Well, today we were driving across some pretty baren land, no traffic at all, and things were quite lovely. But as we headed into the "big" city....traffic increased and his patience decreased. Right about 10:30 am (the time of his past lows) he just nearly blew up at the traffic around us. No one could do anything right. And he would go right up to the bumper of a semi before passing them when there was no reason he could not have merged left a long way back. Scared me to death!
So I told him I was ready to drive. He pulled into a gas station and totally blew up over a simple issue with the pump and his credit card. Just as angry as I have ever seen him in my life. I just hate it when he gets this way.
I would so much rather drive than listen to him swear at every other vehicle on the road. And he is not always like this. I think it's just when he is having a bit of a low. Today was quite bad.
As for the incontenence, we had 2 more incidences on this trip, but handled them by just immediately pulling over. Now, when there's no traffic around, that's quite ok. But when there's a ton of other cars going past you? I just wonder when it will be a cop that pulls up next to him while he is relieving himself along the freeway. Yes, he is going to have to see a doctor about that as soon as we get back home. The big question is....will he?
DW
Monday, September 24, 2007
Kidney Failure and denial
Yesterday, we were at his parent's house and his dad asked him how his diabetes was. He said, "just fine".
His dad said, "why are you having surgery on your foot then?" and he replied, "I have a bone spur that they want to remove.
This morning, we are on the road to our final destination, he cell rings and it's his doctors office. Well, it is the surgeon's office. They are calling because they are concerned that his creatin level is way too high from the pre-op lab work and they want him to call his regular physician's office. He told them he would do that.
He hung up and I asked him what that meant? He said, "I'm going to die."
And I said, "No, seriously, does it mean dialysis?"
And he said, "well, it could".
It's now 6:42 pm and he did not call his doctor's office. So I gently asked if he was going to do that in the morning, and he said, "sure".
So I'm trying to get inside his head and figure this out. (OK, I KNOW that's not possible, so I'm just making notes to myself again).
He told his dad that his diabetes is just fine. Because he has said that diabetes is a disease of the pancreas, not of the kidneys.
Kidney failure has nothing to do with his diabetes. It is a result of the pancreas not producing insulin, and the kidneys wearing out. (Truly, I think this is how this man thinks).
I have yet to figure out why his doctor had him reduce the insulin shots from 3 per day to 2 per day, but there has been a direct increase in the number of morning screaming matches between us. (More on that one later and ok, not really screaming matches....but he is definitely irritated in the mornings!)
His foot surgery is to remove a bone spur. Well, I swear it's calcified gout....will be interesting to hear what the doctor tells me as I plan to be right there and will be asking a whole lot of questions.
I also plan to get another appointment with the diabetic nurse and the nutritionist as soon as we get back home as I really want to know why the changed his insulin. Everything was going pretty calm. And now it's not.
But my main concern is why this guy cannot see that ALL of this is related to diabetes. And that he could prevent so much of it if he would just take better care of himself.
I know I am not ready for him to be on dialysis. I just know it will be my hell on earth.
DW
His dad said, "why are you having surgery on your foot then?" and he replied, "I have a bone spur that they want to remove.
This morning, we are on the road to our final destination, he cell rings and it's his doctors office. Well, it is the surgeon's office. They are calling because they are concerned that his creatin level is way too high from the pre-op lab work and they want him to call his regular physician's office. He told them he would do that.
He hung up and I asked him what that meant? He said, "I'm going to die."
And I said, "No, seriously, does it mean dialysis?"
And he said, "well, it could".
It's now 6:42 pm and he did not call his doctor's office. So I gently asked if he was going to do that in the morning, and he said, "sure".
So I'm trying to get inside his head and figure this out. (OK, I KNOW that's not possible, so I'm just making notes to myself again).
He told his dad that his diabetes is just fine. Because he has said that diabetes is a disease of the pancreas, not of the kidneys.
Kidney failure has nothing to do with his diabetes. It is a result of the pancreas not producing insulin, and the kidneys wearing out. (Truly, I think this is how this man thinks).
I have yet to figure out why his doctor had him reduce the insulin shots from 3 per day to 2 per day, but there has been a direct increase in the number of morning screaming matches between us. (More on that one later and ok, not really screaming matches....but he is definitely irritated in the mornings!)
His foot surgery is to remove a bone spur. Well, I swear it's calcified gout....will be interesting to hear what the doctor tells me as I plan to be right there and will be asking a whole lot of questions.
I also plan to get another appointment with the diabetic nurse and the nutritionist as soon as we get back home as I really want to know why the changed his insulin. Everything was going pretty calm. And now it's not.
But my main concern is why this guy cannot see that ALL of this is related to diabetes. And that he could prevent so much of it if he would just take better care of himself.
I know I am not ready for him to be on dialysis. I just know it will be my hell on earth.
DW
Helping Spouses
Albert sent me a link to this site: http://www.healthcentral.com/diabetes/c/17/14096/helping-spouses/
And I read the article and here are my thoughts on it.
1. Yes, I do agree, a spouse can be the gentle snowfall. “Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it lingers in the mind.”
However, I have lived high in the mountains where a soft, gentle snow, that keeps coming down...and doesn't stop....can turn into a 5 foot drift and no one can plow through it for days on end! :o)
2. "they call this strategy “dropping the rope,” she says. The idea comes from training horses. When a horse in a corral is pulling back and resisting being led somewhere, you drop the rope and wait. Eventually the horse will start following you around."
I grew up on a 160 acre horse farm....dad always said, "you can lead a horse to water...but you can't make him drink." And on ropes, he always said, "give a man enough rope, he will hang himself."
Touche for cute little sayings!
3. "Family partners are in fact so closely linked, Professor Fisher says, that if one of them has diabetes or is obese, the other is at an increased risk of getting the condition or the weight. If one of them eats too much fat or too many carbs, the other is likely to do the same"
OK, so this scares the crap out of me!!! And a huge reason why I changed my eating/exercise habits.
4. "The positive side of that equation is that when one partner loses weight, the other one will do better than before"
So NOT true! I have lost 25 pounds this summer, he has gained 40 pounds. I'd like that therapist to explain that! I think the more I work at eating healthy...the more he balks at eating anything but crap.
5. "The best strategy is to show, rather than tell, your partner with diabetes how to control it by eating sensibly, losing weight, and exercising" and "it’s in your power to lead him there."
OK, I would LOVE to meet a therapist who will for once in their limited perspective put their thinking caps on and step into the life of a spouse of a diabetic. It is NOT my job to "lead" him to better eating. It is NOT in my "power" do to anything to change this man! It does NOT MATTER what I do with my own life....he is going to do exactly what he wants to do with his life. I can expend hours and hours cooking healthy food, preparing him the best meals possible, stocking the refrigerator with only healthy food, filling the pantry with nothing but the best. This man will get in the car and drive 1/2 mile to Burger King 20 minutes after dinner and have a burger, fries and shake. He will go a mile to the store and get a bag of potato chips, come home, and eat them all in one setting. SEE # 4 ABOVE!!!
The concept is a good one, that as a spouse, you can set an example. But concepts are just that. And they do not work in the real world. You cannot lead someone to a healthy lifestyle if they do not want to go there. You cannot change another person. You cannot, cannot, cannot do that. Not if that person does not want to change.
And my personal opinion is that when another person is in denial, in grief, refuses to face the facts, refuses to admit what is wrong.....they will not even begin to see where you are trying to lead them.
Yep, I'm about ready to sit down and eat an entire cheesecake tonight! LOLOL!
Therapists and counselors "think" they know what the answers are...but until you walk a mile in my shoes......
oh, that was another one of dad's great sayings.
DW
And I read the article and here are my thoughts on it.
1. Yes, I do agree, a spouse can be the gentle snowfall. “Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it lingers in the mind.”
However, I have lived high in the mountains where a soft, gentle snow, that keeps coming down...and doesn't stop....can turn into a 5 foot drift and no one can plow through it for days on end! :o)
2. "they call this strategy “dropping the rope,” she says. The idea comes from training horses. When a horse in a corral is pulling back and resisting being led somewhere, you drop the rope and wait. Eventually the horse will start following you around."
I grew up on a 160 acre horse farm....dad always said, "you can lead a horse to water...but you can't make him drink." And on ropes, he always said, "give a man enough rope, he will hang himself."
Touche for cute little sayings!
3. "Family partners are in fact so closely linked, Professor Fisher says, that if one of them has diabetes or is obese, the other is at an increased risk of getting the condition or the weight. If one of them eats too much fat or too many carbs, the other is likely to do the same"
OK, so this scares the crap out of me!!! And a huge reason why I changed my eating/exercise habits.
4. "The positive side of that equation is that when one partner loses weight, the other one will do better than before"
So NOT true! I have lost 25 pounds this summer, he has gained 40 pounds. I'd like that therapist to explain that! I think the more I work at eating healthy...the more he balks at eating anything but crap.
5. "The best strategy is to show, rather than tell, your partner with diabetes how to control it by eating sensibly, losing weight, and exercising" and "it’s in your power to lead him there."
OK, I would LOVE to meet a therapist who will for once in their limited perspective put their thinking caps on and step into the life of a spouse of a diabetic. It is NOT my job to "lead" him to better eating. It is NOT in my "power" do to anything to change this man! It does NOT MATTER what I do with my own life....he is going to do exactly what he wants to do with his life. I can expend hours and hours cooking healthy food, preparing him the best meals possible, stocking the refrigerator with only healthy food, filling the pantry with nothing but the best. This man will get in the car and drive 1/2 mile to Burger King 20 minutes after dinner and have a burger, fries and shake. He will go a mile to the store and get a bag of potato chips, come home, and eat them all in one setting. SEE # 4 ABOVE!!!
The concept is a good one, that as a spouse, you can set an example. But concepts are just that. And they do not work in the real world. You cannot lead someone to a healthy lifestyle if they do not want to go there. You cannot change another person. You cannot, cannot, cannot do that. Not if that person does not want to change.
And my personal opinion is that when another person is in denial, in grief, refuses to face the facts, refuses to admit what is wrong.....they will not even begin to see where you are trying to lead them.
Yep, I'm about ready to sit down and eat an entire cheesecake tonight! LOLOL!
Therapists and counselors "think" they know what the answers are...but until you walk a mile in my shoes......
oh, that was another one of dad's great sayings.
DW
Friday, September 21, 2007
Incontinence
Well, he had his first incidence of this on the road today. I think it upset him quite a bit. I had already researched this when he said his prostate was enlarged, so it does not come as much of a surprise. We've already experienced a few bouts of bowel incontenence and now this. I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I know he isn't.
What did surprise me was he said his doctor told him that he no longer needs his 6 pm insulin shot. He only takes them when he wakes up and goes to bed now. I wonder if this change is what has triggered our recent rounds of lows? I think I will go back to charting the time the outbursts occur. I wonder if the doctor ordered this change or if he just decided to make the change. I'm more apt to believe this is the case.
Other than that, today's leg of our road trip was uneventful (like that's not more than enough?)
DW
What did surprise me was he said his doctor told him that he no longer needs his 6 pm insulin shot. He only takes them when he wakes up and goes to bed now. I wonder if this change is what has triggered our recent rounds of lows? I think I will go back to charting the time the outbursts occur. I wonder if the doctor ordered this change or if he just decided to make the change. I'm more apt to believe this is the case.
Other than that, today's leg of our road trip was uneventful (like that's not more than enough?)
DW
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Road Trip tomorrow, no internet....
I have my journal packed and will be writing down my thoughts as we cross the mountains and travel to the Pacific Ocean. Oh! How I love to sit on the beach, dig my toes into the sand and listen to the gentle sound of waves tumbling over rocks and sand. I can hardly wait!
No idea if/when I will have internet access. I am totally looking forward to a few day of teaching workshops (art related) and a few days of rest and relaxation. I am so hopeful that his feet will heal once again at sea level. And we might even spend a day looking at places to live in the event we decide to move to a lower altitude.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go! :o)
DW
No idea if/when I will have internet access. I am totally looking forward to a few day of teaching workshops (art related) and a few days of rest and relaxation. I am so hopeful that his feet will heal once again at sea level. And we might even spend a day looking at places to live in the event we decide to move to a lower altitude.
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go! :o)
DW
Adrenaline and insulin
From the internet:
"Any danger or stress triggers the release of adrenaline and other hormones into the blood stream and it is these hormones that enable the body to defend itself. Breathing and the heart rate increase and blood pressure rises pumping more blood to the muscles so that they are ready for action. This is when the blood sugars rise. If the stress is eliminated at this stage, then the body relaxes and goes back to normal."
To me, this indicates that regardless of the incitor, whenever there is a release of adrenaline in the body, blood sugars will rise.
A good solid fight with your spouse could trigger a release of adrenaline.
So, I think this must be why my hubby gets so angry with me over nothing so much of the time. Could it be his body's "natural" way of producing adrenaline? Just something to think about.
Last night, I was in bed with my headphones on watching a movie on my little DVD player. The movie ended about 1:30 am, I turned the player off and took the headphones off. He was snoring like a locamotive. I got up and started hunting for my earplugs (I think the puppies must have carried them off!) so I turned the bathroom light on to get another pair out of the drawer and he says, "what are you doing?" I said, "just looking for more earplugs" and he said, "I'm not snoring!". I said, "well, you were". He instantly yelled at me and said, "I'M NOT SNORING, I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO SLEEP. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DREAMING. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"
I was absolutely amazed at his comment and something in me just snapped and I looked at him and said, "It is 1:30 am, you have been asleep for over 2 hours and you were snoring as loud as I have ever heard you. You do NOT have the right to make any kind of comment that insinuates there is anything wrong with me."
Found my earplugs and got back into bed and I heard him mumble, "well, maybe I had been asleep, but I sure don't feel like it."
It got me to wondering.....was he having a sugar low and this anger was his body's reaction to bring it back up? In the episode earlier this week, it was about 10:30 am.....the time when he usually has a low according to the nutritionist who charted his daily tests.
I have decided I am going to put myself out there and start telling him that he does not have the right to raise his voice at me. I'm just so tired of all this and it HAS to stop!!! And yes, of course, this morning, he's his usual sweet self....like nothing happened. While I am quite stand-offish....he is widening the chasm between us and I don't think he even has a clue.
"Any danger or stress triggers the release of adrenaline and other hormones into the blood stream and it is these hormones that enable the body to defend itself. Breathing and the heart rate increase and blood pressure rises pumping more blood to the muscles so that they are ready for action. This is when the blood sugars rise. If the stress is eliminated at this stage, then the body relaxes and goes back to normal."
To me, this indicates that regardless of the incitor, whenever there is a release of adrenaline in the body, blood sugars will rise.
A good solid fight with your spouse could trigger a release of adrenaline.
So, I think this must be why my hubby gets so angry with me over nothing so much of the time. Could it be his body's "natural" way of producing adrenaline? Just something to think about.
Last night, I was in bed with my headphones on watching a movie on my little DVD player. The movie ended about 1:30 am, I turned the player off and took the headphones off. He was snoring like a locamotive. I got up and started hunting for my earplugs (I think the puppies must have carried them off!) so I turned the bathroom light on to get another pair out of the drawer and he says, "what are you doing?" I said, "just looking for more earplugs" and he said, "I'm not snoring!". I said, "well, you were". He instantly yelled at me and said, "I'M NOT SNORING, I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO SLEEP. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DREAMING. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"
I was absolutely amazed at his comment and something in me just snapped and I looked at him and said, "It is 1:30 am, you have been asleep for over 2 hours and you were snoring as loud as I have ever heard you. You do NOT have the right to make any kind of comment that insinuates there is anything wrong with me."
Found my earplugs and got back into bed and I heard him mumble, "well, maybe I had been asleep, but I sure don't feel like it."
It got me to wondering.....was he having a sugar low and this anger was his body's reaction to bring it back up? In the episode earlier this week, it was about 10:30 am.....the time when he usually has a low according to the nutritionist who charted his daily tests.
I have decided I am going to put myself out there and start telling him that he does not have the right to raise his voice at me. I'm just so tired of all this and it HAS to stop!!! And yes, of course, this morning, he's his usual sweet self....like nothing happened. While I am quite stand-offish....he is widening the chasm between us and I don't think he even has a clue.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Rambling thoughts.
Let me preface this by saying....I decided to edit my notes! LOL! Hubby made a comment the other day that hit me as so totally strange. He has type 2 diabetes. He was on pills for 30 years and then switched to insulin shots when I started blogging in early 2006.
He said that "his" diabetes is a disease of "his" pancreas, not of his kidneys. He said diabetes means you have an non-working pancreas, one that does not produce insulin.
When I did some online research, I find that Type 1 diabetes is where the pancreas does not produce insulin. Type 2 is where the pancreas produces insulin, but it's either not enough, or the body does not process the insulin correctly.
He has had this disease since he was in his twenties. I can't figure out why he made the comment that his diabetes (type 2) is caused because his pancreas does not produce insulin. That's my rambling thought tonight.
Regardless of that, his kidney function is at 30%. I know that people can live without a pancreas. I know that you can live without one of your kidneys, but if you lose both of them you need dialysis. I think what I'm trying to figure out here is why he would say this is all about the pancreas when it's the kidney function that he should be focusing on. OK, I still can't word that they way I want to word it. He thinks that his problem is with his pancreas, NOT his kidneys. I have to wonder if this is another way that he is denying the seriousness of his disease. As long as he tells himself it's his pancreas that's the problem, does that justify eating whole bags of potato chips every night?
I fully understand that he absolutely needs to change his diet and exercise....but he does not agree with me. He says that as long as he takes his meds, he can eat whatever he wants. He claims that is what his doctors have told him. Yet when he went with me to the diabetic nutritionist, she disagreed. But of course, she is not a doctor and he will not listen to her. I have to wonder if he does not understand that by continuing to eat the way he does, he will tax his kidneys and be on dialysis sooner than necessary.
This man is absolutely beyond belief brilliant when it comes to some aspects of life. But when it comes to nutrition, I just can't figure out where he is coming from. But one thing I am learning. The less he cares about himself, what goes into his body, and the physical problems he is having.....the more I am learning about nutrition, my own physical health, and the impact of what I eat. So there is positive growth in this for me. Yeah!
OK, I hope I've rewritten this just to clarify my thoughts.
DW
He said that "his" diabetes is a disease of "his" pancreas, not of his kidneys. He said diabetes means you have an non-working pancreas, one that does not produce insulin.
When I did some online research, I find that Type 1 diabetes is where the pancreas does not produce insulin. Type 2 is where the pancreas produces insulin, but it's either not enough, or the body does not process the insulin correctly.
He has had this disease since he was in his twenties. I can't figure out why he made the comment that his diabetes (type 2) is caused because his pancreas does not produce insulin. That's my rambling thought tonight.
Regardless of that, his kidney function is at 30%. I know that people can live without a pancreas. I know that you can live without one of your kidneys, but if you lose both of them you need dialysis. I think what I'm trying to figure out here is why he would say this is all about the pancreas when it's the kidney function that he should be focusing on. OK, I still can't word that they way I want to word it. He thinks that his problem is with his pancreas, NOT his kidneys. I have to wonder if this is another way that he is denying the seriousness of his disease. As long as he tells himself it's his pancreas that's the problem, does that justify eating whole bags of potato chips every night?
I fully understand that he absolutely needs to change his diet and exercise....but he does not agree with me. He says that as long as he takes his meds, he can eat whatever he wants. He claims that is what his doctors have told him. Yet when he went with me to the diabetic nutritionist, she disagreed. But of course, she is not a doctor and he will not listen to her. I have to wonder if he does not understand that by continuing to eat the way he does, he will tax his kidneys and be on dialysis sooner than necessary.
This man is absolutely beyond belief brilliant when it comes to some aspects of life. But when it comes to nutrition, I just can't figure out where he is coming from. But one thing I am learning. The less he cares about himself, what goes into his body, and the physical problems he is having.....the more I am learning about nutrition, my own physical health, and the impact of what I eat. So there is positive growth in this for me. Yeah!
OK, I hope I've rewritten this just to clarify my thoughts.
DW
For Better or For Worse.....
Obviously, this is not my first marriage. If it were, I might be more willing to just walk away. But I have learned that there are worse off people to be married to than someone with diabetes. Yet there are days when I wonder how much worse this could get?
A piece of me somewhere inside seems to die each time he yells at me. I blame it on a sugar low. But I am starting to wonder if it is learned behavior. He has a grandmother who is in her 90s, still living, who controls everyone in her life by yelling at them. So perhaps this has nothing to do with his diabetes. Today, I have been asking myself the question...is it learned behavior, or is it drug-induced/medically related behavior?
I know that as an older woman, I have experienced hot flashes.....and that is just miserable. I didn't want to be around another living human being. I just wanted to "sweat it out" alone. My fantasy was always to run out in the back yard in the middle of the night and lie naked in wet grass! Although I never actually did that....I really had to talk myself out of it! So I know that what happens inside the body can have an affect on how we act around other human beings. But when he spews out such vile words as he did 2 days ago, is it a medically related condition....or is it just him?
He followed his usual routine. Did not speak to me for a whole day, woke up yesterday as though nothing ever happened. Kissed me good morning and was back to his usual self. It was a pleasant enough day, but something just wasn't there. Something in me was missing. It's like I don't have the energy to bounce back and forth any more. I don't have the strength to be a loving, devoted, faithful spouse one day and then be on the defensive the next day. Maybe it's just easier to blame the disease rather than blame the man.
Instead, I immerse myself in my art and can smile, laugh and giggle at some of the things I create. There is comfort for me in creating, in working with matter to design something new. I can step out of the world of diabetes and an angry spouse and lose myself in a world that is magic to me. Today, I am melting glass in my kiln trying to see if I can form a glass bracelet. If I fail....I will learn something new in the process. If I succeed, I will be estatic!
I think that's how my life with him is. If we have a normal day with no highs and no lows, no problems with this disease....then I feel so elated! And if we have a day that is filled with misery....I try my best to learn something from it. But every now and then, we have a day like Sunday.....and it just takes time to recover. I just keep reminding myself that there are "worse" things in this life than diabetes.
DW
A piece of me somewhere inside seems to die each time he yells at me. I blame it on a sugar low. But I am starting to wonder if it is learned behavior. He has a grandmother who is in her 90s, still living, who controls everyone in her life by yelling at them. So perhaps this has nothing to do with his diabetes. Today, I have been asking myself the question...is it learned behavior, or is it drug-induced/medically related behavior?
I know that as an older woman, I have experienced hot flashes.....and that is just miserable. I didn't want to be around another living human being. I just wanted to "sweat it out" alone. My fantasy was always to run out in the back yard in the middle of the night and lie naked in wet grass! Although I never actually did that....I really had to talk myself out of it! So I know that what happens inside the body can have an affect on how we act around other human beings. But when he spews out such vile words as he did 2 days ago, is it a medically related condition....or is it just him?
He followed his usual routine. Did not speak to me for a whole day, woke up yesterday as though nothing ever happened. Kissed me good morning and was back to his usual self. It was a pleasant enough day, but something just wasn't there. Something in me was missing. It's like I don't have the energy to bounce back and forth any more. I don't have the strength to be a loving, devoted, faithful spouse one day and then be on the defensive the next day. Maybe it's just easier to blame the disease rather than blame the man.
Instead, I immerse myself in my art and can smile, laugh and giggle at some of the things I create. There is comfort for me in creating, in working with matter to design something new. I can step out of the world of diabetes and an angry spouse and lose myself in a world that is magic to me. Today, I am melting glass in my kiln trying to see if I can form a glass bracelet. If I fail....I will learn something new in the process. If I succeed, I will be estatic!
I think that's how my life with him is. If we have a normal day with no highs and no lows, no problems with this disease....then I feel so elated! And if we have a day that is filled with misery....I try my best to learn something from it. But every now and then, we have a day like Sunday.....and it just takes time to recover. I just keep reminding myself that there are "worse" things in this life than diabetes.
DW
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Another low that he won't remember.....
He just won't remember getting mad, yelling, hollering, making all kinds of accusations towards me. And in about 4 - 6 hours, he will wonder what's wrong with me. Do I tell him I'm just sad from this morning? Do I repeat what he said to me and let him deny it? Do I just go about my day and let him think all is well with the world?
The words hurt. No matter how much you tell yourself that they don't hurt....they continue to cut through you like a knife. And while I "know" that it is not him...it is his sugar low....somewhere deep inside him, he must think these things about me or he would not say them during a low.
And then I have to ask the question.....is this really what he thinks of me? Does the truth surface when he is angry, in the middle of a low, and just frustrated with everything in life?
And if this is really what he thinks of me, then why am I here? How can I love him like I do? Why do I care?
Is it because I am denying this is the truth? Because I cover it up with the excuse of a diabetic low? Because he continues to claim these are words he never said? Yet he said them. And he must truly mean them on some level.
I am truly sad today. I want to cry. But what is the point? I still have 2 options. Stay with him or leave him. I tell myself it's just one morning in a week that has been pretty ok. So stay. But then I wonder....when will the next "one" hit? How long will it last, what will he say that will cut to my bones once again...how much of this can I take?
DW
The words hurt. No matter how much you tell yourself that they don't hurt....they continue to cut through you like a knife. And while I "know" that it is not him...it is his sugar low....somewhere deep inside him, he must think these things about me or he would not say them during a low.
And then I have to ask the question.....is this really what he thinks of me? Does the truth surface when he is angry, in the middle of a low, and just frustrated with everything in life?
And if this is really what he thinks of me, then why am I here? How can I love him like I do? Why do I care?
Is it because I am denying this is the truth? Because I cover it up with the excuse of a diabetic low? Because he continues to claim these are words he never said? Yet he said them. And he must truly mean them on some level.
I am truly sad today. I want to cry. But what is the point? I still have 2 options. Stay with him or leave him. I tell myself it's just one morning in a week that has been pretty ok. So stay. But then I wonder....when will the next "one" hit? How long will it last, what will he say that will cut to my bones once again...how much of this can I take?
DW
Saturday, September 15, 2007
On driving (me nuts?) :o)
I've notice in the past 2 months that he asks me to drive everywhere we go. It's a slow transition and I didn't even notice until today when he wanted me to drive and I just didn't feel like it. But I did.
Perhaps he is realizing that there is a risk having him behind the wheel? But do I have the energy to play chauffer? Not today! But maybe tomorrow. We are driving to the ocean leaving Friday and I know that I cannot drive the whole distance. But how much should I let him drive? We are breaking the trip up into 3 days. Hotel on Friday night, his parents on Sat and Sun nite, the the ocean on Monday.
But due to my appointments and his surgery schedule, we will be in LA on Monday morning (10/1) and then 1200 miles home that night. YIKES! I'm sure we will be driving into the wee hours of the morning. I'm hoping I can snooze during surgery.
He will be on crutches afterwards and I wonder if I have the energy to be his go-fer girl?
Today, he is not moving about too much...lounging on the sofa, watching TV. His foot just causes him too much pain when he walks.
The doc gave him and Rx for othotics last months. Has he scheduled an appointment yet? No!
His CPap mask needs to be recalibrated (for 3 weeks now)...has e done that? No!
Can I fix him? No! LOLOL!!!
I'm spending the rest of my day in my studio creating, designing and playing! :o)
DW - journaling the journey of a spouse of a diabetic
Perhaps he is realizing that there is a risk having him behind the wheel? But do I have the energy to play chauffer? Not today! But maybe tomorrow. We are driving to the ocean leaving Friday and I know that I cannot drive the whole distance. But how much should I let him drive? We are breaking the trip up into 3 days. Hotel on Friday night, his parents on Sat and Sun nite, the the ocean on Monday.
But due to my appointments and his surgery schedule, we will be in LA on Monday morning (10/1) and then 1200 miles home that night. YIKES! I'm sure we will be driving into the wee hours of the morning. I'm hoping I can snooze during surgery.
He will be on crutches afterwards and I wonder if I have the energy to be his go-fer girl?
Today, he is not moving about too much...lounging on the sofa, watching TV. His foot just causes him too much pain when he walks.
The doc gave him and Rx for othotics last months. Has he scheduled an appointment yet? No!
His CPap mask needs to be recalibrated (for 3 weeks now)...has e done that? No!
Can I fix him? No! LOLOL!!!
I'm spending the rest of my day in my studio creating, designing and playing! :o)
DW - journaling the journey of a spouse of a diabetic
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Foot Surgery on 10/2
Yep, it's official. Well, he said they are not going to amputate, just cut out a portion of the outside of his foot that has not healed in 2 years.
I think it's just the beginning. I don't think this will heal and they will need to carve out more.
But before surgery, we are leaving on 9/21 and going back to sea level for a week just to see if his feet heal. If they do, this would be the 3rd time at sea level that his feet heal and proof that we need to move.
It's going to be outpatient surgery, so I'm not preparing for it....but somehow think I should....like rent a bed for the living room. We will see.
Today, we started on the South Beach diet together. So, here come the lies! My sis is here and I asked him just now if he was going to get on the stationery bike and he said he already rode today. Now, I was gone so I have no proof...but I'm 100% positie he did not set foot on it! LOL! He is just soooooo bad! I don't know why he can't just say, "I don't feel like riding tonight!"
But then I will confess here for my own journaling that when I was at my doctor's yesterday for my annual physical, I asked her to write and RX for me to go on a diet.....so he would help me out. I love my doc! She wrote and RX for the South Beach Diet and I stopped and picked up a book on the way home, then told him I had to do it...would he help me. :o) Hopefully this will at least reduce the number of bags of potato chips that he devours in a week. And maybe get him on the bike at least 3 - 4 nights a week. Better than where we are now.
I know, you all want to email him and tell him what I've done! Well...I do need to eat better and it's my way of loving him....he can help me and think he's doing a good thing!
I'll let you know if it works. The first 2 weeks will be the hardest as we're leaving next week to go visit the ocean. (Sort of like a pet...we must go visit every so often!)
DW
I think it's just the beginning. I don't think this will heal and they will need to carve out more.
But before surgery, we are leaving on 9/21 and going back to sea level for a week just to see if his feet heal. If they do, this would be the 3rd time at sea level that his feet heal and proof that we need to move.
It's going to be outpatient surgery, so I'm not preparing for it....but somehow think I should....like rent a bed for the living room. We will see.
Today, we started on the South Beach diet together. So, here come the lies! My sis is here and I asked him just now if he was going to get on the stationery bike and he said he already rode today. Now, I was gone so I have no proof...but I'm 100% positie he did not set foot on it! LOL! He is just soooooo bad! I don't know why he can't just say, "I don't feel like riding tonight!"
But then I will confess here for my own journaling that when I was at my doctor's yesterday for my annual physical, I asked her to write and RX for me to go on a diet.....so he would help me out. I love my doc! She wrote and RX for the South Beach Diet and I stopped and picked up a book on the way home, then told him I had to do it...would he help me. :o) Hopefully this will at least reduce the number of bags of potato chips that he devours in a week. And maybe get him on the bike at least 3 - 4 nights a week. Better than where we are now.
I know, you all want to email him and tell him what I've done! Well...I do need to eat better and it's my way of loving him....he can help me and think he's doing a good thing!
I'll let you know if it works. The first 2 weeks will be the hardest as we're leaving next week to go visit the ocean. (Sort of like a pet...we must go visit every so often!)
DW
Life's little frustrations
Apple upgraded it's operating systems and there is a glitch for those who have intel based wireless systems...we can't access anything in blogger.
Then I woke up and realized I could get to it from my old laptop! LOL!
There are some days when my brain just does not function! My apologies to those of you who sent notes and they didn't get approved til tonight!
DW
Then I woke up and realized I could get to it from my old laptop! LOL!
There are some days when my brain just does not function! My apologies to those of you who sent notes and they didn't get approved til tonight!
DW
Friday, August 31, 2007
and now....no more movies?
We ALWAYS go out on Friday nite. We call it "Friday nite, date nite". We almost always go to dinner and a movie.
So, this afternoon, I showered and got dressed to go out, brought the laptop downstairs and started asking him what movie he wanted to go see. I could instantly tell from his tone that something was wrong, so I just asked him. Come to find out that he doesn't want to go to movies anymore. He said it's too much trouble to change clothes, go stand in line to get tickets, and too much hassle dealing with people in the movie.
Personally, I think it's because he hurts and just doesn't feel like moving any more than he absolutely has to. He quit work about noon today and has been sleeping on the sofa ever since.
So date nite will now be to order pizza and wings in and watch another movie on TV.
I realize that pain makes a person miserable. But I'm the spouse. And I just don't want to live this miserable lifestyle. Not tonight. I'm not a recluse, I don't want to spend the rest of my days in this house. Don't tell me diabetes doesn't have an impact on the spouse. It sure as heck does! And yes, of course, I can go to dinner and the movies alone....but then what is the point of being married?
I am so pissed off at this %&*(@#$^$*(!#$&(* disease right now I could just scream.
We have a 3 day weekend and I'm going to predict that we sit here and watch TV the entire time. Well...he will. NOT ME!
So, this afternoon, I showered and got dressed to go out, brought the laptop downstairs and started asking him what movie he wanted to go see. I could instantly tell from his tone that something was wrong, so I just asked him. Come to find out that he doesn't want to go to movies anymore. He said it's too much trouble to change clothes, go stand in line to get tickets, and too much hassle dealing with people in the movie.
Personally, I think it's because he hurts and just doesn't feel like moving any more than he absolutely has to. He quit work about noon today and has been sleeping on the sofa ever since.
So date nite will now be to order pizza and wings in and watch another movie on TV.
I realize that pain makes a person miserable. But I'm the spouse. And I just don't want to live this miserable lifestyle. Not tonight. I'm not a recluse, I don't want to spend the rest of my days in this house. Don't tell me diabetes doesn't have an impact on the spouse. It sure as heck does! And yes, of course, I can go to dinner and the movies alone....but then what is the point of being married?
I am so pissed off at this %&*(@#$^$*(!#$&(* disease right now I could just scream.
We have a 3 day weekend and I'm going to predict that we sit here and watch TV the entire time. Well...he will. NOT ME!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sleepless nights
The past 2 nights have just been horrible. It could be due to my brother-in-law's heart attack (he is going to be just fine). But my hobby has had such a bad restless foot syndrome I don't know what to do. On Monday night, he went to sleep with his head at the other end of the bed (close to the TV) and his foot kept flopping right into my face....hard! I finally woke him up and asked him to turn around. He is not wearing his CPAP, so I asked him to please put that back on which he did last night. But he flopped all night long again.
The flops are so hard they literally bounce me in the bed. Very difficult to get any kind of sleep, yet he seems to sleep right through them. His foot will raise at least a foot up off the bed and then flop back down.
He had to get up at 5 am this morning for a business call and he got dressed as he was going to go into the office today. Of course, he sat on the edge of the bed and bounced as he put his shoes on. But I noticed his breathing. This is not the first time I've noticed this, it was very short, rapid and labored breathing. Almost like panting for pregnant women. I don't think he was aware of it at all and it has happened a few times. It's like the least bit of physical activity and he starts to pant.
My sis has gone back to the hospital and hubby has gone to work and I realized this is the FIRST time I've been totally alone in 2 weeks! And I'm so tired all I want to do is go to sleep. But if I sleep today, then I will be awake all night tonight. And I'm certain that he has no idea whatsoever that I haven't slept the past 2 nights. I told my sis this morning that I don't need separate bedrooms...I need a separate house! LOL! She got serious on me and told me that I need to start planning for the day when he has a heart attack. And that made me even more tired. I can't even think about it right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. How on earth does one plan for that? Something to ponder.
The flops are so hard they literally bounce me in the bed. Very difficult to get any kind of sleep, yet he seems to sleep right through them. His foot will raise at least a foot up off the bed and then flop back down.
He had to get up at 5 am this morning for a business call and he got dressed as he was going to go into the office today. Of course, he sat on the edge of the bed and bounced as he put his shoes on. But I noticed his breathing. This is not the first time I've noticed this, it was very short, rapid and labored breathing. Almost like panting for pregnant women. I don't think he was aware of it at all and it has happened a few times. It's like the least bit of physical activity and he starts to pant.
My sis has gone back to the hospital and hubby has gone to work and I realized this is the FIRST time I've been totally alone in 2 weeks! And I'm so tired all I want to do is go to sleep. But if I sleep today, then I will be awake all night tonight. And I'm certain that he has no idea whatsoever that I haven't slept the past 2 nights. I told my sis this morning that I don't need separate bedrooms...I need a separate house! LOL! She got serious on me and told me that I need to start planning for the day when he has a heart attack. And that made me even more tired. I can't even think about it right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. How on earth does one plan for that? Something to ponder.
Monday, August 27, 2007
The body's amazing ability to heal
So, someone stepped on hubby's sore foot and he did not walk for 3 days. On day 4, he was back to normal. Thank goodness! I think he is learning how to manage his injuries a bit better, and what to do when he has an open sore. The pressure from the impact forced his wound open, so it was oozing puss once again, but it has healed closed which is record time for him. Which is a blessing.
He is also doing so much better with what he eats. Today for lunch, he opted for grilled chicken breast. I believe that my eating changes are catching up with him. He is drinking less and less soda, more water. I can tell by the number of bottles that we go through each month. It may not be long before I have to increase our order.
He is sleeping a little less throughout the day and having a little more energy. He is not being real faithful about his CPAP, but at least he is trying to use it.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if the kidney's could heal themselves as well? For the moment, I'm grateful for the progress he is making.
DW
He is also doing so much better with what he eats. Today for lunch, he opted for grilled chicken breast. I believe that my eating changes are catching up with him. He is drinking less and less soda, more water. I can tell by the number of bottles that we go through each month. It may not be long before I have to increase our order.
He is sleeping a little less throughout the day and having a little more energy. He is not being real faithful about his CPAP, but at least he is trying to use it.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if the kidney's could heal themselves as well? For the moment, I'm grateful for the progress he is making.
DW
Life changes in a single moment
My sis and her hubby were with us all last week in Vegas. We went out riding in the mountains on our ATVs yesterday and had a great time. We all went to the kennel this morning to pick up our pets and they left to go 2 1/2 miles through the mountains to their home. I knew that he was going back to work at noon today. At 2:30, I got a phone call from her telling me that he had had a heart attack and they were air lifting him to the "big" city.
And I just started crying. He is only 54 years old. Just a year younger than me. Way too young. And I know she is not ready for this at all.
There are a zillion things that flash through your mind. Like....I just saw him this morning. He was perfectly ok. He looked great. Are you sure he had a heart attack? Is this some kind of a joke?
She had just had my hubby help her place an order for a new computer online last night and wanted me to cancel the order. Amazing what you can do when you explain that someone has just had a major heart attack and you don't know if they will live or not. Amazing service. The order had shipped, but the guy was going to contact the carrier and have them return it.
Amazing what your priorities in life are when someone has a heart attack. My youngest sister's husband went to sleep about 3 years ago and never woke up. Had a heart attack while sleeping. I don't think my family has recovered from that loss yet. And now this.
I called her back and he is stable. We have another sis (mom was smart to have so many kids!) who lives next door and she is driving her halfway down and I will meet her and bring her into the hospital. I am so glad we live in the "big city" so she has family here and isn't stuck alone in a hotel at night. But things to think about when planning for our future.
Do you ever have enough insurance? Is there money set aside to pay for hotel rooms? Is there an empty credit card for emergencies? How long does it take to find the DNR? What do you do with the pets? And will there be a tomorrow?
My brother-in-law does not have diabetes. He works in construction and I've always thought him to be remarkably healthy. While in Vegas, he walked about 10 miles per day before the heat set in. I so admired him for his ability to get out and do that. Proof that life is not partial to those who are healthiest, or to those who are sickest. But the question is, how well do we plan for what might happen? Can we plan for it?
I do think that my hubby and I need to start now planning for the future. For what might happen. I know I keep a credit card that has a $10K limit empty. I used to joke and tell him that it was in case he died overseas while traveling for work. Now I'm thinking I need a couple of those in case I have to air lift either one of us somewhere and we need nursing home care, etc.
I have a couple of hours before I need to go meet her and be off to the hospital. Me, who hates (abhors) hospitals....but at least he is alive. Prayer is a powerful thing and I've already put out the call for more. I believe in it more than anything. But I also believe that Jehovah knows what is best for all of us.
Life changes in a single moment. In the blink of an eye. In one phone call. In one breath.
I need to do a better job of taking care of the life that I have, and in planning for my own future.
And I just started crying. He is only 54 years old. Just a year younger than me. Way too young. And I know she is not ready for this at all.
There are a zillion things that flash through your mind. Like....I just saw him this morning. He was perfectly ok. He looked great. Are you sure he had a heart attack? Is this some kind of a joke?
She had just had my hubby help her place an order for a new computer online last night and wanted me to cancel the order. Amazing what you can do when you explain that someone has just had a major heart attack and you don't know if they will live or not. Amazing service. The order had shipped, but the guy was going to contact the carrier and have them return it.
Amazing what your priorities in life are when someone has a heart attack. My youngest sister's husband went to sleep about 3 years ago and never woke up. Had a heart attack while sleeping. I don't think my family has recovered from that loss yet. And now this.
I called her back and he is stable. We have another sis (mom was smart to have so many kids!) who lives next door and she is driving her halfway down and I will meet her and bring her into the hospital. I am so glad we live in the "big city" so she has family here and isn't stuck alone in a hotel at night. But things to think about when planning for our future.
Do you ever have enough insurance? Is there money set aside to pay for hotel rooms? Is there an empty credit card for emergencies? How long does it take to find the DNR? What do you do with the pets? And will there be a tomorrow?
My brother-in-law does not have diabetes. He works in construction and I've always thought him to be remarkably healthy. While in Vegas, he walked about 10 miles per day before the heat set in. I so admired him for his ability to get out and do that. Proof that life is not partial to those who are healthiest, or to those who are sickest. But the question is, how well do we plan for what might happen? Can we plan for it?
I do think that my hubby and I need to start now planning for the future. For what might happen. I know I keep a credit card that has a $10K limit empty. I used to joke and tell him that it was in case he died overseas while traveling for work. Now I'm thinking I need a couple of those in case I have to air lift either one of us somewhere and we need nursing home care, etc.
I have a couple of hours before I need to go meet her and be off to the hospital. Me, who hates (abhors) hospitals....but at least he is alive. Prayer is a powerful thing and I've already put out the call for more. I believe in it more than anything. But I also believe that Jehovah knows what is best for all of us.
Life changes in a single moment. In the blink of an eye. In one phone call. In one breath.
I need to do a better job of taking care of the life that I have, and in planning for my own future.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Viva Las Vegas!
We are in Las Vegas this week. Here with my sis and her hubby. My sis and I are attending an art convention. I can't begin to explain how wonderful this is. The creative juices are just flowing and I am having a blast. Hubby and my brother-in-law are exploring Vegas and the casino/hotel/convention center where we are staying.
We all went to Tony & Tina's wedding tonight. While in the buffet line, some idiot stepped on hubby's sore foot and totally crushed it. Hubby could barely stand the pain, made it through the rest of the show, hobbled home and is in such pain I just want to cry for him. There isn't much he can do except take some pain pills. His toe is swelling and bright red. I just wish other people were more considerate. I'm sure the other guy didn't mean to step on it....I'm sure it was an accident. But I also am sure the other guy has no idea what he is putting my poor hubby through.
Just makes you stop and think that you never know what reactions your actions will have on another human being.
I know this will keep hubby in bed the rest of the trip. Fortunately, we don't have anything else planned except for the 2 of us gals to attend the convention. Should be a fun weekend!
DW
We all went to Tony & Tina's wedding tonight. While in the buffet line, some idiot stepped on hubby's sore foot and totally crushed it. Hubby could barely stand the pain, made it through the rest of the show, hobbled home and is in such pain I just want to cry for him. There isn't much he can do except take some pain pills. His toe is swelling and bright red. I just wish other people were more considerate. I'm sure the other guy didn't mean to step on it....I'm sure it was an accident. But I also am sure the other guy has no idea what he is putting my poor hubby through.
Just makes you stop and think that you never know what reactions your actions will have on another human being.
I know this will keep hubby in bed the rest of the trip. Fortunately, we don't have anything else planned except for the 2 of us gals to attend the convention. Should be a fun weekend!
DW
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I'm worn out from the weekend....
and not because we did anything at all. I think it is exhausting to just sit around the house. And that's all he wanted to do this weekend.
His foot is all infected again. It hurts for him to walk. We are supposed to fly to a convention this week. Scheduled to leave Wednesday. I wonder if he will be able to travel. He commented today that he would rather just stay here and I go by myself.
Is that my future? I have to make a choice? Either I do these things alone.....or I just sit here all the time and do nothing at all?
Isn't the reason we got married to have someone to share life with? If I'm going to be off doing all these things alone, why be married? Good question, huh?
And yeah, I'm just talking to myself! I do it a lot! I think it's pretty good therapy!
DW
His foot is all infected again. It hurts for him to walk. We are supposed to fly to a convention this week. Scheduled to leave Wednesday. I wonder if he will be able to travel. He commented today that he would rather just stay here and I go by myself.
Is that my future? I have to make a choice? Either I do these things alone.....or I just sit here all the time and do nothing at all?
Isn't the reason we got married to have someone to share life with? If I'm going to be off doing all these things alone, why be married? Good question, huh?
And yeah, I'm just talking to myself! I do it a lot! I think it's pretty good therapy!
DW
If you wrote a contract to your diabetic spouse...
What would it include?
Cici wrote a comment that really got me to thinking:
http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2007/08/home-week-and-infection-is-back.html
I happen to think this is a brilliant idea, and wonder if it would work. But what all would it include? As women, we are caregivers. It's in our nature to "heal". Taking care of those we love is what we do best. So where do we draw the line?
I've always said that I will not drive him to dialysis. I will not push a wheelchair around with him in it. But I find I am doing most of the driving already, just because I don't want him causing a wreck when I'm in the car!
So I thought I'd start a list and see if anyone wants to add to it. I might just actually write a contract one of these days!
1. Will not pick up meds
2. Will not go to the doctor with him
3. Will not make doctors appointments
4. Will not ask him if he packed enough meds
5. Will not drive him to dialysis
6. Will not push his wheelchair around
7. Will not ask him if he remembered to take his meds
8. Will not set his meds out for him/count out his pills
9. Will not fetch things for him when his feet are so sore he can't walk
10. Will not do yardwork for him
and while we are at it, I think I will write up a contract for the dogs! OK....let me explain. He loves his 2 little dogs. I have never allowed pets inside the house. Mostly because my oldest son had severe asthma. But when I married this guy, he already had a dog. Then he got a second one because we were both working outside the house and he said that dog # 1 needed company during the day. He promised to take care of them. And now, he has me do all the dog related chores. I've sworn that when one of these dogs dies we are NOT going to replace it. But then the realization hit me that I am enabling him to have his pets. I'm the one doing all the maintenance for them. So here is my "dog contract"
1. I will not pick up pet poo
2. I will not feed/water the dogs
3. I will not shampoo the carpet or mop the floors to remove dog stains in the carpet
4. I will not run to the store to get pet food when we are out.
5. I will not brush the dogs
6. I will not bathe the dogs
7. I will not take the dogs outside for potty
8. I will not walk the dogs
9. When we travel, I will not pack up the dogs gear
10. When we travel, I will not put their leashes on and take them for potty walks.
Yeah, and if I don't do it, I know he won't and I will have to live with the messes, the stench, the dirt. OK, I guess some things just cannot be handles with contracts.
But isn't diabetes the same? If I don't drive the car and he has a wreck, I'll be dead. If I don't make sure he packs his meds, we will just turn around and come back home.
Where do you draw the line as a spouse as to what you can live with "not" doing?
DW
Cici wrote a comment that really got me to thinking:
http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2007/08/home-week-and-infection-is-back.html
I happen to think this is a brilliant idea, and wonder if it would work. But what all would it include? As women, we are caregivers. It's in our nature to "heal". Taking care of those we love is what we do best. So where do we draw the line?
I've always said that I will not drive him to dialysis. I will not push a wheelchair around with him in it. But I find I am doing most of the driving already, just because I don't want him causing a wreck when I'm in the car!
So I thought I'd start a list and see if anyone wants to add to it. I might just actually write a contract one of these days!
1. Will not pick up meds
2. Will not go to the doctor with him
3. Will not make doctors appointments
4. Will not ask him if he packed enough meds
5. Will not drive him to dialysis
6. Will not push his wheelchair around
7. Will not ask him if he remembered to take his meds
8. Will not set his meds out for him/count out his pills
9. Will not fetch things for him when his feet are so sore he can't walk
10. Will not do yardwork for him
and while we are at it, I think I will write up a contract for the dogs! OK....let me explain. He loves his 2 little dogs. I have never allowed pets inside the house. Mostly because my oldest son had severe asthma. But when I married this guy, he already had a dog. Then he got a second one because we were both working outside the house and he said that dog # 1 needed company during the day. He promised to take care of them. And now, he has me do all the dog related chores. I've sworn that when one of these dogs dies we are NOT going to replace it. But then the realization hit me that I am enabling him to have his pets. I'm the one doing all the maintenance for them. So here is my "dog contract"
1. I will not pick up pet poo
2. I will not feed/water the dogs
3. I will not shampoo the carpet or mop the floors to remove dog stains in the carpet
4. I will not run to the store to get pet food when we are out.
5. I will not brush the dogs
6. I will not bathe the dogs
7. I will not take the dogs outside for potty
8. I will not walk the dogs
9. When we travel, I will not pack up the dogs gear
10. When we travel, I will not put their leashes on and take them for potty walks.
Yeah, and if I don't do it, I know he won't and I will have to live with the messes, the stench, the dirt. OK, I guess some things just cannot be handles with contracts.
But isn't diabetes the same? If I don't drive the car and he has a wreck, I'll be dead. If I don't make sure he packs his meds, we will just turn around and come back home.
Where do you draw the line as a spouse as to what you can live with "not" doing?
DW
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Home a week and the infection is back.
I swear, we are going to hop a plane and get him to a lower altitude and see if it heals up again. I cannot believe this. His feet were so healthy looking. Then today he said they were killing him. Tonight he had me look at them and yep, once again, he has a horrible sore on the side of his toe, open wound, oozing out stuff all over the place. But this time, the red infection is just almost the color of fire, it's so bright.
He is feeling quite sick, as though he had the flu. Doesn't want to move. Sad thing is we have overnight guests so he did stay downstairs and chat as long as he could stand the pain. And he kept his socks on!
But the moment he got up to the bedroom....he took the socks off. So, what do you do? I'm sure the fibers from the carpet, the bedding, etc., are not good getting into an open sore. And the thought of the puss oozing into the carpet.....I just want to hire someone to come shampoo on a daily basis. It just cannot be healthy for him, me, the puppies......
And just looking at his open sores totally makes me go queezy. I can barely do it. But I know I have to. Problem is, tonight, I had just taken all my vitamins and minerals. Now, I always have to down them with crackers as they make me a bit nauseated. But then to have him ask me to look at his feet....and me not expecting to see an open wound after a week of healthy feet....
How on earth can it go from being so normal looking to being so infected so quickly? Now that's beyond me.
I'm just more and more convinced that it has something to do with altitude. But it's going to be at least 3 weeks before we could possibly fly to sea level. We do have some frequent flier miles, so we can go last minute. I think we should go ahead and book the trip now, but he wants to wait and see if his feet heal up on their own.
In the meantime....it's oozing out on my cream colored carpet......
Oh, and yes, he refuses to put bandaids on anything. they make him itch. I'm sure it's the damage to nerve endings of some such thing....but to walk around with open sores that are infected.....
And I should make note that since he got back from his overseas trip, he has not worn the CPAP. We are back to nights of flopping legs. He said that he needs to take it in and get it calirated as he can't breath with it on. Hmmm....he's been home a week...what is the hold up?
oiy vey!
DW
He is feeling quite sick, as though he had the flu. Doesn't want to move. Sad thing is we have overnight guests so he did stay downstairs and chat as long as he could stand the pain. And he kept his socks on!
But the moment he got up to the bedroom....he took the socks off. So, what do you do? I'm sure the fibers from the carpet, the bedding, etc., are not good getting into an open sore. And the thought of the puss oozing into the carpet.....I just want to hire someone to come shampoo on a daily basis. It just cannot be healthy for him, me, the puppies......
And just looking at his open sores totally makes me go queezy. I can barely do it. But I know I have to. Problem is, tonight, I had just taken all my vitamins and minerals. Now, I always have to down them with crackers as they make me a bit nauseated. But then to have him ask me to look at his feet....and me not expecting to see an open wound after a week of healthy feet....
How on earth can it go from being so normal looking to being so infected so quickly? Now that's beyond me.
I'm just more and more convinced that it has something to do with altitude. But it's going to be at least 3 weeks before we could possibly fly to sea level. We do have some frequent flier miles, so we can go last minute. I think we should go ahead and book the trip now, but he wants to wait and see if his feet heal up on their own.
In the meantime....it's oozing out on my cream colored carpet......
Oh, and yes, he refuses to put bandaids on anything. they make him itch. I'm sure it's the damage to nerve endings of some such thing....but to walk around with open sores that are infected.....
And I should make note that since he got back from his overseas trip, he has not worn the CPAP. We are back to nights of flopping legs. He said that he needs to take it in and get it calirated as he can't breath with it on. Hmmm....he's been home a week...what is the hold up?
oiy vey!
DW
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