not the specific event that we are looking at.
Q. Does an illness have an impact on insulin production and blood sugar levels?
A. Yes
Q. Diabetes is a serious of losses. It starts with the addition of medicine and the loss of freedom to live without it. It progresses at various stages. You lose the freedom to eat what you want, then you start loosing body functions. Each loss has to be grieved. The grief process in itself must have some impact on the body’s insulin production and thus the sugar levels?
A. Yes, it does.
Q. If additional grief is added to the equation (loss at work, loss of a family member, etc.) does this impact as well? It seems to me that it would/could.
A. Yes.
Q. Neuropathy is the loss of sensation at the end of nerves?
A. Yes
Q. It happens in the feet, usually first? But it can progress to other areas of the body such as the finger tips, legs, hands arms?
A. Yes.
Q. It can extend to your intestines and cause diabetic diarrhea?
A. Yes
Q. It can affect the nerves that serve the heart?
A. Yes
Q. It can cause low blood sugar unawareness where you do not recognize the signs of hypoglycemia?
A. Yes
Q. And it can cause pain in the thighs, hips, and/or buttocks and lead to weakness in the legs?
A. Yes
Q. It can affect the eyes as well?
A. Yes
Q. When does diabetes have an impact on memory loss? The brain’s fuel is glucose. Extended periods of elevated glucose or low glucose contribute to memory loss?
A. Yes.
Q. High blood sugar causes permanent brain damage?
A. Yes
Q. Low blood sugar alters the brains function and temporarily impairs memory. It’s usually short-term memory. Thus, when blood sugars are low, the diabetic may not remember what was said in a normal conversation?
A. Yes.
Q. High blood sugar causes the nerve endings to be sensitized. The diabetic can be quite agitated and become angry?
A. Yes.
Q. Low blood sugar can cause “hypoglycemic rage”. Is this the body’s normal reaction to low blood sugar? You get angry, adrenaline kicks in, insulin is produced, blood sugar levels rise? Anger drives up blood sugar levels. Yet, due to the impaired memory function of low blood sugar, the diabetic may not remember that they were angry?
A. Yes.
Q. If the body reacts to low blood sugar by overcompensating, which results in high blood sugar (the Somogyi effect) and this is going on inside the body in a non-stop fashion, could actual blood sugar readings appear normal when in fact, they are not?
A. Yes. The liver stores sugar and when blood sugars drop, the liver will release a gush of glucose into the system. This happens regardless of anything else going on. What we want to do in this case is to shut down the liver. Even if blood sugars go high for a few days. You do this by decreasing the amount of insulin. Shut down the liver until we can stop the lows, which will level out the blood sugars.
You can actually have a low, the liver releases glucose and you go past “normal” into a high. You then take insulin, which puts you back to the low…and this cycle is known as the Somogyi effect. Again, the way to treat this is to shut down the liver, stop the lows, go for high for a short period of time, then bring the “highs” back down.
Q. I have been told that this is not my disease. I understand the premise of that concept. However, the impacts of this disease are in my life 24/7. I need to know how I can live day-to-day without living with the impacts of this disease. It is in my life 24/7. So, although this is not MY disease, this is MY life, and the disease is a huge part of my life. How do I live with the insane decisions that are made? The decisions that are made with no discussion with me? The decisions that do have an impact on my life that I have no input into? How do I live with the angry outbursts that are pointed directly at me? Words do hurt. Even when your brain tells you they were spoken during a low blood sugar outburst.
A. I understand your frustration and I do agree that although this is not your disease, you do have to live with this disease all the time. What the 2 of you have to do is to come to some kind of agreement as to what to do about decision making. When a diabetic is in a low, it is not the time to make any kind of decisions.
Q. OK, but if he continues to make decisions when he is in a low…and I have to continue to live with the outcomes of those decisions….what do I do next?
A. You have to make the choice to live with it, or to move on.
Q. Let’s say that he makes a decision to continue as he has. It is his life and he wants to live it like he wants. What choices do I have? What are my options?
A. It is obvious that the 2 of you have a lot of issues to work out. But as for the diabetes. It is his life. It is his decision. You cannot make the choice for him. If he chooses to not take care of himself, then you will have to decide what to do with that choice. Can you continue to live with him knowing that he is not going to take care of himself? It is a difficult decision.
We had a lengthy discussion after that about his current blood levels. When she wrote them on a grid, it went something like this:
Morning Noon Dinner Bedtime
159 90 90 110
125 152 145 130
115 100 159 128
90 98 120 115
And his A1c is 6.3. Which he has always said to me is in good, normal range. But she explained it a bit differently. She said that in order to get an A1c of 6.3, your blood sugars would range between 90 and 120. So for every time in the grid above that he has gone above 120, he has also gone below 90. So the 6.3 is NOT a good reading because he is having too many lows.
She asked him how many lows he had per week and he said 2. She said from looking at just the past 4 days, he must be having more than 2 per week and not being aware that they were occurring. She added that this desensitization to levels is normal in someone with as much kidney failure as he has.
She recommended that he change his diet and eat at least 60 grams of carbs per meal, 3 times per day. She wants him to keep his AM insulin the same, but split out the evening. Leave the R the same at 6 pm and drop the N to 40 at 10 pm. He was not happy about adding a 3rd shot per day, but agreed to try this starting tonight for the next 5 days. He agreed that if his sugar goes over 200 he will continue, but if it goes over 300, he will stop. He is to call her in a week for an update.
I feel a little better…that at least all the questions I had written down, for the most part, received the same answers as what I had found online. And I am relieved that when she looked at his feet, she was as concerned as I have been.
I felt when we walked out of her office that he was a time bomb waiting to go off. I’m sure this will come back to haunt me….and that is why I am writing up these notes…to remind him of our conversation with her.
My next step…seeking marriage counseling from a regular counselor. My hope is that if his blood sugars can get regulated, then we can move on to working together to resolve the other problems….which may well go away if/when the blood sugars can be regulated.
Q. My husband had one doctor who told him the lumps on his feet were due to his Scottish heritage. Yet I have read online that they are due to uncontrolled diabetes.
A. Dr. took one look at his feet and said she was not comfortable with them at all. She is going to call his doctor and get an RX for infection ordered for him.
Q. Is the infection in his hand related to gout? I have read that it is.
A. It is most likely related to uncontrolled sugar. The antibiotic should help this as well.
Q. He has had the blister/boil on his toe for weeks now. How long can his body tolerate this before the toe “dies”?
A. A sore like this can be there for quite a long time without the tissue going dead.
Q. When you test your blood sugar, how accurate is the reading? Is there a lag time to events that impact blood sugar? We have a tunnel on I-70, just east of Idaho Springs, and every time you come through it east-bound, everyone slams on their brakes. Sometimes it starts 50 miles west of the tunnel. You never see what made the first car slam on their brakes. But you know that a normal driver would not slam on their brakes to go through a 2 lane tunnel in the middle of the day! Is it possible that a person could be in the process of crashing but their blood sugar levels read normal because that hasn’t caught up with what is already going on inside the body?
A. There is no lag time. As long as your meter is accurate, it is accurate at that moment. But you would need to take it every moment…to know what is going on all the time.
Q. If you only test 3 – 4 times a day, what about all the other moments in the day? I understand that testing gives you a gauge, a measurement, but can you test and be normal and then 30 minutes later be crashing? Is it possible even if it’s not common?
A. You only get a reading for the specific moment that you test. It is possible to crash 30 minutes after a normal reading, depending on what’s going on.
Q. What is the impact that adrenaline has on blood sugar?
A. It goes up.
Q. If you smash your thumb really hard and adrenaline rushes in your body….doesn’t that have an impact on insulin/blood levels?
A. Yes, it goes up.
Q. I’m going to assume it would be a much more acute impact than and event that occurs that has a slower change in release of adrenaline in the system, like an argument with a co-worker or a fight with your spouse?
A. Your blood sugar will go up when adrenaline goes up.
Q. If there are tiny little events that occur all day long that release adrenaline into your system, does the “build up” of these events have an impact on insulin/blood sugar levels?
A. Yes, it goes up.
Q. How fast does the body react to this type of adrenaline build up?
A. No real answer given to this question.
Q. Does weather have an impact on insulin/blood sugar levels? For instance, if it is over 100 degrees, and you go outside for a bit, will there be a change? And if so, is the inverse true that when you go back inside into air conditioning there is a change? I’m simply asking because there is no AC at his parents house and he seems to need more sleep when he is there.
A. She did not know of this, but thought that secondary issues could cause blood sugar to change. For instance, if it is really hot, and you don’t drink enough water, and you become dehydrated, there would be a change in blood sugar. It is often the secondary conditions that cause changes in the blood levels, not the specific event that we are looking at.
Q. Does an illness have an impact on insulin production and blood sugar levels?
A. Yes
Q. Diabetes is a serious of losses. It starts with the addition of medicine and the loss of freedom to live without it. It progresses at various stages. You lose the freedom to eat what you want, then you start loosing body functions. Each loss has to be grieved. The grief process in itself must have some impact on the body’s insulin production and thus the sugar levels?
A. Yes, it does.
Q. If additional grief is added to the equation (loss at work, loss of a family member, etc.) does this impact as well? It seems to me that it would/could.
A. Yes.
Q. Neuropathy is the loss of sensation at the end of nerves?
A. Yes
Q. It happens in the feet, usually first? But it can progress to other areas of the body such as the finger tips, legs, hands arms?
A. Yes.
Q. It can extend to your intestines and cause diabetic diarrhea?
A. Yes
Q. It can affect the nerves that serve the heart?
A. Yes
Q. It can cause low blood sugar unawareness where you do not recognize the signs of hypoglycemia?
A. Yes
Q. And it can cause pain in the thighs, hips, and/or buttocks and lead to weakness in the legs?
A. Yes
Q. It can affect the eyes as well?
A. Yes
Q. When does diabetes have an impact on memory loss? The brain’s fuel is glucose. Extended periods of elevated glucose or low glucose contribute to memory loss?
A. Yes.
Q. High blood sugar causes permanent brain damage?
A. Yes
Q. Low blood sugar alters the brains function and temporarily impairs memory. It’s usually short-term memory. Thus, when blood sugars are low, the diabetic may not remember what was said in a normal conversation?
A. Yes.
Q. High blood sugar causes the nerve endings to be sensitized. The diabetic can be quite agitated and become angry?
A. Yes.
Q. Low blood sugar can cause “hypoglycemic rage”. Is this the body’s normal reaction to low blood sugar? You get angry, adrenaline kicks in, insulin is produced, blood sugar levels rise? Anger drives up blood sugar levels. Yet, due to the impaired memory function of low blood sugar, the diabetic may not remember that they were angry?
A. Yes.
Q. If the body reacts to low blood sugar by overcompensating, which results in high blood sugar (the Somogyi effect) and this is going on inside the body in a non-stop fashion, could actual blood sugar readings appear normal when in fact, they are not?
A. Yes. The liver stores sugar and when blood sugars drop, the liver will release a gush of glucose into the system. This happens regardless of anything else going on. What we want to do in this case is to shut down the liver. Even if blood sugars go high for a few days. You do this by decreasing the amount of insulin. Shut down the liver until we can stop the lows, which will level out the blood sugars.
You can actually have a low, the liver releases glucose and you go past “normal” into a high. You then take insulin, which puts you back to the low…and this cycle is known as the Somogyi effect. Again, the way to treat this is to shut down the liver, stop the lows, go for high for a short period of time, then bring the “highs” back down.
Q. I have been told that this is not my disease. I understand the premise of that concept. However, the impacts of this disease are in my life 24/7. I need to know how I can live day-to-day without living with the impacts of this disease. It is in my life 24/7. So, although this is not MY disease, this is MY life, and the disease is a huge part of my life. How do I live with the insane decisions that are made? The decisions that are made with no discussion with me? The decisions that do have an impact on my life that I have no input into? How do I live with the angry outbursts that are pointed directly at me? Words do hurt. Even when your brain tells you they were spoken during a low blood sugar outburst.
A. I understand your frustration and I do agree that although this is not your disease, you do have to live with this disease all the time. What the 2 of you have to do is to come to some kind of agreement as to what to do about decision making. When a diabetic is in a low, it is not the time to make any kind of decisions.
Q. OK, but if he continues to make decisions when he is in a low…and I have to continue to live with the outcomes of those decisions….what do I do next?
A. You have to make the choice to live with it, or to move on.
Q. Let’s say that he makes a decision to continue as he has. It is his life and he wants to live it like he wants. What choices do I have? What are my options?
A. It is obvious that the 2 of you have a lot of issues to work out. But as for the diabetes. It is his life. It is his decision. You cannot make the choice for him. If he chooses to not take care of himself, then you will have to decide what to do with that choice. Can you continue to live with him knowing that he is not going to take care of himself? It is a difficult decision.
We had a lengthy discussion after that about his current blood levels. When she wrote them on a grid, it went something like this:
Morning Noon Dinner Bedtime
159 90 90 110
125 152 145 130
115 100 159 128
90 98 120 115
And his A1c is 6.3. Which he has always said to me is in good, normal range. But she explained it a bit differently. She said that in order to get an A1c of 6.3, your blood sugars would range between 90 and 120. So for every time in the grid above that he has gone above 120, he has also gone below 90. So the 6.3 is NOT a good reading because he is having too many lows.
She asked him how many lows he had per week and he said 2. She said from looking at just the past 4 days, he must be having more than 2 per week and not being aware that they were occurring. She added that this desensitization to levels is normal in someone with as much kidney failure as he has.
She recommended that he change his diet and eat at least 60 grams of carbs per meal, 3 times per day. She wants him to keep his AM insulin the same, but split out the evening. Leave the R the same at 6 pm and drop the N to 40 at 10 pm. He was not happy about adding a 3rd shot per day, but agreed to try this starting tonight for the next 5 days. He agreed that if his sugar goes over 200 he will continue, but if it goes over 300, he will stop. He is to call her in a week for an update.
I feel a little better…that at least all the questions I had written down, for the most part, received the same answers as what I had found online. And I am relieved that when she looked at his feet, she was as concerned as I have been.
I felt when we walked out of her office that he was a time bomb waiting to go off. I’m sure this will come back to haunt me….and that is why I am writing up these notes…to remind him of our conversation with her.
My next step…seeking marriage counseling from a regular counselor. My hope is that if his blood sugars can get regulated, then we can move on to working together to resolve the other problems….which may well go away if/when the blood sugars can be regulated.
Friday, August 11, 2006
I guess I got divorced....and didn't even know it!
You need to go back and read "part b, the aging parents" to understand a bit more about everything on my platter at the moment. I received an email from hubby's brother's wife last night that just blew me away. She thought hubby and I had been divorced since the first of the year!!!
Seems she and her hubby (my hubby's brother) went to visit the in-laws sometime in February and March. Mom-in-law said to her, "I hope our money problems don't cause you guys to get divorced like it did .......and....." and she put our names in the blanks.
So, my sister-in-law...who lives another thousand miles away....did not hear from me and assumed that I was no longer in the family. OK, partially my fault because I rarely email family members. Lesson learned. Send out monthly updates! LOL! But how horrid are my in-laws to let her think we have been divorced all this time? I promptly sent her a return email and told her that although we have our share of problems, we are not divorced. And if we did get divorced, it would have absolutely nothing to do with our mother-in-law.
What kind of evil woman tells anyone else that her son is divorced when she knows without a doubt that he is not divorced.
So I read the email to my hubby. His comment? "sis must have misunderstood mom". I re-read him the exact quote from his mom and said, "how can that be misinterpreted?" and he agreed, it probably could not be.
I'm just wondering how many other people she has told that we are divorced?
Sis has promised that if she ever hears anything like this again, she will contact me immediately. And I promised to email her more than once every 5 months!
Note to self....remember promises made to sis-in-law!!!
Seems she and her hubby (my hubby's brother) went to visit the in-laws sometime in February and March. Mom-in-law said to her, "I hope our money problems don't cause you guys to get divorced like it did .......and....." and she put our names in the blanks.
So, my sister-in-law...who lives another thousand miles away....did not hear from me and assumed that I was no longer in the family. OK, partially my fault because I rarely email family members. Lesson learned. Send out monthly updates! LOL! But how horrid are my in-laws to let her think we have been divorced all this time? I promptly sent her a return email and told her that although we have our share of problems, we are not divorced. And if we did get divorced, it would have absolutely nothing to do with our mother-in-law.
What kind of evil woman tells anyone else that her son is divorced when she knows without a doubt that he is not divorced.
So I read the email to my hubby. His comment? "sis must have misunderstood mom". I re-read him the exact quote from his mom and said, "how can that be misinterpreted?" and he agreed, it probably could not be.
I'm just wondering how many other people she has told that we are divorced?
Sis has promised that if she ever hears anything like this again, she will contact me immediately. And I promised to email her more than once every 5 months!
Note to self....remember promises made to sis-in-law!!!
Was it lust or sorrow?
I was in the grocery store the other day, standing line, looking down....and my eyes gazed on the feet of the man in front of me. He was wearing sandals and I thought, "what sexy feet!" Which led my eyes up his body to his face. He was about my age and my eyes went immediately back down to his feet. And my next thought was, "oh shut up! You are married to a wonderful man!" And I didn't give the guy's feet a second thought until tonight.
I've been surfing the net tonight, trying to find a photo of what my husband's feet look like. I've seen some horrible photos. And my mind wandered back to the feet of the man in the grocery store. They were not "sexy". They were healthy. And in being healthy....they did appear sexy to me. They are the kind of feet I wish my husband had....but most likely will never have again. And that....is my great sorrow.
I've been surfing the net tonight, trying to find a photo of what my husband's feet look like. I've seen some horrible photos. And my mind wandered back to the feet of the man in the grocery store. They were not "sexy". They were healthy. And in being healthy....they did appear sexy to me. They are the kind of feet I wish my husband had....but most likely will never have again. And that....is my great sorrow.
What horrid feet he has.
He's hobbling today. Because his feet hurt. Oh, I wish I could sneak a photo of them. It would probably break my camera. Literally. I do not know how the man walks at all. It must nearly kill him. He has big gnarls on his feet. Look like quarter sized mounded pimples. They have heads on them. Probably at least 50 on each foot. Some have puss in them. Some don't look quite that bad. And then on 2 toes, he has blister looking like things that are a good 1/2" raised up from the skin. The skin is stretched so thin you can see right through it. Looks like it is going to ooze any moment.
Last night, I noticed tiny little matching pimple looking mounds on the top of the tips of his fingers. Anyone know what that is? I'm sure it's all related to his diabetes. Yep, he ate 4 chocolate donuts last night. He is not doing a thing to prevent this. If his feet ooze on my carpet......LOLOL! (OK...I have to laugh to keep from cringing at this point!)
I know what it is when his feet swell up and turn sort of purple looking...they do that often. But these gigantic pimple/boils have only happened a few times.
What is his sugar levels? Normal according to him. Sigh.
Last night, I noticed tiny little matching pimple looking mounds on the top of the tips of his fingers. Anyone know what that is? I'm sure it's all related to his diabetes. Yep, he ate 4 chocolate donuts last night. He is not doing a thing to prevent this. If his feet ooze on my carpet......LOLOL! (OK...I have to laugh to keep from cringing at this point!)
I know what it is when his feet swell up and turn sort of purple looking...they do that often. But these gigantic pimple/boils have only happened a few times.
What is his sugar levels? Normal according to him. Sigh.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I HATE being his maid!
But I've had 10 days of relative peace, so I won't complain too much just yet! I have a theory. I scheduled our appt with a counselor....and he is trying to prove that we do not need counseling. He is literally being a saint. He's said several times that he wants the marriage to work. The counselor has rescheduled the appt and is now 2 weeks from tomorrow. I'm not sure he can maintain this for another 2 weeks. Why?
Well, one look at his feet and I KNOW he is not doing well. Huge boils. Oozing mounds on his toes. He ate 2 apple pies from McDonald's at lunch yesterday and a bag of potato chips along with some Chips Ahoy cookies. That and the quarter pounder and french fries at lunch and a TV dinner last night. Shall I comment any more?
I see little tell-tale signs. He starts to blow up and stops himself. That's good. But how much longer can he "stop"? In the past 2 days, he has received 3 boxes in the mail. He opens them up, and leaves the boxes on the kitchen counter. I asked him last night if he was going to break them down? He said, "I will get to it when I get to it". They are still sitting there. I know the "you are my maid" syndrome is just around the corner and about to kick in. As I look around the family/kitchen area, I see 6 empty water bottles, 3 glasses, 2 diet coke cans, and an opened box of cookies...all right where he left them. Is he too tired to put a can in the trash? A glass in the sink? Or is it just a mood? Or the beginning of another huge, massive swing in emotions? Oh...I've seen this pattern before. He shuts down. Lets everything just set where he left it....stuff piles up...and I can't see through the mess.
We have 2 little chihuahuas. They are HIS dogs as I never had pets and do not really appreciate indoor pets....although I have come to absolutely adore these dogs. They are just too cute! He has never house-broke them. He puts down potty pads. Lately, he has been forgetting to change them...or he just ignores them. The dogs won't go on dirty pads, so yep, they have started having accidents. Sigh. Hubby was doing pretty good at cleaning up after then, then he went to visit his parents, left the dogs here for me to take care of and it's like the moment he got home...he made some unspoken decision that it's now my job to take care of them. I did it for 5 days....I can do it the rest of my life!
Unfortunately, I HAVE to clean it all up today as we have guests arriving tomorrow. I may be the one who can't make it 2 more weeks before we see the counselor! I really hate being his maid.
Well, one look at his feet and I KNOW he is not doing well. Huge boils. Oozing mounds on his toes. He ate 2 apple pies from McDonald's at lunch yesterday and a bag of potato chips along with some Chips Ahoy cookies. That and the quarter pounder and french fries at lunch and a TV dinner last night. Shall I comment any more?
I see little tell-tale signs. He starts to blow up and stops himself. That's good. But how much longer can he "stop"? In the past 2 days, he has received 3 boxes in the mail. He opens them up, and leaves the boxes on the kitchen counter. I asked him last night if he was going to break them down? He said, "I will get to it when I get to it". They are still sitting there. I know the "you are my maid" syndrome is just around the corner and about to kick in. As I look around the family/kitchen area, I see 6 empty water bottles, 3 glasses, 2 diet coke cans, and an opened box of cookies...all right where he left them. Is he too tired to put a can in the trash? A glass in the sink? Or is it just a mood? Or the beginning of another huge, massive swing in emotions? Oh...I've seen this pattern before. He shuts down. Lets everything just set where he left it....stuff piles up...and I can't see through the mess.
We have 2 little chihuahuas. They are HIS dogs as I never had pets and do not really appreciate indoor pets....although I have come to absolutely adore these dogs. They are just too cute! He has never house-broke them. He puts down potty pads. Lately, he has been forgetting to change them...or he just ignores them. The dogs won't go on dirty pads, so yep, they have started having accidents. Sigh. Hubby was doing pretty good at cleaning up after then, then he went to visit his parents, left the dogs here for me to take care of and it's like the moment he got home...he made some unspoken decision that it's now my job to take care of them. I did it for 5 days....I can do it the rest of my life!
Unfortunately, I HAVE to clean it all up today as we have guests arriving tomorrow. I may be the one who can't make it 2 more weeks before we see the counselor! I really hate being his maid.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Just for me!!!
Well, I said I'd been busy while hubby was at his parent's this week. I am having the best time! I purchased new suction hooks for the shower walls and hung all kinds of new lufa and scrub brushes up. Took the parafen foot bath and the foot spa into the bathroom and ran extension cords along the floor so I can sit on the corner of the tub and do my feet (ok...I'll probably electrocute myself, but I think I have it so I'll be ok! LOL!)
I decided to turn our master bathroom into a spa. How fun is that? I need to find a small padded chair to put in there and then I will be all set! I'm thinking one of those folding director's chairs that I can fold up and put out of the way.
Now, mind you, I'm doing this compeltely and totally for myself. But who knows....maybe he will decide to take better care of his feet if I start pampering myself?
I used to be so bored on Sunday nights. You know, when you were a kid, you saved all your homework for Sunday night and did it then because there was never anything going on. So as a young adult, I started a ritual of "Sunday night Spa night" and I would burn candles and soak in bubble bath and primp all night long.
Somewhere in the past 25 years, I quit doing that. I think it's time to start it up again. I think tonight will be the first of many "Spa nites".
Again...just doing something totally just for me!!! :o)
I decided to turn our master bathroom into a spa. How fun is that? I need to find a small padded chair to put in there and then I will be all set! I'm thinking one of those folding director's chairs that I can fold up and put out of the way.
Now, mind you, I'm doing this compeltely and totally for myself. But who knows....maybe he will decide to take better care of his feet if I start pampering myself?
I used to be so bored on Sunday nights. You know, when you were a kid, you saved all your homework for Sunday night and did it then because there was never anything going on. So as a young adult, I started a ritual of "Sunday night Spa night" and I would burn candles and soak in bubble bath and primp all night long.
Somewhere in the past 25 years, I quit doing that. I think it's time to start it up again. I think tonight will be the first of many "Spa nites".
Again...just doing something totally just for me!!! :o)
Crashing all day long?
Well, I finally got us in to a diabetic counselor...in a couple of weeks! But she sure made an interesting observation when she was talking on the phone. She said it sounds like hubby is crashing all day long. Well, I sure had not thought of that. But what if....his sugar is low, so his body's normal reaction is to get angry, in order to produce adrenaline, in increase the sugar to get it back up....and he's exhausted, so he takes a nap and when he wakes up, he is low....and he's in this vicious, constant, never-ending cycle.
Pretty much his pattern most days. When he's awake, he's mad and yelling...and then he sleeps! He is needing more and more naps throughout the day, and most every day of the week.
She asked me to have him test his sugar level before each meal and before bed for the next 2 weeks. Well, he is out of town at the moment, but I did call and ask if he would do that.
So my next question. How do I/we know that he is writing down an honest test reading? Oh! You think he wouldn't lie about that? Why not? This is the man who is still in denial that he has a disease that is not going to go away. This is the man who went 5 months without putting on a pair of shoes. This is a man who will do anything to prove he is right, so yes, of course, he will write down any number that he thinks is good.
I'm sure that whatever the log shows, it will be near perfect. Problem is, it doesn't help at all because the counselor will not have accurate readings and she will be trying to figure out why he is having all these problems when his blood sugar is normal.
On the up side...I've had a wonderful week! I feel so rested! I've been getting 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. No foot flopping on the bed. No sudden jerks and jumps from the other side of the bed! Getting so much done around the house. All my month end assignments are done and in the mail. Even visited with my sister for a couple of days. But how sad that hubby has to go away for me to feel this much relief. I can almost completely forget that our lives are so controlled by this disease when he is gone.
Oh....I had pizza rolls and chocolate brownies this week! How fun!!! But it will all be gone by tomorrow when he flies home! I have to go back to being "good"! LOLOL!
How many other spouses out there are just like me? The spouse with diabetes leaves and you RUN for sugar? LOLOL!!!!
And how many of you have separate bedrooms just so you can get a good nights sleep? I'm thinking I may be spending more and more time in the guest bedroom!
Ok, back to my chocolate! :o)
Pretty much his pattern most days. When he's awake, he's mad and yelling...and then he sleeps! He is needing more and more naps throughout the day, and most every day of the week.
She asked me to have him test his sugar level before each meal and before bed for the next 2 weeks. Well, he is out of town at the moment, but I did call and ask if he would do that.
So my next question. How do I/we know that he is writing down an honest test reading? Oh! You think he wouldn't lie about that? Why not? This is the man who is still in denial that he has a disease that is not going to go away. This is the man who went 5 months without putting on a pair of shoes. This is a man who will do anything to prove he is right, so yes, of course, he will write down any number that he thinks is good.
I'm sure that whatever the log shows, it will be near perfect. Problem is, it doesn't help at all because the counselor will not have accurate readings and she will be trying to figure out why he is having all these problems when his blood sugar is normal.
On the up side...I've had a wonderful week! I feel so rested! I've been getting 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. No foot flopping on the bed. No sudden jerks and jumps from the other side of the bed! Getting so much done around the house. All my month end assignments are done and in the mail. Even visited with my sister for a couple of days. But how sad that hubby has to go away for me to feel this much relief. I can almost completely forget that our lives are so controlled by this disease when he is gone.
Oh....I had pizza rolls and chocolate brownies this week! How fun!!! But it will all be gone by tomorrow when he flies home! I have to go back to being "good"! LOLOL!
How many other spouses out there are just like me? The spouse with diabetes leaves and you RUN for sugar? LOLOL!!!!
And how many of you have separate bedrooms just so you can get a good nights sleep? I'm thinking I may be spending more and more time in the guest bedroom!
Ok, back to my chocolate! :o)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Part C: The wife, the sandwich and the spread
I've been doing research on what is called the "Sandwich Generation". That's us baby-boomers who feel we need to take care of our aging parents while we allow our adult children to move back home and we "take care" of them as well.
The definitions totally leave my husband out:
Traditional: aging parents and children of their own
Club sandwich: 50-60 with aging parents, adult children and grandchildren
or 30-40 with young children, aging parents and grandparents
Open faced: anyone else involved in elder care.
So, my husband is 50-60 with 75 year old aging parents, 90 - 93 year old aging grandparents, 31 -32 year old adult children and a 4 year old grandchild with another in the oven!!!
I don't think you can spread the man any thinner than that!
One website calls it "the cluttered nest". LOLOL! All I want in my life is my empty nest!!!
My view is just a tad different from my husband's. My grown children will not move in with us as they need to know that they have to live with the outcomes of the decisions that they make in their lives. My mom is living with my youngest sister right now and one thing for sure, I will never lie to my husband about what I do to help her out.
So my husband does not have my support in how he is dealing with his family. Partly because I think they are all using him. Partly because I think he is enabling each of them in some type of negative manner. But mostly because I know that the stress he is putting himself through, at his own choice, is not doing anything to improve his diabetes. Being a hero to everyone else does not make you a hero to yourself. He really needs to be a hero to himself and get his diabetes under control.
I asked him tonight who would be here to take care of everyone when he is gone. He did not answer me. Who will his daughter move in with? Who will buy his son an airplane ticket to go see mommy? Who will fly and drive his mom to the doctor? Who will take his grandmother wherever she wants to go?
Why is it I see the answer so clearly? Each of those individuals is going to have to come up with some means to take care of themselves when he is gone. Why can't they do it now? Why does he continue to enable them? Why does he put himself through all this stress (and yes, he admits it is extremely stressful). And where am I in all this? Spread completely out of the picture? Off the page? Nowhere in sight? Smothered in the layers of the cluttered nest?
Yes, I will call the counselor again tomorrow as they have not called back to schedule an appointment. In the meantime I'm wondering if I should just spread myself out of this sandwich as it may be to cluttered, too thick, too suffocating for me to survive.
On the other hand, he is flying out in the morning and will be gone for 6 days. While he is gone, his daughter will be moving into our basement. Maybe I will have a couple of days of sheer silence and can do a little bit of mending of my own spirit!!!
Here's to all of you caught in the middle of the sandwich that is one layer diabetes and another layer family! :o)
The definitions totally leave my husband out:
Traditional: aging parents and children of their own
Club sandwich: 50-60 with aging parents, adult children and grandchildren
or 30-40 with young children, aging parents and grandparents
Open faced: anyone else involved in elder care.
So, my husband is 50-60 with 75 year old aging parents, 90 - 93 year old aging grandparents, 31 -32 year old adult children and a 4 year old grandchild with another in the oven!!!
I don't think you can spread the man any thinner than that!
One website calls it "the cluttered nest". LOLOL! All I want in my life is my empty nest!!!
My view is just a tad different from my husband's. My grown children will not move in with us as they need to know that they have to live with the outcomes of the decisions that they make in their lives. My mom is living with my youngest sister right now and one thing for sure, I will never lie to my husband about what I do to help her out.
So my husband does not have my support in how he is dealing with his family. Partly because I think they are all using him. Partly because I think he is enabling each of them in some type of negative manner. But mostly because I know that the stress he is putting himself through, at his own choice, is not doing anything to improve his diabetes. Being a hero to everyone else does not make you a hero to yourself. He really needs to be a hero to himself and get his diabetes under control.
I asked him tonight who would be here to take care of everyone when he is gone. He did not answer me. Who will his daughter move in with? Who will buy his son an airplane ticket to go see mommy? Who will fly and drive his mom to the doctor? Who will take his grandmother wherever she wants to go?
Why is it I see the answer so clearly? Each of those individuals is going to have to come up with some means to take care of themselves when he is gone. Why can't they do it now? Why does he continue to enable them? Why does he put himself through all this stress (and yes, he admits it is extremely stressful). And where am I in all this? Spread completely out of the picture? Off the page? Nowhere in sight? Smothered in the layers of the cluttered nest?
Yes, I will call the counselor again tomorrow as they have not called back to schedule an appointment. In the meantime I'm wondering if I should just spread myself out of this sandwich as it may be to cluttered, too thick, too suffocating for me to survive.
On the other hand, he is flying out in the morning and will be gone for 6 days. While he is gone, his daughter will be moving into our basement. Maybe I will have a couple of days of sheer silence and can do a little bit of mending of my own spirit!!!
Here's to all of you caught in the middle of the sandwich that is one layer diabetes and another layer family! :o)
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