Another break from "real" life!

Just wanted to post that I'm back visiting my girlfriends and having a 10 day break, teaching creative classes, and having a blast. This trip, the place I teach at paid my airfare, are putting me up and providing me a car to drive, so absolutely no expense on my part - but I'm teaching 23 classes in 8 days, so it's "work"! LOL! (Well, if you can call this work!)

At least I'm getting a break, jumping over in the the left side of my brain, and for the most part, completely and totally escaping from real life.

Went to the opening of Mamma Mia with 14 women - now that was a hoot! And went to a musical that another friend is producing. So it's been a fun trip so far!

Hubby keeps trying to call me, but can't get me when he "needs" me as I'm just not answering the phone in the middle of a class, so I think this is really good for him! I've chatted with him about once a day and he seems to be doing just fine. The store where I'm doing classes is already planning to host me again in 6 weeks, so I'm thinking this could be my caregiver respite on an ongoing basis. I'll just have to work hard at making that work for me!

DW

New foot problems

I continue to be amazed at some aspects of this "journey". This week, his right foot has swollen up something terrible. In the area just above the toes. And the top of the skin looks like it would if you got a floor burn. You can almost see red blood through the skin, an area about 2" in diameter. I asked him what happened and he said, nothing, it just showed up.

So, of course, he can't wear shoes and his sandals hurt his feet and I know it's really hard for him to walk on the bottoms of his feet barefoot. Sigh.

He also had a migraine headache that lasted about 5 days. It's gone now, but he was pretty much flat on the sofa the entire time.

7:15 on Friday night and he's gone off to bed. Pretty sad.

DW

The amazing body

He is sleeping on the sofa right now. Snoring like all get out. The interesting thing is that his feet will go through spasms of severe shaking when he stops breathing due to his sleep apnea. It's like his feet shake to alert him that he needs to breathe. I think this is just an amazing pattern and think the bod is incredible.

Looking at his feet, the carcot and gout are just as bad as ever, but no open sores, so much to be thankful for.

He was awake most of last night with a severe migraine headache which has stayed with him almost all day. He didn't eat anything til 3:00 pm. And he's been sleeping since 4 pm. (It's 6:30 now). I'm oping when he wakes up the headache will be gone.

I really should get the video camera out and shoot his shaking foot, his snoring, his sleep apnea. Problem is by the time I found the camera, he'll be awake.

DW

A new day -

I have no idea what that was, but I woke up this morning and I'm perfectly OK. Wonder if it was an allergic reaction of some kind. I seriously thought I was going to have to go to ER yesterday morning because I just could not breathe. Last night I just hurt so bad in my chest, just like pneumonia. But today - I'd swear I never had anything wrong. Just amazing.

So, can you have an allergic reaction to a non-compliant spouse? LOLOLOL!!!!

OK - you gotta have some humor in this! :O)

And he is so much better today. Like last night never happened. We're back working on re-doing his office. More cables. I swear, can a computer geek have too many cables? NOT!!! But it is all starting to come together and it will be very nice. He finally has all his computer books and software in one place, the printers are all working finally (we had a problem with the network and 2 printers had been non-functioning for months. So progress! Yeah!

It's been a good day! Vacation is almost over, tomorrow he goes back to work.

DW

I'm so sick....

Not sure, but it feels like the pneumonia is back. Sigh. So we came home early and I was just sitting on the sofa, resting, had the heating pad on. Had been resting for a couple of hours and picked up my laptop, and started answering emails. He came downstairs and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Burger King or McDonald's with him to get something. I said, "let me finish this email first" and kept typing. He paces the kitchen and says again, "are you ready"? I said, "no, just let me finish". He got mad and walked out the door. Got himself dinner. Nothing for me.

I find it so amazing - I'm sick and he can't wait 2 minutes (ok, it had probably been less than that) for me to finish and email, close the top of my laptop and get untangled from my cords. And in all seriousness, I had finished the email, put my hand up to close the laptop when he walked out the door. I just sat there in shock. That was 4 hours ago. He hasn't said a word to me since. He came home and went upstairs to the bedroom. And I don't even feel well enough to care. I fixed a cheese sandwich half an hour ago.

He's off again tomorrow. I may have to go shopping all day long. I keep saying that I love him and I'm going to stay. Tonight I wonder why? What on earth is wrong with me that I put up with this? I'm the one who is sick, trying to divert pneumonia again. Problem is, I'm too sick to care, just wanted to write this note to myself.

denial vs escape

Anonymous wrote:

I can say this since I am a woman type-two diabetic.....I tend to lose myself in movies like your husband does in order to escape from a life which has become a nightmare devoid of any happiness or real hope for the future.

so here's my next question. Is this "escape" or is it denial? Because I see it as a form of denial. He loses himself in movies and does not deal with such things as testing, eating right, etc.

And how different is escape from denial? Are they the same thing or are they different?

Escape means to break loose from confinement, to avoid a serious or unwanted outcome, to succeed in avoiding

Denial is the act of refusing to comply, asserting something alleged is not true

Not much difference at all.

My husband immerses himself in horror movies, sci fi, etc. I truly believe it allows him to escape "real" life so that he can continue to live in his denial of his disease.

Today, I faced it square in the face. He has said that he has put on 25 -30 pounds this past year. We have a Polaris 2-up ATV. He has put on so much weight, that although his stomach still starts where it did last year, right behind the handles, the rest of him protrudes at least 6 inches more towards me. He was literally squeezing my legs and thighs into the real handle bars. I didn't figure this out until over half way through our ride and I just wanted to cry out of sadness. The ATV did not change shape or size, and I'm wearing the very same jeans I wore last summer. But my legs were totally pinned due to his girth. Truly sad when you have to face this head on.

It will probably be my last ATV ride because my left hip and thigh are totally black and blue tonight. Each time we hit a bump, the weight of his body jammed my leg into the corner of the ATV sticking out. I did not enjoy the ride at all due to the pain. I'm sitting on a heating pad, hoping it will just resolve itself.

I'm going to guess he has put on between 30 - 50 pounds this past year. I know that his waist is now 42". This is a large man. And I think I grieved somewhat today the loss of the fun of riding on an ATV.

I thought we were going to die!

Pulling an ATV on a trailer over a freeway and he started to pull out into the left lane to pass the slow poke in front of us and didn't see the truck coming up on his left. Nearly lost control pulling too far back to the right.

His reflexes are definitely slowing down and I wonder if his perifial vision is failing him? I saw the truck trying to pass us from the passenger side.

OK, all I can do is just keep praying. Fortunately, today, we are safely at our destination. I'm almost afraid to go out on the ATV with him tomorrow and no, he won't let me drive! Definitely a "guy" thing! LOL!

Vacation time

He slept til 11:30!!! Well, I guess he's on vacation - but I did find myself checking on him just to make sure he was OK! It's worse than having a baby! LOL!

We had a very stress free day. Actually quite normal and fun. He has been on a modified atkins for 2 days now. No, he refuses to test his blood sugar levels, but I'm keeping an eye out for signs of lows.

He is having trouble with his left eye. Note, he has had cornea transplants and wears 2 pairs of contacts, hard over soft. So today, he was not able to wear the contacts in the left eye. He asked me to drive him to a get together with his staff, and I did. It was a nice outing. I'm hoping the weekend will remain the same way!

His vacation ends next Tuesday. We're planning on riding the ATV this weeekend with my sis and her hubby, so it should be great!

Normal living. It's great when it happens! :o)

Diabetic parents of diabetic children

I think this must be my week of questions. That, or things are starting to solidify in my brain and more questions are popping up.

I'm going to write a scenario here and change the names to protect the "innocent"! LOL!


Let's say you have a non-compliant diabetic father - let's call him Howard. And he has an adult son who is age 30 who is also a non-compliant diabetic. We'll call him Greg. Now, Greg has an 8 year old son who is not a diabetic (yet). We'll call him Tim.

Both Howard and Greg both have extreme highs and lows in their sugar levels. When they go low, they get angry and yell and scream at anyone around them. But they don't remember yelling or screaming at all.

Greg grew up this way. Being verbally abused as a child when his father had lows.

Tim is being raised this way, verbally abused by a dad who yells at him all the time.

Neither Greg or Howard comprehend that they are verbal abusers - simply because they do not remember the things that they said or the things that they did during their lows.

Greg does not think his father has ever done anything wrong with him - based on the presumption that whenever his dad was low and yelling at him, he was low at the same time and did not remember the things his father said to him.

Tim, not diabetic, no lows, good memory, will come to understand that he is being abused because his teachers at school are noticing changes in his behavior and are talking to him about what's going on at home. Tim will grow up knowing that he is a verbally abused child and he will know why. He will know that his father was completely unaware of what was being said, of what was going on because he was in a low at the time he was angry.

But how many children of diabetic adults grew up being abused, understand they were abused, but do not know that their parents have absolutely no recollection of this because they were in a low (or high) when the event occurred?

I met a 30 something woman not too long ago who told me she was horribly verbally abused as a child. Later in the conversation she told me that her dad was a diabetic who just refused to take care of himself. Something totally clicked in me and I started asking her questions. She realized that her dad probably had been in a low with each outburst and probably had no idea what he had said or done to her over the years. Now, how sad is that?

And where are the studies on the relationship between parents who are diabetics and children who are abused? I'll just bet that ratio is pretty high!

Where are all the resources for spouses?

I see loads of stuff for parents of kids with diabetes. I see loads of stuff to support families of compliant diabetics. But where are the helps, the supports, the suggestions, ideas for spouses and adult children of non-compliant diabetics?

I have read thousands of webistes that tell you what to do to get better if you are the diabetic. But nothing that tells you how to live with a person who doesn't follow those suggestions.

I've read all the books written on this subject (I think) and only one barely touched the subject - and it was written for adult children of non-compliants (don't ask - I wouldn't remember the book!)

I've read so much about how to prevent diabetes as well.

I've also found frightening little about ESRD - from the standpoint of family life once that sets in, caregiver help, etc.

I've read lots of stuff where they tell the family to be supportive of the diabetic person. Tells you to change your own diet to match that of a diabetic, to only stock the foods they will eat in the house,

that all assumes that the diabetic will be compliant. I see no reason to give up chocolate any more. I gave it up for 7 months and he simply went to the store and bought candy and cookies whenever he wanted them and ate them in front of me!

So, where is the support for families of non-compliant diabetics? Anyone found it yet?

Writing about my experiences

MS.b wrote:

I have some friends who are widows of diabetics but they refuse to talk about their experiences. They will just shrug my questions off and say, oh, that seems like a long time ago. It is like they do not want to remember their beloved dh's health decline. Always remember that there are other wives' out in the world how look to your blog for information and support. There is not a lot of information out there about dealing with these issues.



Here's my thoughts: It is extremly difficult to live with a non-compliant diabetic. It is personally so painful for me. Do I let him have a candy bar when I know it could put him into a coma? How much do I argue with him about diet? Fight to make him eat right? Do I just give up, give in and let him do whatever he wants?

And then when he dies, do I live with the guilt? Do I blame myself? Do I wish I had tried harder, yelled more, been more demanding that he take better care of himself?

I can only imagine their personal pain. I can understand that they want to forget about it, not remember the pain and grief, and get on with life - move as far away from the pain of this as they possibly can.

I know, because I swear, I will never have anything to do with diabetes the rest of my life, once this is over.

I have so many days where I want to hit the delete key and just delete this entire blog. When I read back over what I have written, it only serves to remind me of my personal pain in this journey.

But then I remember the very reason why I started this blog. There is so very little written from the view of a spouse of a non-compliant diabetes. There is no help. No support. And prior to this blog, I just felt completely alone in this. I felt like no one understood at all. And now, I do know differently.

It is extremely hard and painful to write what I write. There are so many hateful comments, people who say I don't love him, people who claim it is all about me, people who tell me to leave him. But there are also those who write a simple "I understand" and I know they do and I know I'm not alone in this.

Very few people write about their feelings when they lose their child to death in a car accident. Fewer write about their pain when a child is murdered. I imagine this is similar. It is hard to find the words to express the pain, the loss, the grief. I write about him killing himself one cell at a time. I write so that his children might one day read and know that he did this to himself. I write so that when he dies, I will reread this and hopefully understand and remember that there was not a single thing I could have done to help him, that these are his choices and that I cannot change him. I write so that I will not blame myself, that I will remember that I cannot blame him, that his disease has progressed to the point where there is no one to blame, it is just what it is and we live one day at a time.

I write so that others who are seeking answers can know that there isn't much out there on this topic written from the perspective of someone actually living this on a day-to-day basis.

And I write most hopefully so other diabetics will read this and take care of themselves so that their spouses do not endure this most horrible pain of watching the person they so desperately love, die, one cell at a time.

Tonight, I am on the second night of a 2 day break away from home. Taking care of the caregiver, giving myself a mini respite at my sisters. One of my most important lessons. Take care of me so that when I get home, I can smile at whatever faces me.

DW

How do you tell

if he's getting worse or not? It's like he bounces from one problem to another. This morning, I think he was having a high. Extremely sensitive. And to top it off his desktop monitor quit working and of course, he blamed it on me. Started yelling and I made up an excuse to run to Walmart to get out of the house. Came back an hour later, monitor working and he was just all happy to see me and started talking about renewing our wedding vows in 3 1/2 years at our 10 year anniversary. (While my brain is thinking - we'll be lucky if I'm here in 3 1/2 months! LOLOL!)

About 1:30, I saw him eating some smarties and asked if he was having a low and he said he was starting to crash. So there's today's high and low that average out to a normal A1c. Sigh.

He decided he wants all new office furniture - and just a year ago he threw a fit when I suggested he get new furniture. (More of the roller coaster ride).

His back is hurting him so much he can barely move. Lower back. He said he called the doctor and they scheduled him for an appointment in 3 weeks. I suggested we go to the ER. I mean - he can't move! So then he started moving. Well, you can tell that it hurts, but at least he is moving. I suppose if it gets real bad, he will call the doctor back. And of course, he could well be lying and never have called the doc at all.

It just seems like he is having more and more angry then happy spells, changing his mind on things, and loss of memory. I am trying my best to just roll with the punches, not take anything real serious, and take care of the caregiver - as much as I can. And pray. I do think prayer has become a much bigger part of my life. After all, it is a form of meditation and that helps.

DW

Dear Widow of Diabetic,

Where do I start with my questions? I must have thousands. How do you stay aware of the difference between changes in his personality that are directly related to diabetes and those that are just part of the aging process? When do they start dialysis? Do you share with anyone else that he is incontinent? How do you tell your own mother that you are doing great when she can read you like a book?

What are the things that happen to him physically before they diagnose him as ESRD?

I keep thinking nothing else can go wrong, but then it does.

How do they go blind? Overnight? Both eyes at the same time? or does the vision just progress until they can no longer see with correction? My DH has had cornea transplants, wears hard lense over soft lenses and readers. I just don't know how he sees a thing. He spends an absolute fortune on the latest in HD TV stuff. Movies are his life. What happens when he can no longer see them?

When do you say "no" to caring for him? To doing all the driving? To running up and down the stairs fetching whatever it is that he wants?

OK, those are just for start.

This week, he is still having wild, strange dreams all night long and is not getting any rest. The skin around his eyelids is looking very pink - compared to the rest of him looking gray/white. He has slept almost this entire weekend. It's 7:30 pm and he's gone to bed for the night.

I think I'm just tired. :o)

DW

Father's Day blues

This has nothing to do with diabetes, but everything to do with how a non-compliant diabetic reacts. He woke up in a totally foul mood today. Just a completel grump. I thought he needed to eat, so offered to take him out for Father's Day. Seems the problem was that his 33 year old daughter had said she would come visit today and then he did not hear from her after that conversation a month ago. But then, he did not call her to follow-up either.

My son (his step-son) called to wish him a Happy Father's Day and that at least put a smile on his face. But he sat here and sulked and sank into an even deeper depression as the day went on. He didn't want to do a thing (was waiting for the phone to ring) and the longer it went without ringing, the worse his mood got.

I can't help but think part of this is just normal, but part has to do with sugar levels being out of whack, on-going depression already in place due to meds, and his recent state of being lethargic all the time.

His son finally did call him at 9:30 pm tonight. His daughter never called and never showed up. I feel so sorry for him. I know he dearly loves his kids and they treat him horribly. I'd have to say that overall, today was about a minus 10. I'm so tired. I think the caregiver needs to take care of herself tomorrow.

No energy to even think about posting.

I just can't do this. I can't keep up with him, with my life, with our existence. I am beyond exhausted. Just cleaning up the crap after him. The whole house smells of urine and I know it's from the depends. He refused to take the trash out and I find myself going nuts taking out the trash, washing his sheets, just trying to keep up with the smell and nothing else. I don't know what I'm going to do. Tonight is really bad.

I have moved into the guest bedroom and it is pleasant in here. But the moment I walk outside, I smell it. We have a trash can for the upstairs out in the hall and I guess tomorrow I will move that into the master bedroom. At least get that smell out of the hallway. Sigh.

He is sleeping almost all the time these days. Part of me thinks that's a blessing. The other part of me is just so bored I could just scream. When he is awake, he just lays on the sofa and watches TV. Today, he got up at 11 am. Went back to sleep at 2 pm. Woke up at 5 pm. and then dozed until 7:30 when he went upstairs to bed. This seems to be a daily pattern. He says he is not sleeping well at night, is having really strange dreams. I suggested it might be side effects from some of his drugs. He said "no".

I do think he is really depressed right now. And he refuses to tell his doctor. I have been doing all of the yardwork this summer and I know that has me worn out as well. I just can't maintain a yard that is over 2/3 acre. Those weeds grow way faster than I can move these days! LOL!

It scares me to think about what we are going to do next. I'm having a terrible time just sorting through things trying to downsize. It seems to be taking forever. But I am working on it, slow but sure.

Got an offer to travel and demo with a manufacturer for the rest of the summer. Will make 5 or 6 weekend trips with them and I totally jumped on the chance to get out of the house even for a few weekends.

Oh, he said he went to his doctor this week and there have been no changes in any of his levels. I really wish I could see the lab results, but he won't share them with me. I just have a feeling in my gut that he is not telling the whole truth. Someone said they think he treats me like an employee - he only tells me what he wants me to know. My thoughts - employees do quit! :o)

DW

Kidney stones

This morning he went to bed about 9:30 am and did not get back up until about 2:30 pm. Tonight he told me he thought he had been passing a kidney stone. He said he hasn't had one in about 20 years. He thinks it has passed.

He is just not sticking to the "diet" at all. Tonight we went out and he had a hamburger and fries. Exactly what he does not need.

He said he thought he might be depressed. I suggested talking to his doctor and perhaps going on meds for that. He just blew me off. As usual. But he did say that he wondered if that is why he sleeps all the time.

He has also reversed his position this week on downsizing and moving to a 1 level condo. Now he says we are staying here and installing an elevator. But I think that's ridiculous. It doesn't solve the issues of getting a wheelchair into a bathroom. Just trying to think about what is best for us for the future. I just can't keep up with the cleaning, gardening and yardwork. It is exhaustive.

optic migraines

Yesterday, he said he was having a whole series of optic migraines. He described them as huge white spots in the middle of his vision. He said he has had them in the past and has talked to his doctor about them. He just sits for about 15 minutes and they go away. No headache with them.

And his right rotator cuff is giving him fits. This morning he said he did not sleep for the pain. So I asked if he needs to go see the doctor for that and he said, "I might".

I'm wondering if optic migraines are a precurser to diabetic blindness.

DW

Change?

We have booked a cruise for this fall and he has started a diet. He has stuck with it for 4 whole days! And he says that on June 1, tomorrow, he is going to start and exercise program. Of course, I am joining him. I am soooo excited! I hope and pray this is what he needs to turn his eating around and take off the 50 pounds he has put on in the past year.

Good things this week!

DW

quiet week

Things are going pretty well. He still has lows and I go for a walk, get out of the house, etc. His next round of medical appointments starts some time in June. We are eating out less, eating more fresh fruit and veggies. He promised to walk today, but didn't. We'll see if he walks tomorrow.

He's back

Pretty funny. He liked what i had done with the dining room. But claimed the guest bedroom is too "feminine". Well...it's where I sleep now...what did he expect? LOL!

He is sleeping. I knew he would. Travel drains him. He carried his bag upstairs and then had to sit on the corner of the bed for 10 minutes trying to get his breath. I almost asked him if he needs oxygen. His toe is still horribly infected and it almost looks like he has a gout infection in his right foot. He said that both of his hands are just wracked with pain. Well, that's a new one for me, but I took a look and sure enough, he has gout nodules all over his fingers, just like on the bottom of his feet.

Poor guy! I can't even imagine what is next. But we will continue to take this one day at a time.

Cpap machine

Sometimes, I just don't notice much in life. Today, for some reason, I woke up and saw his cpap machine sitting beside his bed. That means he went on this trip without it.

One more indication to me that he has no inclination whatsoever to take care of himself.

update

he flew home Monday and back out this morning. This is a business trip and he's gone for a week. He wasn't home long enough for anything to be discussed...but I'm making changes in my own life. Going to cut back, clean out, downsize so we can hopefully sell this house next year and move into a condo...or a 1 level house.

He has a horrible infection in the 2nd toe on his left foot. Is oozing puss. He is limping when he walks. We did go to the store yesterday and he bought new walking shorts....size 40 waist. 3 years ago his waist was 34. He did not use his CPap either night he was home. But he only had one giant Milky Way bar. I can only imagine what he will eat this next week. Somehow, I just don't care. I plan to just enjoy the solitude, work in my studio, continue to finish remodeling the guest bedroom, and take care of me.

DW

Mother's Day

He has flown to be with his mom....I spent today with mine. Tomorrow, I plan a very quiet day of solitude, totally alone, in my own home. My "gift" to me on Mother's Day!

I think it will be wonderful!

I'm sure my boys will call. But other than that, I plan to sit back and enjoy the quiet. Perhaps a long bubble bath, maybe a full day of chick flicks.

I wish each of you a truly peaceful, quiet, non-stressful day.

DW

How can he not know?

It truly does amaze me at times. Ok, all of the time. I joined his staff for a "happy hour" last night and one of his employees was telling me how my hubby was slurring all of his words in a staff meeting 2 weeks ago. I explained that was the meds he wason for his cracked ribs.

My hubby is sitting right there and he says, "I did not slur my words!"

So not only have I told him that he did, but a co-worker also told him. And he still doesn't remember, or worse yet, believe, that he slurred them so bad no one could understand a thing he was saying.

I'm starting to think that the nerve endings in his brain cells are dead! LOL!

And ok, I have to LOL or I'd be sitting here crying.

Current status:

Sleeps in til about 8 am, gets on morning business calls. Takes a long nap from about 10 am - 1 pm, eats a bite, gets on afternoon calls. Day ends about 4 pm and he takes a nap til 6 pm. Dinner. Upstairs in bed to watch more TV about 7:30 pm.

His eyes are looking quite pink around the eyelid this week. But the rest of him is a grey/white. Still in depends 24/7. The tale-tell signs of the toilet bowls are an indication that bowel incontinence is still here. I don't think the meds are helping a bit. He's been on them at least 6 weeks now. No idea how he thinks he going to take 2 trips in the next 2-3 weeks. We will see how he manages.

I plan to bury myself in my art and with my friends while he is away. :o)

Home

I think the man missed me! LOL! But he is in pretty bad shape. His ribs have not healed. Every sneeze, cough, movement makes him wince. I can almost feel the pain. Poor guy.

On the drive home from the airport, I just decided to be gutsy. Told him all the changes I wanted to make. He didn't agree. But he did not disagree. I told him I'm going to go to every medical appointment he has...I don't care what it is. And that he should call his doctor tomorrow and get and OK to fly to visit his parents this week as I don't think he's well enough to go. Wasn't really a demanding conversation as I was joking quite a bit. But I do think he at least heard me. We'll see what happens. But I'm going to push him tomorrow to call his doctor.

He's just so happy to have me home I think he'll do anything I ask....for the next 2-3 days.

Why do I stay?

L wrote:

"May I ask, honestly, why you won't consider leaving permanently?

You are very frank in your blog about your unhappiness and your husband's inability to change his ways. It sounds like you are really a different person being apart from him.

What keeps you there? Is it shared history? Religion? A fear of how he will manage without you?"

Well, in all honesty, I have truly, deeply, honestly considered leaving him. More than once. And it was a huge part of my extended 3 week vacation right now. I needed time to think and come to a turning point in my life. Religion has no part in this. Fearing how he will manage without me isn't a consideration either. Shared history is a big part. Love is a huge factor. I truly do love him. When he is "normal" he is a complete delight to be around. When I have the man I fell in love with....I am at my happiest.

And for now, the times that he is still "here" are worth staying for. I know...love is blind! LOL!

I think what I have learned these past 3 weeks is that yes, I need to take care of the caregiver (me). I need to take a few more breaks. I need to develop a little more of a career/job/occupation for me. I don't know if that will be in art...or if I will return to the workforce. But I need to do something to have a goal, or a reason to be busy a little bit more.

Aren't we all different when we are away from our spouses? I know I'm more rested. I do believe I'm finally over my pneumonia. My chest feels fine....not tight like it was. No wheezing sounds. It's warm here and I've been out walking as well which is great. I forget how much I miss walking when I get cooped up inside the house during the winter snow months. And I've been surrounded by great friends, lots of creative play, loads of smiles and warm hugs, happy reunions and such.

I'm going home tomorrow and I'm going to stay. But somehow, I feel in my bones that things are going to be different. Maybe they have to be. And I can hear a little something in his voice. He had a sneezing attack yesterday and really hurt his ribs again, so he took another pain pill...it made him loopy again. Today, he said he wanted me to come home and tell him if he was ok or not. I told him that from the sound of his voice alone, I could tell that he still had the drugs in him and I asked him to not take another one of them until after I got home. Do not need him driving to the airport under the influence of something so strong. 22 hours after he took the pill, he was still slurring his words. Truly scary.

But my saving grace is the fact that I do know I can walk out any time. I won't do it on the spur of the moment. I will take another break and seriously think about it. But I do have that option. Every single one of us has that option every day of our lives. And I can stay another day knowing that I have that option.

DW

Surviving vs Living

I thought the comment that ended in "we all survive" was so interesting. It got me to thinking about this. Yes, I do know that as spouses of diabetics...we all survive. But do we live?

I've got just a few more days before I go back home. I have been "living"......TRULY living....for the first time in a long time, while here. I haven't had to listen to his angry outbursts. No one has been flopping their body in my bed at night. No sleep apnea with all it's gasps for air. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night for a single thing. Haven't seen a needle, a pricker, any prescription bottle.....

I have been living.

And it's been wonderful.

I don't want to go back to "surviving". I want to continue "Living".

But I know if I go back to him, which I will do, I will go back to just surviving.

I do feel renewed. And I'm hoping it will last a few weeks!

I will probably go into a depression and a deep funk when I get back. You all will have to pull me out of it! :o)

For the moment....I'm going to enjoy the heck out of the next few days!!!

How to contact me

Anonymous. I was starting to worry and am glad you signed on. But I understand, it is a huge risk.

My whole blog is a HUGE risk on my part and it's a very big part of why I do so much to keep my ID hidden. If my hubby could ever prove this was me (like he is going to go search the net regarding non compliant diabetics???) he would kick me out in a heartbeat! And probably threaten me in the process.

A few of my close friends know about this blog. No one else in my immediate life.

But....you can email me :

diabeteswife@yahoo.com

I will check there about once a week to see if I have any notes. And I can share my telephone number that way.

I get tons of anonymous emails, so be sure to let me know who you are!

And anyone can create an email acount via yahoo. I know many do not like to use yahoo....but it really is a safe way to email via the internet in an anonymous fashion.

I know that talking...just hearing another voice, does matter. Knowing that we are not alone...that there are others who share our same fears and concerns, hearing their stories....does help.

I think in the 2 years that I have blogged here, only one other spouse has posted that they stayed with the diabetic until death. I can certainly understand why. It is not an easy journey.

And yes, I know you love him. Just as much as I love mine. But love does not make this an easy life at all. It doesn't ease the pain...if anything, it might make it more difficult to sit there and watch the person you love so much let their life go one cell at a time because they won't follow the rules!

I had dinner last night with a very special friend of mine. He used to be my church choir director. He is a diabetic. He said about a year ago he got so frustrated with all the meds that he quit them cold turkey. His sugar went up to 600!!! I just about came unglued! I told him everything that was going on with my husband and said, "Do you want to be walking around in depends all day long in 6 years???" I could see in his eyes that the "light" was turned on. I think he made some life changing choices last night. It was the first time I had told anyone about my hubby's depends. But I do not want another person to go through this. He is 6 years younger than my husband.

I feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it! LOLOL!

I think I'm almost ready to go home! 3 more days of teaching classes and shopping, resting by the seashore. It's all been amazingly wonderful!!!

DW

Researching insulin pumps

I guess I should share some of my past "medical research" history. I raised a son who was a severe asthmatic before internet access....and a son who had a severe seizure disorder. In the days before patient advocates. I was their only advocate and spent hours in medical libraries doing research on both their medical conditions. And simply asking pointed questions to their providers in order to get them to think about proper treatment plans.

So I've done the research on this as well. And when someone who provides medical equipment wants to post that 100% of thier patients have had success with their pumps....I will simply hit the "reject" button.

Why? Mainly because I want to hear from the SPOUSE....NOT the patient...that it was a success!

Have I learned my lesson with this disease or what? Non-compliant diabetics are in such denial they will claim success with anything and everything! So if you are a provider....take note, start surveying the spouses. IF the patient even still has a spouse! Talk to the children, How about co-workers? A much better judge of "success" than the patient.

And "Joel", I have an MBA. I know full well that you can make statistics say anything you want. :o) My hubby has a perfect a1c because he has enough highs and lows during a 24 hour period that they balance out to a normal average. So much for numbers!

to quote part of what you wrote, "Diabetes is just a word, not a sentence". I disagree. Diabetes IS a sentence. Every remaining moment of your life totally depends on whether you choose to be compliant or non-compliant. Your moods, your anger, your attitude....is all completely controlled by whether you manage your highs and lows, or choose not to manage them. Diabetes in a non-compliant person is truly a sentence for their spouse and their family.

Anonymous: Yes, it probably is too late for an insulin pump for hubby. If you took one look at his feet, you would wonder how he has managed to escape amputation to this point. Again, hubby refuses to test even once a day. He will only test when he "thinks" he is high. Sigh.

Christine. I think from my research, you are right on. Thank you fo rposting what you wrote. My hubby is not willing to do any o fthis. Perhaps his physicians recognize this and it's why they do not push him to get a pump. Count carbs? He would just guess and enter a number. So I agree, he would be worse off doing things like that.

I know many of you do not believe me, but I am seriously trying to paint a picture of what life is like with a totally non-compliant diabetic. I'm sure each one is different. But I'm getting enough comments from other spouses to start to think there are quite a few common threads that we all experience. Perhaps it's just a whole different world trying to live with someone who is non-compliant. Probably much like an alcoholic who won't quit drinking and is drinking himself to death.

Today, he was in a pretty foul mood on the phone. I could tell he's not doing well. So I'm glad I'm still on "vacation" and don't have to deal with his moods. I'm almost dreading going home. 5 more days of peace and quiet. I'll enjoy every moment of what's left!

Now, you also need to remember that I have a husband who's test strips...the Rx box....is dated 2001!!! That should give you a clue as to how often he will test himself. To even think that he might test once a day? let alone 6 - 8 times a day.....simply put....insane! He is NOT about to do that. So how could putting him on a pump work? It would truly have to be 100% maintenance free. Testing equals maintenance.

insulin pumps

I thought I'd write about them today. My hubby does not have one and REFUSES to get one. Why?

They require "work".

They are not 100% maintenance free.

It is an outward sign of anotherwise unseen disease.

It is an admission that you have this disease, so you really can no longer deny it.

Now remember, this is a man who will tell you that diabetes is a disease of the pancreas AND NOTHING ELSE!!!

And although his kidney function is down to 25%....he will repeat over an over that this is NOT diabetes because diabetes only impacts the pancreas.

He truly is brilliant at finding ways to deny there is anything wrong with him at all. And I do have to giggle....ok, admit it...what guy ever admits his own faults? And I'm sure my hubby sees his low functioning kidneys as a "fault".

And once again, I cannot make life choices for him. He has to do them himself. He has heard the advice of his doctors. He refuses to accept what they tell him is best for him. So no pump for now for all the reasons above. I'm living with a man who has made a choice to die, to live the remaining time he has the way he wants, gobbling down one bag of potato chips and chasing that with a bag of chocolate!

How sad is that?

A joyful day!

I started out getting early to the store where I am teaching while on "vacation". And the owner gifted me with a craft tool that retails for $150.00! What a great way to start my day!

I've taught at this store before and today, the class was filled with women who I've met in the past. So it was nothing short of a grande reunion.

Then 3 more "old" pals showed up to interrupt the class with so much fun, my jaws still hurt from smiling!

I used to live in this city and have been gone for quite some time....so it's always fun to come "home" and see so many of my friends. Women who knew me "pre diabetes". Women who are very blunt about asking me about the dark circles under my eyes....and rather than explaining.. I just laugh and tell them it's my old age!

There was so much joy today. Such a nice change. So refreshing. So uplifting to know that I can still find this in my life. Truly helps to renew the spirit and refresh the soul!

Joy. Have you found it lately?

Ahhhhhh....

Ever have one of those "ah......" moments? I'm having one now! Alone in my bedroom at my girlfriend's house. Quiet. Peaceful. No one next to me with restless leg syndrome or sleep apnea. No one snoring. No one wearing depends. It's just plain quiet.

How I have missed this! To the point where I almost forgot what it was. I can think. I can clear my head. I am just wrapping myself up in the peace, the quiet, the tranquility of all of this.

It's truly wonderful. Refreshing. Energizing. I may have to come back every 2-3 months and get my spirit refreshed! I still have 6 more days here and I plan to enjoy every single moment of it!

Ahhhhh........

:o)

The truly scary part of being the spouse of a diabetic

Dear Anonymous. Rather than go back to the other blogs, I'm going to respond to your comments in a new blog. It's the easiest way I know how.

First...is he still gone? I was a little confused on that one. Did he move out? If it were me, I would get an attorney. I can't begin to fathom and angry diabetic, moving out in a huff, leaving me with children at home. More on that below.

You wrote:

" I have had some issues in dealing with some of the things my normally loving husband said to me during one of his last outbursts. I've been really down. He attacked me on every level - being a parent, my family, my business, my housekeeping, my friendships, and finally my faith. Then he sleeps it off, doesn't really apologize (because I don't think he remembers anything or he's a expert on everyone else) and expects me to just pick myself up by my boot straps & smile & laugh"

That was me 2 years ago. And yes, the words hurt so much that I would cry for days on end. That old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt" just is not true. Words hurt to the very core of your being as they are nothing less than abuse. And of course he sleeps it off and then expects you to forget just like he has forgotten all about it.

I think it's one of the hardest things a spouse has to endure. The tirades that occur during a low that the diabetic will never remember....but are like a fresh stab to the heart forever to you.

" I have 2 children, so I have to keep a good front for them. He expects the whole world to revolve around him - his day, his recreation, his needs. In my last post I shared I have no one to talk to. Well he stormed out this morning. I was in a wonderful mood - beautiful day. He packed up all of his clothes & he's gone. This was all because when he got up in the middle of the night I asked him if he remembered to take his meds. I ask him this about once a week. He yelled at me, Have you taken yours? I don't take any. Thankfully, our teenage children are oblivious."

You may think your children are oblivious. But they are not. In some fashion, their father's anger is abuse and they are growing up with that. If you read one of my recent posts where I was chatting with the adult child of a diabetic father...she knew she grew up with abuse but had not associated it with her father's sugar lows and was shocked when I explained that he probably had no recollection of it. Yet she remembers it so vividly.

You do have me to talk to now, and a lot of other spouses who are slowly coming forward. I think a natural evolution of abuse is to think it's all our fault, that we are the "imperfect" spouse, that we "deserve" this kind of treatment, or that there is something "wrong" with us. We tend to clam up. To "believe" it is all our fault. Trust me, I was right where you are 2 years ago. I just cried so much my hubby told me I was insane. Of course....he also blamed everything on "my midlife crisis" and to this day...he thinks "I'm better because menopause is over". He is so completely clueless. I am better because I have gotten therapy, I've done the research, I know it is HIM and not me, and I am making choices based on facts, not his emotional outbursts.

It was extremely scary for me to "stand up" to him the first dozen times I tried. But I was (and still am) ready to walk out in a heartbeat. And I think once he realized that, things slowly started to change.

But back to your children. I'm only beginning to realize the full impact of my husband's scenario. His father is a diabetic. So my husband proably grew up in a household with these sugar-low-induced-outbursts. Shall we call them SLIOs? My husband has had diabetes since he was 22 years old. So I am sure he then had the same SLIOs towards his own 2 children. His kids are now in their mid 30s and are both pre-diabetic. His son has 2 daughters. So can you see the pattern that continues throughout the generations?

The difference is that I have identified his SLIOs for the most part and have come to learn that I can either insist we immediately go out to eat (and feign hunger on my part) or I can have my own fight-to-get-your-sugar-high with him. (Laughing here as we need an acronym for that one, too!) But every once in awhile I totally space it out and miss one of his SLIOs.....but eventually I figure out what is going on. And at that point, I realize that it is NOT HIM saying those mean words. It is his body's way of trying to let me know that his sugar is down and I need to help him out.

OK....it's my way of staying sane. Because on some level, he must think those awful things about me if he is going to say them in a low. But I swear, he does not remember saying them at all, will deny he ever said anything that horrible to me and thinks I think them up in my head!

Most of my husband's SLIOs come when I'm at my happiest. When I least expect them. Hmmmm.......

"I was so happy last week that he (after me insisting this was his sugar levels AND he wants to prove me wrong) made an appt to go to Mayo. He has been once before without me. (I didn't know he was going.) The doctor (I think) scolded him pretty bad & told him if he didn't drop 20 or more lbs & get in shape he was getting a pump. So he hasn't been back, just continues to eat and eat. Finally I took the initiative 2 weeks ago in desperation to visit my own doctor. I was really scared, and don't laugh, that he was going to check me into a mental health clinic to save face for himself. Now remember I have not shared what I have been going through with anyone for almost 2 years. He told me he called all of these places about me. HE HAS diagnosed me as bipolar because I "cry all the time". He has never taken 1 medical related course in his life! I admit his outburst the week before, the one I wrote about in my first post, that I really fell apart. I have never had anyone talk that way to me. It was all over me interjecting to suggest my daughter wanted a hard shell taco instead of a soft shell taco. He called me down in front of the waitress like a 2 year old. I just got up & went to the car. All the way home he screamed & screamed. I found myself retreating into myself. I was scared & I hated myself for letting someone talk to me that way and I've heard the same things so many times - stupid, crazy, not good enough, not religious enough... I think I was just about there! I stayed up most of the night just praying. Sad to say, I haven't done alot of that lately."

I really want to cry for you and with you. I can't begin to tell you how many, many, many times this happened to me. Like you, I really thought I was the insane one. My husband was forever telling me that I needed mental help. He could make me cry at the drop of a pin. I realize now it's because I was scared, I had no idea what was happening, I felt like our marriage was falling apart, that it was me...that I wasn't a good enough wife....everything you just wrote. Everything he said belittled me. Everything was my fault. Oh goodness....if he couldn't find an ink pen it was because I had taken all of them! And pray? well...my knees had callouses! I was "weepy" for nearly 2 years. I NEVER talked about any of it to anyone....not even my sisters who I am very close to. I totally fell apart....with each outburst....and it even got to the point where I fell apart if he just looked at me with an angry look.

I didn't want to endure another outburst. I couldn't even handle the thought of it. I remember laying awake in the middle of the night thinking that if I get up to go to the bathroom and I wake him up, he will get so mad at me.....and I would just lay there until I was in such physical pain...and then lay there until he was snoring so loud I hoped I could get up without waking him up. You get to where your whole life is just eggshells and you have no idea what it is that is going to cause an outburst.

Someone asked me a couple of years ago why I had such black circles under my eyes. That was a turning point for me. I realized it was impacting my health and if someone else could tell there was something physically wrong with me, I had to get help. Well...the black circles were from stress and lack of sleep...NOT from him hitting me! Guess I should clarify that!

"The next day one of the people who work under him at his job approached ME & she said things had been terrible for her. I was put in a very awkward position. I told her to do her job and not argue with him. He guessed by something she said that she and I had talked. I have never lied to my husband. I explained to him how it came down and he said I was not to discuss anything else with her. The next day he made me an appt. to go to Mayo, too. After this morning's incident, I've thought about it, and I canceled my appt. and I'm going back to my own doctor here. I feel like the whole reason for me wanting to go with him in the first place was to be there for him & possibly get some information on helping him. I would never go behind his back, but I feel like he wants the docs there to find something on me to take the pressure off of himself."

Your advice to his employee was very good. Do your job. Don't argue. I have started telling my husband that he needs to call so and so back and apologize to them. Or I will ask, "do you realize you were just yelling at that person?" I think we are past the stage where you are....my husband has started to realize that he does not remember some of these things. But I also have learned to tune in and listen to his work conversations (he works from home most of the time) around 10 am....when he seems to take a dive in his sugar levels.

And good for you for cancelling your appointment! Trust me, as women, we know our own bodies so much better than anyone else, so go with your gut feeling on that one.

My husband still will not allow me to go to the doc with him. He will even lie to me point blank about which appointment he is going to in order to keep me away. "It's just the eye doctor today." and then 3 hours later, "well, I messed up, it was the neuropathy guy"! Can you believe he LIES to me? Just proof that he does not want me to know what they are telling him. Well...one, I won't let him lie to the doc and 2, I would then know what he's NOT doing! Such a child!

"I know I'm rambling, but this is the only outlet I have. I can't sleep. I am worried about him. I don't know anyone I can confide in that could talk to him. He is known for being a expert negotiator and a problem solver in our community. What kind of credibility would I have? I'm getting worried how this is affecting his memory, judgement, & decisions as it pertains to our business, too. When he left this morning, he yelled he had had enough & was calling a lawyer. I am heartbroken or am I just in a bad, bad dream."

Sad to say, this is not a bad dream. This is very real. The good thing...you will survive. IF IF IF YOU take steps to protect yourself! Get a lawyer. Go see a psychiatrist. Go through the entire battery of exams to PROVE YOU ARE SANE as he is most likely going to accuse you of being insane. Find a diabetic nurse who will provide you with some counseling. Join a diabetic support group. Even though he may leave you.....he is still the father of your children and a support group can help all of you deal with him and his outbursts even when he is not living with you.

Uncontrolled sugar levels WILL destroy ALL of the nerve endings in his body. So, that is not just the nerve endings that go to his fingers and toes....it will attack the nerve endings in his intestines, his heart, his brain. He will forget things, make bad decisions. It will eventually (if it remains out of control) impact decisions, judgement, driving...everything. He may slip into a coma and not even know it if he is lucky enough to just "wake up". The first time, if like my hubby, he will just deny it happened...even when it happens with a house full of people. And when I called 911 to a neighbor's house when non of us could revive him..he still got pissed at me for doing that! But at least he couldn't deny it happened because the EMTs made him go to the hospital, his levels were so low.

You know, it doesn't matter how good of a negotiator he is, or how important he is. Uncontrolled diabetes will take him down. He needs to do what the doctors tell him to do and he might be able to correct or stall the progression of this disease. But if he refuses to do that....just like my husband is refusing to make any changes at all....then you have 2 choices. You can stay with him or you can leave him. If you stay with him, you have to step up to the plate. I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that he no longer has permission to talk to me in a negative way. And when he starts in, I just say to him in a very loud, stern voice (like I were yelling at a 10 year old) "YOU STILL do not have my permission to talk to me like that". And if he keeps it up, I will get my jacket and keys and walk out. I got that from a therapist and it has worked. Yet I know that any day I may have to leave him permanently. So far, it seems to be working. I just no longer allow him to talk to me in that manner. But I am the one who had to tell him that he could not do that.

What do I have to lose? Anything I say to him in a true sugar low...he is not going to remember.

Think about the example you are setting for your daughter. If you allow your spouse to talk to you in a demeaning manner in front of her, if you clam up and "take it"....you are teaching her that is what she must do if it happens to her. And/or you are teaching both your son and daughter that it is proper behavior to talk to other human beings in that manner. I have learned that it is up to each of us to stop the cycle of abuse....even when it is SLIO related.

Shall I end by repeating, I am not a counselor, therapist, doctor. I only tell you what has worked for me and each situation is different and it could be disastrous for you. I cannot give you advice. Only tell you about my life. Just know you are not alone. There are hundreds of us, probably thousands of us....but I think very few who stay with a non-compliant diabetic until the very end. A choice that I will continue to negotiate every single day.

recovery

He seems to be doing much better tonight and on the mend. He even went out today....so if he can drive he is OK. I wish he would not drive when he is taking such potent drugs, but he said he only took them before he went to sleep last night and he did not sound nearly as groggy this morning.

So I give him til Saturday before the next crisis hits! Have to wonder what it will be. LOL!

Almost funny

He is on such potent drugs than he just sounds high when I call him. I was a little worried that he's not eating, so I called my neighbor and she took him some chicken soup and checked in on him. She said he was pretty loopy when she got there this afternoon after work, but that after eating, he seemed to improve a little. I'm sure she will continue to check in on him now that she knows I'm gone and he's got 3 cracked ribs.

He called just a little bit ago and said he had a bout of hiccups and it nearly killed him. So I suggested that he take his last dose of the pain meds today and just go to bed.

I've never heard him sound quite like he does with these meds. They must be knocking him for a loop. His voice is all slurred....wish I had a tape recorder. I doubt he will remember much of this at all. Heck, he may not even remember that I'm not at home! LOLOL!

3 cracked ribs

from coughing. Well, at least it wasn't a heart attack! The doc gave him some pain meds and a cough suppressant and sent him home. He is supposed to stay in bed. Well...I'm sure that since the cat (me) is gone, that mice (him) will play! Hopefully he got some sleep last night. Our last call was around 2 am and I told him I'd wait til he called me today so he can sleep in.

Maybe next time his mom calls him crying, he will think twice about jumping on a plane to go rush to see her. Maybe he will remember how sick he got on this last trip and now this. But most likely as soon as he's well, he won't even remember this!

He's at the hospital

and I'm sitting here waiting for him to call. He said he had some kind of coughing attack about 2 pm today. He called me then and he said the pain was so severe, he felt like something "popped" and he could hardly breathe. I told him to call his doctor. He called back and they told him to go to ER. But he said he wasn't going.

So I checked in with him about every hour this afternoon and about 9 pm....he couldn't even breathe, so I insisted that he take himself over to ER. He can be such a pain sometimes. He called and he is there and he's just having his little hissy fit about being there. But at least he got himself there. I imagine he cracked a rib coughing....but he does need to be checked out. I checked and I can get a flight out in the morning and be there by 10:30 am. So I'll jsut sit tight and wait til I hear back from him.

In the meantime, I had a totally fun day today, teaching art. Great stress relief!

DW

Dear Anonymous,

You wrote this:

Thank you for taking the time to blog. I am really struggling. My husband is a diabetic. For some time now he has had me convinced I must be going crazy because I would cry, and still do, when he has his angry outburst. I have no one to talk to. He is a very public figure, who has been convinced by his peers that he is on top of his game - perfect life. He receives numberous community and church awards and honors. He's a good man and I dearly love him, but when he's angry he can be so cruel. I have never seen him check his sugar. I have bought him several testers. He has an answer for everything. I even went to my own doctor the other day and asked her if the things he says to me could me true. I am in menopause, which makes me even more sensitive. Can you suggest any good literature to help me out? I have thought about counseling, but he told me not to go without him. I said okay, let's go, but then he changes the subject. If I bring it back up... then here we go again. I am so tired of feeling bad about myself and walking on eggshells.


And nearly brought me to tears as this is just so much of me and I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you. I completely and totally understand every single moment of your life. I hear my crys coming out of you in so many ways.

And I'm sad to say that there is not good literature out there. The best I have found is what each of us write in our blogs online. Just knowing there is another woman going through what I am going through makes that loneliness a little less alone. Reading that someone else is walking on eggshells, makes them a little less tender.

YOU ARE OK! IT IS NOT YOU! That is in caps for emphasis. This is one horrible, awful, terrible disease and those who have it have absolutly no idea the pain they inflict on their spouses. How can they? They don't remember what they say or do when they are in a true low or high. So if they don't remember....they also can't know. And yes, when he is angry, his cruel treatment of you can actually be totally intolerable. It is a form of abuse. Yet the abuser has no idea they are doing it and will have no remembrance of doing it either.

The thing that really scares me is that I have read of diabetics in lows who will actually strangle or physically harm their mates. So I say, first and foremost, that you have to protect you. If he becomes physical or violent....walk away. Keep a cell phone on you at all time and have it programmed so that one button gets it to 911.

Next, when he starts with the verbal barage or garbage....there are 2 things that I will do. First....get him food. Anything. Fake that you are starving and insist there is nothing in the house and get him to a restaurant. It's a public place. If he gets verbal, you have witnesses. But also, getting food in him does help. It's amazing.

Second, I will literally yell at him that he has to stop talking to me like that. I threaten to leave. I will go to great lengths to get his fight mechnism roaring....because then his blood sugars will increase and his anger will dwindle. Besides....99% chance he is not going to remember a single thing I say! But fighting with a sugar low is a very risky thing if he turns violent towards me.

I believe that most of us spouses just clam up and eventually leave. There is nothing written about this, nothing to support us, and a world of angry diabetics out there who are more than willing to jump on a blog just like this and tell us that we are the nuts, that we are the angry ones, that it is all our fault because we don't love our spouses enough, we don't care enough, we are not sufficient caregivers....oh, that list goes on and on and I'm sure I'll get plenty of anonymous comments for writing this.

But you know what? I have a growing body of evidence that I am right! I have been talking to not just spouses....but children of diabetic parents....adult children of diabetic parents....who are telling me the horrors that they endured as kids growing up in a household with this disease. And how it has impacted them as adults and that they still live with the constant nightmare of what an angry parent might say or do to them. And I very quietly sit and tell them, "it's not you. It has nothing to do with you. And your father/mother/aunt/uncle will most like have no recollection of what they said or did to you."

I blame the professionals and the medical field for not doing more research. But it's the same thing as the heart attack problem. Nerve endings die off. Connections are not made. Diabetics often die from heart attacks. The death certificate will list heart attack as the reason for death. Doctors do surgeries to try and "fix" the problem. NO ONE out there is doing the research to get the word out that it's the nerve endings dieing off from diabetes that causes these heart attacks. No one makes that connection....how stupid are our physicians?

And then you have diabetics like my hubby who will sit in front of a doctor AND me and lie point blank to them about his diet, what he is doing, his physical activity. So you can't really blame the doctors because the patients are in such denial that they can't fess up what they are really doing to themselves.

Find a diabetic nurse that you can go to and simply tell your spouse you are going to a nurse because you need help through your own menopause and they are making suggestions to you for diet and exercise. My own diabetic nurse has been a godsend to me through all of this. She has no problem telling me that I am normal and he is a diabetic. I know that. I really know that. But it is nice to hear it from someone else every now and then!

DW

I do not "need" this!

Notes to me:

1. MIL called hubby today crying. Hubby is beside himself and ready to jump in the car and drive to her "resuce".

2. FIL is not being released to go home. His oxygen levels are not back to normal. They want to put him in rehab. But even if they release him, he cannot be driven home. They will take him by ambulance the 3 hour drive...just in case he needs oxygen.

3. MIL has refused to leave her home and go the 3 hours to be with him. I will never in my entire life understand that decision. So rather than be with her husband, she calls my husband crying and crying and gets him all upset.

4. FIL's kidneys are failing. He does have diabetes. He just had a triple bypass surgery. This does not surprise me at all, but everyone else seems to be going off the deep end over this.

5. My hubby is in no shape to return to theis "mess". He is still quite ill and this evening has lost his voice once again. I'm scared to death that if he gets in the car and takes off, he is going to end up in a wreck and kill or hurt someone else.

6. I called my SIL to ask her to have her hubby call my hubby, hoping his brother can talk some sense into him.

7. Hubby agreed to wait until morning to see what the doctors have to say. Seems they are only "talking" about rehab at this point

8. I am beyond angry at my MIL for even bothering to call my hubby and get him so upset. She truly has no idea how deathly ill her son is....or how much worse this worry is making him.

9. I truly wonder if I'm going to be able to stay at my girlfriend's house for the duration of my "vacation".

10. I'm starting to worry that my hubby is no longer capable of making logical, rational choices. I have to wonder if he is fearing his own death and that's why he is overreacting to his fathers current condition. I wonder if he can survive his father's death?

11. The only reason I am not calling my MIL and screaming my head off at her is that she will only call my husband crying (again) and make matters worse.

I really don't "need" this. But I do think if/when this blows over I am going to call her and truly let her know how sick her son is and politely ask her to refrain from contacting him..that she is going to have to figure out a way to handle her problems on her own. Note..she really is a huge drama queen.

Peace!

Comes in doses of 12 hours of sleep a night! I'm visiting a dear friend of mine for the next 3 weeks....and for the last 3 nights I have had 12 hours of sleep. It is so wonderfully amazing. I can feel my body healing. But more importantly, I can feel my spirit healing.

And I'm making a few decisions. I am going to stay with him and stick it out. I truly do love him. But I am also going to take more breaks....stay with friends, little week long respites for me. And hopefully that will help.

I love it where I'm visiting right now. Warm weather and close to the ocean, so yes, think "south". Just so healing to be near the sea. One of the great loves of my life. And I'm surrounded by friends in the art world and happily designing and creating for fun! Sheer joy!

Every caregiver, every spouse should take a break. It's good for the soul!

DW

A really bad cold

Hubby is flying home tomorrow. He is getting up at 5 am, driving his dad 3 hours back to the big city hospital, checking him in for his triple bypass on Friday. Then hubby will drive to the airport and have lunch with his brother who is flying in from 2000 miles away. Brother will be with their dad for surgery and take him home as my hubby is heading home tomorrow evening.

He caught a cold. A really bad cold. He has been flat in bed the past 2 days. So you gotta ask...what good did it do for him to rush to be with his father?

I'm pretty sure the stress of this got his immune system to the point that he picked up something either on the plane or in the hospital last week. But he called me today and said that it's so bad he just can't breathe. Of course, I told him to go to the local ER and at least get an Rx for an inhaler. But he didn't do that.

So what can you do? And why do I think he might take care of a cold when he refused to take care of his diabetes? So I guess he will just struggle with his breathing. He said he had been sleeping pretty much non-stop for about 3 days now. So how safe is it for him to drive the 3 hours with his dad to the hospital? hmmmm. Pretty hard for me to "not worry" from here...but I'm giving it a good hard try!

It will be good for him to get home. At least he can really rest and hopefully heal. I leave Friday for a 3 week vacation on the ocean with a couple of friends. It will be my chance to completely heal from the pneumonia I had earlier this year. I hope to use the time to recoup, relax, regenerate and come home ready to face whatever is next.

Dad's not eating

So an update. Hubby drove his dad 3 hours home. No surgery. He does need 3 bypasses. Let's see if I can explain....well, at least note what i was told. The local hospital saw 1 open artery, one blocked at 80% and 2 blocked at 100% so they airlifted hubby's dad to a better heart hospital 3 hours away. But when he got there, and the heart specialist checked him out, they decided that since he was not having a heart attack, not in any pain, and it was a Friday night...to release him and schedule the triple bypass for when they have a full staff.

They are supposed to call tomorrow with a date for the operation.

And now, his dad is not eating. Can't keep food down, he's sick to his stomach. So, of course, hubby is beside himself with worry, compounded by the fact that he's exhausted, has to work remotely starting tomorrow morning, and the list just goes on. He sounded completely stressed out tonight. But not much I can do from here.

His dad has had type 2 diabetes for about 30 years, is insulin depedent, is non-compliant (possibly worse about that then my husband if that's possible) and just does not take care of himself at all. Yet he does not have the physical symptons that my hubby has of charcot's foot, gout, etc. If you looked at my FIL, you would not know he has anything wrong at all.

It's been a quiet weekend here. I'm getting lots of rest. :o)

DW

And it happened again

I'm going to quit saying "what next?"

His mom called this morning, crying...her usual drama stuff. They were air lifting his father 3 hours to a heart center to perform a triple bypass. Of course, we both go into over-active radar mood. He books a last minute flight (can we just say mega bucks?) rented a car, got a hotel while I did his laundry, drove him to the airport and came back home.

Now....I should have stopped to think, but I didn't. All I thought about was that if it was my mom, I'd be on the move as well. But I forgot, it is his mom.

And the strangest thing kept gnawing in the back of my mind. She said she couldn't get there until some time next week.

So, your husband is going to have a triple bypass in a city 3 hours from where you live and you can't drop whatever is going on in your life and be with him? I just do not understand that. But then, I don't make any bones about it...I do not understand my mother-in-law and her constant drama.

Anyway, he calls me. He's talked to the doctor. They are going to release his dad. Hubby has to drive him the 3 hours home and then next week, drive him back to do the bypass surgery.

I came unglued. What doctor in their right mind AIR LIFTS someone to another hospital just to have them released and sent home? Well, I have been emailing his brother's wife tonight and we agree...the local doctors just don't want to deal with our mother-in-law! LOL!

But hubby is out a monstrous airplane bill, hotel, car rental....and if he had just waited 6 hours....he would have seen that he did not need to go down at all.

So why am I concerned? Because he does not need any of this stress. He certainly does not need to be driving that 3 hours back and forth. He just took a week to run down there because of his grandmother...now this. Am I seeing a pattern start this year? Ever few weeks there is going to be some type of crisis? I'm ready to relocate to a foreign country! Well....almost!

And now...he says he may fly me down there to stay with his grandmother so his mom can go with him and his dad for the surgery. I'm thinking home care would be a cheaper and better solution. But on the other hand, I will do nothing but worry about him the whole time he is gone.

And my next note to self....he is now wearing depends day and night. So the incontinence has gotten worse. Sigh. I worry that the stress of this will do him in.

I have what I'm calling a "survival" trip planned starting 4/11. I'm planning to fly to visit a close friend for 3 weeks to rest, recover fully from my pneumonia, and take a break from all this. His plans to fly me down to take care of grandma will cancel that trip and honestly, I think I desparately need it right now.

DW

Right big toe

Oh my. It looks like it could explode any second. The base of it is so narrow and the top is totally swollen up. It seriously looks like someone slipped a rubber band around the base. I don't know how he can stand the pain and there just has to be pain because it makes me wince just to look at it.

My sister commented the other day that he seemed to be "out of it".....not really aware of anything going on around him. I certainly thought that today. He seems disconnected from life. It's like I want to say to him...let's take a trip somewhere for the weekend....let's fly to LA and take a mini cruise....I want one more vacation with him before he can't do anything. And I fear we are not too far away from being where we can't get away.

Today, he slept almost the whole day. He is so blessed to have a job where he can pull that off. I wish I could get him to walk....to do any kind of exercise. I'll just continue to suggest it and try every day. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

DW

Today's a little better

He truly did watch what he ate today. His mood seemed a bit better. I decided to give Atkins a try for me. I know he won't do any diet, so I picked one I can do for a short time. I decided to quit soda and sugar again and asked him if he would quit sugar to help me out. He said he would, so only time will tell.

Maybe he just senses that I'm at the end of my rope. Whatever it is, it's been a pleasant day around here. Part of the never ending roller coaster ride.

So now he's mad at me

because I asked him if he could please put the depends in the trash and not leave them laying on the floor. He said he forgot. I quietly said he did not forget because he put it on the puppy's potty pad yesterday and didn't pick that up either. He then said that I put it in the trash while he was in the shower and I didn't give him time to do it. I reminded him that no, he had already had his shower, went downstairs, had left the door wide open, the bed unmaid, and we had 12 guests here all day long.

He certainly does not do well with me reminding him of things like this. But on the other hand I am not going to let him blame it all on me. It's his problem, his trash, and I am NOT going to be his nurse maid.

I swear, if I had a job, I would leave him right now. So, next mission, get a job. And at my age, I really even hate to think about trying. But tonight...it's my survival mode talking. I just need to get out of this situation.

DW

Suddenly....I'm just depressed.

My sister was here this weekend. And this morning, she wanted to take me out to breakfast. So we went. She really laid into me and I think I needed it.....but she's gone home now and I just feel so alone. So I need to write to get this out of my system.

She said that she was concerned about the amount of weight my husband has put on so far this year. I said, "I know." She said, "no, you live with him every day and you don't notice the change like we do when we only see him once every couple of months."

Which is true, I know.

She said that his upper arms are so big he can barely drive. Ok. I had not noticed that at all. I do know that his jean size have gone from a 36 waist to a 45 waist. Only because he asked me to go buy him new jeans. I also know that there is nothing in his closet that he can fit into.

I remember hearing about a diabetic when we were kids growing up. His religion prevented him from getting medical treatment. And I remember at church, they said he "blew up". I later asked mom what that meant and she said he just swelled up so much that the circulation shut off and he died.

Is my husband "blowing up"??

And then my sis said that she didn't want me to get in a fight with my hubby, but she thought that I needed to know that she saw him take a bag of candy and throw it on the very top shelf in the kitchen cabinet (where I would never look because it's too tall for me to get into.)

So, is he trying to die? Is he stuffing himself with sugar, eating it behind my back, hiding it in the house.....because he wants to die?

And that's what has thrown me into a blue funk this afternoon. Half of me says....just feed him all the sugar he wants. The other half of me says that I should go find the bag of candy, put it in the trash, and take the trash to the dump! And then there's that part of me that's the nurturing, mothering caregiver that wants to do whatever I can to help him through this. And the other part of me that says, NOT MY DISEASE....and just take a nap!

Somewhere in the middle of all these emotions...there has to be some balance. But I sure haven't found it yet.

I just want to smack every single person who has diabetes that does not take care of themselves and shake them by their ears and scream into their faces...."IT IS TOO MY DISEASE.....YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE!"

OK. I will get past this. One step at a time. But right now....I'm pretty pissed off that he's hiding candy.

I also need to note that he went to the bathroom last night and did not flush the toilet. His urine is near blood red.

And he took off his depends and tossed them onto the puppy's potty pad and just left them there in the corner of the bedroom. OK....yeah, just a little rage over that one. I am NOT his maid and I am NOT going to go around and pick up his depends after him. And I cannot believe he has gotten to this point....too lazy to throw away his own depends?

I am about 2 shakes away from walking out on him today and never looking back. But I'm so completely exhusted and drained that it's not going to be today. All I can do is say a prayer that the good Lord will see me through this round of emotions.

My sister also said that she has noticed a huge change in his personality. He does not care about anything. She says it's like he is in a drug induced fog. I told her that I've noticed he does not answer me when I say something more often than not. And it's true....it's like he is in a fog. He doesn't seem to be interested in anything much anymore. Except watching movies on TV.

It's good to have sisters who come visit on ocassion and can tell you thinks that you miss when you live with this on a day to day basis. Right now, I'm just very tired, and very depressed.

DW

DW

A good break

I'm having an amazing weekend. My sis came over to visit and I have just hosted a charity event in my studio. So many female friends....so much understanding....so much fun.

I didn't realize how much I needed to do something like this....reach out and help someone else who is disabled in a completely different manner than diabetes.

And hubby has tolerated our 5 house guests quite well.

But I wonder if we are getting close to daytime depends. He was doing something a couple of times this weekend where he had to run to the bathroom and the sounds I heard, I knew it was diahrrea. And if I can hear it...then all my houseguests can hear it as well. I wasn't embarrased at all, but a couple of them were. I guess when you live with it, you get used to it and then you forget what someone else might think when they hear it.

So do I quit having friends over? Do I explain to them how seriously ill he is? Do I just ignore it and act like no one else can hear it? Do I turn the stereo on so loud no one will hear it?

Is it just another step in the process? I think I finally realized the truth about why we no longer go to movies. He can't sit through one. Will we stop going out at all because he needs to get to a restroom in a hurry? Or will he wear depends in the day? And my next question...if you have diahrrea that bad....you still need to be near a bathroom...even with depends on. How does one handle that?

I think perhaps my greatest fear is that he will be housebound. Oh what am I thinking? If he goes on dialysis...we won't be traveling anywhere.

More loss. More steps to grieve. More changes.

More reasons to enjoy weekends like this!

Current kidney function

He had it tested this week and it has not decreased any more. That is wonderful news!

So they are going to increase the allopurino. In an attempt to save his feet from being amputated.

I like wikipedia. I know there are better references...but it is usually pretty straight forward. Allopurino.

It says:

"In addition to its use in gout, allopurinol is also commonly used as prophylaxis with chemotherapeutic treatments, which can rapidly result in very high uric acid concentrations due to widespread cell death (tumour lysis syndrome)."

So, the diabetes is killing off the body's cells, the kidneys are failing to process the waste. But a second reason for build up of uric acid is the death of the cells. So he is getting hit with this as a double whammy in my mind. Once from the kidney function and secondly from the dead cells.

The side effect of this drug is worsening renal function, thus the monthly kidney tests at this point.

At this point, I'm seriously thinking I should go back to school and become an endocrinoligist! NOT! But there are moments when I think you can learn more on the internet than any doctor/specialist can tell you. :o)

DW

from my heart

I went upstairs tonight to go to bed, and he had on a pair of depends. I wish I could write what is in my heart...but I'm not sure I can find the words to express myself. At first I thought it was due to bladder incontinence. But then I realized...it's bowel incontinence.

I've done quite a bit of research on this, trying to prepare myself mentally. One of the websites that has more information than most is the Joslin Diabetes Center

And his neuropathy is getting worse. So it does not surprise me. Yet it does. I guess I just wasn't ready to see my husband in depends at this point of our lives.

I can see the outward signs of this disease in his charcot's food, his gout, and his impaired vision. So I don't know why I continue to deny that the same types of things have to be going on inside his body.

Of the types of neuropathy listed on the website above, he has been diagnosed so far with:


sensory neuropathy
distal neuropathy
bladder neuropathy
postural hypotension
charcot joint
impotence

The nerve endings are dying. "It can take up to two years for the pain of neuropathy - which is caused by ongoing damage to the nerve - to be replaced by the numbness that occurs when the nerve cells are more severely damaged. " He has already lost feeling and sensation in most of his fingers and in his feet.

So as I look at him tonight, I do understand (yet fear) that the nerve endings inside of his body are dying. And perhaps that explains why he is in so much pain all of the time.

But what happens as more and more of his nerve endings die off? How long before dialysis. And what "real" value would a kidney transplant be? Just prolong his agony? A kidney will only process the waste in his system. It won't alter the fact that his pancreas no longer produces insulin. It could not reverse the loss that he has already suffered.

I know this sounds horribly selfish, but tonight, I am having a difficult time comprehending that he is now in depends. But at the same time, I am so grateful that he took the initiative to wear them on his own.

I just have to wonder, what next?

DW

Note: He changed his mind on eating healthy. 5 days ago I posted that he had agreed to diet (translate - eat healthier) and then the next day he changed his mind. He probably had a pound of chocolate yesterday, Easter Sunday. And no, I did not buy any of it.

Dieting

He is now up to 250 pounds. He was around 205. And he admitted tonight that he needs to lose weight. So, tomorrow morning...we are just going to eat healthy. I decided against Nutri Systems as I do not think he would like the food and thus he would not stick with it.

I like Adkins...but I don't think it's so good for him....even if he added in some carbs.

I do quite well on Weight Watchers....but he is not about to count points, measure food, etc. And I am planning a trip and will be gone 3 weeks next month and then he is traveling most of May.

So tonight, we agreed on a "plan". Who knows if it will work...but at least I plan to try to help him with it. It's been 5 years since we did a diet together. I know, women should never diet with men. But we seem to do this quite well together. We are simply going to eat a lot of salads and fresh fruit and veggies. If we eat out, we will eat salad. No sugar. Lots of water. Very little white flour, if any. Low carb whole wheat bagels and pita bread. Low fat everthing and we are going to watch cholesterol in food.

He agreed to start walking on the treadmill tomorrow.

At least he is willing to try.

:o)

DW

Obsessive/Compulsive

I had to laugh at the suggestion hubby use "portion control" in his diet. He really is an obsessive/compulisive type of guy. He will sit and eat an entire bag of potato chips. Or a whole bag of cookies. He buys a new train bed, all the buildings, the grass and trees, and new trains and it all still sits in the original box. He will have 5 new suits tailor made and not wear a one of them. He will go out on the ATV for 5 days in a row and then not go again for a year.

It's an interesting thing to watch and I do know it must have an impact on his diabetes. He goest through phases where he will be 100% religious about meds/shots/exercise/diet.....and then not even take his shots per schedule for days on end.

Portion control is just not going to work with this guy.

We are back home and we will do more research on nutri systems today. He did diet and exercise 5 years ago and I've been trying to convince him that it's as good as time as any to do it all again. We will see what today brings. He did confess last night that he needs to lose 50 pounds. Hmmm....probably closer to 100, but we can start with 50!
DW

Survival

Life can be such a zoo. We are at my in-laws. Hubby's dad is diabetic, type 2, as well. His mom has these "attacks" and "spells" which I do believe are her way of getting my father-in-law to pump up in order to prevent a crash. It's so sad to watch. He starts to go into a sugar low, she has an "attack", he needs to "rescue" her which pumps him up and his sugar goes back to a normal. It's a near constant cycle here.

Plus, this time, they have the thermostat set at 85 degrees. We keep ours between 68 and 72. I am just roasting. Even hubby is sweating!

I'm very grateful to have an art buddy here, so for the past 3 days, we have been off shopping, desigining, creating and exploring some places about 2 hours from here that I've never been to before...little tourist trap communities. It's been quite fun, gets me out of this situation during the day and has truly inspired the creative side of me.

So now, after 3 days, hubby is whining and complaining that I "don't love him, don't want to be around him, would rather be with anyone else than him".....so tomorrow, I will give him the entire day. Wanna bet he sleeps the whole day? LOLOL!!!

Hubby has actually been doing pretty well here. I almost think he has to be the "strong" one for his parents.

We are talking about joining Nutri System when we get back home. Anyone have thoughts on their diabetic diet? Hubby has gained at least 40 - 50 pounds this past year and he needs to do something. And he can't do it on his own.

Faith, spouse of non-compliant diabetic

Your blog has been removed and I have not seen you post here since February 8th.

All I can do is say a prayer and hope that all is well.

DW

Never say never!

And will I ever really learn that? We've spent the last 2 days driving 15 hours to his parent's house. And I said I wouldn't make that drive again. However, I do think I convinced him this time that we need to just fly from now on. I was able to rig up a heating pad to an outlet and that helped. He did not have problems with incontenince and the weather was good the whole day. We spent last night in a hotel which gave us some rest.

We used to arrive here and just collaspe in bed for the rest of the day, but we seem to be doing ok so far this afternoon.

He has started his new meds so hopefully that has helped with the incontenence.

Oh, why are we here? He called his mom last Saturday. It was her birthday. She started crying (as usual) and made him feel so bad he told her we would come see her.

He told me she said she wanted to see me, too.

Now, I do know that is a blatant lie..it was just his way of getting me to make the drive with him. I actually thought it was kind of cute. Not that I appreciate the lie....but that he wanted me to come with him. So, here I am. Thinking I will never make that drive again....15 hours in the cab of a pickup truck.....I'm way too old!

I'm sure I will be blogging daily from here to help me get through the stress of the visit. It's just what I do when I'm here.

And how is he? Well, his feet look worse to me. His stomach is totally bruised from the needles. And I've been researching hepatitis C which he has had since high school....and find that he is probably suffering some of the consequences of that as well (liver related problems). His attitude has been pretty calm for the past couple of weeks. I'm going to guess his blood levels are pretty normal. But then, how would we know since he never tests it? Sigh.

Other than that, life is good.

Escape

Yes, I'm escaping! Going to visit my mom this week. I should get some really great rest! And come home ready to face whatever.

Hope all you spouses find a way to escape this week....even if it's just for a thirty minute break. I know we all need them. :o)

When does it end?

Yep, 1:30 am and I'm wide awake. He started out with the CPap on, yanked it off and is thrashing and kicking, gasping, choking for air, and I felt like I was living in an earthquake again. No, I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm in the guest bedroom and can't get back to sleep. I just want to cry.

I would love to get twin beds, but he refuses. He said he is too large for a twin bed, which is sadly true.

I would love to get an additional twin bed to put in our bedroom like a daybed....there is enough room. But he said it would make it too crowded in there and I have to agree that I would still wake up from the snoring.

He takes numerous naps throughout the day and is so tired all the time. Before he went to sleep last night, he said the calves of his legs were hurting so bad....it felt like the bones were broken.

His doctors prescribed him new meds for his feet almost 2 weeks ago and he has not been to the pharmacy to pick them up. Our HMO will re-shelve it after 7 days, so when he does go, he will have to wait to get them refilled.

I think starting tonight, I will just start out in the guest bedroom. Simply because I know that I cannot continue to sleep in a rocking bed.....and I cannot continue to manage with nights where I don't get sleep.

A lack of oxygen to the brain can kill the cells and I do think I am starting to see this. I mean, I can see the logic that when he wears the cpap, he does not thrash and he has more energy during the day, takes less naps, has less pain. Yet he cannot see that. Or perhaps it's "the present is more than the future" so when he pulls it off in the middle of the night he doesn't think about what tomorrow will be like?

I truly feel like I am watching this man die right before my eyes and there is not a single thing I can do to stop the process. He is in the driver's seat making all the decisions, going about 120 mph down the road and keeps taking his hands off the steering wheel. And I'm sitting here next to him with my hands over my eyes screaming my head off!

I met a wife

of a diabetic who is much worse than my husband. He is currently in the hospital with a heart that operates at 20%....after getting a pacemaker installed. The doctors told her they don't know what's wrong. And I just wanted to scream...but I didn't! :o) I am sure his nerve endings are shot. He's been in a wheelchair for years. He, too, eats potato chips by the bag and anything else he wants.

And I wonder....no, I know, this is where I am headed.

In the past 2 weeks, I have buried myself in a project for charity. A young 15 year old girl that I know is going to be doing a walk and I am raising funds to support her. It's been good. It's taken my mind off everything going on here.

Hubby has not started his new meds yet...he "forgot" to get his Rx filled. Swears he will go pick them up tomorrow. But he has been down with pain in his back so severe that he can't walk. He "promised" to call the doctor tomorrow about that as well.

I just go hide in my studio and play with my art! It is my escape!

And I'm over my pneumonia. Thank goodness. Still quite weak and taking lots of naps....but I have a clean bill of health from my doc. It was not contageous and he said I might have gotten it from working in my basement studio, so we did go out and buy 2 huge space heaters this week....it is definitely warmer down there now!

It's always sad to meet someone who is worse off than you are. But on the other hand, it truly makes you thankful for what you have and where you are in life.