from DW in Texas

she wrote:

DW...I can't thank you enough for your posts...(just wish they were more often)...They HELP so much in my darkening world...I truly look forward to reading them over & over... You actually make me feel there is something else in my life besides dh & all that goes with it...please know you have a gift & pray you'll continue sharing/posting your "lifeline" for others...DW in Texas

Thanks.  Now that hubby is back living here I'm sure I will have more to post.  I have always said that if my "writing" will help one other person, I will keep it up.  :)

So an update on hubby.  In 2011, he had spinal fusion surgery.  You can go back through this blog and find the posts as it was a horrific experience.  It was his lower back that was fused and the surgeon said that in 5-10 years his upper back would need it.  He has been in excruciating pain and the X-rays show that yes, sooner than expected, he now needs the upper back fused.  I told him we could at least talk to the surgeon. 

But I will not do what I did last time.  People say that I "saved" him by becoming his advocate.  There truly were a hundred things that went wrong in that hospitalization.  But I cannot do it again.  First, we have moved and it would be about 50 miles to the hospital and I won't be "on call" to make that drive in the middle of the night.  I promise I will be there during the surgery and I will go every 3-4 days and spend time, but I will not be the advocate again.  Second - I'm older and wiser now.  I have a friend who's hubby had to go to the VA hospital which was about an hour from their home.  She simply couldn't do the commute and visited him once a week.  I think he was in for 3 weeks.  She said it kept her sane and I do understand that - there is something about being in a hospital 24/7 and not being the patient, not having access to mind-numbing drugs, that just isn't quite right!  LOL!!!

Hubby does not have the referral yet.  So it might be a few before we see the surgeon.  In the meantime, he is spending just about 24/7 in his room, either sitting in a chair, or in bed.  No exercise.  No socialization.  I doubt he could due to the pain.

But I am so dang busy I can't pay attention!  It's fall and today I had to drain and cover the fountains and pond, take off the pergola cover, take down the screens from the gazebo (yes, we have both!) and get ready for snow.  OK - I will never be ready for snow!  Then we drove an hour to the nearest town with a PetSmart to get some pet food and other supplies.  Love living in a tiny village....not so much when it comes to getting stuff you need.  And of course, Walmart doesn't carry the stuff we need.  Came home and finished in the yard - think I'm ready for winter here!  

If you want to contact me, you can do the yahoo email, but I may not get to it if I forget.  You can always post a comment here and post it anonymously and those send alerts to my "real" email.  :o)  Sorry, but I still feel the need to keep myself hidden so that I can be as honest as possible about what happens to the body of a non-compliant diabetic.  Yes, I have wondered how much of his back problems are due to his high sugars eating away at nerve endings and other tissues.....or is it just something that would have happened regardless?

Todays suggestion - find something you love to do (gardening/crafting/genealogy.....) and do it with so much passion that you don't have time to think about diabetes.  After all, it's not your disease.  :)

DW

Dear Tom's Wife

I tried to post a comment on your blog and it wouldn't let me.  If you see this post, please let us know how you are doing.  It's been almost a year since you posted and things weren't going so well.  Keeping you in my prayers.

DW

A very good comment

a reader posted this:

I know exactly how you feel. And this blog illustrates to me just how long a non-compliant diabetic's chronic decline can affect their loved one's lives. It seems endless, and with no hope for getting better. Only a promise of years to come with losses and horrible physical and mental problems to contend with.  Having your own life aside from that horror is key to maintaining your sanity and health through the duration of this event in your life. The option is to leave.  So if you decide to be there for your loved one, you must take care of yourself first. Even if it sounds selfish. Put your oxygen mask on first - THEN help your neighbor. - get it ?!That means find something to do in your life that you love. Do it every day if you need to. Protect your self. A friend put it this way: Don't let your life get stuck iin the axle of their illness. We are all separate to some degree, even when healthy and happy. Realize that. Don't feel guilty about it.

I liked the analysis of putting your oxygen mask on first....then helping those around you.  I think that's a very good thought.

But sometimes in a crisis, I forget to do that!  Something I am going to work on.

The good thing for me is that I have found a variety of things that I love to do.....and I do them as often as possible.

And yes, a non-compliant diabetic's chronic decline seems endless.  Absolutely no hope of getting better.  Just more and more things going wrong with the body, more medications, more side effects.  Maybe the hardest part is to watch the other person decline right in front of your eyes.

Or to notice the tiny little differences from one day to the next:

"why is the skin under your eyes so white today" (a symptom of kidney failure)

"why are you so quiet today?" (depression, pain, drug effects?)

it seems endless at times.  So I go garden.  I have strawberries blooming in October - a great reminder that there is hope, no matter what the season is.  :o)

More surgery or not?

I don't post unless there's something new or different.  There's still the roller coaster ride of highs and lows...but he is trying hard to contain them.  I appreciate that.  He has had significant back pain, so finally had X-rays done.  As predicted, his upper back now needs to be fused and he's been referred to a neurosurgeon.

If you remember back in 2011 when he had his spinal fusion surgery - it was a nightmare.  They wrote down the wrong insulin and cut his dose by 90%.  So he crashed on the operating table.  Afterwards, he had blockage in his intestines and had a stomach pump in for 2 weeks.  He also got c-dif - a horrible hospital infection....just so many things that went wrong, and he said he would never go back to a hospital.

But sometimes, pain can change your mind.  I have decided that we can at least talk to the surgeon.....but I wonder about more surgery.  Could he survive?  Would it solve the pain issue?  If he doesn't have the surgery, how long can he survive the pain....it's pretty severe.

A1c is still between 8 and 10.  No improvement in that.  How long can one survive with such high A1c?  He's been at this level consistently since 2008.

On another note, a reader posted this in the comments on an earlier post:
You asked How does your spouse deal with grief and sugar highs and lows. Mine has rage as his first outlet. But like you I have made some rules. He is aware that the option is that I can leave. I don't say it often, but he knows it.  My question to you is - Keeping your gardening, focusing on something that gives your life good moments - does that help you to alsoIt  be able to seee the good moments between you and your spouse? As those good moments become less and less, and he turns into someone almost completely different than he was? It's kind of like how an alcoholic dies; they get mean. They aren't at all who they used to be. The personality changes SO Much! So I have friends that I do my one activity I like with. Focusing on that activity while we're doing it, as if life were normal, is what keeps me going. They don't know my situation though. They are just activity buddies. And not talking about Diabetes is kind of a treat. It's as if that part of my life doesn't HAVE diabetes in it. But I'm having difficulty maintaining at home because it's so depressing there! It's showing up in my lack of attention to the house upkeep. It's as if the house is dying along with my husband. Nothing gets fixed unless it is imperative! So little by little through the years the disrepair builds. I guess the answer is I should just tackle it myself. It might me feel alot better and gradually the house will become mine. And I will gradually learn to be the boss of those kinds of decisions. Taking the reins where he used to be the boss while he is still physically here - is one of the hardest things for me. Mechanical things. Construction. Financial decisions. The fact that I have to not just make them, but override him (because his idea these days is to let it go. Or say he'll get to it but he never does) and THEN do these unfamiliar things. That is maybe a lesson I wil take from this event in our lives, that will make me stronger and more capable when I am actually alone.When this is over. If it ever will be over. I sometimes think that it will kill me first.

My response.  Gardening has been a huge help.  It occupies my time from April - October.   It creates good moments between hubby and me because he enjoys how wonderful the yard is.  He can sit on the back deck and watch me work, talk to me while I'm working.  It gets him outside a little more often.

There are many aspects of my life that are void of diabetes and I agree, that is mandatory.  I am an artist and have groups that I join, events I attend. Diabetes is never mentioned.

I agree, I have learned how to do so much on my own.  Mostly due to the 3 year separation.  Youtube has been a godsend!  I don't think there is anything I can't tackle.  And because of the gardens, the house has to look great, inside and out.  Now that he is back, I do run most decisions by him....but I already know the answer.  :o)

Overriding him is an issue.  I wait until I'm pretty sure the sugar is normal to even have a discussion.  He is getting more and more forgetful....so I am repeating myself more and more - holding my tongue, trying not to let him know how frustrating it can be.  Yesterday alone he asked me 4 times about my plans for today.

Some days, I'm pretty sure I will die first.  But for the most part, diabetes is HIS problem, not mine, and in my life I try hard to keep it on the back burner.  Which keeps me sane.  :)

Starting over

Hubby has moved back here.  Been a week and things are going ok.  But I do realize we are in a "honeymoon" phase.  I will say that he is working overtime to make this work and I am not complaining.  He has not had labs done yet.  He has not seen a doctor yet.  He is doing great at keeping his anger in check.

He inherited his dad's chihuahua.  She broke her leg at a young age and had to have it amputated.  So now I am "mom" to 2 chihuahuas after 3 years of no pets.  That may be the biggest adjustment.  :)

The house is completely torn up and in total disarray as I would expect any time someone moves in or out.  So I am doing my best to stay patient with the mess.  Keeping busy working in my garden.  This is my 3rd summer and things are growing and blooming like crazy.  It keeps me sane!

Only time will tell how this will work out.  He kept his dad's place so I know he can always leave and go back and I am fine with that at the moment.  I want to keep the "legal separation" that we have in place for the time being.  Simply not willing to make changes of any kind and there is no reason to make snap decisions.  Hoping he will get labs done this week.

There is a saying "in the end it will be ok because it will be the end" and while I am not really ready to be the wife of a diabetic again, I have had a lovely 3 year break and perhaps I have built up the strength and had the rest that I need to see this through to the end.  Only time will tell.

And yes, he is still very non-compliant.  Last night alone he ate ice cream, a cinnamon roll, rollos....but I'm sure he's been eating just like that for the last 3 years.  I am trying so hard to keep my mouth shut!  No, I did not buy them, he did!  I have lost 35 pounds while he was gone and I am determined to keep it off!

Here's hoping week 2 is as good as week 1 was.

DW

Life goes on

A week after my last post, hubby's dad passed away.  We left the next day to go back.  Hubby had just finished his last doctor's appointment that day.

So things just went downhill from there.  In retrospect....was it grief?  was it a diabetic low?  was it just stress?  I will never know, but the fights were horrendous and just seemed to grow.  Hubby started making terrible decisions faster than I could absorb them.  I tried to be supportive.  His brother was there and pushing so hard as he needed to get things done before he went home.

Eventually, I broke down.  Walked out - climbed up into the hills, found a rock and had a good cry.  Hubby called asking me to come back.  Well, where was I going?  LOL!  After I finished my cry, I went back and things were a little better.  Both guys decided to back off on making changes.  Things slowed down.  But there were more huge fights.  

I think the worst one was a sugar related one.  It's been so long since I've been around him I really had to give it time to sink in.  And oh, my goodness....the memories just came flooding back.  

So I am back home now.  He and his brother are going to keep their parent's place.  I am not going back.  Hubby can decide to stay or come back here - I just do not care.  I have made my "rules" pretty clear - if he comes back here, he is going to keep the place clean, smell free, no fights, and deal with his problems.    But I need a few weeks alone here.  It has been intense.  But death always is.  

I am most mad at myself as I had lost 35 pounds and I have now put 20 back on.  So back on the diet tomorrow and I am not going to do this again. I can't!  I'm just too old.  ha ha!  I know it was all stress eating and I do have to get that under control.

So, how does your diabetic spouse deal with grief and sugar highs and lows.  A new, rather interesting situation for me.

If he does move back, I will be back to posting more often.  In the meantime, I have loads of gardening to get to as I have been gone more than I've been home this year.  

Since my last post in February, I have come home, gone on a month long vacation with my sisters, gone back and spent 3 weeks with hubby and now we are both home for 3 weeks as he needs a break from taking care of his dad.  Until yesterday, things had gone great.  The plans are to spend a couple more weeks here, then go back to his dad's where I will spend a couple of weeks, then I'll head home for the summer.

What happened yesterday.  For the past few days, there have been horrible smells coming from his room whenever he opens the door.  I assumed it was our aging dog.  So I started on a mission with the black light to find where she had peed on the carpet.  I set out a can of freshener stuff, sprayed other products on the carpet....things I have done forever in the past.  In the back of my mind I kept thinking that this was not the smell of dog urine, but something I had experienced before and I was truly puzzled.

Last night, the smell was so bad I wanted to vomit.  So I asked hubby if he knew what it could be.  I told him it was making me sick and that today I would get a rug doctor and clean the carpets.  Me- still thinking it was our dog.

A couple of hours later, he comes into my bedroom and says, "the smells are all me.  I will pack up and drive back to dad's tomorrow and figure out how to get your car back to you."  I said, "what do you mean the smells are all you?"  (I was truly shocked by his statement as that thought had never crossed my mind!)  He said, I ate cheese and it is not agreeing with me.  You said that I am making you sick, so I will leave.

I almost wanted to burst out laughing.....or scream my head off.  Nowhere had I EVER said (or even thought) that "he" was making me sick.  I thought it was the dog!  And then is martyrdom....oh my goodness....that he is going to pack up, drive back to his dad's, leave me here without a vehicle....

I said, "stop being such a martyr!"  To which he stomped off to his room!  OK, isn't martyr the right term?  I found this definition online:  someone who is making a big deal out of their own work or suffering.

Again, I thought it was the dog!

And then my brain kicks in.  Remember - he's been gone for almost 3 years and I haven't had to deal with anything diabetic.....ketoacidosis.  That's the smell.  He had it horrible after his back surgery when his kidneys failed and he was on dialysis, and it's the very same smell.  Kidney failure.  And with all the neuropathy, he probably doesn't smell it at all.  If you haven't experienced it - it's a sweet acidic type smell and when it gets bad, it's nauseating.  

He's still in bed and I'm sure when he does wake up, he will be all apologetic and tell me how sorry he is and then he will do things to eliminate the odor.  It's always the pattern.  If it's anything different, I will post again.  But my memory recall is flooding back and I realize what an amazing gift I've had to be free of these "temper tantrums" - ok, highs and lows - for the last 3 years.  That being said, I also am fully aware of how exhausted he is from taking care of his father who is also a diabetic.

I may be a horrible person, but I'm going to say it again - this is NOT my disease.  Yet a diabetic produces all these side effects that a spouse must deal with.  ESRD is not pretty.  It is not pleasant.  I don't care how much you love a person, ketoacidosis is rank and can make you puke!  Well, at least make you dry heave which is also not pleasant!  The fact that he can't smell it is shocking.

Going to relax a bit before the "day" begins!

keeping your privacy

Had a comment from someone who couldn't figure out how to keep their identity private.  Well, I simply set up a fake email account with yahoo.  Then I used that "valid" email name to set up an account with google and thus this blog.  If I have an address....it's pretty much fake.  Keeps my location private that way as well.

I only have about 3 days left of this visit with hubby.  We had an interesting day today - a true Friday the 13th, so I'm pretty much writing it off.  But I dropped him off to get his haircut while I ran an errand.  Got back quickly and pulled into the handicapped parking spot.  He came out about 10 minutes later, looked at me, looked the other way, then pulled out his cell phone and I knew he was calling to find out where I was.  I rolled down the window and yelled to him before he made the call.  He said he didn't see me.  Sort of makes you wonder what's going on.  But again...it IS Friday the 13th!

Have been doing more cleaning on this trip, but I have also been in repair and restore mode.  Fixing things up, painting, patching.  Creating a small space of my own in a spare bedroom.  Found a group on FB to join so I can meet other women in the area.  I'm going overseas the month of March, then I'll be back here in April.  Going to be quite the busy year, that's for sure!  At least I can still travel and I'm so grateful for that!  He will be at my place in May and get his labs done then so I'll try to post an update with those.

DW

Things continue to improve

Hubby has been gone 2 years, 5 months.  After his November visit, I let him fly me to visit him in December.  3 weeks.  I was so anxious.  But it went really well and I'm going back the end of this month for another 3 weeks.  He now calls numerous times a day telling me how much he misses me, that he loves me....

WHAT HAPPENED?  What changed?  and w-h-a-t-t-h-e-h-e-c-k?????  LOL!!!

Thinking back.  In Jan, 2013, I was ready to divorce him.  It got worse in Sept that year.  But in Nov, that visit went ok.  Just ok.  Not great, but not horrible.  Jan 2014, that was an ok visit.  But in Nov and Dec, we actually had a great time together.

Is is just the length of the separation?  Has he forgotten what our life had become?  Has he erased everything?  Or does it boil down to finances?  He needs my health insurance and my benefits.  Because of my employment, he does not have the so-called "Medicare Gap" and found out that I am saving him about $7500 in Oct, Nov, and Dec.

So yeah, he "should" love me!  :o)

I have decided to take a wait and see attitude about all of this.  I'm not going to rock the boat.  Just going to enjoy this.  We are still legally separated and I plan to keep it that way.  But if he wants to fly me to where he is, take me shopping and out to dinner - hey!  I'm up for that.

He will be here in May and will get his labs done then.  Will be interesting to see if his A1c is still at 10.2.

The really great thing for me is that I am literally and completely diabetic living free.....and that is a huge difference.  In fact, I could not have explained this to myself or anyone else, I think I had to experience it.  Living with a diabetic partner takes a huge toll out of one's self, both physically, emotionally AND financially.  I think when I was living it - I was in denial.  But I am in better physical shape today than I have been at any point in the last 15 years.  That constant, daily, roller-coaster ride simply depletes a person.  Zaps the life-blood out of you!  The never knowing when the other person is going to be happy, sane, mad, screaming, raging......life without that is certainly healthier!  And again, remember, I was with a non-compliant diabetic.  I pray it's different if the diabetes is under control.  Something I never experienced as evidenced by that high A1c.

Taking it slow and steady with the hopes of keeping healthy and happy.  Hope you are, too!

November update

He was here for a week this month.  First time since January.  Things actually went just fine between the 2 of us so perhaps caring for his father and being gone for over 2 years has been good.  He has to come back to get labs and see his doc in order to continue to get his prescriptions.

A1C was at 10.2.  Not good at all.  But looking back at the grid I used to keep, he has been at 8 and 9 most of the time since Feb 2010, which is when he had his heart attack.

His cataracts are growing, but they prescribed new contacts.  He had cornea transplants 30 years ago and they don't want to do cataract surgery until they have to.

He went on Medicare with his disability.  Thought he was part of the "donut" where he would have to pay very high Rx for the last 3 months of the year.  However, he's on my HMO which protects him from that donut and he won't be paying $2500 per month for his insulin (Humulin RU 500 concentrated) - not on anyone's formulary.  So he needs to stay "married" to me.  I suggested that he needs to "keep me happy".  LOL!

I spent the summer gardening and decided to lose some weight.  Down 32 pounds and still working on it.  Walking at least 18 miles a week.  Feels great!  I am learning how to not eat for comfort.  I have given up all soda and sweets, red meat and most flour.  Throwing myself into raising flowers was so therapeutic this summer - I loved it!  Already making plans and lists for my gardens next summer.  And some major projects this year.  I put in 1500 pounds of flagstone making a patio and path.  And I hung new "used" kitchen cabinets in the garage along with putting up slat wall to give me more storage.  I also put in all new closet systems in 4 closets in the house and added 2 in the garage.  Wow!  I think I did some work this year!

I walk with one sister every day and see the other sister 3-4 times a week.  I've been making jewelry and just recently returned to leather crafting.  It's been a really great year and I'm looking forward to the next few months.  I'm getting close to my weight loss goal, getting healthier both physically and mentally.  Enjoying my reprieve from caregiving.  Been a great year!

Summer's over!

And I'm just getting back to this blog.  I received this comment:

Your blog has helped more than anything else I have read. Just knowing that this can go on for years and years gives me the courage to know that I MUST protect my own life. I still can't help wondering about the future and how I will make it, but at least I won't let it take me down with him. Thank you! I am very curious if after their spouse's passing, anyone out there who has gone through the long years of decline has been successful in forgetting those horrible things and remembering just the wonderful spouse they used to have before Diabetes changed them. Or do the long years of horrible weird dying things just stay in your memory of that person as the main part?


I think it must be like childbirth.  36 years later...I barely remember what happened.  I don't remember the pain even though I know I had 23 hours of it!  Hubby has been with his dad for almost 2 years now and I know I'm glazing over the diabetes issues (until I sit and read what I've written about it!)  I no longer have to deal with it so I just don't think about it.

That being said.  Hubby still calls every day.  He is coming for a couple of weeks in October.  He hasn't been here since January and needs to visit all his doctors to get his meds refilled.  His dad, another non-compliant diabetic, had a sugar crash not too long ago.  Hubby called me in a panic saying he thought his dad was going to die.  The hospice nurse came and informed him it was a sugar crash.  

So think about it....a diabetic really would not know how to recognize the symptoms of a sugar crash because they do not see what happens to them when they are having one.  Interesting, huh?

I waited a couple of days to make sure his dad was ok and then asked hubby if he remembered the sheer panic he had been in.  He did.  So then I asked him if he realized that is exactly what I feel every time he went low.  He said no.  So I think this is a good experience for him as he is getting to feel everything I have been through for the 5 years before he left.  He might understand a little better what others have to deal with when he crashes.  I think he's also getting a good feel for what it's like to care for someone with diabetes.

He still says that he's moving back here when his father passes away.  I still say, "we'll see."  His dad is just now 80 and while he does have hospice care, he could live for a couple more years.  Or he could go tonight.  

In the meantime, I've had a wonderful summer of gardening, growing luscious flowers, creating paths, making hidden gardens.   Have decided it's good to be outside as much as you can!  Went for my physical and my doc said I need to lose weight so I'm down 22 pounds and it feels wonderful.  Going to work on firming up my muscles next but I've been walking 3 miles 4 times a week and loving it.  Have a sister that walks with me so that makes it more enjoyable.   

Think it's going to be a great September!!!

DW

From Wife of a Diabetic 2

Here's a note from Tom's Wife:

Hi DW, I had a major computer problem and in the recovery process, I lost access to my blog. Google tells me it is not recoverable -- no one can access it at all any more! :( So I am requesting that you post this the next time you are on line (its a good thing that's not very often anymore because your life has changed for the better!) I don't know if I am going to create a new blog now. Tom's health is good, mine is getting better and the blog is not as important to me as it once was. (I am guessing the same for you) Do you find it interesting that there are more options for people today than when you started? I am ever grateful for your blog. it helped me understand that I was not alone. I wish you all the best and will check in with you from time to time in the future if you even look at this. Take care, Tom's Wife


Dear Tom's Wife,

Have you checked your blog today because I can see it and read it just fine.  I think sometimes Google has a "glitch" and in a few days things get back to normal - if google has a "normal".  LOL!!!

My life has changed for the better.  I am having a busy summer gardening.  The flowers are gorgeous and digging in dirt if very therapeutic.   The rain comes and the weeds grow even faster.  I have figured out "tune radio" and carry music in my pocket all day long.      Hubby is still living with his father.  I am no longer sure who is taking care of who in that situation. 

 In September, hubby will have been on disability for 2 years and he will go on Medicare.  He called the other day asking if his Social Security was going to end in September.  He was very concerned.  And confused.  I simply couldn't comprehend why he was asking me this question and then I realized that he must be in a sugar low.  It's pretty hard to recognize them via phone.

He spends most of his days lying in bed watching TV.  He does take his father to his medical appointments and they continue to try to port his dad for dialysis - which his father is refusing.  He is sort of the opposite kind of diabetic, very tiny man, all skin and bones.  I am simply grateful that I am not there having to live with 2 generations of diabetes.

I agree, there are many more options these days.  There are many more resources.  There are numerous support groups.  However, some of the same antiquated thoughts still exist.....that the healthy spouse should take care of the non-compliant spouse to the extent that we "manage" their disease.  The "guilt" that a non-compliant diabetic tries to impose on their spouse.  The "denial" people have about calling this a "disease".....the list is endless.  Some things never change.  

Yet no matter how much "support" one can receive, I still believe writing your personal story, sharing your personal experience, putting your thoughts down into words....that's what heals a healthy spouse.  :o)



DW

Time flies

Hard to believe that nearly 3 months have passed and I haven't blogged.  Life is very good.  I am busy with my gardening.  Busy with my sisters.  Hubby says he wants to come for a visit in August or October...he's still a thousand miles away staying with his dad.  Hard to believe he's been on disability for 2 years and now we start the process of getting him on a Medicare plan that will pay for his humulin r u 500 concentrated.  About $431 per month for the cheapest plan in his state.  I'd like to get him something there so he can get labs done locally.   Lots of research to do next week.

Sort of my life at the moment...if it's not digging in the dirt...it can wait til next week!!!

Another visit - went well

Hubby was here for about 10 days.  Everything went well.  He visited his docs, got his prescriptions renewed, had his labs done.  And he still has not "allowed" me to know the results.  I just find that pretty suspicious!!!  But I have decided this is part of letting go.  There is no reason for me to know what his labs are.  As long as he is not living here in the same house with me.  We were very "polite" to each other during his visit.  I was gone for 4 days to an art retreat so we really didn't have much time together.

I often wonder what will happen when his dad dies.  Does he think he can just move back in with me after this long of a separation?  In my mind, the only reason we are not divorced is because he needs my health insurance.  And while he will qualify for Medicare at the end of this year, I have been researching and it does not appear that his Humulin RU500 is on any Medicare formulary, so he will need to stay with my insurance. 

There is some conflict in my mind knowing that I cover him for his health insurance and he will not let me know what his labs are.  That will change if he wants to return here. 

I suppose lots of things will change.  But I cannot worry about it until then.  :o)  In the meantime, I'm getting ready to take an overseas vacation with my youngest sister, I've started working 1-2 days per week in a local craft store, I'm having fun designing pieces of art and in another month or so, I can start gardening for this year.  Well, I suppose we should wait until the middle of May the way the weather has been going in most parts of this country.  :o)

My health remains good.  My 2 sisters both quit their jobs last week, so that gives us more time to share together.  I'm happy.  Life is good.  :o)

DW

in answer to my question

Deb wrote:

t's me again. Ironically I am a health care professional in dialysis and very familiar with ESRD. Because of this I also know too well the outcome of many noncompliant diabetics.

Diagnosis of ESRD is only conclusive through examination of a person's blood work, of course. Some physical symptoms include fatigue, muscle aches and cramping, dry and itchy skin, and lessening of urine output. Many ESRD patients still make urine. The blood work tells most conclusively whether the kidneys are efficient in removing toxins from the body. Most diabetics, especially uncontrolled ones, should also be under the care of a nephrologist in order to monitor the level of kidney function. Once it goes below a certain level, hemodialysis is indicated.

The majority of hemodialysis patients are such due to uncontrolled diabetes. You would not be surprised to learn that even that does not ''wake up'' most of them to become compliant.

''Uremia'' also manifests in mood disturbances, mental confusion, depression, and even hallucinations if severe enough.

my reply:

Hubby has been diagnosed by his physicians as Stage 4 ESRD.  He is under the care of a nephrologist.  He has said when the time comes, he will refuse dialysis.  He's had 8 treatments (when he had his spinal fusion surgery and his kidneys completely shut down) and he says he won't go through that again.  He's the 1 in a million who actually felt the blood going through his veins and had severe exhaustion after each process.   

I have researched uremia and know what he will go through when he is there.  It's between stage 4 and then that I'm wondering about.  

He does seem to have a lot of memory problems.  I'm not sure it's mental confusion, or just loss of memory.  He's been in depression for at least 3 years.  And I think I need a better description of mood disturbances.  I could joke that his mood is always disturbed.  :o)  As for mood swings - yep - he can be a sweetie one moment and a horror 10 minutes later.  

He is coming home for about 10 days next week to make another round of doctor's visits because they are refusing to renew his prescriptions without a visit.  His last labs were 9/13 and were:
A1c 9.1
Triglycerides 1441
gfr 36.1

It will be interesting to see what they are this time.  As it turns out, I will be gone to an art retreat most of the time that he is here.  

Thanks, Deb, for replying.  I was sort of hoping that a spouse who has lived through the end times could share their experiences with us.  And while I'm sure each story is different, it seems to be something that no one writes about.

DW

I know....I know....

it's new year's eve and here I am writing another post on this blog.  Yes, I live a boring life!  LOL!!!

First - I need your help.  Does anyone out there have experience  with ESRD?  What are the signs of the final end stages?  I have read about it, I'm just looking for personal experience - not textbook information.

Hubby is still gone - still taking care of his dad. He has been gone 1 year, 3 months and 2 weeks.   This week he got sick.  He has not been able to keep anything down in the last 3 days.  Everything he eats and drinks comes back up.  No, he will not go to a doctor.  I know that it could just be the flu, but he has had so many episodes like this that I wonder if his digestive system is shutting down.  Neuropathy of the stomach?  intestines?

He said this evening that he is feeling a little better.  Well, I think that he hasn't had anything going in for 3 days so he should be at the point where there is nothing left inside to come back up.  He said that his ribs hurt and I reminded him that a couple of years ago, he broke his ribs coughing.  

Second, I'm sharing a comment from a reader:

I've followed your blog for awhile now and I wanted to let you know that you have helped me cope in my own struggle to try to co-exist with a non-compliant diabetic. After 26 years of watching the downward spiral of my loved one I can truly say that I have been able finally to detach and try to recover my own life lest I lose it due to stress and worry. She continues to eat whatever and however she wants, refuses to take her meds properly or at all, won't go to the doctor, won't exercise, etc. I know the worst case course of this disease and she is on it and knows it and refuses to change. I am done and your example has given me the strength and courage to step away and save my own life. Thank you for your sharing and courage. God bless

I have to say that this past week has been an interesting for me.  Probably my usual end-of-year review.  I'm an artist.  And I have always admired Laurel Burch.  However, I had absolutely no idea that she had passed away.  At the end of 2007!!!  And when I did the math....that is about the time that hubby started getting ill, having complications from his diabetes....about the time that I sort of took a hiatus from my art and started caring for him almost full time.  It was quite a shock to realize that the last 6 years of my life have literally been on hold.  I wonder if I should have said I was done before I ever started???

I continue to get back some of the person that I used to be.  I now know that while I feel so sorry for him, he is not here, he is 1000 miles away, and it is not my job to worry about him, or help him out.  I can (and am) a good listener.  He can call me anytime and I will listen and then try to remind him of things he has forgotten.  We do have a history together.  We still talk 2-3 times a day.

My youngest sister and I are planning a vacation together.  We are going overseas and it will be our 3rd trip to this destination.  In the past, I have planned everything about every trip and this time, I turned it all over to her.  I told her that I am just not who I was.  Not yet.  And she said she understands.  Part of it is due to mom's death.  I am coming out of that grief.  But I am also coming out of the grief that this marriage is over.  Yet at the same time I know I am so much better than I was a year ago.  I'm in a much, much better place.  I have found my art again.  I am being creative again.  I am discovering things such as the death of someone that I completely admired.  I am taking care of myself.  my body AND my spirit.

Which brings me to tomorrow.  Someone sent me a great quote.  Tomorrow is the first page of a blank book....write an amazing story!  I feel so refreshed and energized.  I want to write an incredible story in 2014.  I want to have an incredible year.  I pray that my grieving is over.  I know that we all have to go through it.  I know the steps well.  I am looking at midnight as a door.  And while I cannot shut the door to the past completely (not sure I would really want to do that),   I am opening the door to 2014 wide.  I EXPECT it to be a great year!!!  I am praying that God will bless me and make me a blessing to others.  I pray for anyone who is living with a non-compliant diabetic.  That God will bless you and lift you up and give you the strength where I failed.  And my failures have been huge.  

I pray that I can continue to share the knowledge I have of living with a diabetic....even having a long distance non-relationship with one, and that my life might help you a little.  I thought when he told me that he was staying to take care of his dad, that my life with a diabetic had stopped.  But not really!  The stress is less.  My life is much better.  The diabetic spouse is in the background now.  Backgrounds by nature of the term are always there - they never completely totally go away!

May each of you have a wonderful 2014!

DW

another month

I truly cannot believe how fast time goes any more.  I keep busy with my family here.  Hubby calls 2 - 3 times every day.  His dad seems to be doing well.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet.  Gaining strength every day.  Have finally started a little bit of exercise which I know that I need.

With all the changes in health care plans, I decided to go from high option to standard option.  It means my deductibles and co-pays will be higher, but the monthly premiums will be lower.  I simply do not have the income to pay for the "best" insurance any more.  And I carry hubby on my insurance so it will be interesting to see what the changes will do to him.  I hope that his insulin will still be covered.  Only time will tell.

In all honesty, I do not think about his diabetes very much at all.  It's not the daily/hourly issue that it is when you are living with a diabetic.  I don't worry about the little things or the big things any more.  I just do my best to make it through one day at a time.  And for the moment, I'm OK.  :o)

DW

Traveling

I was invited to travel to teach an art class not too far from hubby, so I came to see him.  His dad went into the hospital 2 nights ago for emergency surgery.  The pain meds caused delusions.  Last night, he saw a dog sitting on his lap.  Sort of funny.

Asked hubby how he was doing health wise.  He said he was fine.  But I couldn't help notice the odd shaped depends in his bathroom.  I'm sure they are made for men to catch urine at night.

Also saw that he has not dusted since I cleaned when I was here in January.  Dust so thick you can write in it.  Bathroom mirror covered with toothpaste spits.  Bathtub covered in dust.

Is he doing this just to see how long I will let it go before I clean?  Has he turned into his mom and simply not ever going to clean again?  I think it is so sad.  However, it is not my life and I am not his maid.  I'm not touching a thing.

He is being terribly sweet.  I am keeping my mouth shut.  It really is sad.  I no longer know this man. But then, we have been separated for 14 months, so why would I know him?

He looks puffy to me.  His clothes are skin tight.  I'm not planning to stay long.  It's so difficult keeping my mouth shut.  It breaks my heart to see him like this.  But I cannot fix him.  I cannot change him.  And I'm not going to be his maid.

Untimely death

A good friend of mine, age 49, passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.  Her husband died of a heart attack 2 years ago. Her son asked me to help with her estate.  She had owned her own business.  I'm not sure I can describe the house I walked into.  She did not have a will.  She had not sorted, organized, catalogued, labeled....anything!  It took 5 people working 10-12 hours per day for 5 days to even make a dent in her home.

It got me to thinking.  I downsized last year from 3700 SF to 1100 SF, but I sure need to downsize again!  Why is it we like so much stuff?  Why is it hard to part with what we have?

This week, I'm taking a few days to clean and sort, organize and perhaps get rid of stuff.  I know we all have things we never use.  Time to let go of them.

On the other hand, the moment I let go of something....I will want it or need it.  :o)

Then just as a humorous side....is this like holding onto a diabetic spouse?

Sorry, I couldn't resist!  LOLOL!!!

DW - finding humor in her everyday life

New labs

A1c is 9.1
Triglycerides are 1441
Kidney function is 36.1

Most of the other labs are all bad.

Protien in urine is off the charts at 525

He says he is not having any chest pains.

They started him on a new med this week for his sciatica.  It's a drug designed to control seizures, but they think it will help pain.  I have a son who has had seizures all his life.  All of those meds dull the senses,  increase reaction times, cause memory loss.  This one also increases depression and suicidal thoughts.  This is not what he needs!

But you can also tell just by watching him walk he has to be in severe pain.  His back is even more curved than before his surgery.

I have been wondering if the thing keeping him alive is caring for his dad.  If he were to come back here, would he live long.  I think it's good that he moved away to care for his dad and I think it's good he's going back.  We have come to an understanding and the past few days have been ok.  I do not envy him any of his medical conditions, but these new labs just are not painting a good picture.

I'm in hell and don't know which way out!

Yes, it really is that bad.  I flew to meet him last Saturday and on the drive from the airport to the hotel, he started in arguing with me.  Manipulating me.  He wanted me to sit in the hotel room and babysit the dogs while he, his dad and brother went to a football game.  I had already told him I was not going to do that.  But he managed to get his dad and brother in on the act and I stayed.  I was so pissed off.  Still am.  But it has been like that almost non-stop since Saturday about one thing or another.

He has played the "I forgot" card, the "that's not what I heard" card, the "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that" card....you name it, he's played it.  This morning was a major blow out.  We drove home yesterday. He ate at 6:30 am and 11:30 am, then refused to eat after that.  Of course he crashed!  The apologized this morning.

Absolutely nothing has changed.  I was so pleased with all the changes I've made in the house and he merely felt threatened by them.  He wants everything back the way it is, but he's going back to his dad's, not staying here.

I'm exhausted already and can't wait for him to leave, but he's here for a whole week.  Sad, huh?

DW

Upcoming visits

I used to own and antique business in another state and when I moved here, I moved a gorgeous antique glass showcase.  It's about 6' tall and 3 1/2' square with all glass sides and glass shelves.  Then we moved it to my mother-in-laws so she could store her dolls in it.

Now, my sisters and I have signed up for a space in an antique mall and I need it back here!  So I'm flying out in a week to help hubby load it into the truck and bring it home.  I need to be there to make sure it gets packed well so it doesn't break....and to help him make the drive home.

He'll be here about 10 days.  He said there is more of his stuff that he wants to pack and take back.  In all honesty, there isn't too much of his left here!  But he's been gone a year, and I'm sure if I were in his shoes, I'd want all my stuff with me and not here.

I think it will be interesting to see how we get along while we are together.  His doctor finally decided to stop his prescriptions, so he has an office visit scheduled for when he is here and he will get all of his labs done.  It will be interesting to see if the labs have changed much in the past year.  He is living at a lower altitude, so I would think they might be better.  He hasn't been here since April and then he said he definitely noticed the altitude.  Will be interesting to see if it's worse for him on this trip.

A year ago, neither of our moms had died yet and I promise that none of us had a clue our lives were going to change so drastically.  Life sure is interesting!

DW

Time flies.....worse than ever!!!

My monthly update.  We had a flood here and it washed out all my lovely flower gardens!  Needless to say, I have been busy recreating them!!!  Life is still great.  Hubby is coming home for a week the end of next month.  Nothing has changed - I can tell.  I asked if he had made appointments with his doctors.  He has not see a doctor, nor had any lab work done since June 2012.  You know it's going to be bad news.  And no, he hasn't made any appointments.  We are with a huge HMO and he absolutely has to make the appointments this week, or he won't get in.  Is it my problem?  Nope.  But it just irks me to no end that he doesn't care enough to even get labwork done.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!

Well...nothing has changed with him.  I think everything has changed or is changing with me!  I had the funniest experience that I want to share.  I used to work in this town 35 years ago and I had lunch with some of the gals I used to work with.  Over time, my name has gotten shorter.  Example:  Margaret, Margie, Marge.  (not my name, but you get the point!)  This gal knew me with my earlies name and a different surname and had read about me in an art newsletter with my shortened name and current surname and had no idea that I was the same person!!!  So I've decided to go back to using the name that I used when I lived here before.

Then I went to a garage sale one day and I just knew that I knew the woman hosting it.  But I couldn't make the connection.  3 weeks later I was going through old photos and realized she had been my son's babysitter 30 years ago.  I took the photos and knocked on her door and we just had a great reunion!!!

I have the time - and the energy - to renew old friendships.  That's been wonderful!!!

There have been some comments in the last month and I'd like to share them.  Day by Day wrote this:

I feel like I've found my family~ I try to convince my husband's family that he's Really bad off and not taking care of himself, and some of their responses hurt almost as much as this daily hell of watching him die!This group has given me quite a feeling of peace today- thank you SO much. My husband of 13 yrs. is non-compliant type 2 diabetic. At this stage he's sleeping more hours of the day than awake, his feet are so bad he can barely walk. He's given up and won't accept any help now. I've left him twice already, once to shock him out of it, once to save my sanity. Now I can only share some part of myself with people who know exactly what I'm talking about. I am encouraged by the post's that emphasize to take care of ourselves and make whatever future plans we need to, it really gives me some hope that I'll get through this somewhat intact.?? I hope - need this so much right now.

I really thought I was the only one going through this torture of watching someone you love...slowly go away. And I've left him twice- once to 'shock' him out of it, the second time to save my sanity. I'm back again and watching him die because he gave up. I would like to write more details, if it would help anyone else. I wanted to respond to 'waiting to live's comments, I relate so much to her thoughts. I feel like I can take a bigger breath now at least, knowing I'm in a bigger group that I never knew existed.
_______________

Well, you are definitely NOT alone!!!  While I've had a year off, I still go through the emotions every day.  I doubt it ever ends, even after the spouse dies.  I know that my hubby is lying in bed all day long at his dad's, watching TV.  I know he is not eating right at all.  But he's there and I'm here and I'm doing so much better at taking care of me.  And because of that, I'm feeling better than I have in the last 4 years!!!

_______________

Deb wrote:


've read your blog for quite a while now. I live with a diabetic partner too, so that's how I started reading it. Just wanted to say that I am very happy that you have found peace and a life for yourself!

Thanks Deb!!!

Jane wrote:

So glad to hear your update. Have thought of you often. You do not know me---but I am behind you on many levels for many reasons.


Well, Jane, I do not know you, but I'm sure our lives are on similar paths if you read this blog.  And because of that, I may know you better than those who know you!  LOL!!!  I guess what I'm saying is that wives of non-compliant diabetics are all sisters on some level.  And these blogs do help.  


Here's to all of us - may we have a great month!

DW

Another month gone by

I will try to post once a month just so I can remember what's going on.  Hubby is still living at his dads. He has now been gone 10 months.  I'm adapting nicely to being "single".  He still calls 2-3 times every day, but says he is not coming back here.  Week before last, he had to put our 13 yr old chihuahua to sleep.  That was very sad.  But it is so much better than having the pup suffer in pain.

I bought a new dining table and chairs.  I have always hated the one we had.  He bought it when he was still married to his ex.  I have not told him.  I put the old one in the garage.  I'm still busy in the garden and see absolutely no end in sight to that!  Taking up way too much of my time, but I love it.  Life seems to be flying by.  I rarely even think about diabetes.  I have much less stress, much less worrying.

He calls and says he is depressed, sad, tired.  I wonder why he calls to tell me things like that.  Does he want me to cheer him up?  It is not my job.  Does he want me to feel sorry for him?  It is not my job.  Does he think I can fix things for him?  It is not my job.  But I do wonder why he keeps calling so much.  Am I a "connection" to something he wants to hold on to?  Does he honestly think we can live apart for a year and then pick up where we left off should his father die?  What if his dad lives another 10 years?  No - I would not allow this to go on that long, but how long?

Family and friends are starting to ask me why we are still married.  I tell them I will not ask that question until it has been a year, then I will start asking.  But the questions are starting.  Do I want him to come home?  Could I live with him again?  Could we make a "home" together after so much time apart?  Am I refusing to move forward because this is "easy"? and the unknown future is frightening?  Am I just too comfortable with the current arrangement?  All questions I will face sometime, but not at this time.

For now, I'm continuing my own personal grief over mom's death. I'm growing as a person.  I'm healing after 4 intense years of caring for a diabetic roller coaster ride from near death to life.  And I think as long as I'm healing, I'm in a good place.

DW

Living a full life

at the moment.....

:o)

Who knew that I would love gardening?  It has come as a complete surprise to me!  Up and outside most morning by 6 am and working until 10 or when it gets hot.  I've built a 4x12 deck, framed in a porch over it in front of a shed that I'm converting to a play house....for me!  LOL!!!

Put in a timed sprinkler system.  Put in a terraced stone wall flower garden, 3 layers deep.  Learning that I can do just about anything I want to do.  Took an old youth bed, cut the sideboards and turned it into a bench for the new deck.  Dug up a pond, moved it, making flower beds and paths everywhere I can.  And to my amazement, things are surviving and growing.  :o)

Spending parts of most days with one of my sisters, crafting, visiting old friends, doing things I want.  It is nice.

Hubby still calls 2-3 times a day.  He has settled into a routine of taking care of his dad, shopping for groceries and other things, taking his dad to the doctor, taking the dogs to the vet.  He seems resolved to stay put and I'm still enjoying the absence of diabetes in my daily life.  He did have another optical migraine over the weekend.  That day he called me numerous times.  I know he gets scared when he can't see.  But he took his meds, took a long nap and it did eventually go away.  Other than that, things seem to be just fine.

As I meet new friends here, or hook up with old friends, and tell them our history, it makes me wonder how I've gotten through the past few years.  And then I remember - one day at a time.  I think it's sort of like gardening.  You just do a little bit every day, a couple of hours ever morning, and in 6 weeks you realize what great progress you've made!  So for those dealing with a non-compliant diabetic spouse, just take it one day at a time.  :o)

Just how noncompliant can you get?

It has now been a year since hubby has seen any kind of a doctor or had any labs done.

How long will they allow him to refill his prescriptions?

He is self medicating.  His humulin ru500 is now 50 units in the morning and another 50 units at night.  Remember, it is 5 x the normal insulin dosage.

How much is too much?

He has been gone 9 1/2 months.

I fill my days with gardening, crafts and family.

My nights are awfully lonely.

My denial of what I know he is doing to himself grows daily.

Denial is what keeps me surviving.

Time heals all

Hubby is much better.  His dad is getting better.  Still in the hospital, but making baby steps every day.  He's been in for 4 1/2 weeks now with no sign of getting discharged.

He is scared

Hubby called.  He is scared.  He has had almost non-stop diarrhea for the last week.  He can't eat a thing.  I told him to go to a doctor.  He said he won't go.  He's a thousand miles away.  His dad is still in ICU, battling kidney failure right now.  His brother went home.

History:
2009 Heart attack
2010 Bypass surgery
2011 Spinal fusion surgery
2012 Let go from work/moved/mother died
2013....

only 4 years since his heart attack.  only 3 years since his bypass surgery.  he should be good for at least 2 more years.

2 years since the spinal fusion surgery.  I honestly think that they re-routed his intestines as he has simply not had a correct digestive system since then.

Or is it the long-term diabetes simply catching up with his intestines?

Is he at "uncontrolled diarrhea" listed here?

Does he have diabetic neuropathy?

He is either going to get sick enough that he will want to see a doctor, or continue to suffer until he winds up in ER.  I feel so bad for him.  But I really can't help him.

He's back!!

I must really be a terrible person.  I am so not enjoying his company.  He is passing the worst gas ever.  We were in the car for an hour today and I thought I was goimg to vomit.  That's how rank it was.  I know he can't help it, but I can't stand that rank sweet smell that tells me his sugar is out of kilter.  Have you ever smelled what I'm talking about?

He has the volume on the TV so loud the floor vibrates.  Has he gotten that deaf?

H started out driving today and in 5 minutes he had to pull over.  He took a prescription pain pill last night and it made him start to get ill.  I was happy to drive, but I wonder why he even wanted to head out.

He bangs every single door whether it is the kitchen cabinets, the bedroom door or the front door.  I don't know why or when that started.  I think I am just over sensitive to everything right now.  But sad as it sounds, I am not enjoying his company.  Nothing has changed.  It's like I stepped back in time to 7 months ago.  All I can say is that I was blessed to have such a long break.  I am really, truly sorry that I feel this way.  I don't think he has a clue.  He is just like a bull in a china store...plodding his way through life completely obvious to how fragile things around him are!!!

has it been a month?

since I last posted???  WOW!  How time flies.  Hubby is still living a thousand miles away helping out with his dad.  Dad had a colonoscopy last Friday and is in surgery at this moment having 1/3 of his colon removed.  It's cancer.  Age 81.  They will send samples to the lab to see if it has spread to his liver and we will know in a couple of weeks.

Hubby seems to be holding up well.  His brother is there right now.  If all goes well, he will be here the end of the week for 10 days, then back to his dad's so his brother can go home.  I have packed up more of his stuff that he wants to take back with him.  Looks like this separation is for the long haul.

He was supposed to line up doctor's appointments and that didn't happen.  It has been a year since he last saw any of his doctors.  He continues to tell me that he will not go back.  I cannot worry about that.  What I do know is that his A1c is down because he has increased his Humulin Ru500 (5x concentrated) to 40 U am and 40U pm.  I know that is way, way, way high.  I cannot worry about that.

When we video skype, he looks different.  It will be good to see him in person.  I have not seen him since 1/22.  I can tell a lot just by looking at him.

I am keeping busy with gardening.  I'm also in the process of encapsulating the crawl space on my own.  That is a huge undertaking - hauling out chunks of concrete and other items one bucket at a time. I figure someone will find me dead under the house one of these days!  LOL!!!  My son has been coming here on the weekends and helping me dig up sod to put in new flower beds.  Time is flying.  Literally.  It has now been 7 months since hubby moved in with his dad.

I'm doing just fine.  :o)

DW

FIL is out of the hospital

Sometimes things are too funny to believe.  Hubby's dad woke up early Sat am and somehow had his partial plate tangled around his tongue.  The nurses couldn't get it out!  I think it scared them so they decided to discharge him.  Then he got his contact lens stuck in an eye and they had to suction it out.  

There are reasons why one should wear eye glasses and take their teeth out at night when you reach a certain age!  :o)

And a family of at least 7 skunks has come to life under the house, so the exterminators have been called and 4 have been trapped and relocated.  The remaining 3 (at least that many) had a squabble last night and I guess the smell is horrible.  I am glad I'm not there!

Can I tell you how much I am enjoying the reprieve from medical stuff?  From diabetes?  From highs and lows???  OK - also from channel surfing, grocery shopping, cleaning......from the roller coaster?

Some days I just sit here in my solitude.  Other days I am beyond hectic.  My youngest sister popped in for a visit today while I was out back cleaning out the shed and working in the garage.  Tomorrow another sister is coming to cut my hair.  Next weekend I will spend with a friend a hundred miles away while we get creative with our art.  I'm starting dance lessons with my youngest sister this week.  She's been going for  a few weeks and I decided to join.  

So....I sing on Mondays, dance on Tuesdays, do Bible study on Wednesdays, teach art on Thursdays....and try to keep my weekends free!!!  I know that things always change and this may not last, but I am truly enjoying life at the moment!  And I think it's finding it's own balance!

Hope the same goes for each of you!

DW

Even Steven

Where did that phrase come from?  LOL!!!  I think it's how to describe my life right now.  Good days and bad days...even numbers so things are in balance.

Hubby's dad is in the hospital and while I don't think it's too serious, he will be in at least 5 days and hubby is stressed to the max.  I'm noticing it.  Hubby doesn't remember that he told me something or that I told him something.  He is getting facts confused and his dates are out of whack.  He's done this in the past when he has high stress.  I have to handle the situation carefully.  "Yes, I know.  Don't you remember I told you your daughter called and told me that?"  And then he will say that he remembers. Or he will argue for an hour that I never told him his daughter called.  Some of it is comical.  Most of it just annoys me....like he should get a notebook and write it down.  LOL!!

I am continuing my cleaning spree!!  And that is keeping me busy!!   After I took down the cabinets in the garage I came across boxes of hubby's stuff he never unpacked.  So I decided to gut his bedroom.  Took down all the board type shelves and put in 2 huge glass front bookcases.  All his books, nick knacks and such are now behind closed doors....way less dust.  I bought him a new desk.  Will be his surprise when he comes home.  Of course the hutch was 2" too short for his monitor.  My incredible brother-in-law built a riser and it looks like its part of the hutch.  All the computer components fit nicely inside the desk and no more huge clumps of cables to stare at!  All the boxes are unpacked and everything has been put away.

So next week I will get back to working on the garage.  I'm also teaching art again.  2 classes this month.  And taking some classes.  It's all good!

Balance.  Even Steven.  Things are working out.  Evolving.  Just thought I'd let you know!

.

Sometimes I do wonder

How much a person can go through.  To Tom's wife, I truly understand.

I used to think in terms of "years".

2/2009 hubby had a heart attack in Mexico
3/2010 hubby had a triple bypass
2/2011 hubby had spinal fusion surgery and nearly died

Then things started speeding up...

3/2012 hubby was laid off
5/2012 we downsized by 2000 sf and moved 125 miles away, giving up our friends and lifestyle
7/2012 mom got really ill, started on hospice, required 24/7 care

Then weekly

9/14/2012 hubby's mom died
9/21/2012 my mom died
9/22/2012 I find out about hubby's credit card debt
9/30/2012 hubby approved for disability, files for bankruptcy

12/12/2012 we file for legal separation

A month cleaning out 2 houses
My 14 year old chihuahua has a heart attack and we are told he has 6 months to live

There have been so many many moments when I have not been able to breathe.  Panic.  Fear.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Sometimes it is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I simply can't think.  Some days I pretend its not me just so I can get thru the day.

Hubby continues to do well.  Thank goodness!  We continue to get along just fine.  Maybe we are meant to have a long distance relationship.  He has his moments when he wants to get in the truck and just drive home.  But he can't leave his dad.  I have moments when I want to hop on a plane, but I have responsibilities here.

Today was not a good day for me.  I ripped out all the old junk cabinets that were in the garage when we bought this house.  Symbolic?  Cleaning out the crap in my life?  Who knew that I could take out cabinets???  Last week I completely rearranged all the furniture inside the house.  Excess energy?  Working through all my grief?  Maybe I should just take up running!  LOL!!

Life does go on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am slowly getting back into a pattern, a routine.  A new pattern.  Not the same as it was before, but scheduling trips to the big city, dentist and doctors visits, taking a few classes....getting back into life.

There are still moments when I miss mom so much I have a good cry.  Still times when it hurts to breathe.  Still days when I don't get out of bed.  But they are fewer and far between.  Slowly, life is getting back to life.

How much more can I take?  I'd rather not even think about it!!!

Life is too funny - in retrospect!!

I didn't leave!  Well, I tried.  Got 10 miles east and my car died.  Literally.  Guess it should...it's 11 years old.  No one here wants to fix it.  The dealership wants $4000 to fix it and I can't see putting that much into a car that old.

So we bought a new car today.  A small compact that gets excellent gas mileage.  I'm delighted.  I will stay til Sunday as hubby's birthday is Saturday.  Had to cancel all my plans at home.  Hopefully my brother-in-law can help hubby fix my old car when he comes to visit...he's a pretty good mechanic.

Needless to say, I just went right back to cleaning.  It's a never ending thing with this place.  Tackled a very old chandelier with at least 50 glass prisms and it came out gorgeous!!

FIL continues to make progress.  He's more alert, participating more and more in conversations.  Went to the dealership with us today.  Doing much better at taking his medications on time.  Hubby seems to be doing better as well.  He is laughing and teasing more.  I've seen more of the old hubby in the last month than I have in the last 4 years.  Maybe this is a good place for him to be.

So even though I've had a setback in getting home, it's been a good week.

DW

My last day here

Tomorrow is my last day and then I'm heading home.  Very mixed emotions for both of us.  We know he has to stay.  We're pissed off that his brother isn't willing to help out.  I'm peaceful about being separated.  Exhausted at all the cleaning, sorting I've done.  Pleased that the guys will be living in a clean place.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  Hubby has been doing very well for the most part with is diabetes.  He has to remind his dad twice a day to take his shot and he takes his first so he can tell his dad he already took his.  Maybe he needs someone to take care of?   Maybe having someone else with diabetes helps him?

Overall, it's been a good month and we have gotten along better than we have in the past 4 years.  Isn't that an eye opener?  I will fly back in a couple of months and hold a huge estate sale.  I have a 2 1/2 car garage full to the brim with stuff.  And I've found a few treasures to take home....mostly genealogy files and photographs to scan in.

I am looking forward to getting some good rest.  To having some alone time.  To seeing my sisters.  I have not had a moment to work on any of my art projects that I brought with me, so I'm looking forward to that as well.

Been a pretty good month.

DW

Losing vision with lows

We were going into a small cafe at lunch today and hubby was having a low.  He couldn't see.  Scared me to death!!

Walked right up to the counter and told the first gal I saw that he was having a low, did they have OJ.   She brought him a tall glass so fast.....  And he was just fine.  But she was more upset than anyone.  Came over several times to check on him and said she knew she could find a candy bar if he needed one.  I just thought that was so cute!

Came home and he slept most of the afternoon.  Seemed to be just fine this evening.  I reminded him that hie as to take care of his himself so he can take care of his dad.  He promised to put glucose tabs in the truck.

I'm making great progress here and have a week left to go which will be so hard as there is still so much to do.  Happy with what is getting done!

DW

Scott wrote:

Wow - just found this blog - seems like i'm in the same boat as everyone else -- except that it's my wife of 17 years with uncontrolled type 2. i like your mantras - can relate to all of them, and I say them myself, and hope one day that I'll actually believe what it is that I'm saying. She lied to me (again) last week about her numbers - came out and said she had checked her blood 3x that day and that all were in the 100s, but then i checked her meter and found she only checked once and it was 275, and that she maybe checked 1x over prior days and all results were poor. For me, it was the straw that broke this camel's back as I told her that I cant continue like this (it's gone on for years already) and that I wanted a divorce. She begging me to stay. We have a 13 year old child. It's a nightmare.... 



I haven't done the research, but I'm going to guess that diabetes is not sex specific.  I'm going to guess the way that it works to destroy blood cells, limit oxygen to the brain, damage the heart, memory....how a person reacts to highs and lows...is pretty much the same in a man or a woman.

I have often wondered why they lie about their numbers.  I always think that if he loves me, he will tell me the truth.  The reality is that he almost always lies about his numbers.  Especially when he wants to go out to eat!!!  "Oh, I was only 105 this morning, we can go out for lunch!" Yeah, right!

And I will confess that I am the world's slowest learner.  But at least I am still learning!  LOL!!!

We all have to keep our sense of humor in order to stay sane.  So, Scott, I'd like you to know that my "camel's" back has been broken so many times that it's now a sway back camel!  :o)  I always think, "this is it, I'm done" and then I remember a good time, or he promises to be good, or he begs to stay.  

So explain this one to me.  We have filed for a legal separation, but I'm at his dad's cleaning, sorting, fixing, moving dad into MIL's apartment, moving hubby into dad's MBR.  Why am I the one doing all the dirty work?  And I cannot begin to explain how filthy dirty, dust covered - grease soaked most of this house is!  I am pulling out papers, wool and silk clothing - loaded with worm eggs.  I have had moments when I want to vomit.  I bought some really thick painters gloves that come up to my elbows, a face mask and do you know what happened?  His dad was offended!!!!  I did laugh!  I suggested that he pull everything out of the drawers and when I showed him a pair of silk long johns embedded with worm eggs.....he decided I could cover up no matter how I wanted!

For us, we have to go about this slowly.  I have to act married until he realizes that we are not.  We have to live separately  - I'm going to guess for at least 2 years.  I know him.  I know myself.  We can't just divorce and be done with it.  It's not who we are.

One of my sister's best friends was married to a non-compliant diabetic.  He decided he wanted a divorce.  He got healthy.  He lost weight.  He exercised.  He no longer has diabetes.  And she took care of him all those years (nearly 40) for what?

I'm thinking life is way too short for me to be here cleaning or for you to live with a wife who can't quit denying what her numbers are (obviously that's what she's doing).  And I think a 13 year old might understand, but if it were me, I'd seek custody.  Think of the ramifications of a child left with a mom who lies.  I often think that if they give themselves permission to lie about the numbers, they will give themselves permission to lie about everything else. 

You do not have an easy road.  But know that we understand and that no matter what you decide to do we'll cheer you on!

DW

Tis the season for sugar highs!!!

I know it was Christmas.  I know it's a day of celebration.  But must they eat every piece of chocolate in the county?  LOL!!!

Hubby and I are at his dad's and things are going fairly well.  We decided not to tell anyone that we have filed for a legal separation.  I have been cleaning and sorting like an insane person.  And I do think there is some insanity with this.  My in-laws had not cleaned in forever.  I have never actually seen dust bunnies.  About and inch deep on top of her dresser.  Not just the very top, but the top, the shelves, everything sitting on it, dolls, stuffed animals, the tops of the curtains.....my asthma had a rather rough day today and I need to find a vacuum cleaner around here and sweep up as much as I can before I start in tomorrow.

It's sort of funny/sad.  There are dresser drawers that I cannot open....it's been that long since they were last opened and the wood has swollen and warped.  I opened one today and pulled out a pair of silk long johns that were filled with moth eggs.  gag me!  But I'm making progress.  Have sorted out all the dolls and gave them all to the grandkids and great grandkids via Skype.  Have sorted out all the linens, Hallmark Ornaments, and have bagged over 300 pieces of costume jewelry and will have my FIL help decide who gets what on that.  Every single closet in this house is bulging.  My MIL never tossed a thing.  So most of what is here is worthless.  It's just so old.

Both hubby and FIL have diabetes.  FIL's glucose runs from 200 to 499.  Not very good control at all  We are trying hard to remind him to take his insulin shots, eat on a schedule, take his pills (4x a day) and just keep him on some kind of regular schedule.  He is 79.  He sleeps way too much.  I'm sure much of that is the depression of losing his wife.  They had been married 59 years.  He has moments when he wants to get rid of everything that was her's, but I am pulling out little things to keep and set on shelves here and there  I told him that the Grandkids need to see their grandma's things when they come to visit and he was ok with that.

I have 3 weeks down here and find I am running from 6 am to 10 pm....and hubby is doing pretty good about helping out when I ask.  He is mostly sorting through paperwork while I go through stuff and clean.  We are moving FIL into the attached apartment that his mother used to live in.  Hubby will then move into the master bedroom in this part of the house.  Then everything else has to be sorted, gotten rid of, etc.  We figured if we got FIL into the apartment and got him to downsize to that, then it would be easier to get rid of the rest of the stuff.....and put the house/apartment up for sale.  I still think it's going to take 2 years!!!

Life is good when you keep this busy!

DW