The wound is better!

Ahhhh....the roller coaster ride - again.

The wound is better.  It appears to be healing.  While it still looks horrible, I can see it closing.  I can also tell it will be a lengthy process.

He did the extra 5 sets of xrays on his back.

The neurosurgeon is out on vacation for 2 weeks.....so we wait.

Always a rollercoaster.

2 days ago he said he wanted to go to the movies on Saturday night.  We even picked out the time/movie to go see. I remember saying, "I thought we weren't going out to the movies anymore."  He replied, "It's your birthday, I thought we'd do something nice".  (birthday is not for another week, but I was happy he wanted to go out)

I went to lunch with a pal today and when I came home, I asked what time we were going to leave to go out.

He looked at me like I was crazy and he said, "go out where?"

I said that I thought we were going to the movies

He said he never said that.

I reminded him of the movie he had said he wanted to go see and the time.

He said, "I asked you IF we went to the movies, what would we go see."

I told him that his implication was that we were going to the movies on Friday night.

He got mad and started yelling at me that he had the right to change his mind.

I simply said that he should tell me when he changes his mind so I know what ot plan for

Then he really got mad and started accusing me of changing my mind all the time and never telling him.  Of course, I change my mind....but I do tell him.  I told him it just didn't matter any more.  I went to bed and took a 2 hour nap.  No, it didn't help.  But he is absolutely exhausting.  The word games he plays, his ability to turn everything on me - make every tiny detail my fault.  If I could just get a job, I would leave him.  But no luck on the job front, that's for sure.

So I stay.  In a place I truly do not want to be.  Never planned this.  Never asked for this.  Never agreed to this.  I know he hurts.  I know he is depressed.  I know he is exhausted.  But it is 100% his problem, not mine and I am tired of being his scape goat - his excuse, I am tired of being blamed for everything wrong with his life.

Maybe I just need a 4 hour nap!  LOL!
DW

wound is worse

Tuesday, we went to the wound care center for the venous ulcer on his leg.  They presribed a treatment plan.  2 days later the ulcer is noticeably worse. He is supposed to call the doctor if it gets worse.  He did not call.

I want to throw up.

For a million reasons.

Because he refuses to do what they tell him to do.

Because of how bad the wound looks.

Because the "what-if" of it all makes me a nervous wreck.

I somehow think if I throw up, I will feel better.

Now, how stupid is that????!!!

DW

good or bad?

We had the consult with the ortho surgeon on Friday.  They said if we didn't hear from our HMO by today to call them.  So he did.  Turns out the surgeon took hubby's files home with him over the weeekend, so the request to do more xrays didn't get submitted.  Surgeon will be back tomorrow.

So the question is - is it good or bad?  Good that the surgeon was concerned enough to take the medical record home to review over the weekend?  Bad that the condition warrants the surgeon to take it home and study?

I simply told hubby that I thought this was a very good surgeon - someone who cared enough to look more closely at the medical record, and thus we should listen to his final recommendation and take it to heart.  He agreed.

In the meantime, hubby has started having nightmares.  Really bad ones.  Bizzare ones.  Scary ones.  He wakes up and cannot go back to sleep because he is afraid the dream will come back.

I wonder if it's a side affect of one of his medications.

I suggested he call his physician.

He didn't.

In direct contrast, I have been sleeping like a log, getting excellent rest, no dreams and getting my rest.  Hopefully that will continue and I can stay one step ahead of everything else.

He is back in his depression.  He did not leave the house all weekend long.  Did not want to go to the movies or out to eat.  Absolutely nothing.  Just watched movies all weekend long.

I had plenty of things going on and stayed quite busy, yet still concerned about his level of depression.  He continues to refuse to see anyone about it.

The anger outbursts are increasing, but still manageable.  I can understand a lot of it.  Worrying about his back, dealing with the pain.  I think he's pretty much sitting on the edge.  But nothing I can do other than listen and be here for him.  So life goes on.  Overall, it was a quiet weekend.

DW

Surgeon visit

Went to meet with the orthopedic surgeon yesterday afternoon.  I liked the guy.  He did a very thorough exam.  I think he knows what he wants to do, but he ordered  5 more sets of xrays.  I think he wants to make sure before he tells us what he thinks the next steps are.

Of concern was the fact that our HMO did an MRI - hubby was laying down, and this does not show what happens to the back when he stands up.  So we need standing xrays to compare to the MRIs.

It was interesting to see how you can view cross sections of the vertebra and see them lined up at the same time.  Hubby has substantial narrowing of the spinal colum, degeneration of numerous vertebra, curvature of the spine.

The most interesting finding is that he has lost a full inch in height in the last year.  Wow!! That was a shocker to both of us!

I have never doubted his back pain.  But now I wonder how he even manages to walk after seeing everything that is wrong with it.

So, we wait.  The HMO has to approve, then schedule the new xrays.  We are supposed to ask to have the films, then hand carry them back to the surgeon and will have a second consult with him.

After that, hubby has to make the decision whether he wants to have back surgery or not.  I simply want to know what the recovery time is and how surgery will impact his dibetes.

More wait and see.

DW

Brain fog

Mary wrote:

I got scared this morning. DH is a Type 2 and he tested high this morning. He ate his usual breakfast of sugary cereal even though I offered to cook eggs for him. He was trying to type on the computer keyboard and I watched him trying to distinguish the numbers from the letters. He would type something and then realize that is wasn't right and then try again. All the time he was doing this he was asking me the same question over and over (What is his email address? What is his password? Lucky for him that I have a good memory). I told him that he was not acting right. I asked him if he was feeling okay and if he was having a problem with confusion. His response was silence. He would not or could not articulate what he was going through. I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER. No response. He just kept on trying to figure out his keyboard typing. He is very computer literate and never had any problems until today. I helped him get into his email account so he could read his messages.

And I have to say "I so understand!" Today was not good here.  I went out to the garage to get something and noticed a huge pile of something that did not look good at all on a wood shelf that I use as sort of a workbench.  I have drills and a grinder and a bin for screws on it.  I called hubby to have him come take a look at it.  He said, "oh, I spilled some battery acid there."

So, the battery acid was eating into the wood and was festering up.  I was so upset.  I got a paint scraper out and scraped as much as I could into the trash.  That's when I saw the acid was eating the wood away.  $100 shelves.  I absolutely could not believe that he just left it there, didn't even try to clean it up.  I put baking soda on it, made a paste, took the shelves apart, got the wood outside and hosed it down.  Of course, I ran out of baking soda and had to run to the store for more.  The acid had eaten almost half way through the shelf, but I think I got it all off the wood.  I flipped the board over and put the shelves back together and then put everything back on the shelf.

I called my sister and vented.  If I had a job, I would leave him today.  It took me 2 hours out of what was already a really busy day to clean up a mess that he made.  I know, I know - his back hurt.  He would do it when he felt better.  The problem is that he is never going to feel better and if I didn't clean it up - it would have eaten all the way through the board.  So, no big deal - cut a new board!  But why me. Why do I have to do it all?  Why do I have to clean up all of his messes just because he doesn't feel up to it?  I just wanted to scream.

And I know he doesn't feel good.  But to just walk away and leave BATTERY ACID?????  He could have told me when it happened.  No, I'm sure he was in a sugar low or high and just not thinking.  It happens so much.  Most of the time I just ignore it.  But battery acid????

I wonder what will be next?  What will he forget?  What will he get confused about?  What will he overlook?

So Mary, I am right there with you.  I understand completely.  I don't know what we can do - other than keep an ever watchful eye, try to find the spills before they eat the wood up, try to stay one step ahead of everything, and try to NOT get worn out.

Tonight....I'm worn out!

Lynn wrote:

I am scared for you. It sounds like he is giving up and just doing whatever he wants to do, barring consequences...don't his doctors give him hope? Just wondering. Is the work too much? too much stress to work and take care of himself...just a thought...is there a way he can get disability? just another thought...what about depression meds...if he isn't on them would he consider it? these are just thoughts that have popped into my head as I feel concerned for my cyber sister...I am scared for you two. HUGS and LOVE.

In a nutshell:
He won't quit work
He won't take depression meds
He won't go to counseling
His doctors are actually quite optimistic.  He isn't.
He could qualify for disability.....but I sort of think work might be better for him at the moment.  At least it gives him something to do and keeps his mind busy.

I'm pretty sure he's given up.  I do my best to stay happy and optimistic around him (when I'm not seething mad about battery acid!)  When I do get mad, I find a project to work on - today was cleaning in the basement.  I have a goal.  Get everything up out of the basement while I can still do stairs myself!  It's a good goal.  Forcing me to sort through things.  Keeps me away from him!

I've been doing tons of research on depression, mood swings, impacts of various drugs.  He has his moments when he still seems perfectly ok.  But lately, we've been experiencing more and more forgetful moments.  Missed appointments.  Getting times and dates of appointments mixed up.  Missing meetings.  I try to keep a calendar and when I remind him of something - he actually argues that it's not on that date.  Then when he misses it, he apologizes.  We've had a huge increase in stuff like that going on.  I try to remind him.  But he can be pretty stubborn on most days!

I still try to find humor in it all.  Some days it takes more effort than others.  The good thing about the battery acid is that I got that shelf cleaned off!  LOL!!!  One more thing I can cross off my "to do" list.  Maybe he should pour some battery acid on the window sills as I need to repaint most of them!  :o)

DW

Today, I'm scared

We all have our moments. They come and they go. Today - I'm scared.

He is depressed. I know this is common for post open heart surgery. I know he needs counseling. He won't go. I can't help him.

He said all he wants to do for the next 5 days is sleep.

Part of this has to be because he is back eating all the crap he wants. Not exercising. Loading up on sweets.

With increased medical bills due to the surgery, back, all the specialists, office visits and prescriptions.....we have had to cut way back in other areas and this is contributing to his depression.

He is gaining weight and quite puffy looking. His eyes look especially swollen to me. I am noticing that sweet uric smell in our bedroom once again. He says he doesn't smell it, but I sure do. There was a TV series out here while back with a grim reeper.....and I feel like this smell is his grim reeper. It's almost a warning that kidney failure is around the corner once again.

It is so sad to see him in such a state. But I know I can't do anything except be here for him. I am doing my best to keep busy and active, fill my day with projects and outings. But in the background - he is overshadowing everything.

He went to bed at 1 pm, it's now 3 pm. He was supposed to be off work today, but got called into major meetings starting at 6 am this morning.

I'm scared that the infection in the venous ulcer in his ankle is spreading.

I'm scared that he is reverting back to kidney failure.

I'm scared that something else is going on with his heart and he is not getting sufficient oxygen to the brain. (He's acting much like he did before he had bypass surgery).

I'm just scared.

And I realize that it's ok to be scared. As long as I don't allow the fear to consume me. As long as I don't allow the emotions to overcome me to the point that I can't function. Or to stop living my own life.

Too hot to do yardwork, so I'm going to read a good book this afternoon. Have already had a visit from an art pal today and went to a warehouse sale.

But in between all that....I just wanted to note that I'm scared. And that I don't think he's doing well at all.

DW

venous ulcer

As expected, it'snot healing. So his physician referred him to the wound care center last Wednesday. When he went to make the appointment, they told him they couldn't get him in until 9/14.

So for the next 2 weeks, we simply wait and hope that the infection doesn't spread. It is just amazing to me that our healthcare system is so completely stupid!

His back pain has increased. Probably because he is favoring his leg.

The neurosurgeon is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon who is supposed to schedule a consult appt by the end of this week.

We talked a little bit today about back surgery. 50% chance it won't help at all. Chance he might be paralyzed. I told him all we can do is see what the new surgeon has to say.

He is sleeping more and more. Always tired. I think the pain is wearing him out.

My sister surprised us with an overnight visit last night. Always fun!

He is taking 5 days off over Labor Day weekend and just wants to stay home.

The blessing in all this is that he can still work.

DW

The dicotomy of being away

I love being alone
but I worry about him being alone

I don't have to do anything for him
but I worry about him having to do everything for himself

I can eat whatever I want
but I worry about what he's eating

I sleep so well
but wonder if he is sleeping at all

I don't have to see the ulcer on his leg
but I wonder if he is doing what he needs to do to take care of it

When I call him and he doesn't answer the phone
I wonder if he's in a sugar coma

the list could go on

if you are the wife of a diabetic, I think you know.

DW

update on venus ulcer and more

Lilly wrote:

Just wondering: If he has been eating whatever he wants, his blood sugar is probably way too high at times. I know that my husband (Type 1, not Type 2) can get extremely verbally abusive at both extremes: too high, or too low, and I'm not always sure which it is, until he passes out (or just keeps ranting). Sadly, when he decides to sleep all day and I am at home, I enjoy the peace and quiet. And he wonders why I don't try to wake him! I am also avoiding being in the same room with him more and more, to keep from being yelled at or criticized for senseless things. (He also tells me he's not yelling; I'm yelling at him!) Simply being on survival mode is NOT the way I want things to be all the time, but this is my reality right now. I don't want to leave a chronically ill husband, but some days . . . !

He has to be going high because he's still at 6.2 overall and having lows. But he's not testing any more. Probably hasn't tested in 2 months now.

I have escaped to my sisters (2 hours away) for 5 days. I have 2 sisters who live in the same town, so the 3 of us have a weekend planned of chick flicks, shopping and resting. It's the best therapy on earth. And I'm close enough that if I absolutely need to go home, I can, but far enough away to get a break.

Went with him to the doctor's yesterday and they took off the unna boot. Doc thinks there may be new cell growth, so they wrapped it back up and we wait another week. If there was new cells, then we should see major progress in another week. If it wasn't, then he will go to the wound care center. His leg was totally shriveled up from being wrapped so tight. I thought it looked even more infected, but the doctor thought it was new cell growth. So we wait another week.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

DW

I think between fighting that, the irritation of the unna boot, eating crap again, sugars going high and low, I needed to get away.

So today, he couldn't.....

plug in an extension cord on one side of the garage and run it to the other. Literally! He waited until I got home from the store, then started yellng at me because I had moved something in the garage. The GFI popped 3 times and he had to go to the basement each time to reset it. I asked him why he didn't run an extension cord from another outlet and he just started screaming at me. I said, "you don't need to get mad and yell!" to which he replied that I was yelling at him....and I hadn't even raised my voice - just asked a question.

So as he stormed into the house and slammed the door, I said, "oh, go eat some sugar!" LOL! No, I don't think he heard me. But I'm sure he's in a low. Just a quick post as I'm out the door to go run some more errands. I am NOT going to sit in this house with him in this mood. I don't need it and I don't deserve it.

Guess I should also note that the incision in his ankle where they took the vein out has now turned into a venous ulcer. I had been telling him that he needed to go to the doctor and he refused. Finally this week, when it started oozing, he made an appointment. They put an unna boot on it - for 2 weeks. If it doesn't improve, then he has to go to the wound care center. You know, he doesn't even consider stuff like what might happen if the infection goes to his bone. He just ignores it until he can't. So I'm sure he's upset about that as well. He is supposed to elevate his leg 4 times a day for 30 minutes each....and if he had been doing this since surgery....well, ok....

I'm off to run errands and simply escape from his wrath for a little bit today!

DW

the job hunt

I think I need to go back to work. Not for the money. But to get out of the house every single day. To get away from his constant depression. To associate with something outside of the realm of diabetes.

Sad.

But I have decided this is what I need to do.

So I applied for my first job today.

My goal is to apply for one job a day, 5 days a week.

Do I care what I do?

Not really.

As long as it is "doing" something!

He is very non-communicative again today.

I want to go back to vacationland and escape this!

Maybe I will start sleeping days and be awake all night.

Just so we don't run into each other! LOL!

Broke a tooth off last week and have to go to the dentist next.

Hope all the DWs out there have a peaceful day!

Did it work?

Yes and no! The pain on one side of his back/hip is better. The pain on the other side is much worse. After 3 weeks - it just doesn't seem to have helped him that much. I had a mini weekend getaway with another artist pal and came home to an utter bear of a guy. Ugh! I mean every little word is a pain to him. He's completely and totally intolerable. I'm just positive he ate whatever he wanted while I was gone and now it's back to veggi burgers, no potato chips, no chocolate....and he's just plain mad at me!

He said my brother was here and they went out to eat and a local sports bar where they serve nothing but deep fried comfort food! Just what both guys needed. ha ha!

But you know what, there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. He is in miserable pain because he STILL refuses to take care of himself.

He had the TV on this evening so loud it was shaking the house. I asked him to turn it down just a notch. You can't begin to imagine how angry he got with me. He finally put on his headsets. Now, I assume this means he is going deaf and will just yell at me even more because he can't hear what I'm saying.

I did have a wonderful weekend away and am so appreciative of my friends who keep me sane!

DW

FINALLY!!!

This afternoon, he gets his first cortisone injection in his back! Took them long enough, huh? But we are both excited and hoping that he has a peaceful weekend. I'm just not sure I'll know what to do with a guy that's not in pain! LOL!

His heart seems to be working just great. Diabetes is as under control as it has ever been. Glucose is still too high. He's back to eating whatever he wants - out of control, so I'm going to try to reign that in this weekend with a round of grilled seafood and healthy cooking. Now, if I can just get him to cooperate!

Will try to post the results of the injection as soon as we know. Just praying that he at least gets 24 hours of relief. A couple months would be wonderful!

DW

Pain

How much pain can one person take? Poor hubby. I worry about him day and night. He simply can't do the physical therapy they want him to do for his back. He is in somuch pain that he vomits. How sad is that?

And yes, that much pain has an impact on his glucose levels. Even with as many lows as he had after his heart surgery, his A1c is still at 6.9. Sigh. That means that for all those lows....it's going really high at other times. Sigh.

But pain management is the number one priority at the moment. He is not functioning at all. Sleeping way too much. Probably not eating enough. Not eating in a timely manner. Not sleeping because of the pain.

I want to cry for him, but I know it won't do any good. His daughter was here for father's day last weekend, and he really couldn't enjoy her company because he was in so much pain.

When will it end? Well, we are hoping they will try cortisone injections about mid July. But that's almost another month of waiting. Of intense pain. Of being sick to the stomach.

I can tell that the pain is wearing him thin. He doesn't have any humor left. He has no patience. He is getting more and more depressed.

How much pain can he take? I simply hope he can last another month.

DW

Maintaining

Lab results came back the same, so that is good. While labs aren't "good" by normal standards, it is good that they haven't changed/gotten worse. He is attempting to do the physical therapy for his back, but the exercises are so painful, he gets nauseated. Then he doesn't eat. Then his glucose drops. I'm not sure it's worth doing them over. He contacted the neurosurgeon's office and they told him to keep doing them, regardless of the pain. So rather than every day, was do them together, then wait 2 days and do them again. Takes that long for the pain to subside.

So, with all this pain, he is getting rather depressed and cranky. He's less and less interested in doing anything. Wants to eat what he wants. And I feel so sorry for him because I know if I were in so much pain I got sick to my stomach - I'd give up on everything else.

But beyond that, we are maintaining. It seems like we are growing closer to each other through all this. He seems to (for the first time) be caring about what my emotions and needs are. I think we both have agreed that we don't know what to do about his back and the pain.

His daughter came down for Father's Day weekend and he is enjoying her company. Good diversion for him.

DW

Is life good, or am I just numb?

LOL! I think I'm just numb. But I do get tired of posting the same thing over and over. His heart is mending. He is not exercising. He's quit testing his sugar 8 times a day. He's back to eating the same old crap.

And I'm back to being numb about it all. I just don't care. Surgery drained me. I need more time to recover. My therapy - gardening. I hate it....but it's something to occupy my time and since it's summer - it's good. Plus, it gets me out of the house 3 hours a day and away from all this.

Just tired of it

He has done the PT for his back 1 time in the last 2 weeks and says it causes him too much pain to do it. But he won't call the doctor and tell him that the PT is increasing his back pain.

Yet as long as he doesn't yell at me over stupid stuff, as long as I don't see the result of sugar lows....I'm good. I can live like this I know, I know - he could drop dead any second...but then we all can. I wish he would change. I pray every day that he will change. But he hasn't and he won't. Not even a triple bypass with a TMR woke this guy up for good....just for a few weeks.

Life goes on and overall, it's all good at the moment.

DW

Baby steps

Lynn wrote:

This is incredible...I MUST be Hellen Keller because I even took a swig of what I thought was a can of soda but it was a spit bottle and almost threw up so I tolerate a lot...but then again, I do get the addiction thingie as well, since I am a sugar addict when I get started...can pound a half bag of Tootsie Rolls and have, a pound of chocolate a day, and have...but when I grew a stone the size of a mini football in my kidney and had to have it lithotripsied it was my wake up call...I don't know...hubby and I joke about "don't judge me" and I hope he quits again, but he took it up after we had a car accident in April and he suffered a subdural hematoma and has been chewing again since. When I shared the info. I expected him to quit right then, but he was already off the Diet soda and trying to make other dietary changes/habits so he said, I will when I am ready...but I do get it because I would drop the 50 pounds I need to drop already if I really worked at it...oh, frustrating as hell because YES, love is blind. But I would rather have the love than not.
Speaking of love...I LOVE that I have met you and the other wife of a diabetic 2. HUGS

I know what you are saying....but in all of that, I got "car accidentin April" and immediately wondered if you hubby was behind the wheel? I rarely let mine drive if I'm in the car. Anyone who has sugar lows as often as he does has no business driving. Judgment is clouded during a hypo. Decisions/reactions are not as quick as they should be. Mental confusion prevails. And since you just don't know when a low is going to hit and he can't seem to forecast them these days, it scares the crap out of me to let him even think about driving.

Interestingly enough, I think he is a little afraid himself. He doesn't seem to have much of a problem with me doing all the driving. Now, part of that could be due to his back pain, but I just think he's more comfortable with me driving.

PT on his back starts Tuesday. We've had a hectic couple of weeks and today we are getting back on our serious nutrition plan. Yes, I know, if we stopped eating chocolate, we could drop that 50 pounds. So here's what is proving to be successful for us. Together, we are down 50 pounds right now. And maintaining. We simply count sodium. Under 2000 mg per day. It is nearly impossible to do. You can't eat out and keep that goal. You can't eat any processed foods. It's mostly fresh fruit and veggies. And it's amazing how good I feel - just keeping my sodium at that level. Granted, we go over a lot. And we do keep an eye on calories, carbs, fat, sugar, etc. But if you keep the sodium down, everything else will stay down.

As hubby says, it doesn't matter how bad we are right now....it's still so much better than before his surgery. I've lost 20 pounds and would like to take another 20 off. But I will confess, it is really hard to keep that sodium under 2000 mg per day! Extremely bland diet.

And, we have kicked up the exercise. Age is working hard against us, as is arthritis. But again, it doesn't matter how "bad" we are at exercise - we are still way ahead of where we were!

I keep thinking baby steps. We just do a little every day- it's more than what we were doing.

DW

Smoking with diabetes

Lynn wrote:

I googled "living with a diabetic" and ultimately I came to your blog. I am so glad I did. I too have lived with my hubby for 38 years, and much of it has been since he was diagnosed as being diabetic and I didn't realize how much of a stress it has put on me being married to his condition. I am looking for support and think I have found it here...We love them, we are trying to help them, but we are human and need another person with our situation to vent, share, and understand with.
Thank you for this blog. HUGS

and then another comment:

Hubby chews tobacco and until the other day I didn't realize that nicotine messes with insulin...I googled the information and sat down with him to share it...he is hooked, has been for years, has quit a few times but goes back to it...has always been asked if he smokes and he truthfully says he does not but I didn't realize it wasn't the act of smoking they were getting at but the nicotine...I have been nagging and he seems to take it okay, but he keeps pointing out that he will quit again when he is ready to...frustrating as hell to see him dip into the can of chew when now I know it isn't helping him at all...denial is a #@$#!@$#~
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps.

Which got me to thinking. Hubby always so proudly tells his doctors that he has never smoked. Never picked up a cigarette in his life. I just cringe when he says that. I just think he is so incredibly stupid....and so are his doctors.

I have come to learn that you have to ask very specific questions, very detailed questions - you have to think like his brain and ok - that's impossible to do!

When you ask him if he has ever smoked, he assumes you mean cigarettes. And he always answers "I have never smoked a cigarette in my life".

But what they do not ask him is, "have you ever smoked a joint? Have you ever smoked marijuana? Have you ever eaten marijuana in a brownie or other food?"

I just wonder if he would tell the truth then.

He thinks marijuana is medicinal. Now, quite honestly, he hasn't smoked any in about the last 9 months. But before that, every weekend, and before that....all the time, whenever he had any pain at all.

I know the impact it has on his diabetes. He denies it all.

How can the doctors possibly help him when he refuses to be honest with them? You would think slashing him open, ripping his ribcage apart, hooking him up to a heart/lung machine.....that he would get the hint?

Not this guy! He still answers the question that he has never smoked in his life.

And ya wonder why I get stressed? LOLOL!

As for chewing - I would leave him for certain! Dated a guy about 35 years ago who would spit the chew in the back yard and I stepped in it once - barefoot! That ended that relationship! Funny how when I was so young, I wouldn't put up with anything like that.....and now I tolerate so much. It really is true that love is blind.

DW

and the journey continues

He will start physical therapy on his back in 2 weeks. Well, that's the consult visit with that department. He meets with them and they tell him what's next. He was pretty upset last night talking about it. Said he had spend $300 on co-pays for PT for his heart just to go walk on a treadmill and ride a bike. And I said, "but you aren't doing it now....and you did it there."

I'm not sure he got my point. He has not walked in the week and a half since cardiac PT released him. Do I treat him like a child and remind him every day that he needs to go walk? When I do mention it, he says, "I know" and that's it. I can't physically make him do it. It's just so frustrating to stand by and watch him slowy revert back to his old ways. I think I was a little over-optimistic that he would figure this out and change. Now, I'm not so sure.

And he refused to test himself last night, but I'm sure he had a low. We hav a basket to put fish in on the grill and he couldn't get it to open. I didn't think much of that, but then he couldn't get a sealed package of fish to open using a pair of scissors. I knew he was low when that happened. He started yelling at me and I simply left the room.

I can't help him. I can't save him. Just so sad.

DW

Getting my life back

Today, I taught an art class. We made dichroic glass pendants. One of my favorite things to do. It's the first class I've been able to schedule/teach this year. And it feels wonderful!

Hubby celebrated by going to a local bakery and buying a chocolate carmel cake for the students. Of course, they loved him to pieces! And he didn't eat any at all. So I thought that was huge progess. He can have sweets in the house, and won't eat them. Yeah for him!!!

While his back is still causing him incredible pain, we are both trying hard to get back into the routine of life. Yet that routine has been altered. Daily walks, eating healthy, treadmill and recumbant bike, exercises, healthy snacks. I think we are past fighting it all and have accepted it as a way of life. He is still testing numerous times a day, taking his insulin on a very strict schedule, eating snacks when he starts to go low....and it has made a huge difference in everything else in life.

And while we both know that this could end any time because his kidney function is so low and dialysis is looming just around the corner, I think both of us are enjoying this phase.

Art is a release for me. A place that I can escape to, play, have fun, create something, share what I know with someone else, teach them how to do something that they love. I have really missed it this year and am so happy to be back. It's been a really great day.

May you each have a great day. We all need them every once in awhile - just to remind us what life is really like!

DW

Catching up

I know - been awhile! So, post cardiac physical therapy is completed and he has a call in to neurology so he can start PT for his back. While I feel pretty certain that his heart is back in gear, it's really hard to tell because of the back pain. He is walking every other day, and really trying hard to eat right. But the pain overwhelms him most days. He's so grumpy. And yes, I know, if I were in that much pain, I'd be just a completly miserable person all the time - just like he is. But I think he tends to forget that I'm here. That I have needs. That this is a partnership. Not just a one-sided story.

But then, because of his pain, how can he even consider me?

So I try to understand, be patient, carve out a life of my own. It's sad. It's hard. It's lonely.

He is sill under a weight lifting restriction and it is taking it's toll on me. But I am resting when I need to, sitting on the heating pad, eating healthy and doing all the things I need to do to take care of me.

Mostly, I wake up, and take each day just one step at a time. I don't think much about the future or the past. I just try to do what needs to be done to get through today. And I make lists. That eventually get thrown away because I realize they will never get done, and that's ok.

Finding pleasure in little things has become important. But I feel like I'm old before my time. There is so much we have changed this year and so much we still continue to change. So much activity that we have had to give up. And I sit here and know that the only reason we give it up is because of his health. Sort of sad the things you do in the name of love.

Trying to find joy in the things you can still do is often times quite hard. Especially when that list has dwindled down to so few things. Limitations - not a word I have ever accepted. But when he says "no" - then it's either go it alone, or give it up. And some things are just no fun when done alone!

Aside from that, life is ok. He is here. He is functioning. We went out the other night and a man wheeled his wife in. She was younger than me and had had an obvious stroke. Was paralized for the most part. He sat there and fed her and talked to her and laughed with her. It was interesting to watch them. Made me so grateful that hubby is where he is.

That's the lesson in life I'm learning over and over every single day. That there is always someone else much worse off than we are and we just need to be grateful for what we have left - even if it isn't what we had yesterday.

DW

Cardiologists visit

So, 8 weeks post op and in to see the cardiologist today. She is pleased. In 4 more weeks, he can do anything - meaning that we start the process of getting his back fixed.

She agreed that she is going to see him in 6 months, then once every year. I loved her for that! She said sometimes they release you for 5 years, but because he has diabetes - once a year.

She still thinks that he has had a heart attack at some time in the past. At the bottom of his heart - a place that doesn't show up on an echocardiogram. I think I agree based on the fact that the surgeon said there was no blood flowing to that part of the heart and very few healthy veins down there.

I feel like thisis my alert, my wake up call - that while he is better, he is not out of the woods and will never be out of the woods. Amazing how intricate the heart is. Even more amazing is what they can do these days to help it work longer.

DW

Physical Therapy post vacation

We had a pretty good trip after getting off to a rugged start. His meds arrived the next day. He walked every morning. Did pretty good with eating the right foods. Did some exercises with hand weights. Tested and kept is sugars pretty even. No lows as he was able to divert them each time. Our host were so gracious and grilled fish of some type most nights. When we ate out, he had salads most meals. So it was a great trip. We even got some rest in.

Came home and he started back iin physical therapy yesterday I don't know if it's because he switched back to a treadmill rather than walking on the ground, or if it was being away from the recumbant bike for a week, but he did something to his back. He could hardly move last night. The pain was so intense I really thought he was going to cry and he has a very very high threshold for pain as it is. He was taking narcotics and they didn't even phase him.

Today has been a little better. So hopefully whatever happened will start to heal.

When he's in that much pain - I want to cry myself. It just brings life to a screeching halt. No one gets any sleep. He was up til 1 am, up at 3, at 4, and at 6 am. So we are both exhausted today, of course.

Other than that, everything seems to be good. Almost too good. We have a f/u visit with the cardiologist tomorrow and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's a good visit as well,

DW

Vacation

We got to the airport and he said, "I left all my pills on the nightstand".

What do you do??? I called my friend and she went and got them and shipped them to us overnight, 8 am delivery. Thank goodness for good friends! First night out was a mess without his meds. He did have his insulin....but nothing else.

I asked him 5 times if he had everything. Every time the answer was yes. I truly just wanted to pull my hair out.

But I am getting some rest and he is doing pretty good finally. Traveling with diabetes at his stage is certainly a challenge - adjust for 2 time zone changes, time of meals, etc. He did get up this morning and walk a mile. Pretty amazing. And tonight, he had grilled salmon and a salad. Not bad. Last night he had fried chicken - not so good.

Hopefully the rest of the week will go well.

DW

and a good day today

Finally! A good day! Hubby went to an electronics show and I went shopping. Then we went to a movie and out to dinner - had a salad.

At lunch, he packed everything he needed. At the movie, he took everything. What a change from Wednesday.

He dropped the humulin by 1cc in the am and pm. The lowest he has gone was 80. But he is staying high too much. Not sure what the resolution to that one is. I know being high is not good. But I truly hate the lows.

Today was great. If every day could just be like today......

DW

help

Help me find my sanity! I'm going to post what happened - then tell me how I can ever find my sanity!!!

Yesterday. I knew it was going to be a busy day. I probably should have done a better job preparing for the day. But by gum...this is HIS disease!!! And he needs to own up to it - if I do everything for him, then he just blames me when it goes wrong.

I knew we had an education class at cardiac therapy at 1:30 pm. I was going to leave a little early and get over to the medical clinics to have a minor laser procedure done to my eyes. He had cardiac physical therapy from 2:45 - 3:45 pm. And his first grandson was supposed to be delivered at 10 am. So we thought we could drive and hour down to the hospital, see him, then be back by 1:30 pm. No problem.

So, we wake up and he is up, showered and ready to go at 8 am. He has his bag on his shoulder and says, "I'm ready when you are!" And I said, "aren't you going to call your son to see if his wif is in labor?" (of course used their names instead of the relationships I just wrote). So he sat down and called and of course, she hadn't even started. She was being induced and for some reason, hubby and his son think that meant she would deliver immediately. I said, "Sweetie, I want to tell you something and you can do with this whatever you want" He said, "what?" I said, "when my youngest son was due, they induced me. They told me he would come pretty fast. It took another 23 hours before I delivered him. Each woman is completely different. She might deliver quickly, but it could take a long time."

He said, "I'll call him and tell him we're not coming." I said, "why are you doing that?" He said, "it's obvious you don't want to go". I said, "That's not what I said at all. But what I don't want to do is to drive down there this morning, have nothing happen, and then have to drive back down there tomorrow!:"

And he went into the office and went to work.

So I should have known that was an indicator of the rest of the day. But a pretty good example of how he will take what I say and comletely twist it into something else.

We left shortly after 1 to head over to education. He had his bag. I didn't ask what was in it. Didn't remind him of this or that. I had my laser procedure done. More swelling than they thought. Doctor said I might wake up in the morning with my eyes swolle shut. They were about half open when I got done. Walked back over to where he was having therapy and he told me the baby had been born while we were in the education meeting. (found out later she gave 6 pushes - he came pretty fast once it started.)

So, of course, he wanted to drive down to see the baby after therapy. My gut told me not to go. But he insisted. And I knew if I drove home, he would take the car and drive himself....and he hasn't been released from surgery to drive yet. So we went. I had to lean my head back to see out of the slits in my eyes. I just drove slow. We got there fine. Cute baby. For a baby. His 6 pm alarm went off and I asked him if he brought his insulin No.

He took his glucose and he was at 52! (Did he not sense this at 70? 60?) He did not have any glucose tabs. He ran out (why did he not ask me to stop and get some on the way to education?) He did not even have smarties in his bag with him. We are an hour from home. He says, "Let's go to PFChangs!" I said, "no". But then I'm thinking - he's so low, he can't take the insulin, go ahead, get him wherever he wants to eat - get something in him...and PFC was next to the hospital. So we went.

Horrible choice for his current nutrition plan.

He should have packed glucose tabs, smarties, and apple, a peanut butter cup.
He should have taken his insulin with him.

But he didn't

And when he's down to 52, he's not about to make a healthy choice about where to eat.

And I knew if I didn't take him to PFChangs - he would simply make me misearable the rest of the evening with his pouting, or his depression, or his sullen quietness. We've been through this a million times.

Of course, I have huge bandages slanted over my upper eyes, am looking through slits to see where I'm going - and exactly what I wanted to do - or felt like doing - was eating out. I left my sunglasses on the whole time. Didn't need other people staring at me.

We made it home and I went straight to bed. Over exhausted at this point and totally not caring what his glucose is doing. But when he tested again he was low. We had stopped at the store on the way home and he got some more glucose tabs...but he had left them downstairs. So I got up and got them for him. Told him he HAS to lower his humulin both morning and evening tomorrow. Sigh. Why do I have to tell him? Because he's not going to do it on his own!!!

I lay down on my side to finally go to sleep. I took 2 benadryl as my eyelids were starting to itch. I feel a tear running across my nose. Get up and of course, it's blood, gushing out from where they did the laser. I take the dressings off, apply pressure for 20 minutes. Still bleeding. Apply pressure for another 20 minutes. No bleeding. By now, the benadryl has more than kicked in. I decide to adjust the bed to a reclining position and I manage to sleep most of the night - sitting up. I assume his glucose went back up - I wouldn't have been able to do anything for him and he wasn't able to be of any help to me.

So yes, I should not have had the laser procedure done while he is still recovering from surgery. But I had waited months to get an appointment. And it really doesn't matter when it was done - he could have still had a low.

We shouldn't have gone to see the baby after I had laser surgery - but he would have pouted and sulked....or worse yet, gotten in the car and driven himself.

We shouldn't have eaten out. I should have checked his bag. But why should I be the one to check his bag. Why can't he take everything he might need in the event plans change?

I should have checked his glucose tab supply. But why is that my job?

I should have checked his bag for insulin and everything else, but again, why is that my job?

And why is is that he can't figure out that he needs a mid-afternoon snack to keep his glucose up?

Why can't the endocrinologist see that he is still going low 1-2 times a day? And substantially lower his insulin? Why don't they put him back on the oher insulin? Why feed him carbs? Why not reduce the humulin or get him off it? Nasty stuff I think! Why aren't they monitoring him more closely?

Now I need to go chart what he ate at PFChangs and show him how he was 3x more sodium than he was supposed to have for the day! But I woke up with eyes swollen and even less of a slit to see out of and decided that today, I'm staying in bed. I can see find from a reclining position to just spend the day on my laptop. At 3 pm, I can take these dressings off and start my own post op care. I'm hoping if I remain quiet today, there won't be another bleeding episode tonight.

So, how do you care for a diabetic when you have to give 100% of your time caring for your own recovery?

How do you get a guy who is completely stupid when he goes low to retrain his thinking to tell himself during that low than rather than eating out, he needs to prepare and have healthy snacks in his bag with him at all times?

How do you get the diabetic to purchase their own glucose tabs BEFORE they run out?

How do you get a break from being a caregiver to someone who has diabetes???

And you know, I know there are no real answers....but I have to ask the questions anyway!

It's like the education session yesterday. 1 week after the session by the pharmiscists:

1. Hospital nutrition told him to use the entire line of Mrs. Dash
2. Pharmiscist said he cannot have any Mrs Dash that has potassium
3. Nutrition education said to use Mrs. Dash - did not even know some had potassium in them. Had 3 tubs of butter and asked us to determine which was the best. I pointed out that all 3 had potassium in them. I asked what he ws supposed to use for "butter". Her answer...."well, that is a problem, isn't it?"

No one has an answer.....


DW

Truly tired

I don't know how other spouses take care of their chronically ill husbands. I'm not doing so well. I can't keep up with the house, the yard, cooking, groceries.....and helping him out of his hypos.

I've been doing some research on humulin RU 500. From rxlist.com, they say:

deep secondary hypoglycemic reactions may develop 18 to 24 hours after the original injection of Humulin R (U-500)

patients should be carefully observed

prompt treatment of such reactions should be initiated with glucagon injections and/or with glucose by intravenous injection or gavage.

We don'thave a glucagon pen. He is not being closely monitored at all. He's still going low a couple of times a day. But at least it's not continuous from 2 - 6 pm like it was.

And then from wikipedia.org:

affect of hypoglycemia on the brain:

if the amount of glucose supplied by the blood falls, the brain is one of the first organs affected

subtle reduction of mental efficiency can be observed when the glucose falls below 65 mg/dl

Impairment of action and judgment usually becomes obvious below 40 mg/dl

Prolonged, severe hypoglycemia can produce lasting damage of a wide range

The likelihood of permanent brain damage from any given instance of severe hypoglycemia is difficult to estimate, and depends on a multitude of factors such as age, recent blood and brain glucose experience, concurrent problems such as hypoxia, and availability of alternative fuels.

manifestations

impaired judgment
moodiness
depression
negativism
irritability
belligerence
combativeness
rage
personality change
fatigue
weakness
apathy
lethargy
daydreaming
sleep
confusion
amnesia
dizziness
staring
"glassy" look
blurred vision
auomatic behavior
slurred speech
incoordination
abnormal breathing

Hubby has had all of those since heart surgery during his lows.

continuning on, the same website says:

There is no consistent order to the appearance of the symptoms, if symptoms even occur

Specific manifestations may also vary by age, by severity of the hypoglycemia and the speed of the decline.

It makes perfectly good sense that his physicians should be following him closely. So, define "close". Once a day? Once a week? Inpatient?

He has not heard from his primary care physician in over a week.

He has not heard from the endocrinologist in over 9 days.

The surgery team has only called him one time since surgery.

He is being seen 3 times a week by cardiac physical therapy, but they would have nothing to do with his blood sugar lows.

And tonight, I am way too tired to care. Too tired to talk to him about it (like that might do a bit of good?). Too tired to read anyting else.

Diabetes can cause depression in the diabetic. I've read all the reasons why. I believe that it can also cause depression in the spouse and family members. I'm tired of worrying about him. I'm tired of taking care of him. Tired of eating the way he has to eat. Tired of cooking healthy food. If I see another piece of lettuce today I would simply scream!!! Tired of toting all his stuff up and down the stairs every day. Tired of fastening the seat belt when he gets into the car. Tired of opening doors for him.....

The list is endless.

I keep telling myself we only have one more week to go til the surgeon should release him to do some of this stuff.

I wonder if I will make it one more week.

OK, just ignore me - I'm tired.

DW

Weekend notes

Sister and brother-in-law here. b-i-l got a new laptop and hubby helped him program it. Pretty good weekend all in all. Hubby started back to work today, part time, from home. He was exhausted and hoarse by noon. But sticking with schedules, menus and doing pretty good. One low today after PT, so probably from exercising. Will watch tomorrow. Might be time to reduce the Humulin even more. My sister went home this afternoon. She's been here a week. It has been wonderful. She motivated me to get back to my art which has been so much fun. Time for me to move ahead. Hubby is doing more and more. I still have to drive him everywhere for at least another week. Hope the surgeon will release him next week, but he may not be able to drive due to the narcotics he is on for back pain.

I'm starting to feel a bit more rested. This is an easy week. 3 days of PT, I have o/p surgery to remove tags from my eyelids on Wed - and the grandson is supposed to be delivered that morning. Should be a good week.

DW

Pure stupidity- if you ask me!

I let him decide what he wants for breakfast and lunch. So today, he had turkey, cottage cheese and peaches. Hardly any carbs at all. The nutritionist had told him yesterday that he needs 45- 60 carbs per meal and that he should make sure he has them on the days that he has cardiac therapy. I asked him if he wanted more carbs, he said, no.

So, at 2 pm, he was low. He ate an apple. No glucose tabs, of course. And he was low at cardiac therapy.

So how stupid is that? He knows absolutely what he is supposed to do. He knows what he is supposed to eat. He just doesn't want to do it. Or is it a control issue? Or does he just want the attention of the therapists? I sat out in the lobby today - I'm just not going to watch him be stupid. Someone needs to slap this guy up the side of the head for sure!!!

On the way home, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I told him that if he has a death wish, if he wants to die, let me know, I'll help him out. All he has to do is quit taking all of his meds and we will eat out 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. And if he wants to live, then he needs to do this 100%, not just the parts of it he wants to do.

He said, "yes maam". And I told him not to put this on me. I said that I'm not the person with diabetes or a heart problem. That I am only changing my eathing habits to help him, but I sure don't have to do that. I reminded him that he is the person picking what he wants to eat, not me. I ask him every single meal what he wants. So I have nothing to do with it - it's entirely up to him.

So of course, he's mad at me still. But today, I just didn't care. I'm back to my "good place" where I know this is not my problem, not my disease. I have done a really good job of taking care of him for the last 4 weeks and now it's time that he start taking care of himself. I know he doesn't want to. I know he wants to blame me or anyone else for everything that is wrong. But I'm not going to let him blame me.

He's been given a new chance to live with this surgery. He's just pretty stupid to not do what he has to do. And don't tell me it's hard. I'm eating exactly what his doctors and the nutritionist have told him to eat. So I know it can be done.

DW

A horrible day

Visit to the nutritionist. She said he needs to load up on carbs when he has a low. I said they need to reduce his humulin, he's getting too much. She is sending a note to the endocrinologist to recommend dropping his humulin from 20cc - 18 or even 15 cc. He agreed to drop to 18 tomorrow. He was low again all afternoon.

So why would anyone say to load up on carbs when he has been low almost every afternoon for 2 weeks....I am charting and graphing so much the pattern is quite obvious. The heart surgeon's nurses said when he goes low to give him OJ. That gave him gout. So the endocrinologist said to give him peanut butter, apples, apple juice. Cardiac PT gave him apple juice. I have tried to get him to take glucose tabs for the last 3 years and he has absolutely refused to do so. The nutritionist wants him to take glucose tabs. . He told her today that he would. I wanted to scream my head off.

He came home, had a low, took smarties instead.

She said he should take a glucose tab every 15 minutes til he gets to 70. I asked - all afternoon? I showed her the charts where he has been low for 6 hours at a time....with everything he has been taking. Her answer? Glucose tabs act faster than smarties. Maybe they do. But remember, when he is low, he can't remember anything, can't remember what she said to do, can't remember what's best for him to do and will simply refuse to take what I offer him unless it's something he wants.

Shall I just let him go into a coma???

She made suggestions to increase carbs like putting raisens in his cereal. Of course, she didn't ask if he would do that and I know he hates raisens, so it won't happen. She suggested that rather than eating cockail sauce with the shrimp, that we sautee the shrimp. Probably won't happen either. She never asked him if he was a picky eater. She never asked him if he liked this or that. And it would not have mattered because he would have lied about it.

At one point, she asked him if he would do something and he looked at her, then at me and said, "if she will let me have it". I said, "Don't you dare put this on me!" But what I failed to tell her was that he is has been fixing his own breakfast and lunch the last 3 days - the decision on what to have is 100% up to him. Even when I fix his meals, I ask him what he wants to eat. I have learned over the years if I don't ask, then I'm just working for nothing because if he's not in the mood, he won't eat it. Yet we get into a meeting and he wants to put the blame on me. I just wanted to scream my head off.

We ran out of time. I didn't get to ask her about Mrs. Dash. At the hospital, they told us to not use salt substitutes, but to use all the Mrs. Dash's line. They told us a bout a local store that sold non-salt spices and to go there. Which I did. Yesterday, during the education session on medicines, they told us not to use any Mrs. Dash's products. When I questioned this, they said, "don't use the ones that have potassium in them". OK - but the hospital staff said to use ALL of the Mrs. Dash line.

And maybe that sounds like such a simple tiny problem to many, but this is a huge change in diet for him and he doesn't like herbs and spices - he wants salt.

Then he had the NIVA ultrasound done on his legs and arms. My sister and I picked him up and he wanted to go out for lunch. And I just said, "we better not" and drove home. He has been mad at me the rest of the day. And I mean really really mad! I just don't get it. We go talk to a nutritionist....and he wants to go out to lunch.

I want to give up. I want to quit. I have caregiver burnout so bad. I am sick and tired of doing everthing that I can to help him lose weight, keep his sugar stable, encourage him to exercise.....I have changed everything about how I live....and he gets mad because I tell him I'm not going out to eat.

More proof that he has a death wish?

Then, we were talking about next weeks appointments and I told him that Wednesday will be the worst. He has an education class followed by cardiac therapy and I have a minor outpatient surgery scheduled while he's doing that. He said, "the grandson is going to be delivered that day" and I said that we would be free on Thursday to go see him. Well, he got even madder. Not sure why - I only scheduled my appt to save yet another trip to the clinic. He already had his 2 appointments that day - was he planning on skipping them? He just forgot to mention that to me?

Anyway, it has been a horrible day here. I'm exhausted. Watching chick flicks with my sister and I may just sleep downstairs tonight. I'm just too tired to look at him, see his sullenness, feel how angry he is at me....when all I'm trying to do is help.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm praying that it will be better.

DW

exhaustion

Tonight, I think I have a new definition of the word exhaustion. But I don't know how to describe it. I don't know when I have been this worn out. I'm not sure that I can physically do another set of stairs tonight. But I have to, to get to bed. It's only Wednseday. How do I make it through the rest of the week?

He was in a low from 2 pm - 7:30 pm again today. Nothing could get him above 52. Apple juice, smarties, bananas, peanut butter...nothing worked.

I think he took too much humulin this morning. They have been changing his dose about every 2 days. I wrote down he was supposed to take 20 - he said he took 22, he thought that's what he was supposed to take. He's on prednisone and should be going high. Instead, he's going low. A 5 1/2 hour low, testing every 15 minutes. His finger tips are so filled with holes it hurts me to look at them. He hurts all over and just feels sick.

I know why I'm worn out. Not to mention running up and down stairs, it's the stress of everything catching up with me right now. The stairs are just the physical part of it....the emotional tireness coming out in the physical activity.

My sister is here helping out. She said she just doesn't know how I do it. I spent 2 hours tonight getting caught up in the charting as we have an appt with nutrition tomorrow. And then he has a 2 hour ultrasound called NIVA. Supposed to look at the vessels taking blood to his back - related to the back pain he is having. He is completely stressed out about having to lie still for another 2 hour test as he knows the pain is going to be more than he can stand. I told him he simply has to ask them to manage his pain.

There are days like today that I think I no longer have a life of my own. I have no time to do any of the things I did pre surgery. The good thing is that I don't have much time to think about what I've given up or why, and less time to get angry about it. Way too tired with no energy left for anything.

DW

The ups and downs of post surgery

Yesterday morning, he took 22 cc of humulin and he was only supposed to take 20. I was wondering why he got confused...and then remembered that this can happen post surgery. So of course, he had a couple of major lows in the early afternoon. And I don't think he recognized them coming on. So I am ever so grateful that he is now testing on a very regular basis.

He was pretty depressed most of yesterday as well. But today, he woke up in a much better mood. He actually did his 30 minute exercise without a reminder. And he maintained his fairly good spirits most of the day.

We got a call from vascular therapy that he has been referred for a NIVA - non invasive vascular assessment for his spine. And then a consult with that department once the ultrasound is done. A 2 hour ultrasound! That should prove interesting since he can't stay in one position for more than about 5 minutes without pain.

The gout infection has cleared up and he is finishing up the rest of his prednisone burst. I am so far behind on charting, but will get that caught up tomorrow.

My sis is here visiting this week and I'm getting some much needed "therapy". She is working hard to get me back motivated to do some art, so that is great.

All-in-all it was a good day today. :o)

DW

Post-surgery emotions

I had been warned that open heart surgery can completely change a person's emotions. And that for the first 2 years post surgery, there can be lots of emotions, depression, etc. But I just was not prepared for what he did Saturday morning.

I woke up and was working on my laptop in bed. It was almost 9 and I decided I'd better wake him up. So I called to him and he didn't answer. I called again. So I turned the light on and he didn't move. He wasn't moving. I got up, talking all the time, telling him it was time to get up and still no movement. I put my hand on his shoulder. I really thought he had gone into a coma. I wasn't going to panic, but I was already thinking about what to do - call 911, or stick OJ down his throat. I started to take his CPap mask off and he grinned.

I just burst out into tears and came downstairs and cried so hard. I didn't know whether to get madder than I have ever been at him, or just give up.

He did this once before when we were at a friend's house and he promised me he would never ever do it again. So I know I can't ask him to promise me that again. He is not capable of keeping a promise. He came down and was truly sorry. But I said to him that he can't possibly understand what he just put me through. I said that I had sat in that surgery room for 8 hours, praying non-stop for him. That I had gotten everyone I know in the entire world to pray for him. And now, he can merely joke about it and act dead?

He agreed that he can't know what I'm going through. We didn't talk for the next few hours. It wasn't a tense silence at all...it was a remorseful one. I know I can't change him. I know that he will never understand how much I love him. And it simply pains me that he doesn't love me enough, that he doesn't care for me enough to keep me from this kind of needless suffering.

When he does go into a coma I will probably just stand there and punch him to death. It's going to take something for me to ever believe he is in a coma at this point. And I explained that to him. But he just doesn't get it. He doesn't see how fragile life is right now. I think he doesn't care.

And I thought I was worn out before? I had nothing to give him or anyone else all weekend long. I was just completely drained. And he doesn't even understand that.

I don't want to stay, but I know I can't leave. He can't even drive himself to the doctor's right now.

I want to hurt him so much. I want to make him feel this pain. This utter sense of violation. This sheer hopelessness. But I don't think I ever can. And then I feel guilty for wanting him in more pain after what he has just been through.

And no, he was not in a sugar high or low....he just was not thinking about how his actions might affect me so soon after surgery.

So then yesterday, he was depressed all day long. And I'm not sure why. I think it's because his son had invited him to attend Easter sunrise services at their church and we, together, had decided it was not the best thing to do, that it would be too much this close after surgery. The church is about 18k people, the services are outdoors, early, cold, and quite a long drive from here. And I still think the decision to not go was the healthy choice, but he was depressed all day long. Wouldn't talk. Wouldn't smile at anything. Just sat and moped all day long. Sigh. I don't know which is worse. That deep of a depression, or risking the outdoor elements to go to a church.

Here's hoping the week improves.

DW

The nephrologist

Said he doesn't think hubby's kidney failure is from the diabetes.

Go figure.

I'm trying to figure out if the nephrologist is an idiot, or uneducated, or just doesn't have a clue?

He was a pretty young guy.

He wanted to reduce the alopurinol from 500 mg to 150 mg. Hubby takes it for gout and to keep his uric acid low. It's working just fine. Why reduce it? Especially since hubby just had a MAJOR gout attack last weekend.

So the doctor at least agreed that he would make that a referral to hubby's GP and let the GP (who just saw the gout) make the call.

It's like they all just look at a chart and tell him what to do. But no one is looking at the whole - the entire picture - to see what might be best to do.

Lower the alopurinol, increase the gout, increase the prednisone, make the glucose go up, increase the insulin......

Am I the only person on earth who sees the path this would set him on?

I honestly think none of his physicians really care.

And that is so sad.

DW

Agnus wrote

Gosh, I feel for you. Been there. Stage-setter: Different risks - history of addiction, depression, HepC, bad hips and shoulders; Amaryl, Metformin and Glucophage; A1Cs 7- 8, bs 200-400, never reported. He refused insulin, afraid needles would trigger a heroin relapse. So, bypass in 1999.
What to expect? Tears, normal and healthy, release bad stress. Testosterone disappears in surgery so he's all estrogen now til it rebuilds – enjoy it! Men ignore this, you'll hate it: We watched chick flicks and boo-hooed together, what a hoot!
His pain was hard to control in this order:
1) where the tubes had been, 8-9 first week, livable by week 3
2) lower back, 8-9. BTW they quit using steel gurneys; cardio says now they pad ‘em cuz the patient's full weight rests on spine and sacrum but there’s no blood-fed tissue to protect nerves.
3) legs where veins were pulled - fiery 7-9 for weeks, worse when he walked for his rehab. With pain pills he gradually got walking 45 minutes a day after 2-3 months.
We had two pretty good years after the surgery when he stuck with rehab. They stepped him down to Tramadol but a year later pulled that too when his liver enzymes crept up. He stopped walking, too painful. He could not return to factory work, failed the paperwork parts of retraining for new work, stayed unemployed 3 years, then found part-time work he loved.
His heart, thank God, has stayed great. They had time for only 5 of 6 bypasses, but the last was not critical. A recent check 11 years post-op shows his heart still ticking along fine. (They let him back on tramadol last year; guess it's moot now that he has cirhossis.) And he injects insulin now 4x day.
Sometime post-surgery I started noticing what I thought were lows or highs, but somehow different. He was tested and found to have a learning disability affecting multi-dimension and abstract perceptions. They said he may have had it all along, just noticeable now that he was out of the factory. Maybe. Or, diabetes? Surgery? Drug abuse? Rx side-fx? Head injuries? He’s had ‘em all. In 2003 he was diagnosed with a liver-related brain disease too.
I walk a daily tightrope between taking care of myself and taking care of him, being his friend and being his mommy, being his support and being his boss. I used to ask myself why I stayed, but I know: I love the guy, I don't break vows before God today, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life knowing myself as the kind of person who would bail on such a sick man when he has no one else.
My belief is that we are each here to learn certain lessons in life, and God will help us learn them as quickly and painlessly as we will let Him. His illness has changed me in ways I don't like, but also in ways that I am pretty proud of today (see preceding paragraph). I might have learned these life lessons some other way, like having a terminally ill child, or becoming a paraplegic or something. In the end, I had to surrender and accept that neither God nor I had made a mistake about my marriage. This is where I belong.
My Dad was a stick-to-the-end husband and father, and in my younger days I did not respect that or follow his example. Fortunately he saw me change, and before Alzheimer’s got him, he recognized me as a “sticker” now too. Dad died 2 weeks ago and it feels good to know he is proud of me today.
Well, I've written War and Peace again, I'm afraid - apparently I need a more regular outlet for my creativity or it floods when I'm pumped! Hope you're not drowned. You are a blessing, and I'm praying for you.
Agnus

Agnes, I am so sorry for the death of your father. I lost mine almost 20 years ago and it seems like yesterday in so many ways. Thank you for writing your story. You are quite brave to do so. And gave me a few new things to think about. I have to say, I thought it was so strange last week when he agreed to watch a chick flick with me! But you have now explained that to me, so I will take advantage of it while it lasts! :o)

It's good to know that he is 11 years post op. I think once they get my hubby's back fixed - he may outlive me!

After the past several days, today was a good day. It was wonderful! His pain is down, his sugars are remaining good, and he was in overall good spirits. I really needed a break and I got it today! And I had a really good night's sleep last night and looking forward to another one tonight.

DW

Sharing my charts

Here are the spreadsheets that I came up with to chart his daily intake of food (we have to limit sodium, fat, carbs, calories, fiber.....) and charting of blood tests, with places for his hypos. After a week of using these, they seem to meet his needs. The nurses are beyond happy with what we can fax to them. We'll see what the nutritionist says when we see her next week.

Just click on the image to make it larger.




DW

Thank you!

I received this comment today:

Wife: Chances are your husband does not know what he's putting you through, at least not at THAT moment. When we go Low, resistence and fussiness are common happenings. We will fight to avoid eating or drinking what's necessary. For Type 1s, that can manifest into crazy, surreal, sci-like scenes where you're more like an Alien trying to poison him rather than a loving spouse trying to help. That is what it is. Hopefully, your husband is someone who feels guilt following these Lows and apologizes after the fact. They are tormenting on those who must confront them, and I personally am thankful for my wife, the efforts of my parents during my childhood, and all those who've had to deal with diabetic hypos to whatever extent. Thanks for posting this, and continued wishes for good luck your way.

Thank you.

He always feels guilt the following day, but never really knows why. I feel so bad for him. It must be awful not being able to remember what happened, but feeling you need to apologize.

I do think he is less and less able to tell when a low is coming on, so I am really grateful that he has started testing numerous times a day. It is making him aware that he is not aware of the hypos.

I got a 2 hour nap in this afternoon which really helped. He slept about 2 hours as well. Pain still significant after 6 narcotic strength pain pills today. Getting ready to do our "evening routine" as we like to call it. Hope we can get some much needed sleep tonight.

DW

+++++++

Daily notes

Don't have much time for anything else in life right now other than charting his food/meds/stats and keeping notes. Thought I would post this mornings notes here. I like to write things down before I/he calls a doctor just so we don't forget something in the conversation.

Wed - 4 sugar lows
Thurs 6 sugar lows
Fri 3 sugar lows, saw endo, changed humulin
Sat ok
Sun 1 low
Mon 1 low

Possibly too much OJ to resolve the lows, too much citric acid, thinks his gout has flared up.

Infection in l hand/wrist and l knee.

started colchicine on Saturday, took until he got nauseated (per instructions)

Has not been taking diladid as he is still constipated somewhat. Had hard BM yesterday, still taking stool softeners.

In pain since last Friday, not improving.
Awake at 3 am today.
4 extra strength tylenol at 6 am
1 diladid at 8 am
Zero relief from pain.

Overall pain level 7, spikes to 9 are random
Left writs pain 10 to touch or move
So much pain he is now nauseated from the pain

Backpain with no movement is 5
hip to knee pain 0-7 in cycles
He has had hot searing pain from outside left hip to knee since he got home from surgery, had associated it with healing, but that pain has intensified since Friday.

Called surgeon's office. In surgery til 3 pm today. Nurse does not think this is gout due to location of infections, wants him to see a physician today.

Called the doctor's office and his GP is out today.

Cardiac Rehab assessment at 9:15 am.
1 hour assessment of his physical condition.
Do not want to start PT until next week due to pain levels today.
Nurse ret'd call, go from there to doctor's office, get labs first.

Labs done, then waiting
GP: only way to know if it's gout is to do a needle biopsy, but he doesn't see enough fluid to do that. Uric acid level won't tell anything - usually goes down during an attack.
While not typical joints for gout to attack, agree he has had gout there in the past. Atypical in how it started, but that doesn't matter now either.
Treat with prednisone for presumed gout, a lower dose. There should be clear progress by Thursday. If not, or if it's worse tomorrow, call back in.

Prednisone increases blood sugars, contact endocrinology to adjust Humulin levels.

At the clinic from 9 am - noon. Home. Fixed lunch. Basically skipped entire morning routines, no glucose levels, etc.

Called cardiac surgeon's office to insure ok to take prednisone this soon after surgery. (She called back, it's ok)

Called endo office. Doctor is out ill today, but taking messages Nurse not sure how to adjust humulin, wants to consult with physician.

1 pm. First dose of prednisone. And doubled the dilaudid.

Sound asleep at 1:30 pm.

I wish someone who has been down this road would post and let me know what to expect next! Maybe it's not possible.

It's now almost 2pm. And I have been providing him care since 6 am - non stop. Probably not a good day for me to make any decisions. But I have to wonder what I'm doing still here. How much can love endure? He has absolutely no quality of life at the moment. I'm trying hard to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, but at the moment, it looks like one huge black hole. I do know it's there.....it's just not visible at all today. I am in my one minute at a time mode. If I even stop to think how much of my life is currently being consumed by HIS disease I will get depressed. I thank God daily that I am healthy. Because I know that no one else in his life is going to take care of him.

DW

Sugar lows

I wonder if he knows what he puts me through when he goes low?

10:00 pm last night:

57

OJ

wait 15 minutes

test

54

Peanut butter

wait 15 minutes

test

48

He's getting grouchier by the moment. Refuses to drink water. Won't take a glucose tablet or a smartie. Refused those from the beginning. Starting to get paler (is that possible?) Blood pressure is dropping. He says he's tired. Doesn't want anything at all to eat right now. Doesn't want to test his sugar again. Just wants to go to sleep.

Do I walk over and smack him?

Do I start a rip roaring argument?

Obviously, he's still getting too much insulin. Will he remember in the morning? Well, at least he can look at his meter and see that he went low. But how do I get him to test a 4th, 5th and 6th time if he goes low?

Do I just let him go to sleep and pray that whatever happens, it will be ok?

Particularily rough day and I am exhausted already. Literally no strength left to give him an ounce of support. I'm so exhausted from the last 3 weeks that I'm sick to my stomach. Ever been that worn out? Can only think of once in my lifetime, I was 21 and had mono. Took me 6 weeks to recover from that.

He promises to test one more time. I tried so hard to stay awake, but I wasn't successful. The next thing I remember it was 6 am and a woodpecker was pounding on the side of the house, waking me up. Woke him up, too.

He said he fell asleep the same time I did. We looked at his meter and he did not test again. So no idea where his glucose was...but we both made it through the night,

I can't allow myself to do all the "what ifs". There is nothing left in me to expend on wasted worries.

Today, his left leg is on fire. It's where they took the vein(s) from. He is in severe pain. He has it elevated and has heat on it. We will keep an eye on it. Glucose is up to 157 this morning. Need to get it back down. Will retest in half hour.

Need to come up for a better word than exhausted. Drained? Zapped? Way too old for this? Overwhelmed? Burdened? And I'm getting a good 8 hours of sleep every night!

Hopefully we will both get caught up on rest this weekend,

DW

Endocrinology

Finally. The first time he has actually seen an endocrinologist. What's it been? 5 years I think. Nurse after nurse, but never a doctor. It was interesting that she felt his heart condition was heriditary while the surgeon said it was caused by his diabetes. Proof that no one physician is responsible for the overall person. They just break it down by speciality. So we have decided that together, we are going to insure he gets all the care he needs.

Today was good. We now have permission to drop doses by 2 cc every day that he goes low. Of course, we can raise by 2 as well.

We have an email address - somewhere to actually send the numbers from his meter to show how often he's going low.

We have a telephone number and a fax number.

More than he has ever had in the past.

We have a plan. He has lost 20 pounds and wants to take off another 40. When he gets to his goal, then she will look at taking him off the Humulin and back on the regular insulan.

Our goal is to see how much of this we can reverse. With good diet, good control and exercise.

Of course, he is only 2 weeks post op. I pray that he will stick with this. But I'm wise enough to know that it's up to him to continue with these changes.

Morning dose was 30, tomorrow will be 22. Evening dose was 17, tonight was 11. So nearly a 1/3 drop already, post surgery.

Still had 2 lows this afternoon, but we did not reduce this mornings dose, so the proof will be when he takes his bedtime glucose....he should not below if her theory holds true.

A good day.

DW

Humulin R U 500

Eli Lilly says that this product can increase your hypos.

DUH!

Hubby had 4 lows 2 days ago and the reduced his dose.

He had 2 lows yesterday.

Went to his GP today who said he needs to be in daily contact with endocrinology while he is having lows. So we stopped by that department onour way out and there was no one available. Not even a nurse!

He has been with his HMO since 2006. He has never once in all this time seen a doctor in the department - just a nurse.

I got mad. We came home and I called his diabetes nurse. She in turn, forwarded my voice mail to a diabetes patient advocate Good for her! The advocate was amazing. I think she was a bit shocked he had not seen a physician. She asked if he had requested to see on and I told her he had on multiple occassions and all he ever got was an appointment with a nurse!!!

Well, we have an appointment with a physician in the endocrinology at the main facility tomorrow. It's a 26 mile drive, but we don't care.

She also told us that any time he has a low, it's safe to lower the Humulin by 10%. She instructed us the dose to give tonight and in the morning.

At 2:30 pm, he went low. Had OJ. At 4 pm, he was low again. MoreOJ. Company interrupted his routine. He hasn't learned yet that testing is more important than company, but that's ok. He retested at 6 and was still low. More OJ. At 6:30 he retested and had come up a little. I suggested that he reduce the insulin even more, but he didn't want to. So he took her recommended dose tonight. Ate a huge dinner, but has been low since 8:30. OJ and PB every 15 minutes with another test. Still low. Took a double dose of OJ and we'll see where he is in another 5 minutes.

I have to say that today's lows - he didn't get all angry and nasty. He was pretty calm. Somewhat aggitated. But calm.

I am praying that the physician we see tomorrow can give him some relief. I'm sure with his new diet and exercise plan, he is getting way too much insulin. Compounded by the fact that Humulin creates additional lows. And an endo department that has basically ignored him up til this point.

Sigh.

DW

Jason said,

See, I agree. It IS all about discipline. When I was Dx'ed, I turned around and laughed at the nurse who told me I needed carbs to live. I did my reading/research, and took control.

I will not rely on anyone to deal with this, I have to.

I commend you for your efforts. I hope to hell your hubby has smartened up! I do caution you though: I come from a long line of diabetics, but a LONG-lived line. Dealing with it, making the change is the key. Test! Test! And Test some more.

I have got my avg from 17 mmols to 6.8 in just three weeks. I am young, and I refuse to throw away my chances of healthy living later on. I know that there might be a chance that I develop those symptoms, but I am gonna try my HARDEST to prevent that.

Hang in there. You are a warrior, and the fight will be won.

Jason, I applaud you!!! Kudos on your attitude. I know my hubby needs to test, test, test. But it's sure easier to know what he needs to do that it is to get him to do it. :o) I wish he had your attitude, that this was up to him. That he didn't rely on anyone else to help him through this. I think today, he's relying too much on me and I'm backing off. I'm giving him a time out.

Please do keep up the good work. You are so right - you have a chance to have a wonderful life. And because you are young, there is hope that medicine can grow so much in the coming years and perhaps, this disease can even be stopped.

My sincerest best wishes for your continued success!

DW

4 lows by 4 pm

I can't take it. Seriously. FOUR lows today. I know it's because he has changed his diet and he is exercising and they haven't reduced his insulin. But because he's on Humulin R U 500 - no one wants to mess with it. And his diabetic nurse is on vacation. He said he called and they wanted him to download his sugars. So he walked upstairs to get his meter cable. Remember, he just had open heart surgery and he is not supposed to do more than one set of stairs.

But he's in a low. So he doesn't have the ability to reason or remember. He's like a bull in a china shop.

He can't find the cable. He wants to know where it is, what I did with it. Of course, I haven't touched it and don't have a clue where he last had it - it was before surgery.

Hrumph. He said last night that he downloaded and sent his numbers to his nurse. Guess that was another lie. Are we back into our old patterns?

Oh, my mistake, he said he emailed her the numbers.

I seriously want to ask him for a copy of the email, but at that point - he would have gone ballistic. So I started looking through his drawers trying to find this cable. Note, he is a computer geek and there are at least 500 cables in his drawers/closte, etc. I don't find it. He's truly upset because I can't find it.

He says, "do we have any potatoes?"

I'm wondering why, thinking that he wants a baked potato and I say, "no, why do you want one?"

He looks at me like I'm an idiot and he says, "DO (pause) we (pause) have (pause) any (pause) potatoes?

I said, "we have raw potatoes in the pantry.

He said, can you bake me one?

I said, "Sweetie, we are having baked potatoes for dinner toinght."

He said, "that's 2 1/2 hours from now. I need one right now."

I said, "it will take an hour to bake it"

He said, "just put it in the microwave for 12 minutes".

So I did just that.

Then I asked him, "why do you want a potato? It's a fast acting carb."

He says, "no, it's long lasting carbs".

I said, "a potato is high glycemic, that means it's a fast acting carb."

He says, "look it up in the book - you don't know what you are talking about, you need to learn this stuff."

I go get the book, find the page, show him that it says "high".

He says, It's high in carbs and that's what I need right now, more carbs.

I said, "I think what you mean is that you need long acting carbs and a potato is a fast acting carb."

He said, "you don't have any idea what you are talking about!".

This is after he has had 2 things of smarties, a glass of orange juice, and 2 cookies.

(God help me. One of his employees sent him a gift basked filled to the brim with cookies and candies. Arrived at noon today. Must be an employee that wants him dead!)

I said to him, "I think you are a little confused right now."

He said, "get out. Just leave"

So I did. I walked upstairs and shut the door.

I can't help him when he's in a low. I can't do anything for him. But I did call the diabetic nurse and told her that I needed immediate help. I said I knew his nurse was on vacation but there has to be someone who can help me. I explained the whole scenario to her and she had me read the numbers to him from his machine. I did. She took it to the endocronologist and they called back in 10 minutes and are reducing his insulin starting today.

I am praying that tomorrow is a better day with less lows. How do other spouses handle the lows? I am already beyond exhausted from everything that we are doing as part of his cardiac rehab.....I can't take these lows and his argumentative moods. He has no idea how hurtful his words are. I can't take the blame. And I really do know what I'm talking about, but I know he's in a low and has no clue.

Want to know something funny? The baked potato is still in the microwave! :o)

DW

Discipline

You know, when I was a kid, my parents spanked me. Hard! They made me clean out the pig stall in the barn when I was bad (oh, how I absolutely hated that!) With each incident, my punishment was worse. There was no mercy. It was called discipline! They instilled in me a good strong set of values, a good work ethic, a whole lot of logic, and the knowledge of right and wrong.

They did not beat around the bush. They did not sugar-coat much of anything in life. They were honest people. God-fearing Christians. They did not spare the rod. The child was not spoiled. I grew up in a house with no TV. Ever! We rode horses, played in the barn, learned about life by watching farm animals and product growing in the fields.

Today, we have become such a sympathetic society. We sugar coat everything. We never spank our children. We rarely raise our voices to them. We entertain them more that we educate them. We try our best to make everything sound nice. We don't talk much about what is going on in the whole world - most of us are limited to what's going on in our neighborhood, our own town, perhaps even our state. We don't have much of a global vison about anything.

And we stuff anything into our kids to hush them up. We reward them with sugar. Every holiday or event is a reason to serve up sugar. On the news tonight they said this is the first generation that will live a shorter lifespan than their parents. How sad is that?

I think diabetes is the same thing. Mom was a visiting nurse when I was a kid. I remember her going to homes of people with diabetes. She would say to them, "if you keep eating all that chocolate they are going to have to cut off your foot." She did not mince words. Ever. She didn't tell them when it would happen, she just told them that it would. At church, they would take food to the shut-ins. Mom would never allow them to take sweets to a diabetic. She was quite adamant about that. She wasn't nice when it came to someone else's disease. It wasn't just diabetes....it was anything. She took the time to teach people how to take care of themselves, what to eat, how to change dressings. She was a wonderful caregiver. But she had no patience with people who did not do what it took to manage whatever it was they had wrong with them.

Today, diabetic nutritionists will tell you it's perfectly ok to have something sweet once in awhile. And I hear mom say, "yes, go ahead, eat it....and they will cut off your foot!" Everyone seems to sugarcoat the seriousness of this disease. And I think that's what's allowed my husband to remain in denial for so long.

How often has he said to me, "the doctor said I can eat anything I want."How often has he eaten a whole bag of twix bars in one setting? He has not exercised in the last 3 years. And I think it's because no one said to him, "go ahead, do that.....and they will be cutting off your foot!!!"

If we don't teach our children to look before they cross a street, they are going to get hit by a car one day. If we don't discipline them when they dart out into a street, there's a good chance they will get hit by a car. If you don't remove all the sweets, sugars, fat, etc., from your house, you are allowing your spouse (family member) to walk out into the street. And if you see them eating a candy bar or french fries, make sure you say to them, "Go ahead! One day they are going to cut your chest open right down the middle, rip your ribcage wide open, and do some bypasses and punctures into your heart!"

We really have to get those with diabetes to start thinking about what they are doing to themselves. And what they are doing to their spouses and families. We need to be blunt. You know, yank the ice cream cone out of their hand and smash it to the ground! I still say a person can give up sugar completely and totally. Not just baked goods, but other items that have a high sugar content in them! I know because I've done it. My hubby never gets offered anything sweet. Nothing with white flour in it. No potatoes. He was a bit upset when I pointed out that clam chowder has potatoes in it!

We have done this together, in phases.

Phase 1 - cut out all sugar,all baked goods, started this on December 26
Phase 2 - cut out all white flour, white potatoes
Phase 3 - reduce sodium to under 2000 per day (this is our current phase)
Phase 4 - cut out all sodas (we've started this phase as well. I haven't had any soda since December 26 and he is down to 1 can a day.
Phase 5 - reduce calories.

We decided that if we are giving up certain foods, we should be able to eat what we want of what's left that we can have. That has helped. But in 2 weeks, we start counting calories, sodium, fat.....we are going to do this.

Do you think I hate it? Beyond words! But I love him and want him around and know that if I don't do this, he won't. I know that if I don't get up in the morning and get on the treadmill, he won't. So, as his spouse, I probably have had to have more discipline than he does. So sad that it took open heart surgery to get him to see the light. Beyond words sad.

So no nice words today. No sugar coating anything. No making you feel good about anything. Just go back and look at yesterdays numbers and look at the number you circled, then decide how much discipline you have. Take it upon yourself - don't put that burden on your spouse. Just do it.

DW