How time flies!

 It's been a couple years since I last posted.  Much has happened!  My hubby has been gone almost 4 years now.  The pandemic is "over".  I did manage to get the delta variety and survived, but I was pretty sick.  I dosed myself with ivermectin and a z-pack that I had obtained from Mexico.  10 days sick.  2 months later my hair fell out.  Well - that was special!  It's growing back nicely.  No other side effects.

Bought a little r-pod travel trailer and have spent the past 2 winters in Yuma next to my sis and her hubby.  Been quite the adventure.  Went out camping with 4 other women last week and 1 of the gals managed to roll her vintage trailer.  It was totaled.  She walked away.  She drove to the campground and spent the night with me in my pod.

About 11 pm, I woke up to this very faint beeping.  4 beeps and then a pause, 4 beeps, a pause and it would repeat several times then quit.  I didn't want to wake her up, but I finally had to turn the lights on as I thought it could have been one of the sensors for gas or carbon, etc.  Nothing was flashing.  I told her what it sounded like and she pulled her glucose monitor out of her bag.  Sure enough, that was it and she was LOW and had not heard it.  

I got her something to eat.  I guess I will stock some glucose tabs!  I told her it was God's plan that she spent the night with me and I could hear it and wake her up!  She had never told me that she was diabetic and that was the last thing I was thinking about.

But it hit me.....it just doesn't matter where I go or what I do, I have decided diabetes will follow me forever!  And I think enough time has passed that I can start to handle it a little better.  So I have come back to this blog to look at comments.  There were more than I anticipated.  This one I will share:

Thank you for this forum. My husband of 45 years was diagnosed with Type2 diabetes about 3 years ago. He took it seriously at first, and it was a real joint effort. In fact he did so well that 3 months later the doctor took him off insulin. At the time, my older daughter said she wished it had'nt been so easy..it would be too easy for him to think he could beat it whenever he wanted. Fast forward 3 years..she was 100% right.When he started becoming really disoriented, barely able to walk, I kept begging him to check his blood sugar, and he kept refusing.We went to the doctor on Monday and his A1C was 12.1,blood sugar 550+ I heard him tell his brother he was just "going to take it easy and let me take care of him" I cant tell you how furious that made me. He refused to test even after I begged him, and now I'm supposed to pick up all the pieces and give him all this the support and understanding.I can't put all this worry, anger, frustration, and resentment on my daughters..it"s not their burden. Thank you all for sharing your stories and allowing me to vent. I figured I wasn't the only one out there..the lying to the doctors,(and everyone else) the irritability,the defensiveness..I'm so sick of it.

I get it!  Obviously I've been through it.  He did not get to 12.1 overnight, in a week, even in a month.  It probably started 3 years ago when he went off insulin.  But I have to ask....did his doctor check his insulin?  I remember that my hubby's kidney function was at 50% the first time it was tested and I wondered how that could be possible?  Why had no doctor ever checked it when he had been a diabetic since his 30s?  I get your anger. I still have moments of sheer anger over what my hubby put me through.  But we all have to remember that this is NOT our disease.  And we cannot fix it, control it, stop it, or help it.  It's up to that person who has it to do the right thing, to take care of their body, to follow their doctor's orders.  That being said, it still pisses me off!

You would think that the friend who camped out with me would have told me that she is a diabetic.  I can't fathom spending the night with someone and not notifying them that there was a possibility that I could go low.  To me, that seems unreasonable!  But then I think back and I can remember numerous times when hubby was unreasonable!!!

I will try to check in a little more often.  But in all honestly, diabetes is no longer at the top of my thought list.  I seriously miss him, but I do not dwell on his death or my loss.  I try hard to focus on the good memories, the happy times, the fun we did have.  

What I have learned living in the retirement apartment complex and living through covid is that there is a lot of loss.  I lost 12 friends in 3 months last fall.  Half from Covid, half from other reasons.  More loss than I ever anticipated living through.  But in retrospect, if you recall, my 33 year old on died 7 months before my hubby died.  That was the biggest loss I have endured.  It doesn't get easier or better....you just adapt your life and keep doing your best.  The loss of all those friends was so hard.  That definitely changed my life again.  Surviving covid changed ME.  I have become more determined to continue to take care of me, do the things I love, be my best self every single day.  I'm 70 years old now and most days I can out-do any 50 year old so I'm pretty happy with that! 

And have I mentioned karaoke?  A friend here got me started back singing and I just love it!  I've bought my own equipment and can set up and sing whenever I want.  What a glorious way to recover from grief!  It's turned out to be a great lung exercise and stretches my brain cells having to memorize music and words.  I run the computer so I had to learn the software.  It's been a great journey of recovery!

My prayer for those who find this blog is that you will come to realize how important you are.  Love yourself.  Treat yourself well.  That will give you the strength to be the caregiver you need to be.  But that's it - you are a caregiver, a spouse, a companion....but you are not the diabetic!

I converted a pantry in my apartment to a "garage" - a place to store all my tools and cleaning stuff.  I put a sign on the door that says "My garage - I can fix most things except stupid!!!"  Need I say more?  LOL!

Diabetes and the virus

I am so, so, so grateful that he is no longer alive and that he did not have to go through this pandemic with diabetes.  I cannot fathom what it would be like.

However, the virus has brought back many memories about his diabetes.  I am now 68 years old. So I have been labeled as "vulnerable".  WOW!  Forced to be quarantined way longer than others and I fully expect our governor (Colorado) to add another month tomorrow.

The injustice that I feel is unreal.  I am not VULNERABLE!!!  I am healthy, active, in love with life and now I cannot visit my friends.  Line dancing, karaoke, everything has come to a complete standstill for more than 90 days here.  I live in a building filled with senior apartments.  Our manager decided that we are "congregate care" and imposed needless restrictions on everyone.  I wrote a letter to the president of the board explaining that we are congregate living, not congregate care.  They took the signs down.  But they didn't change our restrictions.

I've probably come closer to breaking all the rules than anyone I know.  We have 2 people sick out of 47,000 in this county that consumes over 1500 square miles!  It is ludicrous that every county is treated the same regardless of the impact on them.  Small business here are not going to open back up.  They didn't make it through this.

I sat here in this building looking out the window on Mother's Day.  Some families lined up and waved.  But my heart ached for the women here who weren't allowed to visit or hug their children or grandchildren.  I think down the road, we will find that this quarantine of the vulnerable was a huge mistake.

And then I think of my husband.  It's almost 2 years since diabetes took his life.  He would never have made it.  He would have been so angry and that would have just kept his glucose levels sky high.  He would probably be in jail.  LOL!  And then I think about the medical aspect of diabetes throughout this pandemic.  Would he have gone to see his doctor?  No.  Would he have gone to the hospital if there was an emergency? No.  He loved to dine out and this would have been his greatest heart break - not being able to dine out.  Would he have survived this?  I'm glad he didn't have to go through it and I don't have to know the answer to that.

Will I survive it?  Of course!  I'm looking for non-congregate living.  I'm looking to buy a tiny house, or a small place.....somewhere where I am totally independent.  Don't get me wrong, I love my apartment complex.  I have a blast here.  But because they have made separate rules where groups of seniors live.....I need someplace else.  Perhaps in addition to this place.  Somewhere i can go if they lock us down again.

My heart truly goes out to the spouses who are dealing with diabetes during this pandemic.  I just can't fathom.  As difficult as it is to be a spouse during normal times, this has to have been the worst experience ever!  My prayers are with each one of you.  May God bless you richly!

Diabetic spouse residual trauma

I was coming out of a friends apartment the other day and the gal across the hall happens to be one of my best friends.  I'll call her Jane.  Tilde, another gal, was visiting her and Jane was rushing out of her place to run up the stairs to Tilde's place to grab her insulin tester.  Jane yelled at me, "can you watch her til I get back?"

Let me back up a moment.  Jane's husband died of diabetic complications 2 years before mine did.  We are probably the 2 most knowledgeable gals in the building when it comes to dealing with a  diabetic.

Of course I went in to her apartment and started talking softly to Tilde.  She was having sweats, felt like vomiting, had her head between her legs and a wet cloth around her neck. She had eaten peanut butter, drank orange juice and wasn't making any progress.  I was trying hard to determine if she was low or high......having no prior knowledge that she was diabetic.....and non-compliant at that.

Jane returned with the testing kit and she didn't know how to use it.  (her hubby had been on a pump for years).  The test strips were dated 2000!!!  It didn't take me 2 minutes to figure it out and we tested her.  298.  Was she coming down or going up?  Knowing what she had just had to eat, I made the call that she was low, going up and would probably be ok for now.  But I urged her to call her doc first thing the next day.

When I left to go back to my apt, I couldn't help getting pissed off.  I have come to love both of these gals.....but I am certainly not ready to take on diabetes again!!!  Tilde certainly needs to get her diabetes under control.  I have eaten enough meals with her (not knowing that she was a diabetic) to realize that she merely eats everything and anything she wants to eat and is severely overweight.  Why am I surprised to find out that she's diabetic?  I don't know!  I think life just continues to surprise the crap out of me on a daily basis!  LOL!

Perhaps my vast knowledge and experience with the disease will be of assistance down the line.  Everyone in this complex is over 62.  Many in their 80s and 90s.  I will help when needed.  I will always help.  It's just what we do.  On the other hand....it hasn't been long enough and it brings back so many fresh memories and I just don't want to replay that record.  I knew that would happen.  I knew that the moment hubby died, I would run as far away as I could from anything diabetes related. But you can't get away from it in this world.  And you need to use your knowledge to help others.

The second interesting thing I'm learning......death.  If you recall my 33 year old son died 10 months before my hubby did.  In the past week, 3 people that I know have died.  2 locals.  I thought that I would attend their funerals....but have decided that I can't.  I'm just not ready to be around another person's grief.  I feel bad that I'm not going, but I hope they will understand.  I sent sympathy cards.  I have no idea if/when I will be ready to attend a funeral....but it is just too soon for me.

I guess I like that aspect of my current phase of life.  I am starting to listen to my gut and do what is best for me, not what my head says that I should be doing.  I've been traveling the past month and went off my diet.  My stomach is totally out of whack so yesterday was my day to get back on track.  Listen to my gut!

Is this all residual trauma from having been married to a diabetic?  having gone through the loss of him and my son?  There are just things that my gut says, "don't deal with that" and I walk away.  Will I regret it down the line?  Perhaps!  Will it help me heal?  I have no idea!  And what other residual issues will I face in the months to come?  Am I staying as active as I am in order to avoid dealing with grief?  Or is it healthy to move on and live the best life you can while you still can?  I'd like to think the later is the truth, but perhaps the truth is that we will never know.

What I am learning is that each and every one of us has a story to tell.  We've had ups and downs in life.  We deal with grief differently.  We deal with disease and health issues differently.  But in that process, we are there for our friends - whether we want to be or not.  We can support them, lift them up, hug them and mostly, just listen to them.

When Tilde was having her sugar crash....all I did was ask her a series of questions.  But it took the focus off how she was feeling and made her think and that got her out of her crash.  I was persistent, reasking each question to make sure she was listening and in the moment with me.  The first few were like dragging her out of a bog, but it got easier and we got her back to the present and she responded with great accuracy to most of my questions.  This is what you do with friends.  It's what I did with hubby.  Stick with it to the very end......and then deal with how you feel about what just happened after it's over.

So yeah, I still get pissed over diabetes.  I haven't forgotten about it at all.  I will always remember every moment of hubby's life and now I will add to that the stories of my friends who are non-compliant.  You can always lead that horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  Residual trauma.  With us for life.  But my life is so, so, so much better now that I'm not a diabetic spouse.  Yet at the same time, I will support, help, assist, love and cherish my friends - even the non-compliant ones.

Hope you are having a calm period with your non-compliant spouse/friends.

DW

How time flies!

Has it really been 3 1/2 months since I last posted?  Amazing!  I am meeting goals and doing well!  Here are my updates:

Down 30 pounds,  10 more to go!

Have been taking private dance lessons as well as group lessons.  Learned enough line dances that I am now teaching them 4 hours a week.  Dancing 6-7 hours a week.  It feels great to move!

Moved into a studio apartment in a 12 story senior complex and absolutely love it!  My sister is moving in 2 doors down from me in a week.  We are on vacation in San Diego this week.  2 other close pals have moved into this complex as well.

Am learning how to run a professional karaoke system and have started singing again!

Sold my house.  36 hours on the market and had a full price offer.

Gave my car to my son and traded the truck in on a 2019 Subaru Forester.  Love it!

One step at a time.  Things are getting done.  As I said, it’s good to have goals!

I have fallen in love with life...which has opened my heart to all kinds of emotions and feelings.

Including love.  I never thought I would love again.  I didn’t think it was possible.  I wasn’t looking for it.  But I am learning that life is full of surprises.  And while I know that I am fighting it, I wonder if I just let go and let my emotions run with it....what might happen?

At the same time, I realize that I still have a hundred million issues to work through, so I am taking this one step at a time.

But it sure feels good!

Just an update to say that life is good.  Perhaps I’ll post again once this amazing vacations n with my sister is over!

So glad we are done with January!

It was harder than I thought.  The first was our anniversary.  UGH!  The 16th was the six-month anniversary of his passing.  The 19th was his 65th birthday.  And if he were still here, he would have done it big!  For his 50th, he took us on a 15 day cruise through the Panama Canal.  I can't help wonder what he would have done for his 65th?  He was always chatting about taking a world cruise.

So I cried a bit.  Then I decided to go buy a case of our favorite wine.  It's made locally.  I'm not a drinker - the last case we bought, I gave every bottle away as a gift.  But that night, the 19th, I came home and opened a bottle and had a glass.

As I sat here in tears, I decided to FaceTime my sister who winters in Yuma AZ.  She said, "come on down" so I packed my car and left the next morning!  Was I "running away"?  I think perhaps I was.  I spent 2 weeks in Yuma, and did a 2 day drive over to San Diego to visit the ocean for the second time in 2 months!  I soaked up the sun.  Decided to start on a low carb diet.  Had numerous "awakening" moments.  And about 10 days into the trip, our youngest sister called and said she wanted to join us so she flew down and spent 5 days then drove home with me.

Some of my ah-ha moments:

1)  I have too much black in my wardrobe.  That's been going on for the last few years.  I need to brighten it up.  So I went shopping in Yuma and San Diego.  Not real successful at the color change, but I did add something gray and something green!  LOL!

2)  I need to start taking better care of me.  So I got a manicure/pedicure.  I do not know when the last time was that I wore nail polish!  They look nice and I plan to maintain them with regular mani/pedis.

3)  About 13 years ago, I had a theft and most of my jewelry was stolen.  What was left, I was afraid to wear.  I had gotten lazy.  I didn't even put earrings in.  That is changing.  I bought new earrings on this trip and I have worn earrings every day for the last 3 weeks.  I am cleaning my jewelry and getting ready to wear it more often.  Going to dress better.  Going to start looking as though I feel good whether I do or not!  Hubby had given me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet that I kept locked in a safe.  It's now on my wrist.  I love it!

4)  I have lost 11 pounds.  What a difference that makes!  My 50 year class reunion is this July and I am motivated.  25 more pounds to go at a minimum.  But already, I'm in a size smaller jeans and it feels great!  My left foot that I broke 6 months ago is all healed.  I've started walking again.  Might even get back to the gym.

I'm doing low carb.  Trying to keep it under 20 carbs a day.  Wow!  That is a tough one!  Lots of meat, cheese and eggs.  Interestingly my appetite is way down and I read that can happen on low carb diets - so I'm happy with that.  Lots of omelettes.  I am hoping I can stick with this.  Perhaps one of the easier diets to be on when traveling.  I can almost always find shrimp cocktail!

5)  I started drinking coffee.  I have never ever liked the taste of it, but I tried some Cinnabon in Arizona and decided I could handle it with a ton of creamer in it!  LOL!  I even bought a small keurig  machine and am quite happy with the taste.  I think it's the caffeine but it seems to give me a boost of energy throughout the morning hours.  Hubby never drank coffee either.  I just decided that it's time to make some changes in my life.  Coffee is going to be one of them.  Sit and sip a cup in the morning and just relax before I start my day!

6)  I put my fitbit on my wrist and I'm not only tracking my steps, but my heart rate and my sleep patterns.  It's interesting - I'm getting better sleep than I thought I was.  Very happy to know that but need to figure out why I "feel" tired when I'm getting good sleep.

7)  I am setting goals.  Life goals.  Weight goals.  Personal goals.  I'm giving myself deadlines.  When in Yuma, I went to several dances with my sister and her hubby.  I do not know how to dance.  So youtube videos are in my future.  I think I have the "electric slide" down pat!  I'll give the "tush push" a try today!  I'm seriously thinking about arthur murray lessons of some kind.

In 2012, I had a lumpectomy done on my right breast.  It was already the smaller side and now the other side is 2 cups larger.  Yes, you read that right!  I cannot get a bra that fits - I wear stretchy spandex fitness bras and I always wear a shirt or vest to cover up the discrepancy.  So when I get close to my weight goal, I plan to have the other side reduced.  Maybe then I can wear a "real" bra again!!!

Goals.  Things to strive to attain.  A reason to get up in the morning and get through the day.  Without stuffing my face in sorrow!  I remember mom said to me once, "you always need a goal".  I think I had forgotten that advice.  Or perhaps my goal had simply become to get through a single day living with a diabetic spouse!

8)  I plan to travel more.  I am going to be horse-sitting for a friend of mine the end of this month.  Yes, horse sitting, not house sitting!  LOL!  Then I want to go to Florida to visit some friends of mine.  I'm looking for a cruise that I can take while I'm there.  My class reunion is this summer and it's 1000 miles away.  I want to go back to Israel this fall, maybe for 2 months.

9)  I continue to downsize.  Busy doing a lot of eBay sales.  I have my name on the waiting list for 3 different apartment complexes.  If I don't get something by next month, I will simply put everything in storage as I want to sell the house this spring.  I'm ready to move.  Almost all of my closets and cabinets are emptied and what's left can be packed up in a couple of days.  I will move what I want to keep, then have a final "estate" sale in the house and get rid of what's left.  It feels so good to be cleaning out.

10)  January.  Something happened to me last month and I can't quite put a finger on it.  Is there some measure of time that you need to grieve?  Is 6 months it for me?  Was it that there were so many bookmarks....getting through Christmas, then our anniversary and his birthday.....and now I know I will be ok?  Is it just time as a whole?  I feel a little bit lighter, like a burden of some type has been lifted.  I feel like I will survive and that it's time to get on with life.  I'm a little bit happier.  I think I laugh a little more often.  I don't feel the need to be quite so sad so much of the time.  Maybe the trip to Yuma got me back into socializing a little bit more.  Whatever it is/was, it feels good and I want to keep going forward.

I think these were all very good ah-ha moments for me.  One final thought.  I know that I think about diabetes less and less as time goes forward.  But I was talking with a 77 year old woman yesterday who has diabetes and is severely overweight.  She is having foot troubles.  She is on oxygen and uses a walker.  And I had to tell myself to just keep quiet.  Her diet is none of my business.  I can't "fix" her.  I can't get involved.  But my heart bled just an ounce for her and what she is going through and what she must be putting her family through.  Living with diabetes - does one ever truly get completely away from it?  I doubt it.  But perhaps we can move forward with our own lives knowing what not to do and prevent ourselves from getting the disease.

And now - back to that cup of coffee that's gotten a bit cold!

DW

A question about letting another man into my life.....

I received this comment......
 

When it comes to pass that you start to think about whether or not to let another man into your life, I'd like to know your thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'll never want another person to make me their nursemaid (or a slave to their lifestyle) again. Other times I have hope that it's possible to find happiness in a shared life with someone who takes good care of themselves and so might even help you (me) to also be better and healthier and happier for the relationship. There are many different points of view on this but I'd really like to hear your thoughts as you go. Thanks again for your honesty and forthright-ness. Managing (but barely)

And you know, a month ago I would have screamed "absolutely not!"   But a couple of days after my last post, my youngest sister decided that we should take a last minute getaway trip over the Christmas break.  She wanted a beach.  And nothing outside of this country.  So we found a cheap flight to San Diego, then a beach front hotel and upgraded to a beach front room and wow!  it was exactly what I needed and I didn't even know it!

She has been a widow for 15 years (compared to my 5 months) and is wise beyond her age.  She said that if the right man came along, she would consider letting him into her life.  However, her list of criteria for this perfect specimen is probably unattainable!  LOL!!!  She said that for the first year after her husband passed away, the thought didn't even cross her mind.  Then she attempted to date.  Two different men.  Both were huge failures.  And she was much younger - in her early 50s.  So she quit dating altogether.

However, about 9 months ago she moved into a retirement center and she has been meeting the men there, socializing, getting involved in events and has decided that what she once thought was impossible is now at least a thought.

She also acknowledged that it would not be a thought for me and that is so true!  But she told me to be open about something down the line.

So that's her wise advice.  At the moment, there is just no possible way that I will ever open myself up to any relationship.  As the comment said - to take on the job of caregiver again?  And at my age, that is likely what would happen at some point down the line.

I miss him.  I really do.  I still have weapy days.  I have tear-jerk moments over the silliest things.  I kept a bottle of his cologne because I have to get to where I can smell it without crying.  Stupid and sad.  But it's all part of the journey back to normal.

I still get so pissed off about how much work I did to take care of him.  Yet I would do it again in a heartbeat because I loved him.  I get pissed off when I meet someone who has diabetes and they tell me they don't care - that they are going to eat whatever they want.  I literally have to walk away so that I don't explode!  And I do explode whenever anyone tells me they are pro-marijuana!

So to go through any or all of this again in my lifetime seems utterly ridiculous at this point.  However, love is blind and we all go into a situation with rose colored glasses.  I've learned that if nothing else!!!

Pretty sure my goal right now is to find happiness in my life on my own without anyone else. And I am getting there!  I have an interview with a realtor this afternoon and will line up a few more in the next 2-3 weeks. I'm applying at more apartment complexes to try and find a small apartment that I can move into so I can get my house on the market.  All the while I'm sorting, boxing, packing, making trips to goodwill, listing a few things on ebay.....cleaning out the clutter and downsizing.  This little town will be my home base as 2 sisters live here, but I really want to travel.  Take trips like we just did.  Get away as often as I can.  Find out who I really am - without the burden of caring for another person.

Overall, I'm doing better than I thought I would and that's a huge plus!  Tonight is New Year's Eve and I'd like to wish each of you a very happy New Year.  May 2019 be filled with blessings, joy and good health!

DW

Almost 5 months

I had promised that when he died, I would continue to write.  But I can see why so many don’t.  It is hard to think about diabetes because I truly want to completely forget about it.  I don’t want to remember a single thing about it.

Yet I continue to meet people who ha be it.  My 40 year old son has been diagnosed as pre-diabetic.  Yes, I sort of just want to scream at him!

It is hard not to admonish people when I see their plate fillers with carbs and sugar.  But it is their choice.

It is hard not to give free,unsolicited advice!  But I don’t.  It is their disease, just like it was his.

I think that’s one of the hardest parts of being a diabetic widow.  Yep...new title.  But that’s what I am.  Not just a widow...but a diabetic widow.  Someone who lost their spouse to this needless, senseless disease.  But still...it was his disease, not mine.

I have finally finished all the paperwork, business, and legwork of death.  That is a happy place to be.  It just take so much time.  Bank accounts were the hardest.  T-mobile was by far the easiest!  I’ve started ebay and am taking that ever so slowly.  And I’m still sorting, cleaning, preparing to move.

But the social aspect of living is getting better.  I’ve started taking art classes,  going out to lunch and dinner with friends, have even taken a couple of short trips.  Winter has set in and the yard work is over for now.  I’m back to crafty indoor projects...recovered som office chairs, made some pillows and getting back into the swing of living.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still have my weepy moments.  And my crying moments.  But they are getting fewer and farther between incidences.  I have moments when I miss him so much I can’t breathe.  I have moments when I still get so mad at him I can’t see straight!  I think all of that is just normal grief.  But all of it is evening out, becoming much less of my life and more of my past.  You have to keep moving forward so you don’t fall into a dark hole.

My foot has healed nicely which helps.  I’m hoping to start walking soon and that will help.  Please pray that an apartment opens up so I can get this house on the market.  It would be one less thing for me to worry about!

Bottom line...life is good and I know it will get even better.  Hope you are hanging in there!

DW